Long introduction, don't know where to start (reposted)

[TearzShed]

If reconcilliation is your goal then perfect communication + perfect excecution = desired results. Going forward you must do so understanding that the current marriage is spiritually dead. You must therefore begin at the beginning knowing that the you and your husband are different people by virtue of your infidelities, other experiences, and goals that you've set for your lives as individuals.

 

You must move slowly through the arduous task of learning all about the new person in front of you without albatrossing yourselves with baggage from the past by disclosing everything that you've done and experiences that has shaped your existence to create the people you are now. If you are able to accept one another even knowing each other's deepest darkest secrets then you can take the next step in the evolution of your relationship by reconnecting on a spiritual and emotional level. It is during this courtship phase that you must articulate your needs, wishes, fears, and hopes so that you don't find yourself at odds on issues you'd each normally perceive intrinsically to be unspoken common sense. Save the physical connection until after all of the aforementioned steps have been taken and you've resolved the logistical problems of the physical separation of your living arrangements to mark the moment that both of you are ready to seriously commit to a renewal of your vows to one another.

 

If you shortcut any of the steps stipulated you will only leave the new relationship vulnerable to ghosts of the past breeding resentment, confusion, and angst against the future.

 

Good luck!

 

This makes perfect sense, and is very relieving for me to read. I actually am going to make lists of the "needs, wishes, fears, and hopes" and ask that he does the same. Reading your post reaffirms my thoughts that we had expectations of each other which we mistakenly determined to be common sense.

 

You have been very helpful. Thank you kindly.

[TearzShed]

Hey TS,

 

I went through something similar. I was married and my husband got another woman pregnant. All I could think of was killing them both. I actually threatened him if I ever met her I would beat the crap out of her.

 

Those feelings are a natural reaction to the pain inflicted upon you.

Imagining and actually "doing" are two different things. I think you have probably chosen other outlets to vent your anger (sexual, cigs, etc)... The imagining is NOT something you should feel shame over. You had the self control to remove yourself from a potentially explosive situation. take some credit for that.

 

It's overwhelming for you I am sure. I shed 50 lbs after my divorce and at one point went down to 105 lbs at 5'8". Some of my hair even fell out. I really do understand your physical and emotion response to what has happened to you.

 

You were betrayed, not by just your husband, but by your close friend. Don't be ashamed for having an angry reaction to that!! Embrace the anger because you have a right to it. I'd be more concerned if you didn't have anger over this. The anger is just something you have to continue to work through. There is no point in supressing it- but I think it is great to have some therapy. It truly did help me.

 

I am no longer the same woman I was before the betrayal and my divorce. I left him as soon as I found out and never wanted him back, even though I loved him.

 

Can you ever really see yourself reconciling with what your husband did to you? Could you ever see yourself getting back to a point where you have trust and happiness with him again? After hearing your story, I am not sure it's plausible, but only you can be the judge of that. I also can't help but think he doesn't deserve a second chance.

 

It pisses me off to hear posters being judgemental about you having sex while separated. That's BS. I saw other people while awaiting my divorce, and it was an esteem booster to be desired after suffering such a blow.

 

Can you get out of your dad's place? That arrangement doesn't sound healthy.

 

I feel for you. I have been in a similar situation and it drained my sense of self worth and happiness. I am in a much better place now. You can find your way back as well. It may not be to the place that you were- but that isn't a bad thing.

 

Divorce isn't life ending, at least it doesn't have to be. You can make choices that will lead you to a different life that can and will be more fulfilling than the marriage you are currently estranged from.

 

So you've acted out some sexually and smoked a fair share of cigarettes while downing copious amounts of coffee (all well remaining steadily employed). You certainly could have handled things worse my friend. Allow yourself some crazy time, it's all apart of figuring things out.

 

You're going to be okay, keep telling yourself that. You even have a plan in place- which is yet another step to recovery. I think once you begin to see small amounts of progress you will nix the idea of returning to the man that caused you so much pain and trouble.

 

If nothing else, stop and think about what you have accomplished since leaving your husband and give yourself some credit.

 

Keep talking about it- it really does help. I applaud you for how far you have come. The anger will subside and you will get over it. I am speaking from experience with that forsight.

 

Hugs.

D

 

I have to be up @ 5AM for the new job so I can't answer all your questions right now, but I just wanted to say thanks for the heartfelt reply. I am starting to feel human again! lol...

 

I'll talk with you maybe tomorrow!

[D-Lish]

I'll be around I am sure. Sleep well and be reminded that everything you are feeling is intrinsically human....

[pelicanpreacher]

Edit: See my previous post.

 

"You must move slowly through the arduous task of learning all about the new person in front of you without albatrossing yourselves with your baggage's secrets from the past which requires that the both of you disclose everything you've done and experienced as these things have shaped your existence to create the people you are today."

 

I think I gave you the impression in my last post that you needn't openly discusss the past and that was not my intention.

[Athena]

I think I gave you the impression in my last post that you needn't openly discusss the past and that was not my intention.

 

Yes, I was wondering if that is what you meant originally... for her not to tell him about her sleeping with three men...

 

btw, how do you get to be so insightful of human behavior if you are not a psychologist nor very old to have gained a lot of experience (I think you are around my age, give or take 3 years)

 

Do you read books? Have you had lots of individual counseling? Or does this just come naturally to you?

I ask because your insights always seem to be spot on, and much better than what I could express... I would like to learn, too:)

[pelicanpreacher]

Yes, I was wondering if that is what you meant originally... for her not to tell him about her sleeping with three men...

 

btw, how do you get to be so insightful of human behavior if you are not a psychologist nor very old to have gained a lot of experience (I think you are around my age, give or take 3 years)

 

Do you read books? Have you had lots of individual counseling? Or does this just come naturally to you?

I ask because your insights always seem to be spot on, and much better than what I could express... I would like to learn, too:)

 

Very slippery of you agent Athena ... very slippery indeed, LOL! Let's just say, odds on favorite, that I have substantially more than 3 years on you and though I've had no formal training I've BTDT and know my way around! As far as insights go let's also just say I'd like to believe that I'm a keen observer of human nature from many years of living under my belt!

[Athena]

Very slippery of you agent Athena ... very slippery indeed, LOL! Let's just say, odds on favorite, that I have substantially more than 3 years on you and though I've had no formal training I've BTDT and know my way around! As far as insights go let's also just say I'd like to believe that I'm a keen observer of human nature from many years of living under my belt!

 

LOL! Nah... you said in one of your posts that your parents have been married for "40 plus years" so you cannot be older than that!!

 

Oh -- and what is BTDT?

[pelicanpreacher]

LOL! Nah... you said in one of your posts that your parents have been married for "40 plus years" so you cannot be older than that!!

 

Oh -- and what is BTDT?

 

LOL! I think we're entering the realm of threadjacking here! BTDT is Been There Done That! You can PM me if you like!

[marazul]

I felt your pain but I coulnd't read everything. so maybe you answered already.

 

Does the husband from that woman who had the A with your H know that they had an A? If not, then you should see how it relieves you when you tell him.

 

Something got me. You said you wanted to beat the S**** out of her and you told your H. What exactly he didn't like? that you wanted to beat her? that you were so hurt? that you wanted to beat her because he still had concerns for her? if it's this last one, he has a damn big problem, low intelligence! If that was over and he cared about you the last thing he should care about is the OW. He should show you how repentant he is.

 

Sorry that you smoke, go for a walk with the babies, get out of your father's house. You should go see whomever you want, be assertive with him, if there are big arguments about those things try to find another place. Don't hang around with smokers.

 

H needs to show you that he loves you and cares about you. Explain him well what you're going through because of him.

[TearzShed]

Edit: See my previous post.

 

"You must move slowly through the arduous task of learning all about the new person in front of you without albatrossing yourselves with your baggage's secrets from the past which requires that the both of you disclose everything you've done and experienced as these things have shaped your existence to create the people you are today."

 

I think I gave you the impression in my last post that you needn't openly discusss the past and that was not my intention.

 

I didn't get that impression from you. I think you are right about revealing everything, though I have cold feet about it. One of the issues I have addressed in therapy is how to express anger without taking it out on myself, which is what I was doing. One of my first reactions I had to D-Day was butchering my hair, which was sooooo beautiful post-pregnancy. It's grown back now, but I'd chopped it up so bad. It was ridiculous. I had to go to work like this. Everyone was giving me that raised eyebrow look. LOL

[TearzShed]

oh and everyone, thread-jackage is okay, especially since pelicanpreacher seems so doggone sincere.

[TearzShed]

I felt your pain but I coulnd't read everything. so maybe you answered already.

 

Does the husband from that woman who had the A with your H know that they had an A? If not, then you should see how it relieves you when you tell him.

 

Something got me. You said you wanted to beat the S**** out of her and you told your H. What exactly he didn't like? that you wanted to beat her? that you were so hurt? that you wanted to beat her because he still had concerns for her? if it's this last one, he has a damn big problem, low intelligence! If that was over and he cared about you the last thing he should care about is the OW. He should show you how repentant he is.

 

Sorry that you smoke, go for a walk with the babies, get out of your father's house. You should go see whomever you want, be assertive with him, if there are big arguments about those things try to find another place. Don't hang around with smokers.

 

H needs to show you that he loves you and cares about you. Explain him well what you're going through because of him.

 

 

The husband knew of the OW and my H. However, just months prior while he was on deployment, he had himself a happy ending in Thailand. He'd done his business months after she'd done hers. We were all messed up. Which is why I had to get away from there....the whole scene was just to Jerry Springer-ish for me. I felt like I was around a bunch of people who were pretending to love me, and that hurt so much.

 

H didn't like that I left because of the entire situation. He told me I run from problems. But I tried to stay. In fact, I stayed 6 months but I was steadily going downhill. Studying, working swings, the babies, and not having enough time to get my mind together was just taking its toll on me.

 

Thanks for the advice. I have been leaving out when I need to, announcing it as I'm going out the door. No time to argue if I'm already leaving. I'm gonna quit smoking again. Since I've started working, I don't touch them at all during the work day. It's when I start thinking about this situation (like right now) is when I want to light up. In fact, my heart is hurting a bit right now. Every day it gets easier, but there are still times like these....

[pelicanpreacher]

I have to disagree with your reconcilliation until your husband is made to fully understand what he's lost...

 

Tell your husband that you left because the "problem" foisted upon you was infidelity by the very man who professed his undying love for you. If betrayal and infidelity is the best that he can offer then who needs more of his "problems" or him for that sake? You've successfully gained employment, are going back for your masters, and are looking after your children so whatever other "problems" he has in mind for you are best stuffed in a pipe and smoked because you don't need them either! Finally, let him know that you're rebuilding your life with the premise that the children will have to do without a father for, since you've bore two children already, you're not up to taking care of a man acting like a child while masquerading as a man and that you look to upgrade him asap!

[hopefulInFuture]

You know what, when feelings and children are involved, it sucks. I know that when we are rational and we're not attached, we all know what we need to do. The problem is that life is too full of emotions, feelings and intricacies that don't allow us to always act on our rationale. I feel for you and I am so sad that you're going through this. All I can tell you is that I think you should take as much time for yourself as you need until you can use your judglement clearly. Do yourself a favor and start thinking about YOURSELF. Only once you're strong and can see clearly and can take control of your life, you should decide whether you really want to be with this loser. I've had my share of issues with some men. But I know that there are some really great guys out there and life does not end here.

[TearzShed]

I have to disagree with your reconcilliation until your husband is made to fully understand what he's lost...

 

Tell your husband that you left because the "problem" foisted upon you was infidelity by the very man who professed his undying love for you. If betrayal and infidelity is the best that he can offer then who needs more of his "problems" or him for that sake? You've successfully gained employment, are going back for your masters, and are looking after your children so whatever other "problems" he has in mind for you are best stuffed in a pipe and smoked because you don't need them either! Finally, let him know that you're rebuilding your life with the premise that the children will have to do without a father for, since you've bore two children already, you're not up to taking care of a man acting like a child while masquerading as a man and that you look to upgrade him asap!

 

I'm going to do this tonight. I'm very annoyed with him right now because he is acting as if everything is just fine, when indeed it is not. I told him we need to talk when he is not working or being a busybody, because he has to hear everything that I am telling him.

 

It appears he is mistaking my civility for absence of anger.

 

ANother issue I have been having is knowing where to draw the line on how much responsibility I bear in this. I can't help but think that I played into this entire situation. It bothers me that I don't know exactly what I did, that I feel at fault somehow but I don't know why.