End of a 3 year relationship yesterday

[FeedingOnFever]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm sure the title sums it up. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday after 3 years. We were the happiest people either of us knew for so long. I kid you not, we were head over heels. We loved being together, just sitting and saying nothing, having water fights in the yard, watching "Scrubs" over and over again from Season 1 to Season 6. We had been living together for over a year.

 

I'll mention that I'm 20 and he's 19. It's probably very relevant, but I'll also vouch that I'm mature for my age, and he was surprisingly well-adjusted for a crazy young man. When we had issues with each other, we'd talk and compromise. It was the one thing we promised each other: to communicate.

 

Three weeks ago we got into an argument. We'd had a few before, but never like this. I was upset that he was sending overly cutesy and lovey-dovey messages to an ex, and he was upset that I didn't trust him. It escalated horribly (it was an awful time with a lot of external stress for both of us) and he suddenly started packing.

 

I asked him what he was doing and he said he couldn't be here anymore. Stunned, I tried to talk to him about this, but he wouldn't hear it. I removed myself from the room and tried to calm down. Understand, he and I were "most likely to be married and live happily ever after" by everyone we knew. I was practically his mother's daughter, and he was as much a son to my mom as anyone could have been. We had our own secret language and frequently made silly home movies together. Our friends got along, and we had no problems at all talking about being together a very, very long time down the line. He'd refer to his potential offspring as "our future kids".

 

And he was ready to leave. This made me realize that he had broken the promise: he had obviously not been communicating with me after a certain point, because that was one hell of a buildup of resentment. I talked to him about waiting to see how he felt in the morning, especially since he goes to school ten minutes away from where we lived, but if he'd moved back with his folks it would be a 2 hour commute (with a car, and he hadn't finished saving up for one, so it would be 3 hours by the bus.) It took a while, but he finally was convinced to wait and we went on break.

 

The next few days were awful. We no longer slept in the same bed and managed to not see each other too often even though we were in the same house. (It's a big house, so we managed that somehow.) After a few days he was able to sit with me and watch movies. It was awkward and all, but we were comfortable-ish with our old routine.

 

Finally he looked at me and smiled shyly, saying that he likes the path that our relationship is on and will keep trying if I keep trying, and will stay by my side. I was shaken up, of course, but relieved that he said he would try. All I'd want from him was his sincere effort, really.

 

So we were okay. Honestly, he jumped right back into our relationship, and all of the great things we used to do, like nothing happened. It was... eerie? I don't know, but that weirded me out. I tried to continue giving him some space, worried that he was diving too fast, too far, but he kept on coming. Eventually I let my guard down and figured he must really be ready to just go on.

 

Three days ago he began to act weird. He was distant and unresponsive, entirely. From the guy who used to tackle me onto the bed and tickle me at every opportunity, this was bizarre. I asked him occasionally if anything was the matter, but he'd just smile sadly and say no. Of course I knew that was a lie, but there was nothing else I could do to force him to talk to me.

 

Yesterday he did it. He sat me down after typing for an hour, and read off his computer screen a speech he'd been working furiously on. He said "it's not your fault, it's me" and "I never wanted to hurt you" and that he found that the romance was gone and he just saw me as a really great friend. He said the hardest part about doing this was that he was so scared he would lose me as a friend.

 

I sat there in stunned silence for a few seconds. I had been worried he was going to break up with me, but I thought it would have been about our jealousy/trust issue, not this. From the guy who had lovingly held my hand and kissed my hair all throughout "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" just that past weekend, this was a shock of unbelievable proportions.

 

If he'd said we had issues he couldn't handle, I would have understood, given him space, and asked if there was any chance of us getting back together after time. But to hear that he had just suddenly fallen out of love with me was not something I knew how to respond to. All I could say was, "okay. I'm sorry you feel that way."

 

I kid you not: in half an hour he was gone. With a never-ending stream of tears pouring down his cheeks he packed up some clothes, his school work, and went to his folk's place in Ewa. I got to say maybe three sentences to him, but they were good ones: "I have to say I'm hurt that you didn't talk to me about this sooner. I really thought we were doing great again, but I can see that that was not the case. I hope you understand if I need a lot of time to think about whether or not we can stay friends."

 

He understood, and, with his eyes still tearing up, left.

 

An hour ago I had a boyfriend. Now he was gone.

 

I've been through every emotion on the spectrum, though it may not appear in my words here. I'm in my numb/shocked phase right now, which is the only reason I am able to write anything at all. I want him back, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm realizing one-after-another all of the things I have lost: his family, the comfortable way we could hang out with our friends, our plans for future trips, the guinea pig we were going to buy together, any future kids. I'm an insomniac, I have fluctuating appetites (right now I can't eat a thing) and I just don't know what to do.

 

Earlier, I didn't know what I wanted, and desperately wanted to find it out. Now I know, and I'm not sure I really wanted to know after all: I want him back. I really, really do. He was the first person I ever felt this close to, who ever knew me inside and out. I loved him a lot, as young as we are. And I know he loved me too, so much. I just can't comprehend how fast that feeling fled. I in fact think it was leaking out bit by bit for a long time. Which leads back to anger: how could he lead me on like that?

 

And yet I can understand. He wanted to end it now, rather than any later. He could have taken the easy way out, and stayed in a convient home with a great friend. A small price to pay with the prospect of a 3 hour commute and moving back with a dysfunctional family. Yet he decided to finally come clean with me (at least, I think he did.) And I respect him for that, bizarrely. If he'd waited more, we would probably have had 0 chance of ever having a friendship of any kind.

 

You know, I think this is the world's longest post. I don't blame anyone who tapers off halfway through. I just needed to share all of it, because this situation has so many important details. I'm hurting really bad right now. In fact, my shock/numb stage is gone. Damned shame, I was enjoying escaping from these feelings for a while.

[alwayssme]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I went through a very similar situation. There is nothing more painful then to hear "its not you its me. I fell out of love with you but I love you. Im sorry for hurting you. You're so beautiful and Im very attracted to you, i see u as a great friend but I dont want to be with you anymore." Its horrible!!!! I really dont get it and get mad at it because up untill a couple of days ago he was telling he loved me (WAT THE HELL??) I think that once u get to a very comfortable place in your relationship, the "spark" looks like it has faded, and they want something new, they want excitement...I think love grows after awhile and thats when TRUE LOVE settles..i admit that i didnt always feel "butterflies" for my ex because i just got so comfortable with him...and although the spark wasnt always there, i knew i loved him and im mature enough to understand that love is not fireworks 24/7..but unfortunataly our ex'es dont see it like that...it hurt my pride alot cuz it was such a blow and it felt like such a rejection....i couldnt believe i was hearing those words from him.....i think this is seriously the worst feeling ever because its such a hopeless situation.....i never been on the other side so i have no idea how it feels to "fall out of love" but i think they just want "excitement" or that rush of a first date again.... or maybe people really do fall out of love??

[alone_confused]

sorry for how you are feeling, but i agree with alwayssme, My BF of 3 and half years left me 2 weeks ago for the same reason, I love you with all my heart, but I'm not in love with you, for god sake, what does that even mean...:(

 

But i agree there are some people out there that are addicted to that buzz you get when you first start seeing someone and you cant get enough of them, obviously that starts to fade as time goes on and your love deepens to a different level, at that point they pack up their bags and leave us waiting in the wind;

 

At some stage they move on and find another lover and get all those feelings again and think, i knew i was right, this is what love feels like, only yo find that again in a few years they feel the same way again, I don't think they even know what love is, maybe I'm bitter, okay i am , its just you get to that point and wonder what was it all for..

 

 

again sorry for your loss, and we feel your pain too.

hugs

[iwanttolive]

Alwayssme, when I read Pyro's story, I remember yours and somehow I had a feeling you would reply her thread.

 

My ex too, told me his feelings for me have changed. There was absolutely no sign. He dropped the bomb and i felt like i died an unnatural death n i can't RIP.

 

Pyro, alwayssme n alone, can we go thru this together? I hope we come out of this together.. Please let me know how u guys are progressing!

[FeedingOnFever]

Wow. I've always heard that people go through this kind of thing, and hear this sort of proclamation that seems to come out of the blue, but I can't express in words how touched I am that you all have shared your experiences with me. There's something scary that gets taken out of this situation when you know you're not the only one.

 

I know I was not the perfect girlfriend, but dammit, I was a pretty great one. I made mistakes, but so did he. The difference was that I was willing to work to fix our relationship, and I guess he wasn't interested in that. It makes sense, but it doesn't make it that much easier.

 

iwanttolive, I'd love to continue keeping up with you, and the others too, if they are up for it. Camaraderie is what we need right now, I think.

[alwayssme]

Alwayssme, when I read Pyro's story, I remember yours and somehow I had a feeling you would reply her thread.

 

My ex too, told me his feelings for me have changed. There was absolutely no sign. He dropped the bomb and i felt like i died an unnatural death n i can't RIP.

 

Pyro, alwayssme n alone, can we go thru this together? I hope we come out of this together.. Please let me know how u guys are progressing!

 

 

Of course we can, that's why we're here for to help each other get through this Ya all can private message me if you like or if u need someone to talk to We're strong, I'm sure we'll make it through this and we'll become stronger people because of it

[iwanttolive]

Yes, we're strong people. We will come out of this and lead a fabulous life! Let's stay in-touch when that happens n we will be happy together!

 

To keep you posted, i'm still feeling horrible right now. I was snuggling on my bed, with two huge fluffy pillows and two quilts and i still felt cold. No winter over my side... I'm gonna hang n chill with my galfrens later. I may not feel better, but i'm gonna drag my feet out although i will be just going thru the motion.

 

Keep me posted. Will pm you guys too

[iwanttolive]

But i agree there are some people out there that are addicted to that buzz you get when you first start seeing someone and you cant get enough of them, obviously that starts to fade as time goes on and your love deepens to a different level, at that point they pack up their bags and leave us waiting in the wind;

 

At some stage they move on and find another lover and get all those feelings again and think, i knew i was right, this is what love feels like, only yo find that again in a few years they feel the same way again, I don't think they even know what love is, maybe I'm bitter, okay i am , its just you get to that point and wonder what was it all for..

 

I think thats what my ex experienced. I was his first gf. I think he was totally clueless of what love n relationship is all about. That was why he did not feel right. Sadly.

[alwayssme]

me and my ex were each others first everything....

[iwanttolive]

Hugs, alwayss. You have us with u!

[FeedingOnFever]

So, yesterday I went on a brain-explosion writing spree, and I came up with this. You all probably know by now how much I write, so feel free to let your eyes glaze over this... it's really, really long, but I feel empowered putting it out here for the world to see.

 

 

 

I'm a bit bitter tonight

 

I held his hair away from his face and wiped puke off him while he was cramming for his math final in high school

 

I wasn't the slightest bit grossed out

 

I was there, every step of the way, through all of that mad-dash of cramming, make-up work and madness to meet the graduation deadline

 

I never faltered at all, picked him up when he was ready to give up every time

 

Whenever he'd mess up (and he'd apologize for it each time) I forgave him. How could I not when I at least knew he was still trying?

 

I only ever wanted to see him put effort into things. If I saw that, I was happy.

 

I have been through some crappy things that his family did to me, but I learned to love them anyway.

 

Not an easy thing after some of that stuff.

 

He told me he loved me so early

 

I was so scared of falling too fast. He was my first everything, and I mean my first EVERYthing.

 

My first kiss, my first dance, my first date, the first guy who held my hand, the first person who told me I was beautiful. We lost our virginities to each other.

 

I wanted to make it work, always. I only felt like leaving once, and I instead chose to talk to him honestly about how he had hurt me.

 

He wouldn't talk to me.

 

In the end, I can't change that.

 

He would not tell me the truth about how he felt until it was way, way too late.

 

That was our promise: be honest, and talk about things that made us mad or uncomfortable. He broke that promise, and that, among other things that could have been fixed, broke our relationship

 

Once, in a movie, someone said "screw our relationship; I love YOU."

 

I feel that way. If I look at it as a relationship, it's messed up and damaged horribly.

 

If I look at he and I as people, I freaking adore him.

 

And I don't know. I think I have to go cold turkey no contact.

 

Because I don't think I'm ready to give him the best of all worlds right now... freedom from being with me but every single other benefit of my friendship.

 

Not yet. Not for a long while.

 

What sucks is that he knew me so well. Better than anyone ever really knew me.

 

If I could, I'd talk to him about what I'm feeling right now, and he'd know what to say. He knows my habits and my flaws, my strengths and the way my brain works.

 

That will be so very hard to find again.

 

Verbal onslaught.

 

I held him in my arms as he cried at the funeral of his grandmother in Canada. I scraped together money for a plane ticket so fast so I could be there with him during that time. He was so happy I could come.

 

When he got kicked out, I didn't ask any questions. I brought him into my home, into my life as easily and naturally as I could. I know I could only do so much, but I tried really hard to make sure he didn't feel imposing, like he was a sudden burden on us.

 

I loved having him here.

 

I think he still felt awful... helpless, trapped in debt to me and my mom.

 

He tried to hard to keep everything clean and organized, to cook for us and do things around the house.

 

Talked about reorganizing and redecorating, to make it seem more like it was his house, too.

 

I tried really hard to make him feel unconditionally welcome, but I'm sure he still felt awkward as hell for a long time. It was a bad situation.

 

I tried too hard, really.

 

Made everything I could happen for him whenever he wanted it. Bought him hella expensive things. Did way, way too much for him. Demasculanized him, even though all I wanted to do was show him how much I loved him.

 

I don't even know if he realizes this was happening.

 

I fell fast.

 

6 weeks in and there it was: "Love you," on myspace

 

I deliberately didn't read into it. I didn't say it back just yet.

 

But they kept coming. "Love you babe."

 

I became hopelessly, completely devoted. And now I'm struggling to find the person who exists, somewhere, below this loss and love. Pouring so much into someone leaves you with hardly anything in your bank account for others, I know. I have to find ways to fill that thing back up.

 

I want to dance with a stranger, for one. Have some random guy in a random place tell me I look great tonight. I want to be held by someone, anyone. Probably not random guy I meet in random place. He'd think it was leading to something, and that's not nice for me to do right now.

 

I want to travel. I want a change of scenery and cold, crisp air. I want to go somewhere with cobblestone streets and snow. Buy apples from cart vendors and take a horse-drawn carriage ride through a park. I want to climb a mountain, every day, just to feel that sense of accomplishment.

 

I have to find a mountain he and I haven't climbed together, of course. A new mountain.

 

I want to exercise, feel my endorphins flooding. I want to tone my body and my mind, learn a ton, do well at school and excel a life so when people look at me those sad, sympathetic looks will fade away into proud ones. I want to make myself and everyone around me proud.

 

It's hard, and it won't happen like that, all at once, in a movie-montage. Man, what I wouldn't give for a 2-minute movie montage right now. Some inspirational song playing while I pick myself up and "suit up" for my new life. This will be slow, of course. I just have to focus micro-level. One slow-as-hell day at a time, for now.

 

I miss him. Maybe I always will. But someday (and I don't know when that will be) it won't be this raw anymore.

[Tarantula]

I have tears in eyes reading your post ...

but tears cant help you in this case .

 

All you have to do is just to communicate with him in some time later and to find out whether he is about coming back .

 

There are crises sometimes which tend to happen even in the most established relationships,

but if you love each other you will be back together .

 

The only thing that makes me confused is that I Do Not see the reason why he left actually ... how is it possible to leave without a reason?without a cause? Person leaves and breaks up such a wonderful relationship only in the matter of being Hugely Hurt ,

but so .. without a reason ...how???

 

 

 

God bless!

[Eyeofthoth]

This is the oldest story in the book and it just kills me. I am a middle aged woman and my perfect boyfriend left me after 20 months with the same **** speech -- to go back to his ex who he had said many times he was totally over because she was nuts and there had been way too much drama in that relationship!

 

This was a man over 50 years old and up until that moment he had been the best boyfriend I ever had!!!!

 

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I was his BEST FRIEND, he pursued me into the romantic relationship, and then when his first most powerful feelings of infatuation with me had calmed down, this ex, who is a person from hell as far as I am concerned, pulled him back to her with memories of the DRAMA, which he got all confused in his head about and thought maybe he was not in love with me anymore because he was feeling "in love" with her again.

 

I have news for these people. Feelings of being "in love" like that only last when there is drama and adversity and constant problems. Some people stir that up on purpose to keep things lively.

 

The other thing, the thing my boyfriend and yours said to us: You are my best friend and I am really attracted to you . . .

 

That is love. That is what matters.

 

A 19 or 20-something year old kid has an excuse.

 

But do they ever grow up??????????????????????????????????

[Eyeofthoth]

The reason he left is because he is too young and inexperienced in love to know the thing I just posted about drama and adversity, etc.

 

He may well come to his senses and be back.

[Tarantula]

Yes,I guess same.he is just too young and inexperienced.

I would also add up he is too immature to break up such a relationship and to cause the woman that loved him from the bottom of her heart to shed tears .

 

 

The only reason ,the only damn cause ,the only heartbreaking thing because of which the relationship can have a crise like this is a BETRAYAL on this or that level ,human or sex ,white or black,Betrayal is always hurting like hell .

 

 

If there is NO such a reason as a breaking faith then all breakups are just a clear indicator of being actually immature to step into any relationship,

not only romantic.

 

 

 

 

 

God bless!

[FeedingOnFever]

Thank you again for all of the responses, everyone. I feel surreal, but calmer today. How is everyone else doing?

 

Today I dropped off more of his things to him at work, which is 2 mins away from where I live. He was sitting in the back room of the shop seemingly staring off into space. No one else was there and he wasn't working on anything. I put the things down, told him what was inside a box I brought. He said, "Oh... thanks a lot, Alex." And I went straight out the door after that.

 

I was tempted to stay and talk, but I think it was better to make that interaction as short as humanly possible for now. NC is freaking hard.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Honestly I don't know why people follow the path of psychology. There are just no answers in life sometimes, and we tend to try to tell ourselves otherwise. There is no real help we can offer eachother in these specific circumstances, like the one you are facing. Who knows why he did what he did.

 

I think it's easier to write him off as a psycho. Yeah. that works.

[FeedingOnFever]

I know what you mean, Tom. Cass wasn't a complete *******, but some of the things that were mentioned above could be true. Of course I'll never know if they really are true, since he never opened up to me when I'm dating and therefore will open up even less now. I may never get my answers, and sometimes speculation helps me think, "maybe that could be it... who knows?" It gives some pseudo-closure to try to step in his shoes a little. I knew him so well that I can make a pretty educated guess at times.

 

Still though, the one thing I am grateful for from my friends from school, etc, is that so far they are all commiserating and being supportive, but I haven't heard a single "BASTARD! Let's egg his house!!!" from anyone. This is good, because that would honestly just make me feel that I was stupid for ever loving him. He's not an absolute bastard, but he did hurt me very deeply, and people saying things like, "he shouldn't have left you so suddenly like that, I can't believe that," makes me feel way better. So far so good.

[EmperorR]

pyro I know how you feel I did everything for my ex, helped her improved her english, get into university, helped her with her essays, traveled 2 hours and 2 hours back 3-4 times a week to see her. Even sometimes I would arrive after 2 hours and 5 minutes later she was tired and wanted to go home and I never said nothing, was always there for her in every situation, and she cheated dumped me and tossed me to the side like i was a used coffee cup, after 3 years. The day befoere she left on her trip she was crying her eyes out how she was going to miss me so much and not to talk to girls and please don't cheat on her and call her every day and email, then poof went on a trip and screwed some guy she just met 3 times, still emailed me and called me like everything was ok then hopping back in the sack with this herb, at least you got the I fell out of love with you, all i got was I cheated on you, I don't love you anymore, forget about us you mean nothnig to me anymore.

 

NC is hard but it helps you heal trust me, i've been there couldn't eat /sleep folr weeks, she was always in my mind haunting me it seems, I was wishing she would come back, went through denial, anger, i have like 60 draft emails every day i'd just curse her say vile things but never sent them and now i accept it and im moving on, time heals.

[iwanttolive]

Pyro.. I felt better yesterday after hanging out wif my galfrens. But I dreamt sweet dreams of him and it killed me. Im gonna learn cycling later (yeah, i'm 27 and i do not know how to cycle ) an i'm going for a bbq after that.

 

Pyro and emperor, I was also there for him all the time. He liked a gal for 2 years and she treated him badly. I gave him love he never known before. He was so happy and he kept thanking me. I gave him laughter and happiness. N he told me he was not sure of his feelings for me and that he still thinks of the gal he liked for 2 years. Ripped my heart to pieces...

[TeaAbraham]

In my experience with stuff like this with both myself and my friends, the guy who does what your man did to you realizes he made a terrible mistake. Sometimes it's a few months sometimes its a few years. But they realize they made a big mistake. That's just what I've seen though.

 

I am amazed that you took everything and only said a few words to him. That is astounding. You are very strong. It's too bad that communication shut down at some point. You guys were so smart to realize at such a young age how important that communication is. Guys are stupid. They really are. I don't know why we are, but we are.

[FeedingOnFever]

iwanttolive: Good for you. I'm glad that you're taking up cycling. I'm also sorry to hear about your dreams. I know I've dreamt of mine every night for the past three nights. I expect I might dream of him for a long, long time yet. (I've always been a vivid dreamer and I usually always remember my dreams too.)

 

emperor: man... there seem to be a ton of stories where people have really pulled out all the stops for their exes. You'd think we'd be treated better, huh?

 

TeaAbraham: Thank you for the support. For the record, you don't seem like a "stupid guy."

 

One day with my NC firmly intact. Yesterday he contacted me about a project I'd promised to do for a friend, so I had him give me the friends #, but no contact other than that. Maybe I'm making excuses, but to me that was sort of necessary contact, since I had no other way to get in touch with the friend.

 

Odd, though. I would think that he would have just given my # directly to the friend, rather than be the middle-man. I was a little pissed that he did that. If he's going to contact me, it better be for something like talking about closure, not as a messenger for a task I have to do!!! Ugh.

[Sari]

Hey all, your stories sound quite similar to mine (please see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1941505#post1941505 for a longer explanation), it's been 10 days now and still hurting so much I can barely function. He was seriously everything to me, and I don't understand how his feelings could change so quickly, he says he's been feeling bad about us for 1.5 years but I refuse to believe that, why would he ask me to move in with him etc, talk about marriage, kids, the works? I think 1.5 years in to it he started to feel 'the spark' go (well big freakin surprise! When see someone every couple of days and all weekend for 18 months the spark does tend to fade, also we had a personal crisis around then). Now he has decided in his stupid immature head that this means he has been feeling bad for ages, when really it cannot have been more than a month or so.

 

He also says that now he has said all these things he cannot go back or get them out of his head. What an idiot. That's like saying if you say "I wanna kill myself" you have to go through with it because you said it. Such a crock.

 

I have cried til there are no more tears. If I'm not crying I start panicking that I'm about to. Vicious circle. I've contacted my work about counselling sessions to help me as I'm not dealing with this as I'd like to, just getting more and more despondant.

 

Pyropathos, sounds like your ex really wanted to contact you. This does not mean he wants to get back together with you, but sounds like he's missing you. Remember NC!!! Do not stoop to taking his crumbs. NC may make him realise what he is missing, and even if it doesn't you will heal quicker than if you speak to him. I must remember this myself though, as I have been this close to calling him and blubbing down the phone!

[Sari]

iwanttolive, I have booked my first driving lesson today! Scared but going for it anyway. If I want my ex to see what an independent, strong woman I can be without him then I actually need to become that woman! Good luck with the cycling, I am crap at cycling as have barely been on a bike for about 12 years!

[ConfusedAtHome]

Pyro, you story sounds all too familiar. It is the reason I joined LS because I was so taken aback that my partner would throw away 3 years of our life and the future we were building for.

 

But, she has her reasons and I hope she can find what she's looking for, however it seems she doesn't know quite what that is at this time.

 

Good luck with your healing process and we are all here for you!