Messed up my second chance :(

Hello, this is my first post and thank you in advance for reading.

My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. During this time I suffered with depression and anxiety problems, with which my bf coped marvellously and was a great support to me, even when I was telling him that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore and was having panic attacks and feeling trapped etc. Unfortunately during this time I fell pregnant, and decided not to keep it, against my bf's wishes. I just didn't feel emotionally or financially equipped to deal with a baby, and my bf and I weren't even living together at this point. My bf had a hard time forgiving me, but we forged ahead and stayed strong.

Despite my mad ways we stuck together and moved in to a flat a year ago.

I thought things were fine, despite having ups and downs, I had a big depressive/anxiety spell when we first moved in together, and my sex drive really suffered but I thought things were generally ok. My bf and I had so much love for each other and were absolute best friends, every day was good despite small problems, just being together made everything seem ok. Friends would comment on how much he seemed to adore me and he did nothing to dispell that, constantly telling me he loved me. We would frequently talk about marriage and kids, not "if" but "when".

So I went on holiday for a few days with my friend in September and upon my return my bf seemed fine, he was a bit ill and had been sitting round the house all week with a cold but was affectionate and receptive and seemed fine. Then the next day he went to the football, and we planned to meet each other later to go to a party. I rang and rang him but got no reply, then got a fairly terse text message at midnight saying he was at his mum's house and not feeling up to the party, and would see me in the morning. The next morning he marched in, turned off the tv and told me that for a while he had been feeling "different" about us, and that we had become more companions than lovers. He said that if we were older with kids our relationship would be perfect but we were too young (26 and 31 respectively) for that kind of comfortable relationship, and he wasn't sure if he found me attractive anymore, and had been feeling like this for 1.5 years!! Unsurprisingly, coinciding with the abortion. He said he needed to take a break, packed a bag and left. I was a complete mess of course. I called him that evening for a chat and to let him know I was ok, he was quite awkward but I told him not to be silly and we just chatted about normal stuff. At the end he said he felt better about stuff and just needed some space, but we should get together the next week for dinner. He told me he loved me and still wanted me, under no duress as I was calm and rational.

The date went well and he moved back in a week later, saying he felt he'd made too much of a big deal about everything and wanted to come home. I made him ask properly so wasn't a pathetic needy weirdo, and he moved back in. We had a great time, went on some dates again and had good sex (sorry for too much info!), which he said he enjoyed and "was brilliant" under no pressure from me again (ie I didn't ask him, he just said it). It was great for about six weeks. I was a bit jittery and needed some reassurance sometimes but he was always happy to give it to me and swore he was here to stay and that he loved me, and was very affectionate.

Then a couple of weeks ago he went out, left his phone at home (a common occurance) and got really drunk, stumbling in around 2am. As the first time he left he just didn't come home I was frantic with worry, and gave him a massive b*llocking. He said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. He then did it a further 3 times over the course of a couple of weeks, with me becoming more needy and paranoid every time, and him reassuring me and apologising. Although this sounds bad it didn't impinge on our happiness in general and we were still very tactile and loving in words and deeds, discussing future holiday plans and things. I even said I might stay at my sister's for a bit to sort my head out and he said "don't go I'll miss you". This was on the day before 'the horror'. He did say that sometimes he still felt bad about us though, even though he thought things were getting slowly better, and didn't want to break up.

The last time he did the drunk no phonecall thing however was on Thursday just gone, and on Friday morning I was crying and shouting at him, calling him cruel and a stranger. He was very hungover and miserable but said he was very sorry and promised to get a new phone as he had lost his. I asked him if we were finished and he said no and said he'd come straight home that evening after work, I said "what, to break up with me?" and he again said no. He had so many opportunities to leave and swore he didn't want to.

That day was torment and when I got home that evening I'd decided I'd had enough and packed a bag. I was about to leave him a note as I thought this would give him a bit of a kick up the ass if nothing else and also I didn't want to see him as I knew I would change my mind and get upset. He came in just as I was about to leave, and said "what's wrong?", and I said (in a dream-like state!) "I'm going, I've packed a bag and am going to my sister's for a bit". Then the horror, he said "I think that's a good idea to be honest". I wanted to die but remained calm and he started crying and said "I'm so sorry for how I've been treating you", and I said "that's ok" quite calmly. He then offered to leave and I said no, I should go. then I said "As long as that's what we both want" and he said "well it's what I want" and I said "well it's what I want to then because the last couple of weeks have been horrific". Then he asked what we should do about everything (rent, bills, belongings) and I said I'd contact him. Then I left and he watched me walk away

This was 3 days ago and I feel like I want to die. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't function etc. I know the drill so was not expecting to be jumping for joy but f****** hell this hurts so much. What I don't understand is, why did he keep saying all those nice things? Why did he say he loved me and would never leave again? Why did he have sex with me and say it was great? Why was he still so affectionate with me, pet names, cuddles in the night, phonecalls at work? I am so confused and absolutely distraught. I have not contacted him since I left and will not do so until absolutely necessary to sort out living arrangements. I am so scared though that this is truly the end, as he is (as he will freely admit) very susceptible to suggestion and if people tell him (as they did last time) that if the spark has gone the relationship is dead then he will believe them. But when I told him that we were perfect for each other and had so much love and we could work on things he believed that and was happy and relieved to be back with me. He has big money worries and other issues too at the moment which I think are making him feel blue about everything, and therefore clouding his judgement. I also know that he is not being truthful about feeling bad for 1.5 years, our sex life and whole relationship was brilliant for much longer after that and he asked me to move in with him and seemed so happy.

Please could someone help shed some light on why he is blowing so hot and cold? I know he loves me, he even went to a counselling session last month to help him understand his feelings, but he said he didn't want to waste money talking to some guy who didn't even know us, as our relationship was too "special" for that and he knew he loved me so screw therapy! And then a few weeks later, bam, we're over!

Personally I think I went too crazy at him for going out and he felt that all this hassle and drama meant that our relationship was doomed. It was because I was insecure though, in my defence, and he knew that. I know that he was getting so drunk the last couple of times because he was unhappy, but if I'd been a bit less mental the first couple of times I think it would have blown over. As I said he's very fickle and contrary and if things are bad in the short term he will just run away rather than looking at the bigger picture.

This is the longest thing in the world ever, I'm sorry and thank you if you made it to the bottom! Any advice on what to do next would be gratefully received, and please don't be too cruel and tell me to get over it as we were about a hair's breadth from getting engaged and stuff not long ago and I am in a very fragile state.

Thank you.

Sari, you've had 52 views to your post, and this is the first reply.

Possibly because to be honest, you've done the right thing and there's little anyonbe can add to offer anything further.

To be frank with you, I think 2 things:

One you're being overly harsh with yourself by referring to yourself as needy and paranoid.... I think his behaviour left much to be desired....

Secondly - I think, much as it hurts, you are well out of it.

This seems to be the best time for you to take stock of your life, and evaluate your own happiness, with you at the centre.

Painful as departures are, I believe you made a sound decision, and you now need to put yourself first, and be well in your own world.

Sari=

I don't think you messed up your second chance. Honestly you ARE being too hard on yourself.

His behavior was NOT acceptable.. no matter what. As a man in a committed relationship he should have known what his going out and carrying on all hours of the night would do to you.

Just a thought.. perhaps when you broke up the first time.. it is what he wanted.. you guys didn't go no contact.. so then he didn't heal.. he, of course, still thought about u and eventually gave in.

At this point.. I think you are right to just let yourself heal.. focus on you.. you deserve someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.

AND.. PS- if the abortion thing was a makeit or breakit deal with him, then he should have told you that before you did it. If you stil chose to do it.. then he should have left you. Him holding that in his mind bottled up for 1.5 years.. was not fair to you.

Sari I feel your pain so much, words cant describe.

I think Im going to start a page to describe the physical effects of breakups.

I ate about 4000 calories a day NO LIE and I eat one small meal a day for the past two weeks, since the break up, 1000 calories on my best day. I didnt eat till 7 pM last saturday.

Sleep is four hours a day tops.

Heart will start pounding uncontrollably at times.

This is so unfair.

You dont want to hear this right now but he probably wouldnt have shaped up the way he acted

Honestly, Sari, it sounds like HE messed up his second chance. His behavior was unacceptable; don't question whether you went overboard or not. The fact of the matter is that you probably took it better than many would have. He's the one who's losing out on something wonderful, despite how you may feel right now. It's not easy to move on, but you definately deserve better. Good luck to you!!

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful replies. I went over to our flat today and packed up all my stuff, left him a note telling him that I know we love each other but I know that things are too bad for us to carry on in a relationship. Really I wanted to write 'don't leave me my love' but I'm not stooping, if he wants me back I will not make it easy for him, likewise I don't want to influence him or guilt-trip him, so I said I was doing ok and left it at that. I think he is a fool, he will never find someone with whom he shares this deep a love and connection, something he said right up to the end. He knows that and so do I. But if he doesn't actually want to be with me then who gives a sh*t about love and connections etc!

He had taken all the photos of us down and stashed them in a drawer, and by the looks of the rubbish bags he's been drinking a lot. If we're both suffering so much then why aren't we together??! Just seems crazy to me.