Torn between marriage vows and leaving my husband

[mixed feelings]

My husband goes through mood swings. They sometimes last for a month or longer. I feel pushed away, very lonely and feel that all the household responsibilities are left to me. We have no children and both work fulltime. I am self employed and may work up to 50-60 hours a week. He is not a bad man but is very good at not being conversational, working on his truck many evenings and weekends and not doing his share of walking the dog and chores. He will come in and watch tv until bed. He will go to bed and turn his back to me and sleep at night.

Other times when he is not in his mood he is an exceptional lover and can be conversational at least once a week. He can also be a good listener. He will try on occassion to clean up around the house as well. We also travel well together and have a lot of fun when we are away from home.

 

We were together 4 years and have been married now for 1 year.

We used to play sports together but now argue when we play together so we each have our own nights of playing sports. It feels as if we are doing less and less together. He does not notice this nor see the problem. I do not want to complain as I usually do so I have been trying to keep busy by playing more sports and running and challenging myself. I am meeting more and more people and am enjoying their company. Lately my husband has encouraged me to go out more on my own as well - to clubs, to resorts, to events. I usually go in a mixed group. He knows there's drinking and dancing involved. He knows that I do not know where I may be staying if its an overnight event and doesn't seem to mind if I end up on a friends floor or talking all night with another guy. I know he just trusts me but I feel as if I am being pushed away and towards someone else.

 

At home I have to do everything and he is not around to look after me. It feels like I am craving someone to look after me and want to spend some time with me. I find myself more and more interested in just spending time with a man I play volleyball with. Again my husband encourages me to play in all day tournements with him (as he does not want to play with me). We spent a great night on a weekend tournement dancing and talking and spending time together. My husband didn't want to come that weekend as he wanted to spend time with the boys 4-wheeling. The following weekend I asked my husband to join us to go out for dinner and to the fair. He said he didn't feel like it. So I went with a group of friends and the same man was there. I am feeling some strange attraction to him. I have a feeling he may feel the same but we both are not acting on it.

 

I find myself comparing this man to my husband and find my husband lacking in ways. I want children and although my husband said I could decide when, it sounds like he is firmly against them now. My family is extremely important to me. They are a little eccentric but very friendly. My husband from the 2nd year on has been rude to them. I don't think he realizes it although we have had many discussions about it. They live 4 hours away and I don't see them often enough. He doesn't ask them any questions when they are visiting and will only try and stay in the room for 5 minutes. When we visit them he sits on the couch and either falls asleep or does not get involved with anything. My mother shocked me last week when she said she has given up trying to be nice to him. She doesn't understand how he is not interested in anyone in my family, especially since his brother-in laws are all of a similar age and have similar interests. She also seems to suggest that she would support me if I decided anything. I know she just wants me to be happy. This is heartbreaking to me and a huge conflict.

 

I am torn. I love my husband. I know he loves me. So many times I feel alone and lonely. We have a dog which he loves to pieces and plays with. But as it is "my dog" all the other responsibilities are mine. I am scared to even pursue the child topic. If I really push the issue and then he is not involved in their life and does not help out I will go crazy. He is a good man and does not stay out all night drinking. He is ambitious through work and has hobbies and stays active. He may be bossy at times but not abusive.

 

I have observed this other man as I have been playing in a league with him for the past few months and I see how generous he is and how caring of others. He loves children and would like his own. He is spontaneous and very fun to be with. He can cook and holds many dinners at his home cooking for his friends. Most of all he seems to derive a lot of pleasure in making others happy where as my husband seems more self centred.

 

I don't know if I have made the wrong choice. Part of me just wants to ignore the problems and hope they are resolved in time. The other part feels my time clock ticking. I am 31 and I should know the path I want to take or I may run out of time for kids and a happy future.

[bryanp]

It sounds to me that you should be quite open and honest with your husband and tell him his lack of communication and lack of activities will push you eventually to being with other men and the end of the marriage. Ask him if he wishes to stay married and change because you have no desire to live in this type of marriage and you will find someone else eventually who shares your views toward a realtionship and a marriage. If he refuses to change then it may be time to see an attorney and find your happiness elsewhere after a divorce. I wish you luck.

[aries]

I agree with bryanp, it sounds like there is total lack of communication here. You are going to have to make him communicate with you no matter what. Communication is the key I believe when it comes to helping a marriage be successful. It sounds like you still enjoy being with him at times and that there is still feelings left for him. I would try really hard to communicate how you feel. If he does not respond, maybe try counseling and then go from there. Give him an ultimatum and that may wake him up a little. I hope it works out.

 

Support Always,

Aries