...My boyfriend was in an emotionally abusive relationship :( ...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

We met at a park.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well, things have been going well between us. The other night, though, we were together studying. I had my lap top as I was writing an essay and he had his out doing homework as well. We were at the library. Anyway, we were sending messages through our computer back and forth and he was talking to another chic that he knows from school. He sent me the messages and one of them referred to lesbian sex, which was odd. Anyway, later on he sent me another message between him and her and he wrote to me that she was completely hitting on him. He then sent me a message with her saying that she likes guys his height and taller, etc. He told her that he likes shorties. I didn't care but I thought to myself, why does he keep showing me these things. This is odd. Then later he sent me a message that he wrote to her talking about how big dicks are more satisfying and he said it as a joke. That is when I started to get irritated. I do not think that anything is going on but I felt really disrespected and felt as if he was trying to make me jealous. I just was confused about why he sent me all of that. Later on, I asked him why he was ****ing with me earlier and he said that he was just joking around. I said it seemed like he was intentionally trying to make me jealous and that I didn't appreciate it. I told him the conversation seemed a little strange. He was a little taken aback that I said anything and told me he wouldn't joke with me again. I said that it's not that I don't like to joke around as we always do, but in that regard I didn't appreciate it.

 

Later that night, we had a conversation about it. I could tell it kind of changed our dynamic a little bit. He said he didn't like debating relationship dynamics with me, but I was just trying to have him understand where I was coming from. I also told him that I felt uncomfortable when he said he thought I was trying to stake my claim when I was introduced to a friend of his because when I show affection to him, it just means that I feel affection for him. That's all. I felt silly how it all stemmed from an immature messenger conversation between he and a friend. I also felt silly because I didn't want him to think I had a problem with him having female friends. I don't. But why try to start problems? I told him I wouldn't do that to him. He told me he never gets jealous and that is something he has always prided himself on. He told me that he wouldn't get jealous because his ex's behaved so badly due to their jealousy. I do not believe that he has never gotten jealous. He has asked me about a guy that writes on my Facebook wall before. It frustrates me that he can't admit to a human emotion like that.

 

I love him very much and we do not have discussions like this...this is our first. It has changed our dynamic a little bit, though. Then today I got back from an appointment and talked to him on messenger and I told him I loved him. He said I don't love you, but it was a joke because a minute later he said, actually I do love you.

 

He is very respectful toward me in that whenever I have a problem, he listens to me. I was fired from my job recently after my third day of working there (because they said I was inexperienced) and he stood by me throughout it. I know some people would have treated me differently after that. He always wants to make sure that I am comfortable and am feeling great. He has treated me like a princess and always tells me how much he loves me. I appreciate him but am confused by certain situations.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

For whatever reason, we are not talking much today and it seems like there is a huge rift between us. I don't really understand it.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Does anyone have any thoughts about this? I was thinking about planning a romantic setting for my BF and I this weekend and until then allowing more space between us, as we have been together practically 24/7 for a long time. I think maybe we need some time apart (a couple days on our own). This weekend, I thought we could get back to the good feelings again and I want him to understand that I am not upset with him and that I love him.

[Angel1111]

Told ya.

 

If I had a bf who talked to another woman like that, I would walk away so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

 

Now that the two of you have been together for awhile, he's pushing you to see how far he can push. What he did was inexcusable and the fact that you're thinking of being warm and fuzzy toward him when he doesn't even deserve to talk to you right now shows that he's got the upper hand and that he can get away with crossing the line.

 

He's not clueless about what he did and I can now see why he tells these pitiful little stories about what a victim he was with his previous gf's. It's total nonsense. You did the right thing by talking to him about it and showing that you were disturbed by it, but you'll lose ground if you do things that make it look like you're trying to make up to him - as though you did something wrong. He's the one who should be apologizing profusely, and shouldn't be pushing his luck further with that stupid 'I don't love you' remark.

 

I'll say it again, you need to be very careful with this guy.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Angel1111, Thank you for your comments. You are always so good about writing back to me! Well, I'm afraid I might have overstated some things. For instance, when he wrote about dick size, he just said something about how bigger is better. And he told me apparently she wasn't even flirting with him, he was just joking around. I have seen this chic before and never had a problem with her.

 

And the I don't love you comment. I think that was just a joke, because he said it today and not last night. Right after, he said No, I really, really love you. So it's not as if he let me sit with that. Sometimes we have a really joking relationship with each other. He is a sweetheart but he really needs to see my boundaries. Last night was one of them. I thought maybe I reacted overboard to the whole "You and your friend probably had lots of lesbian sex" comment and dick comment...plus the indication of hitting on, but I guess not.

 

You are right, though. I shouldn't apologize for how I feel. I wouldn't want him to do that to me, either.

[kizik]

Hi back to black,

 

good to see you. I have read your thread, and I feel bad for you.

 

I feel bad for you because the whole tone of this thread is about how much you love him, but it just feels like you're trying to convince yourself. Like you want this R to make up for how lacking your last one was. I agree with Angel1111 on several points; the dude is pushing your buttons. I would not tolerate my S.O. having any kind of sexual innuendo conversation with a member of the opposite sex.

 

The guy seems like kind of a douche and you seem like you REALLY want this to work. Good R's don't take tons of work, IMO; they simply WORK. You sound like you're struggling a lot with this one, even if you are telling us how great it is.

 

In my humble opinion, I would back it off a bit. I'm not saying break it up, of course, but I would downgrade the seriousness of the R, if that is possible. Like Angel said, you don't really know him. Yet you want it to work so bad!!

 

You seem so worried about this R. Well, good healthy Rs don't need a lot of worry.

 

I hope you take this advice in the spirit which it is intended, and that is with kindness and concern.

 

PS. People who are truly mature and empathic don't ever mess around with the phrase "I love you." And they certainly don't joke, "I don't love you." To me that is a real d*ck move.

 

PPS. I can assure you that I will completely refrain from talking about my ex, in my next R. It just screams, "Baggage!" This guy doesn't really sound ready for another R yet, he's so pissed/hurt/wounded by the last one. It is not your responsibility to talk to him about HER; in fact, that's pretty f*cked up of him to put you in that spot. Like Dr. Drew says, "More mystery; less history."

[Geishawhelk]

B2black, I realise you're clarifying, but be careful you don't start making excuses for him.

 

You know, the more you write, the less I like his manners.

He's just rude to you and yanking your chain.

Here you are, being kind, loving, considerate and aware of his feelings - and he's treating you like a wipe.

 

That's really just plain bloody rude, insulting, disrespectful and undignified.

He';s also being incredibly immature and childish.

 

My partner would never even think of getting into a discussion like that, with another girl, at all. And certainly not whilst I was part of the discussion, even as a 'silent witness'.

[Angel1111]

And the I don't love you comment. I think that was just a joke, because he said it today and not last night.

 

If you had said that to him, I wonder how he would've taken it. I understood what you said before and even though he corrected himself right away, I didn't like it.

 

I would'nt tolerate my SO having conversations with another woman like that. I don't care if they say they're joking or not. Men and women only talk to one another like that because they're flirting and hoping for more. He might as well have been flirting with another woman at your table and ignoring you.

 

This is why I'm single - because I have an extremely low tolerance for crap.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

PPS. I can assure you that I will completely refrain from talking about my ex, in my next R. It just screams, "Baggage!" This guy doesn't really sound ready for another R yet, he's so pissed/hurt/wounded by the last one. It is not your responsibility to talk to him about HER; in fact, that's pretty f*cked up of him to put you in that spot. Like Dr. Drew says, "More mystery; less history."

So do you think that in relationships, we should not talk about our exes? I am seriously curious about this. Sometimes I do wonder if it's a bit much. I do not always like to talk about it.

 

I feel badly because I know a lot of these things might be out of context and it doesn't exemplify all of the sweet and romantic things he does for me. For instance, this morning I had to get up at 6 am and stayed at his place. Even though he hadn't had a lot of sleep in awhile, he set the alarm and made sure I was up because I had a phone call to make. He bought me a ball with two robins in it while he was away for Thanksgiving because he said it reminded him of us. He writes me poetry and wrote me a special song which he dedicated for me at concerts. I really appreciate all of his special ways of showing me how dear I am to him. I am not making excuses and trying to change the way I feel in certain situations; I just wanted to make the post more balanced so it doesn't seem like I'm miserable. I'm just confused about certain things.

 

I do agree, though, that it can be really awkward to talk about Exes. He has a list on his wall still that his Ex wrote about all the different things she loved about him. I think he has not thought to take it off, but I haven't said anything. I do not like to see it. He has removed pics of them together on Facebook cause he said it was out of respect for our relationship.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I guess maybe now I will say, let's not talk about our exes anymore.

 

I just have been feeling low lately. I have depression. It doesn't have to do with this situation, but is something I take medications for...I am trying to get past this bout.

[Geishawhelk]

Yeh, but it can't be helping.....

 

Stick around, chat, vent, off-load all you need to.

I'm sure when he's wonderful, he's wonderful.

But when he's a jerk, he's a JERK.

 

Please take care of YOU.

[kizik]

So do you think that in relationships, we should not talk about our exes?

 

Yes, I very much believe this. People want to talk about their exes, but all it does is cause a lot of unnecessary comparisons, jealousy, and heartache.

 

I meant it when I said I don't think your BF is ready for a new relationship. For that matter, I'm not so sure you are. The wholehearted energy with which you've thrown yourself into this new one seems desperate to me. As I previously stated, it seems like an attempt to finally "right" what was wrong with your last one.

 

You don't need men. All you need is to be happy. And you can only truly be happy once you've figured out how to do it all alone - without a shoulder to cry on.

 

Best of luck my dear.

 

Josh

[Geishawhelk]

My partner, when I met him, was quite the other way.

That is to say, he always talked of his past experience in the first person singular...

"I went to this place", "I ate at this restaurant", "I drove across America", "I went skiing...."...

 

It took me a while to realise that he did these things with his exes, but just cut them out of the picture.

They didn't figure, and he deliberately erased them from his related experiences. To talk of them was to validate them, and as the relationships were troubled, turbulent and very unsettled and unhappy, to recount them was something he found alien.

 

He used to get angry, hostile and resentful when I spoke of my experiences using "we" instead of "I"....

I never figured if it was out of jealousy or resentment, but I think it was also a mark of insecurity.

If I still spoke of past memories in the 'plural', it had to mean I still had feelings for my previous partners.

 

Over time, this sentiment dissipated, and although he still dislikes me talking of my past with others, he's sensible and comfortable enough to know it means nothing. He lets it go, with no problem.

He just hates to think of me being with them, because they were such jerks and didn't treat me right.

 

Our relationship has its ups and downs, but the initial tidal waves have calmed down and are just summer's evening waves.

We actually began really turbulently, because he had anger and resentment issues, but things are considerably calmer, and on an even keel....

We are so right for each other.

[kizik]

Back to black,

 

what's going on with this BF? Is he still being weird? I wants updates.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Well, I've been doing alright. I went and exercised for awhile yesterday with my sis. According to the machine, I used the bike for 6 miles and then I did the Elliptical (I'm not sure if that is how you spell it) for about 3. The amount of miles that I supposedly went doesn't make sense because we were there for about an hour and a half, if I remember right. Anyway, that doesn't matter. It truly alleviated some of my depression. I have clinical depression and it can be such a burden.

 

Things are going well with my BF. I bought him his Christmas gift and am excited to give it to him. It is a telescope. We can look at the stars together. He has told me he has already bought me mine. He always is considerate about that.

 

Today, though, we messaged on-line. He told me the way that he got information for potential jobs I could apply for. He told me he can hack through emails. It kind of freaked me out because apparently he does it a lot. Then he told me he could hack into his Ex's account and snoop through **** if he wanted to, but he doesn't care so he doesn't. It made me feel really uneasy.

[Geishawhelk]

Ferchrissake!

 

Always dangling the ex under your nose!!

 

B2Black - I can't stand coming into this thread any more.

You're just doing the same with us, as he's doing with you....coming in - going out.....coming in - going out......

Ditch him.

 

He's just not worth the mess he's putting you through....

 

Why - ???

 

Why the hell feel you're in this to take all this crup??!!??

 

Shoot, I'd be gone in an instant!

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Geisha, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just really confused. What bothered me the most and made me feel most uneasy was the hacking. It weirds me out when people do that. It seems really untrustworthy.

 

Do you think that it is something that can be overlooked in the grand scheme of things? For instance, we really do have a lot of incredible times together. We went on vacation together for awhile and had a glorious time.

 

I can see why you're frustrated with me.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I'm going to tell him tonight that he needs to stop talking about his ex and to take those pages down. I will say it is not going to work out if we keep bringing up exes.

[Geishawhelk]

Geisha, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just really confused. What bothered me the most and made me feel most uneasy was the hacking. It weirds me out when people do that. It seems really untrustworthy.

 

Do you think that it is something that can be overlooked in the grand scheme of things? For instance, we really do have a lot of incredible times together. We went on vacation together for awhile and had a glorious time.

 

I can see why you're frustrated with me.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be unkind.....

But there you go.

Add potentially untrustworthy to the list.

 

Do me a favour.

Change all your passwords, or delete your current accounts before you finally -

- COME TO YOUR SENSES AND TAKE A GOOD LONG WALK IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION - !!

 

 

No, sweet, I don't think it can be overlooked.

It adds to the issues, not detracts from them.

I'm also beginning to wonder - given his attitude, temperament and other qualities discussed here, just how much "at fault" his ex G/F really was.

 

All these issues don't stem from just his time with her.

This guy is somewhat of a kid.

Wouldn't it be interesting to talk with her, and gain her angle on a few things?

 

The good times are something which eventually, simply will not make up for, or compensate the bad. because the bad times hurt.

And cuts take time to heal.

Are the good times adequately long to heal those cuts?

Do the good times weigh up in favour of the bad?

[Angel1111]

I guess I'm missing something but I don't get where you need to do rush into doing anything right now. I think you just need to sit back and evaluate things. I probably wouldn't bring up the ex stuff until he mentions her again - then just let him know, 'Hey, why don't we make a deal with one another and not talk about our exes anymore.' See what he says then, and see if he respects you enough to lay off that conversation.

 

I think there are quite a few red flags with your bf but I don't think things are so critical that you need to start making ultimatums or break up with him. Just sit back and take things as they come. When he pisses you off, let him know about it right then. You'll eventually get the picture of how this is going to work out. Don't stir things up until you think they need to be stirred up.

 

We're just here letting you know our take on things and advice. But you're there and you know way more about your relationship than we do. Take it for what it's worth because you have to live with your decisions. I think you're doing fine.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks, Angel. I think I will mention it tonight if it is brought up and I will say, I feel uncomfortable sleeping in your bedroom when I am facing the list of things your Ex loves about you. I am getting irritated about that. But I will mention it in a calm manner.