How to win her back, atypical situation

[Oscar51]

I'd have to agree to that. He responded quite negatively to our responses so I'm assuming things didn't go well or else he'd be here rubbing it in.

 

If it didn't go well, atleast he knows to move on now. Which moving on has 2 benefits: you get over her or she comes back. One of those 2 aren't bad, because you get control of YOU back. You can't ever control someones emotions. As Rob says in Swingers. "You can't do anything to make her wanna come back, you can only do things to make her not wanna come back.". The only way a reconciliation will work is if the dumper realizes they made a mistake. Not b/c you played games, or begged for another chance. Have some pride, if you beg, she will always wear the pants. Is that what you would want?

 

What most people don't understand is that this takes time. If someone was a part of your everyday life and is gone, then yes it will be hard. But they made the decision to dump you for a reason. Its up to you what you do with that decision. Do you sit around and cry or get up and learn from it. I choose option B. I've found that being dumped can be an amazing motivator. In a way you better yourself to not just prove your ex wrong, but most importantly to attract someone new and you in turn become a better person. You never know what life will throw at you, who knows you may run into yoiur ex a year down the road and you start over. You may not, do you want to sit around and let a great girl pass you by b/c you are clinging to any hope of getting her back? I think not.

[moonmoon]

Hey all, basically nothing has been answered from the coffee date. I came close to bringing up the topic of relationship/etc and tried to give her the opportunity by saying "so what did you think we would talk about this evening?" and she just said she had honestly no idea, then she asked me something similar, and I went into a kind of silence, I had a bunch of different things to say running through my head but they were all phrases that people had told me to say, and I was not willing to take that risk without it being something that came 100% from myself. It was kind of 20 seconds of awkward silence and I felt desperation set in, if I had come out and said something right away, there would have been a decent shot at her saying something positive but by the end of the silence it woulda looked pretty desperate for me to try and bring anything up. She said it looked like i was "mulling over" something and I just said nah or something and changed the topic.

It was a really nice just under an hour meetup we went on a walk after coffee and ice cream, and she arrived ten minutes early just like me so we met up in the parking lot. She referred to a joke I made about a sexual scene in the movie that was an oblique reference to us, so I felt like she definitely wasnt being guarded in any way, but clearly as has always been the case with her, she wasnt going to bring up feelings relationships etc of her own accord.

I told her id like to see her before she leaves town and told her to give me a call if she goes out tomorrow night to celebrate her exams being over because I would be at some bars and it would be good to see her. She said okay. Gave her a hug without turning my head and she had her head turned coming into the hug so I didnt try to kiss her or kiss the cheek or anything.

All I can say is the meetup or the breaking of NC hasnt set me back in any way, but it also hasnt really answered any of the big questions of mine. I did exhibit some of the changes that my analyzing of our past has made me realize I would need to make to have another go at things. Right now Im just kind of in limbo praying that she wants to do something and makes the effort to contact me before she leaves town. Even though I requested the contact, I feel like whether I hear from her in the next couple days will be pretty indicative of my long term chances with her.

Overall it was a happy brief and upbeat hangout and the only mistake was that brief awkward silence.

I agree with you guys that I wouldve had just a little bit more of her "missing me" on my side if I gave it another week or two of NC, but the time constraints didnt fit that so I feel like the ends justified the means.

If she does call tomorrow night or wednesday I think I will be ready to throw some more cards on the table.

Im finally becoming able to accept that getting back together could take months not weeks.

Sorry I dont really have any facts in for you guys yet.

[moonmoon]

The coffee date did however, make it clear to me that I do have to make a personal choice soon whether I keep trying to make this thing work or go on with my life. It sucks that those cant be two compatible agendas but im getting gray hairs over this ****.

Damned if she didnt look as amazing as ever, woulda been alot easier to take her off her pedestal if her looks and personality werent as great as ever.

I want my apartment and my life back, I still feel like her ghost owns it. Wish I could say told ya so, or at least say, I admit im wrong, but very little has been answered.

I know the majority of people whove been posting on my thread will disagree, but I do think it is to my advantage that we met up and were able to keep things casual, i feel like more opportunities like that will give me a friendship with her that I can use as a backdrop for a renewed relationship. I feel like it is one thing to develop a friendship anew, but that is very different from being told "lets just be friends" by her. If I ever hear any phrase or statement like that I promise everyone in here that I will run for the hills.

[samspade]

Hey moon - I commend you on your restraint. I don't think the awkward silence was such a mistake. It could have been a lot worse. You wisely kept yourself from showing your cards, to use your reference. Good job.

 

I still don't think you are doing yourself any favors and would advise against showing any more "cards," not until she lays a couple down. The reason, my friend, is that she is holding the aces, not you. Really, my advice is to put her on the back burner for now, if not on the ash heap, for good.

 

Are you sure you want to put yourself through months of this? You seem stoic but I'm guessing deep down you're disappointed. (I may be wrong.) Just consider for a moment your position - you have almost zero power in this situation. The only real power you have is to walk away. On the other hand, if you were to start a new relationship with a new female, your power related to her would at the very least be 50-50. I still don't buy that your ex is too remiss to bring up feelings or relationships in a discussion, because it sounds like her romantic interest in you is almost nonexistent.

 

I know you think I'm being a d!ck but I'm trying to help.

[moonmoon]

Hey moon - I commend you on your restraint. I don't think the awkward silence was such a mistake. It could have been a lot worse. You wisely kept yourself from showing your cards, to use your reference. Good job.

 

 

Very true. thanks man. I appreciate you sticking around and actually giving some insight - I know i jumped down your throat when you first came in here by bygones be bygones.

I know a lot of people in here are burned. Having not been genuinely burned by the breakup or the relationship I feel a little different than a lot of people in here who are never looking back.

 

Fortunately the holiday break will be coming soon so she will be gone and there would be little I could do anyways. and Ill have some old flames coming through town to keep my mind a little bit preoccupied. There were some lasting deep looks into each others eyes last night so I dont feel the romance is anywhere near nonexistant, and I think she will truly appreciate the space I have showed her. We posted on each others facebook walls tonight so that cant possibly be a bad thing.

 

One good mental exercise for myself will be learning how to not wrap so much of my happiness up in her because that will be personal growth whether we get back together or not.

[4by4]

Moonmoon, doesn't sound like your meet-up went too badly. You were right to not say anything about the relationship, keep your cards hidden. I saw my ex last week and she also looked good as usual, makes it hard when you still find them physically attractive

 

I think you are on the right track with your attitude too. You have to make a call on whether to let go or hang on. I was also torn between letting my ex go completely or keep hoping, in the end I couldn't go on with my days just hoping.. I was messed up. So I cut all contact, it hurts but not nearly as much as been friends. She was admant she had lost her feelings and I knew no matter what I did it was never going to work.

 

Hope things work out for you but I can tell you the alternative is not too bad either. Each day I feel that much better and my pain is actually pretty manageble now. I think I have accepted the fact she is gone, I just miss the friendship and the great moments we shared together once upon a time. NC does work, if you believe in the process and WANT to get over her.

[Oscar51]

Moon...

 

I think you did a good job. One thing you have to look at here is that she did show up for your coffee date. I would say she has some interest in you, however it is impossible to tell at this moment rather that is strictly friends, or more. If she wanted nothing to do with you, she wouldn't have bothered showing up. With the facebook wall thing, did she post on your wall first? I have a rule to myself to never post on a girl's wall unless she posts on mine, and still rarely I reply to that post so it looks like I have a life.

 

However let me ask you this...How do you feel after this meeting with her? Do you feel any better? Be honest with me. I'm guessing you probably were left with an empty feeling because you were hoping she'd spill her heart. But she didn't. We are looking at this without any emotion towards this girl. I don't want you to set yourself up for any more heartbreak.

 

My opinion...Wait for her to make a move now. Show some restraint since it seems in the past you never had any. This way you show you really have changed and aren't desperate.

 

Like I've said in the past, people do get back together, but it's usually after a long time apart. That being 6 months or more. Why? Because we as humans tend to forget and let things go over a long period of time. SHOW some value Moon, let this girl chase you because that's what you want. God mad MEN stronger than women, and that's really what women want. Yes they like a little sensitivity now and then, but they don't want a doormat that will bend over backwards and do whatever they say.

 

Keep us updated please.

[mcson]

Dear All,

 

Before I start, please forgive for my english as I am Turkish and english is my second language.

 

I have read all messages 9 pages long. I think if someone believes in love , I mean truly love, whatever we say or suggest he/she will still go after the beliefs and desires. He will still do the things he want to do whether they are right or worng.

 

Anyway , everybody lives his own choice at the end of the day and Moonmoon picked a way for himself. I am not saying he is right or wrong because he is the one who can only know what is right/wrong. I hope he succeeds in his attempt and his love comes back to life again!!

 

 

Moonmoon, I know you do not agree with somepeople's suggestion over here but I feel the same way you do and I know you will just go ahead with your own thoughts. I hope all turns out to be lovely again!!

 

I am actually in a similar situation at the moment. I will tell the story briefly to you guys;

 

We have been together for 2 years. It is a long distance relationship (I am in Turkey, she is in Russia). We really did make it to see eachother quite often and had long vacations together. I found out that I really love her want to take our relation to a upper level, like living together or even getting married. I said I wanted to go to Moscow to live with her but she said she did not want to live in Moscow so then I asked her to come here really to live with me. The story starts after that actually, having asked her that, she said she really does not know, she needs time-space whatever it is.

 

At first I begged to her unfortunately but then I realised that pushed her away and I cut contact for 2 weeks and then she texts me' How are you? Have you decided to cut all connection with me? Right after I reply to her message '' I am ok, how are you?'' She goes to Italy for vacation for 2 weeks as it was planned by her.

 

It has been a week she is there in Italy with a close friend of hers who is married to an Italian guy. ANyway, while she was in Italy I sent her a message asking How she is? and the next day she texted me '' How are you? What r u doing? I replied; I am good, doing well. Reading on sth. now, How are you in deed?'' and she replies '' I am fine. Was thinking what you were doing.

 

I suspect she is checking on me. I really do not wanna get false hope that she will come back to me. My plain is to wait another week for her to go back to Russia and contact her to say that I want to meet her. At that point I really do not know how to approach her in order not to scare her away.

Should I say? I realise your concerns, I am ready to give as much as time you require and I want to talk? or I should say that I want answers form her?

 

PErsonally, I ram really exhauseted and I want to put and to this torture. I want to know what she thinks, if she does not really feel as before or she does not want to be with me, I will end it although I know I will suffer so much.

 

Do you think her fears of moving here go beyond her feelings? On the other hand, I also believe that if someone really loves, he/she can do whatever is nedded to be with loved one.

 

I am really confused guys. Thinking is really killing me. I know how to apply No Contact Rule, I read some of those books. But as far as my situation is concerned, I really do no t know whether she is playing a game? or she wants me back again? she wants to break up? or she is testing my confidence and decisiveness??

 

I really appreciate any thoughts you may come up with, any suggestion, any advice!!!

 

Thank you all in advance

 

Your firend from Turkey

[moonmoon]

You actually write in very good english! fortunately for you Mcson, it doesnt seem like she has hit any kind of breaking point like my ex did.

 

I feel that for your situation, as well as my situation, No Contact is not the way to go, although I feel that more strongly about in your situation.

Although its painful not pouring my heart out to her, doubly due to the fact that I always took care not to pour my heart out to her while I was with her.

The way I see it, is that as long as I keep a positive relationship with her that doesnt leave her feeling pressured, I will never expend the opportunity to pour my heart out to her down the line, and furthermore we may have the stability and goodwill that allows her to truly appreciate the gift of someone who is so committed instead of feeling scared, chased, etc.

I want to tell her what she means to me, but Id rather wait till it feels like a blessing instead of a curse. Thats not really intuitive but thats why I am thankful for friends and places like loveshack so I can learn from others mistakes. To an outsider it looks like common sense. But to someone in the middle of these feelings it is counterintuitive.

On an outside note, the loss of appetite, lethargy, demotivation, bouts of crying, zoning out have still not really improved for me, and I am coming up on a month since the break up soon. I totalled my car yesterday by driving into a parked car.

I want to say that it made me realize how easily I could have died, how much worse things could be... but in restrospect, the pain from losing her has changed little if at all, it only even occurred to me once or twice that I totalled my car yesterday, and thinking about it doesnt really elicit a reaction out of me.

[moonmoon]

Mcson, I would be thinking of a way to get together and do something that doesnt put much emotional or mental pressure on her and still have a good time. I dont know that the texting back and forth is necessarily hurting anything but I dont think it is helping your cause. I think sometimes people use it as a way to let things fizzle out because it is a way for casual meaningless interactions to supplant a real relationship.

Maybe next time she texts you, wait for a little bit and then call her for a nice conversation, and just talk about things you have joked about before. Stay on the phone for more than just a few minutes, so that you can truly build on the good feelings, but make a conscious effort not to bring up your relationship status. If she feels compelled to, just listen and express understanding.

Even if she in the worst case scenario goes out of her way to say she wants a break from your relationship, actually expressing your understanding instead of trying to fight that, I think will instantly bring her back to you, somewhat.

[Eli_Peterson]

I think that if you're feeling good....and by good I mean that you have sort of gotten yourself back and are feeling confident about the relationship and that you can and want to and are able to have a good time hanging out with this woman them perhaps a checkin might be in order....I am not a big fan of playing games but perhaps under the auspices of her having something that you need that she may have taken during the "split" or something of hers that you found that she might need. Since there doesn't seem to be any animosity I say "no harm, no foul" and if you guys hit it off again and she falls madly in love with the strong proud confident man that you once were and who is now back again then all's well that ends well...

 

I do think that the fact that she calls it a "break" instead of a "break up" is a clue here. I know that I have had this happen to me and my ex used to call it a "split", almost as if she couldn't bear to say the words....it means something and counts for something.

 

One point though....before you do any of this, be sure of what you really want in your heart. If you are not absolutely sure that you want this woman, don't lead her on...if you care done with the relationship then let her know and be done....still friends but be done. She gave you her virginity, which puts a whole different spin on things...be kind...she is someone's daughter

[mcson]

Dear Moonmoon,

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

I perfectly understand the pain you are having at the moment. It feels like you are havnig your life is sucked out of your body, no enjoyi no fun, no apetite, ..feeling like a dead. By the way I am really sorry for the accident you recently had. Thank God that it did not come out to be physically harmful for you.

 

I have had many advices from several different people and basically most of them say the same thing '' do not beg-chase her, let her free, be confident, stay away, be the guy she loved at first and so on''

I now that such things should be applied really but conversely it is really hard to apply when you have such pain inside.

 

I admit that I tried to persuade her and argued to her. I even begged her not to do that...but similar to yours it has been a month we basically broke up, I stopped doing such things 2 weeks ago. Yes I still feel the pain and sorrow but I do not let her know...I stop myself messaging her, contacting her...and I know that if I keep contactin her...that will push her further away...

 

However, I am not really quite sure if that NC rule really works here or not, or if it applies to our situation?? I did begging and such things and that pushed her further away so I am trying this now...no other option.

 

I take your advice as being nice and concious when contacting to her. I will do that but I still do not know how to persuade her to see eachother on face?? Should I say--'' I booked the ticket and hotel and I am coming to Moscow to see and talk?''

or just not to mention anything and wait for her to ask for a meeting??

 

 

Eliah,

 

Thank you for your suggestion as well. However, how do you think actually we can make it to hit eachother off again? It is obvious that we cannot persuade women not to break up but conversely we cannot talk to them properly at the moment. I know my mistakes and I really do not want to repeat them in order not to fall back in to old patterns of relationship. However, I do not know how to contact her again? What to say to her?

 

She is in Italy for vacation and going back to Russia next week. Untill that time I am not going to contact her...but she may contact me and how can I act when she contacts? For 3 weeks I acted like cool and confident whenever she contacted me through sms...but it does not really seem that if I keep this cool mood she will come back...I feel like I have to do something to get her back...

 

My exact need of advice is that how should I contact her in order to make her accept to meet up again?

 

 

I hope all becomes ok with you again 'moonmoon''

 

Thank you very much in advance

 

Take care

[mcson]

Hello again,

 

One thing I forgot to mention;

 

I think NC rule is a way to ease pain and sorrow. DO you really think it workes to get our ex back? Do you think with applying such rules books state out such as- No Contact- Improve yourself-get fit- improve the food you eat- do not beg- etc., our ex will come back eventually? Will the attraction come back?

 

I do believe that the main reason Women break up is that they loose attraction towards their men.

 

What is the best way to get back her attraction? Most of us believe that they still love us somehow and they need time but what is the appropriate way to let her feel that I am the men of her life? Unfortunately most books out there do not say anything about that, their rule is ismple '' Do not Contact'' ohh I wish life was that easy!!

 

Moonmoon and Eli what do you guys think about that?

 

Many Thanks

[moonmoon]

What books have you read Mcson? Because I remember reading one and skimming a couple others and I dont recall them harping on "No Contact" like this forum. They do say to tone it waayyy down, maybe give it a couple weeks before contacting them, but they focused more on how you act when you DO interact. They said to start off acting entirely as friends, and then after a couple interactions, throw in the occasional flirty gesture.

 

One of my friends have just told me to ask her out to dinner when she gets back in town. I like it because it is simple, it doesnt involve any conversations or "Define the relationships" but at the same time, it clearly IS a date. Its like having her where you want her without the chase. If she has a good time, (which the only way you can really screw that up is by talking about the relationship or putting pressure on her) then she is going to want to do it again. I think when the bad outweighs the good is when women bail on relationships, so it follows that when the good outweighs the bad, they become more friendly with the idea of a relationship.

If you can change the way you interact so much that the bad is just a tiny speck compared to the good in your new interactions, I think you are in position for a relationship. However, and I made this mistake with an ex that I won back, long ago, i think you need to make sure with yourself that you arent compromising yourself as part of a secret contract with yourself that you are only keeping up in order to win her back.

I truly love the fact that my ex sees through and does not take part in any BS, because even if I tried to fake it, it would never work.

 

I wish I still had a book that I bought many years ago, called something like how to win back your lover. unfortunately, not long after I got back together with the ex, I told her I had read the book, and she got really mad that I had used some formula like that, and threw the book away.

 

I am considering getting one of these books that are massively advertised online, not that I think it will or wont be particularly effective, but i remember it really helps to pacify yourself, and think about things objectively and logically.

[mcson]

Dear Moonmoon,

 

The book I have read is called '' Magic of ....'' which is said to be the ''Best Seller'' in its type.

I do not wanna give the full name of it here as it may cause harm to the seller/owener/auther but basically it states the same things a syou just mentioned.

How to interact after NC period etc.

 

Like you say, I think a meeting after a breakup is crucial in order to be friendly and seem positive. If you seem positive, cool and friendly, women most probably consider to get back to the relation or opposite may also happen. It really depends on the person we are interacting with.

 

I think I have heard of the book you mentioned..I do not know what is written there bu I reckon it says more or less the same BS.

 

I think it is a good idea to ask for Dinner! You can either ask for a Lunch which sounds like an easier meeting up...more casual

Up to you of course...but like you say if she appears at the dinner and if you spend a good time ...i think it is a sign of dating back again...but then you should not be too excited and you should not seem so ambitious..I think that scares them away...

 

The thing is getting confusing when you still love her really...Somehow they need to realise our love is above everything and they have to appreciate that....In the contrary, I do not think there will be a relation again...either in your case or my case

[Oscar51]

I hope you don't waste any of your money on a stupid e-book on the internet.

 

I don't mean to sound like an ass but you guys just don't get it. When a woman loses attraction for you, its pretty much a done deal. If you were a doormat and did everything for her, then whatever you do to try to impress or get her attention will be seen as begging. And she will see you haven't really changed.

 

The only time I feel like you can win back an ex is if you cheated on her or you were the one who broke up with her. Remember YOU were dumped, she decided her life was better without you in it. Why waste your time? She obviously isn't pining over you and if she is, she won't ever let you know that.

 

Go ahead and call me hostile and tell me your relationship is different, but if someone wants to be with you, they will find a way back to you. Do you really want to be with someone you had to trick and CHANGE who you are for? I hope not.

[moonmoon]

She obviously isn't pining over you and if she is, she won't ever let you know that.

 

I think you unintentionally hit the point that some of us are making.

 

Do you really want to be with someone you had to trick and CHANGE who you are for? I hope not.

 

I dont think anyone here is talking about tricking anyone. I also agree that I wouldnt want to change for someone, but in my case I have been working on two particular changes to myself that I realize I need to make for myself and I have a strong feeling that they were two of the major changes that would have made a relationship with her work.

 

I agree if she wanted me to be someone different than who I am or want to be than that would be a bad change. But now I am just rehashing my last post anyways.

 

If you were a doormat and did everything for her, then whatever you do to try to impress or get her attention will be seen as begging.

 

I personally was very far from a doormat to her, nor did I do everything for her. I did have my happiness wrapped up entirely in her though. Im not really looking to impress her or get her attention here either.

[BCCA]

A word of warning from someone who did the "lets just meet for dinner" thing before. She may say yes, and she may in fact have a good time, but that could also mean that she may think youre ok just being friends. The whole "dont mention the relationship" bit is a double edged sword. While youre not putting her on the spot and asking serious questions, youre also letting time go by and allowing her to see you without any definition to your relationship. And I had my ex invite me over to make me dinner and watch a move, which is obviously a date right? Well, obvious to everyone but her. She just considered it a friendly get together. I urge you all to not assume that your ex is going to look at this meeting in the same way, because she probably wont.

 

I own the book you speak of, along with several others. Let me clear this up right now, theyre all a gimic and they all rely on essentially tricking someone into falling back into a relationship with you. Why do you think its only got a 30 day money back promise, and the first thing it says is to go NC for at least 4 weeks? Wouldnt that mean that as soon as you were ready to follow through with the rest of the plan you would already be past the 30 limit? Exactly, thats no coincidence.

 

The other issue to consider is that you really arent getting anything from your ex to make you think shes on board with trying round two. Dont you think if it was REALLY going to work, both of you would want the same thing?

 

I'll say it here, nothing you can do or say ALONE will help your situation at all. If you dont have 2 people that want to make it work, it never will.

[moonmoon]

And I had my ex invite me over to make me dinner and watch a move, which is obviously a date right? Well, obvious to everyone but her.

 

Did you ask her that very evening why she had invited you over? What makes you feel that she didnt feel it was that way? I think the very act of asking changes the whole dynamic.

 

The bottom line here is that I have come to see over the years that women see dating veeerrrrryyyy differently from guys. The second I start putting labels on what we are doing (dating, relationship) they get spooked. This has also happened vice versa with me despite being very attracted to the girl. Its logical too. Needing to define what you are doing with them is undue pressure.

[samspade]

Why do you think its only got a 30 day money back promise, and the first thing it says is to go NC for at least 4 weeks? Wouldnt that mean that as soon as you were ready to follow through with the rest of the plan you would already be past the 30 limit? Exactly, thats no coincidence.

 

That's classic. Too funny. Unfortunately, there's a sucker born every minute.

 

The bottom line here is that I have come to see over the years that women see dating veeerrrrryyyy differently from guys. The second I start putting labels on what we are doing (dating, relationship) they get spooked.

 

Moonmoon, that is not what BCCA was saying at all. Of course you're not defining anything verbally or labeling anything, that would be foolish. But when you spend time with a woman, you're either a) laying groundwork for a platonic, friendly relationship, or b) laying groundwork for a romantic one. But your efforts toward the latter will be fruitless if she isn't feeling something similar toward YOU, and you WON'T be able to elicit those feelings by simply acting friendly and platonic.

 

What you're gambling on is that by keeping things light and friendly, you will make her feel comfortable enough to fall back into love with you. That's a possibliity, but an extremely slim one. What is much more likely is you will give her permission to treat you as a friend, and absolve her of any guilt she may feel for dumping you because you're totally cool with just being friends. Which I don't believe you're cool with, or you wouldn't be buying "get your ex back" books and posting here.

[BCCA]

Did you ask her that very evening why she had invited you over? What makes you feel that she didnt feel it was that way? I think the very act of asking changes the whole dynamic.

 

The bottom line here is that I have come to see over the years that women see dating veeerrrrryyyy differently from guys. The second I start putting labels on what we are doing (dating, relationship) they get spooked. This has also happened vice versa with me despite being very attracted to the girl. Its logical too. Needing to define what you are doing with them is undue pressure.

 

No, she actually brought it up. We kissed and both kind of like did that 'oops' face, and she started crying, and told me that she didnt really think it out, but to her, this was just a friendly get together and she didnt see anything romantic involved. This info was given 100% without me asking for it. Basically, she said she was lonely and enjoyed my company, but didnt put any thought into how I was feeling/thinking. Before you act like your ex is vastly different, I just have to say this has happened to many other people Ive talked to.

 

The part about putting labels on things is false. How many girls are honestly going to sleep with or see a guy for over a month without wanting him to commit to being thier bf? Not a whole lot. I know its easier to believe what the 'how to get her back' books say about just letting it go, but the problem is that there are a lot of us out there that have done that before and realized that all it did was waste weeks and months, because in the end if youre not on the same page, everyone is just wasting time. You dont need an exact definition from them immediately, but Im not going to hang out and wait for you to call when you feel like it and hang out in the way that works for you. What about me? What about what I want? Hanging around hoping that your ex wants the same things as you do is asking for a dissapointment. You dont have to call them out on the spot, but would you start working for a company without knowing that they were going to hire/pay you? Of course not.

 

What youre doing is talking yourself into believing the systems outlined in those stupid, complete waste of money, books because thats the way you want things to be. Bottom line, if your ex wants to work things out, she wants to work things out. But if she doesnt, thats the end of the road, friend. True love doesnt mean sacrificing your heart and feelings in hopes that someone else might be persuaded to feel the same way.

[BCCA]

moonmoon, that is not what BCCA was saying at all. Of course you're not defining anything verbally or labeling anything, that would be foolish. But when you spend time with a woman, you're either a) laying groundwork for a platonic, friendly relationship, or b) laying groundwork for a romantic one. But your efforts toward the latter will be fruitless if she isn't feeling something similar toward YOU, and you WON'T be able to elicit those feelings by simply acting friendly and platonic.

 

Exactly.

[moonmoon]

But when you spend time with a woman, you're either a) laying groundwork for a platonic, friendly relationship, or b) laying groundwork for a romantic one.

 

I know some people who believe that the two are mutually exclusive, and some people that believe the two arent, I tend towards the latter. Think about a lot of the girls you have met over the years. How many do you think would positively react to you coming out and saying, 'im interacting with you to lay groundwork for a romantic relationship'? Only easy girls would take this positively in my opinion. And I know you didnt verbally say anything to bring the topic up, BCCA, but cant you see that kissing her is pretty much tantamount?

 

Parties and bars would be heavily segregated by gender (aside from couples) if that were the case, but that is not what we see in the real world.

 

samspade. I feel like Ive been through this with you here before, but take a second to reflect on your attitude with posts like this:

That's classic. Too funny. Unfortunately, there's a sucker born every minute.

or you wouldn't be buying "get your ex back" books and posting here.

 

I have not been buying get your ex back books, - you would notice if you actually read my posts- and there are a million different reasons why I could be posting on here.

This makes me more justified in getting on your case, notice how BCCA makes similar points to you without being snide, dismissive, or assinine?

[BCCA]

I know some people who believe that the two are mutually exclusive, and some people that believe the two arent, I tend towards the latter. Think about a lot of the girls you have met over the years. How many do you think would positively react to you coming out and saying, 'im interacting with you to lay groundwork for a romantic relationship'? Only easy girls would take this positively in my opinion. And I know you didnt verbally say anything to bring the topic up, BCCA, but cant you see that kissing her is pretty much tantamount?

 

First, I gotta kind of call you out for saying that anyone would walk up to a chick and say anything like that. Come on dude, thats not what I was saying at all. The point I was making is that when you spend time with a girl, youre either moving towards a freindship or more than that. You dont just spend time with women without any direction. When you get to know them, you may decide that you can only offer them a frienship or vice versa, but you usually have an idea what you want in mind.

 

As for the kiss, we were sitting on the couch, she laid her head on my shoulder and looked up at me. Its not like I went about it all awkwardly or she pushed me away. It was a mutual thing, not like I forced myself on her or it was 100% me. I doubt anyone here would miss the signal like that: Girl lays head on shoulder and looks up at me like she wants a kiss, what am I supposed to do? lol And really, youre splitting hairs, because I think she knew full well what she wanted out of our visit long before I got there. Like I said, you would be surprised about how many ex's just honestly get lonely and want company. If you let it go on more than 1-2, theyre going to start to think you want the same thing.

 

Look brother, I know how hard it is to REALLY accept this, but its so true: if she wanted to work it out, you would know. There is nothing that you can do to change her feelings, it has to be what she wants.

 

Regardless, I hope things work out ok for you.

[samspade]

I have not been buying get your ex back books, - you would notice if you actually read my posts- and there are a million different reasons why I could be posting on here.

This makes me more justified in getting on your case, notice how BCCA makes similar points to you without being snide, dismissive, or assinine?

 

First of all, I'm not getting roped in to an argument over semantics with you. You may not have bought a book like that, but you're expressing interest in it on these boards, and BCCA has the good sense to advise you against it. And I've read your posts and see the reason you're posting here...because you're not over your ex and are trying to get her back. Don't bull***** me.

 

Secondly, there is a sucker born every minute, whether YOU like it or not. And anyone who buys a book with a 30-day money back guarantee selling a 31-day-or-longer plan is a sucker, plain and simple. So if you haven't bought that book, be glad you saved your money. If you somehow inferred from my statement that YOU are a sucker, well, that's your problem, not mine.

 

Thirdly, I'm beginning to think you're a troll because of statements like this

 

Think about a lot of the girls you have met over the years. How many do you think would positively react to you coming out and saying, 'im interacting with you to lay groundwork for a romantic relationship'?

 

when anyone would understand that you don't come out and say something like that. Don't act like a jerk when somebody tries to give you advice, moonmoon. If, however, you actually thought this was what I meant, then your problems run deeper than I believed.

 

You're looking for excuses to get on my case, because I happen to be telling you the truth and you don't like it. My tone might be a little sharper than BCCA's, but I'm respecting what I believe is your intelligence because even though you are seeing things the wrong way, I happen to think you actually know better and need convincing. That, sir, is respect, not derision. But because you're frustrated and are being presented with arguments that run against your emotionally-charged ideas, you easily take umbrage. You think we all want you to suffer, and when you persist in your delusion, you launch ad hominem attacks. Go ahead and supplicate yourself to your ex, if that is what you want. Hand her your balls on a silver platter, let her stomp on them all over again. Or, be her mentally anguished BFF who listens to her stories about dating and sleeping with other men, if you're comfortable with that. But if you're going to ask for advice, don't cut down the people trying to give it to you - some of us have been down the same road.

 

And, finally, if you're going to call someone "asinine," for the love of God, spell it right.