One step forward two steps back

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask why you drove by? Would've been better if you didn't and just stayed home.

 

Anyway, I really hope you can back up your words with actions now. Again, go full on NC with him and focus on your husband and kids.

 

I still think you need to move.

[forbidden fruit]

Just for a update. Ever since I did not meet my xmm life is starting feel somewhat normal. I still feel guilty for what I did to everyone involved, but I am learning to forgive myself and let this go. My marriage is getting better and what I have learned is that I really value my h for the kind of man he is and what a good father he is. Without xmm in my life I am off the rollercoaster. No more anxiety attacks, no more sleepless nights and no more wasted days. I wish I could give back the time I took away from my kids. the only sore spot is the xmm. Not that I give a rats a###, but he is so mad at me for not meeting him and doing what he wanted that he practically ran me over the other day.

 

He is also playing games with me which he thinks will make me mad, but I just laugh. I laugh because I see through him now and he cannot get to me. He will forever be trying to lure me back into the affair and give me nothing in return. When is he going to get his jig is up. He is acting like a spoiled child who did not get what he wanted. the fog is lifting and when it lifts you do not see the person u fell so hard for and almost ruined your life for. I am actually scared of him now because I never know what he is going to do next. I relly would love to move, and I am working on that.

[JamesM]

As they say, it ain't over till it's over. (Yogi Berra)

 

Since it has been only a month, then I think time will tell.

 

As for forgiveness, the one who as been wronged is the one who needs to forgive the wrongdoer.The wrongdoer cannot forgive him or herself.

 

If the MM has wronged you, then he must ask for forgiveness from you. However, if YOU have wronged your husband, then HE must forgive you.

 

Otherwise, it is an exercise that seems to accomplish nothing.

 

Now moving on does not require forgiveness from yourself. It requires a change in attitude and a change in lifestyle choices.

 

This last post of yours does reflect some of that change in attitude and lifestyle choices. Keep it up.

[bentnotbroken]

Has your husband been given the option of forgiveness yet? If not, don't get too comfortable.

[whichwayisup]

Moving is the only option here. If you stay, you'll always see exMM around the neighbourhood.

 

Stay strong and start looking for houses.

[Owl]

Exactly.

 

You'll continue to be trapped in this whole situation if you remain where you're at.

 

If you really WANT to fix things, you have to start by doing the hard part...confessing to your H, and taking actions to go TRUE NC by arranging for a move to remove OM out of your life completely.

 

Here's the thing...if OM is being that much of a jerk...its going to become very obvious to others around the two of you.

 

The truth is GOING TO come out. The only thing here is, you have the opportunity to do it the right way, to help your H deal with it, to confess it rather than be 'busted'.

 

Your only choices here are to do the RIGHT thing and try to fix it, and let your H see that you're trying to do this...or wait and get busted, and then fight to try to convince your H at THAT point...you'll have a LOT less ability to influence a positive outcome by waiting.

 

You've ALREADY made a fool out of your H, and are just waiting for the emotional hammer to fall on him.

 

All you can do now is to try to FIX things, and minimize the damage that he'll take.

 

So...when are you going to have that 'sit down' with your husband to work this out?

[forbidden fruit]

Why do u all think the truth will come out. If i do not engage the antics of my xmm all of the drama will go away. It takes two to play. I simply cannot tell my H because it will only cause him more pain and I honestly do not want to lose him and I know I have no right to say this.

 

I hear what u all are saying , but it is easy to say when it is just words u are saying to someone else that could change their lives as well as children forever. I am curious how many of you would do exactly what you are telling me to do. Maybe I am selfish coward, but everyone makes mistakes and boy did i make a big one I will never forget.

 

Noone around us can tell we are not talking because xmm is always working and he is staying away from me and vice versa. I know engaging him is something I cannot do anymore for any reason!!! The truth is not going to come out because neither of us want to lose our families. I will keep this secret until i die and I am sure he will. I feel guilty and terrible everyday for not telling my husband.

[Owl]

Well, I'm going to be brutally honest here.

 

You MIGHT 'get lucky' and keep this secret until the day you die. If you do, you'll almost certainly keep that terribly guilty feeling with you all that time as well. Just remember...you have no right to feel like a martyr for doing so either...because you are NOT doing so for him. You are doing so for YOU.

 

At the end of the day, recognize that this isn't about protecting your husband from your bad choices. If that was your ideal and goal, of course the affair never would have happened.

 

This is about protecting YOURSELF from the bad choices. This prevents you from having to accept the RESPONSIBILITY for those actions...it keeps you from being accountable for them and the damage done because of them.

 

There's nothing noble in this, nothing 'self-sacrificing'. He won't thank you for letting him live the rest of his marriage with you as a complete sham and total lie.

 

The truth is...he'll be even MORE hurt and angry for making him live that lie.

 

I've seen it more times than I can count on this site and others.

 

And the reason I think this will come out? Simple...the vast majority of these things DO resurface in some fashion or another. Your OM/MM starts acting out angrily...and his wife senses the change and starts snooping to find out why. Someone else completely notice that the two of you are both acting out of character...and decides to ask your H about it. Your H notices a change in your behavior, and starts putting things together. His wife catches him cheating next year with someone else, confronts him, and gets the FULL truth from him as he fights to save his marriage...so he throws you under the bus. Heck...10 years from now, a chance remark about OM/MM snaps a light on in your H's mind and he asks you directly and bluntly about what went on, and you don't have a story prepared.

 

But hey...what do I know? I've not read hundreds of stories along these same lines...not provided advice to tons of posters here and on other forums, and seen how things worked out in their cases.

 

Good luck. If you manage to pull this off, and the affair remains ended and he still doesn't know about it even one year from now, please, come back and post here on the forum to prove me wrong. I will be the FIRST to eat crow.

[forbidden fruit]

First off I am sure all the scenarios could play out. There are few things that most likely wouldn't happen. My xmm is already on drugs for anger and anxiety which his wife told him to get on so she already knows he is angry all the time.

 

This anger would not be out of character out of him. Second she will never leave him because I am sure i was not his first affair and she most likely knows about the past ones. He has ruined her self-esteem so she thinks she cannot make it without him. She will never, never ever leave him !!! Even he has another affair and he tries to lie his way out he will not dig himself deeper by telling about us. I know that much about him.

 

As far as my h I think he knows about the A and is turning a blind eye because he loves his family and does not want to face the truth because it is too painful.

So yes it might come out, but not by the way you have outlined.

[forbidden fruit]

Have u seen the Bridges Of Madison County, maybe not a real story but she kept the secret until she died. It happens

[JamesM]

If you think your husband knows of the affair yet you will keep the secret to keep HIM, then why do you not get the whole thing in the open and unload your guilt and resolve the issues?

 

I am almost certain that you cannot keep this to the day you die, but if you do, do you envision a happy life or a sad life?

 

Do you think there is a good possibility that your husband will forgive you and move on...then there would be no guilt?

[Owl]

Have u seen the Bridges Of Madison County, maybe not a real story but she kept the secret until she died. It happens

 

You're exactly right...it's NOT a real story.

 

It's HOLLYWOOD.

 

And they glamorize the snot out of affairs, as you can see in such a huge number of movies out there about them.

 

Trust me...I would be astounded if your H would find them equally glamorous. I'm sure he wouldn't find YOURS to be glamorous at the very least.

 

The drivel that comes out of Hollywood that makes these things seem so pretty, poignant, etc... honestly just makes me want to lose my lunch.

 

Try being on the receiving end of learning of your spouse's affair to see just how wonderful they are. Better yet, take a look at your own situation.

 

Cheating with your next door neighbor...who has had multiple affairs prior to yours, and shows every sign of having more once you're done. No love there...not sure what you'd use to describe the relationship. Factor in the anger management issues, and the repeated verbal and emotional abuse that it takes to browbeat his wife into tolerating this... Does this sound "Bridges Of Madison County" to you?

 

I'm sorry, but buying into that Hollywood malarky is probably a good bit of what helps a lot of people let themselves INTO this kind of situation.

 

But...note you avoided the fact that you're not telling your H to protect him. You say that you THINK he knows and is turning a blind eye to it. Does that make it alright? Does that change the situation between you and OM/MM at all?

 

Does it do anything to help heal your marriage?

 

How ARE you going to help your marriage to heal? What are you going to do to take RESPONSIBILITY for all of this? How are you going to ever manage to work through this, living right next to the guy you cheated with?

 

And...when does your H actually get a chance to know the full truth?

[forbidden fruit]

You're exactly right...it's NOT a real story.

 

It's HOLLYWOOD.

 

And they glamorize the snot out of affairs, as you can see in such a huge number of movies out there about them.

 

Trust me...I would be astounded if your H would find them equally glamorous. I'm sure he wouldn't find YOURS to be glamorous at the very least.

 

The drivel that comes out of Hollywood that makes these things seem so pretty, poignant, etc... honestly just makes me want to lose my lunch.

 

Try being on the receiving end of learning of your spouse's affair to see just how wonderful they are. Better yet, take a look at your own situation.

 

Cheating with your next door neighbor...who has had multiple affairs prior to yours, and shows every sign of having more once you're done. No love there...not sure what you'd use to describe the relationship. Factor in the anger management issues, and the repeated verbal and emotional abuse that it takes to browbeat his wife into tolerating this... Does this sound "Bridges Of Madison County" to you?

 

I'm sorry, but buying into that Hollywood malarky is probably a good bit of what helps a lot of people let themselves INTO this kind of situation.

 

But...note you avoided the fact that you're not telling your H to protect him. You say that you THINK he knows and is turning a blind eye to it. Does that make it alright? Does that change the situation between you and OM/MM at all?

 

Does it do anything to help heal your marriage?

 

How ARE you going to help your marriage to heal? What are you going to do to take RESPONSIBILITY for all of this? How are you going to ever manage to work through this, living right next to the guy you cheated with?

 

And...when does your H actually get a chance to know the full truth?

 

what do u mean by how I am going to get through this with my xmm living right next door. do u think I will not get passed it? I have no answers for your question because you are 100% right.

 

What good does him knowing the 100% truth so he can divorce me, take my kids and find someone else to mother my children. I know that is what I deserve, but is that what he deserves. So he has the shot to get away from me who in your opinion is the scum of the earth and not fit to be on this planet.

[Owl]

what do u mean by how I am going to get through this with my xmm living right next door. do u think I will not get passed it? I have no answers for your question because you are 100% right.

 

What good does him knowing the 100% truth so he can divorce me, take my kids and find someone else to mother my children. I know that is what I deserve, but is that what he deserves. So he has the shot to get away from me who in your opinion is the scum of the earth and not fit to be on this planet.

 

Not at all...I do not feel that you are "the scum of the earth".

 

I DO feel that you are indulging in some very selfish, self-centered behavior, and that you are completely disregarding anything that doesn't jive with your fantasy of getting away with it.

 

I don't think that you're scum. I think you're a person who has made some bad decisions. I think that you're a person who has the OPPORTUNITY to correct or at least take responsibility for some of those bad choices in front of her...yet is currently clinging to her selfish behavior and refusing to do so.

 

I think you're still "in the affair fog". And because of that, your rational thinking when it has anything to do with this situation is severely compromised.

 

In truth, I have high hopes for you.

 

I hope that, in time, you'll come to TRULY take responsibility for your actions. That you'll put your husband ahead of your own selfish thoughts. I hope that your marriage will SURVIVE this storm, just as mine did.

 

My wife cheated on me. My wife was all set to LEAVE me for another man.

 

My marriage today is GREAT. We dealt with that...and all of the other things that went right along with it.

 

I'm not bitter, not angry at her, or at you.

 

In truth, I'm posting all of this because I want to see you succeed. Just like my marriage succeeded.

 

And I'm convinced that hiding the truth is NOT that path. I've posted on these boards for over four years now. I've seen pretty much every variation on this theme you can think of. I've not seen one single SUCCESSFUL recovery where the affair was kept hidden. Not one...in four years, on multiple boards besides LS.

 

I have, however, seen NUMEROUS instances where one partner INSISTED that recovery was impossible if they told their spouse the truth...who finally DID tell the truth...and found out how wrong they were. I will admit...I've seen some marriages fail when the truth came out. But, since I've also never seen one not fail when the truth didn't come out, I don't see that there was a benefit for the continued lies.

 

You're not the scum of the earth. You are as wonderful a person as any other on this planet. I feel no malice towards you at all.

 

I'm trying to help you to do the right thing...and that, my friend, is my ONLY goal here.

[forbidden fruit]

I wish I could take it all back and I wish i was wise enough to not have fallen for the xmm lies. Everyone saw it except me and I did not listen. i really believed he loved me and that he was going to do the right thing by me. I really thought in this fantasty world that he would leave his wife and I would leave my H and we would be together. How delusional and stupid of me. It could of not been farther from the truth. It happens some people leave their spouses for another, but my xmm and I are too weak and selfish for it to ever happen. I see that now and believe me i see all of the pain and destruction I have done. I am still pondering.

[lkjh]

Every few months you come on here a write bad things about this OM and then you run back to him. This isn't over and you are still putting your H and children behind you and the OM. You can try an fool yourself into believing this is over but it isn't. One day you are going to look back and really regret everything you are doing and yes you are still doing it. divorce your H because you are to selfish and he shouldn't have to waste his life on someone who holds him in such low regard. You are not the only member of your family and you are not the only person in your marriage. Do not decied your H's life for him

[lkjh]

Go over to the infidelity forum and read the new thread about the guy that found out his wife had an affair 15 years later. Thats not a movie its real life. Also, no I don't believe you will get pass this because you have been here before and look where it has gotten you. The OM lives next door to you; you can not avoid him by trying to pretend it never happened.

[bentnotbroken]

Well, I'm going to be brutally honest here.

 

You MIGHT 'get lucky' and keep this secret until the day you die. If you do, you'll almost certainly keep that terribly guilty feeling with you all that time as well. Just remember...you have no right to feel like a martyr for doing so either...because you are NOT doing so for him. You are doing so for YOU.

 

At the end of the day, recognize that this isn't about protecting your husband from your bad choices. If that was your ideal and goal, of course the affair never would have happened.

 

This is about protecting YOURSELF from the bad choices. This prevents you from having to accept the RESPONSIBILITY for those actions...it keeps you from being accountable for them and the damage done because of them.

 

There's nothing noble in this, nothing 'self-sacrificing'. He won't thank you for letting him live the rest of his marriage with you as a complete sham and total lie.

 

The truth is...he'll be even MORE hurt and angry for making him live that lie.

 

I've seen it more times than I can count on this site and others.

 

And the reason I think this will come out? Simple...the vast majority of these things DO resurface in some fashion or another. Your OM/MM starts acting out angrily...and his wife senses the change and starts snooping to find out why. Someone else completely notice that the two of you are both acting out of character...and decides to ask your H about it. Your H notices a change in your behavior, and starts putting things together. His wife catches him cheating next year with someone else, confronts him, and gets the FULL truth from him as he fights to save his marriage...so he throws you under the bus. Heck...10 years from now, a chance remark about OM/MM snaps a light on in your H's mind and he asks you directly and bluntly about what went on, and you don't have a story prepared.

 

But hey...what do I know? I've not read hundreds of stories along these same lines...not provided advice to tons of posters here and on other forums, and seen how things worked out in their cases.

 

Good luck. If you manage to pull this off, and the affair remains ended and he still doesn't know about it even one year from now, please, come back and post here on the forum to prove me wrong. I will be the FIRST to eat crow.

 

 

Well said. It is all for her benefit. It has nothing to do with her H or her children. It is her way of avoiding the consequences. But when it hits the fan, she will remember the advice she was given for months......and avoided it.

[bentnotbroken]

Even if she were to take here secret to her grave, why should her husband have to hear about it and not have his closure or his right to choose. You made all the decisions for him, that's wrong and you know it. If you were in his shoes would you want him making all of your life choices for you. You treat him like an idiot.

[JamesM]

Even if she were to take her secret to her grave, why should her husband have to hear about it and not have his closure or his right to choose. You made all the decisions for him, that's wrong and you know it. If you were in his shoes would you want him making all of your life choices for you. You treat him like an idiot.

 

This refrain echoes what has been said for many months. I doubt FF will see this as the way to go now after so many times of refusing to tell her husband.

 

While I agree with you, I don't think she will.

[bentnotbroken]

This refrain echoes what has been said for many months. I doubt FF will see this as the way to go now after so many times of refusing to tell her husband.

 

While I agree with you, I don't think she will.

 

 

Neither do I.

[forbidden fruit]

Why cannot avoid xmm and pretend it never happened. He will do the same. I have seen neighbor who lived by each other for years never even talk except to say hi. I know I am like the sheep who cried wolf, but I have made a decision to never have any contact with him no matter what he says or does. I know it is hard to believe me after I have always gone back to him.

[forbidden fruit]

I am not treating him like a idiot, but I think I know my H more than u. He knows the truth and in his own way he is trying to forgive me. Our marriage has come along way from where it was a year ago. I was ready to leave and he was scared. We have worked so just to get to here. Why would I ruin that?

[JamesM]

While you think he knows and he thinks he knows, neither of you really know what the other knows.

 

He may think something is up, but you are afraid to tell him all that has happened...and he is afraid to ask. He may really not know all that has happened, and is content to stay with that, because he is afraid of what the reality is. You on the other hand, do not want to tell him everything, because you also hope he does not know everything, and you do not want to confront it.

 

Both of you will continue your marriage with this between you. Both will hope that it will not be a problem. Yet both of you have never confronted this issue that has split you and therefore no matter what you do, it will keep a crack between you for the rest of your marriage.

 

Just my opinion.

[lkjh]

Why cannot avoid xmm and pretend it never happened. He will do the same. I have seen neighbor who lived by each other for years never even talk except to say hi. I know I am like the sheep who cried wolf, but I have made a decision to never have any contact with him no matter what he says or does. I know it is hard to believe me after I have always gone back to him.

 

Did you sleep with the other neighbor? Is the other neighbors children friends with yours? Do your families hang out the way yours do? You always run in circles. No your H is not trying to forgive you because he doesn't know for sure and he is just hoping for the best. Why ask for advice if you are just going to do the same thing you always do? Yes you are treating your H like an idiot, fool, and moron; especially if you feel he may suspect something.

 

Einstein define insanity as: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe it is time to put someone else first other than you and the OM. You