One step forward two steps back

[forbidden fruit]

Who all of those who remeber my story, it is till ongoing. Letting go has been the hardest thing about this 3 yr ongoing affair. I am married and so is he and we are neighbors, need i say more. I have been in and out of N.C for the last 4 months since my last post. We fight I go N.C. and then we try to be friends and I always revert back to N.C. because I cannot handle it.

We meet to talk about our situation, but nothing more. There has been nothing physical in at least a year. We continue this song and dance because neither of us can let go. Everytime I make good progress he steps back into my life and then we meet, try friends for a week and then I end up not being able to handle it and we are back not talking.

 

The last meeting was yesterday and he says all of his b.s. of not being able to leave becasue he does not want to hurt the kids and that he feels like he is stealing me from my family. He keeps asking me what I want!!

 

He wants to be friends with me for right now, but says things will change when his kids get older. He says being in each others lives is better than not. What is weird is I always tell him I will not meet him and then he says all the right things and I give him the benefit of the doubt. However by the end of the convo it somehow gets turned around and I am taking the crumbs he gives me. He says he wants to be friends and nothing sexual because he cannot handle the guilt. He keeps saying I want sex, and it is me. I however have never said I wanted that. I always said I wanted more. I am so brainwashed. He says he does not want me to hurt and if I cannot handle the friendship thing he will accept me not talking to him.

 

Maybe I have answered my own question. I went to his house for a party and I was doing okay with the help of some alcohol, until his wife tells me they were leaving for a couple of days. Something he forget to tell me, so I left in a hurry. He saw me leave without saying goodbye and called me right away to ask what happened and to apologize for whatever made me so mad.

 

What do u all think?Should I believe him when he says he just wants to be friend nothing more? Is it possible to go back to the way it was us as friend before the A started. Am I being immature and not seeing the big picture? I keep doubting myself that maybe NC is not the be all to end all? He says he does not want to destroy two families, does anyone beleive that? Help!!

[bentnotbroken]

Is your H still in dark about your R with this prick? Has he been given a choice to make any decisions for himself yet? Or is he still oblivious to the disrespect that is being heaped on him behind his back?

[whichwayisup]

FF, I was just thinking about you the other day..Wondering how you were.

 

Well, hate to say it, but it seems like it's the same old song and dance between you and MM neighbour. Nothing really has changed except you two aren't fooling around anymore, but you both are in the same place as before.

 

Basically this will continue until you IGNORE him completely and cut him out of your life.

 

Let me ask, what are you getting out of the friendship with him? In all honesty, what does the man do for you, except maybe feed some feelings that are still there? Because what I see is a pointless friendship that at the end of the day means nothing (hense him still going away with his wife and not telling you) and it seems you both are STILL caught up in the fantasy of "what if's.."

 

It's time to end this with him and cut him out of your routine in everyway. Neither of you want to divorce and start over with eachother, hense why neither of you have told your spouses.

 

This is all one big game, and it'll stop when you stop playing.

[bentnotbroken]

FF, I was just thinking about you the other day..Wondering how you were.

 

Well, hate to say it, but it seems like it's the same old song and dance between you and MM neighbour. Nothing really has changed except you two aren't fooling around anymore, but you both are in the same place as before.

 

Basically this will continue until you IGNORE him completely and cut him out of your life.

 

Let me ask, what are you getting out of the friendship with him? In all honesty, what does the man do for you, except maybe feed some feelings that are still there? Because what I see is a pointless friendship that at the end of the day means nothing (hense him still going away with his wife and not telling you) and it seems you both are STILL caught up in the fantasy of "what if's.."

 

It's time to end this with him and cut him out of your routine in everyway. Neither of you want to divorce and start over with eachother, hense why neither of you have told your spouses.

 

This is all one big game, and it'll stop when you stop playing.

 

 

Exactly. She still holds all the cards.

[forbidden fruit]

I guess I am a weak person when it comes to him for some reason. I go one month of total nc and then some incident with the kids or something else wll open the door for him and he will come in all the while saying this is what I wanted. Is it possible for me to rise above, be mature and handle the contact?

[whichwayisup]

What is it about the contact you can't handle? Because if you stay in control of your feelings and stop letting him manipulate you, maybe the neighbourly thing can work, but I don't see why in the heck you'd want to continue being this mans friend. He's scum and not a friend.

 

You still have feelings for him, yes? If so, then NO friendship can happen. If you have NO feelings for him, then who cares what he thinks or feels? Why let him get into your head and heart?

[forbidden fruit]

Obviously I still have alot of feeling for him or I would not keep meeting him.What does he want from me? By the way how are u?

[jwi71]

1) You aren't even remotely close to NC so stop kidding yourself. You will never go NC as long as you are neighbors.

2) No, you cannot just be friends. Its been one year since you slept with him and these feelings haven't abated. Nor will they. See the above.

3) I bet you have heard the MC bit before, but just in case - go. Not sure it will help, but maybe.

4) You want to truly end it with your MM - tell your H. Or tell his W. Pick one, but do tell.

 

You will probably b*tch and moan about how you cannot. Fair enough - its understandable. But if you truly want change - you have to change. And NC for you two isn't a reality being neighbors. So - what changes can you affect?

 

1) Move. Good luck explaining that to your family.

2) Convince your MM to move.

3) Divorce your H.

4) Convince your MM to divorce his W - or tell his W of your affair.

5) Continue as is. Suffer. Be miserable. Post here on LS but since you change nothing; nothing changes. Go figure.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Obviously I still have alot of feeling for him or I would not keep meeting him.What does he want from me? By the way how are u?

 

You have feelings for him, but why? What is it about him that you actually like? Or is it just you like how he makes you feel in the moment?

 

I'm doing good! Thanks for asking.

[whichwayisup]

FF, where does your husband fit into all this? How are things at home?

[JamesM]

FF, where does your husband fit into all this? How are things at home?

 

She won't tell her husband, so that is a dead end.

 

And the NC will never be NC until the MM moves away or she tells her husband, because for now, it is a secret affair and can then be turned on and off as desired.

 

The solution is complete disclosure. This will end everything, and that may actually NOT be desired.

[forbidden fruit]

I like the way he makes me feel period when I am with him. When I am not with him that is a different story. My H and i were doing tons better until mm and I met. I really can't say what it is about the mm that makes me feel like a teenager in love for the first time. All I know that feeling is very addictive. I am sure it is the same for him and that is why neither of us can let go because we are both addicted.

[jwi71]

She won't tell her husband, so that is a dead end.

 

And the NC will never be NC until the MM moves away or she tells her husband, because for now, it is a secret affair and can then be turned on and off as desired.

 

The solution is complete disclosure. This will end everything, and that may actually NOT be desired.

 

Then there is no change. Her life will continue as is. She is caught in a self-perpetuating cycle of grief and self-destruction.

 

This doesn't end well regardless - she only delays the inevitable. And that is so sad.

[forbidden fruit]

what is the inevitable? So are u sayng I can turn on and off the affair or he can. He says e wants to be just friends nothing sexual because of the guilt. Do u think if I said let's sleep together all of that so called martyrdom would go out the window?

[whichwayisup]

She won't tell her husband, so that is a dead end

 

I meant how are things now between her and her husband..

 

I like the way he makes me feel period when I am with him. When I am not with him that is a different story. My H and i were doing tons better until mm and I met. I really can't say what it is about the mm that makes me feel like a teenager in love for the first time. All I know that feeling is very addictive. I am sure it is the same for him and that is why neither of us can let go because we are both addicted.

 

OK, you like how he makes you feel. What else? Is he loving and supportive towards you? Does he respect you as a real friend? Does he look out for what's best for you, put you first above his own needs? Does he listen to you, and I mean "hear" what you're saying?

 

Because what I see is a man who loves the attention, who is caught up in a fantasy, just like you are, and it's a very self serving and selfish friendship you two have. It involves noone else and it's ALL based on "how you two feel."

 

What about your kids? His kids? Could you actually picture yourself married to him one day? Being step mom to his kids, and him being step dad to your children?

 

It isn't LOVE, it's lust and definately an addiction and you've both become eachother's habits. Bad habits.

 

What do you want out of this with him?

[whichwayisup]

what is the inevitable? So are u sayng I can turn on and off the affair or he can. He says e wants to be just friends nothing sexual because of the guilt. Do u think if I said let's sleep together all of that so called martyrdom would go out the window?

 

 

Yes. You both can turn it on and off whenever you feel like it, it's just that you both ENJOY the fantasy part waaay too much.

 

And being friends just keeps the flame going, the emotional side of the A alive.

 

If you two slept together, nothing would change. YOu'd both be hot/cold with one another.

[jwi71]

what is the inevitable? So are u sayng I can turn on and off the affair or he can. He says e wants to be just friends nothing sexual because of the guilt. Do u think if I said let's sleep together all of that so called martyrdom would go out the window?

 

He can. (And i seriously doubt his ability to say "no").

You cannot.

 

How does this end? One of two ways:

1) you get caught.

2) you live in misery.

 

I think number one is far more likely to happen. Neither is good.

 

Martyrdom? Interesting choice of words. And yes, I think he is playing you. I think if you "offer sex" he accepts. Then he says "You came on to me blah blah blah". See how that works? No matter what you lose. You offer sex you're right back where you started. You don't - you are where you're at now. Both of which are bad.

 

And the best thing you can possibly do is move then go to MC. If you will not move, the its time to come clean. In fact, even if you do move its time to come clean.

 

You are in a very bad spot that get no better unless there is change. So make a change....

[Owl]

FF, frankly if you will not tell your husband...then you need to just plan on continuing the affair. PERIOD.

 

Because as you've already found out...living next to this guy prevents NC...which prevents any type of recovery.

 

You have no hope of improvement in your marriage or your affair as long as you keep doing the same thing over and over.

 

Just accept things as they are.

 

Or...do something to REALLY force a change...one way or another.

 

Either tell your husband, or file for divorce.

 

Anything less leaves you right where you've been for the last year or more.

[jj33]

Not doing NC totally does not have to prevent recovery.

 

At a certain point, getting over someone is a choice. Just like its a choice to stop eating french fries. Everyone else at the table is eating them, you love them, they smell so good and would be great with that steak or whatever you are eating but you dont.

 

At a certain point you decide that enough is enough and you dont want to pine, you dont want to long you dont want the deception you dont want the lies and the secrecey and you are done. You switch off.

 

What you do need to do is figure out why you are seeking to get these needs met outside of your marriage. And figure out if they can be met in your marriage and if not if they are deal breakers. Then and only then will the desire to be with this other person lessen.

 

Because NC is fine but if the underlying cause is still present, then if its not the neighbor it could and will eventually be someone else.

 

The best way to figure out how to get your needs met is to come clean to your husband but at a minimum to discuss your deep dissatisfaction with him. And there must be deep dissatisfaction in some area of your marriage or you wouldnt be with the neighbor.

 

Interestingly you dont mention your H AT ALL? You sound like a single girl in love with a married man. So the answer lies within not with what is going on with the neighbor.

[Owl]

Not doing NC totally does not have to prevent recovery

 

Sorry JJ, but here we're going to totally disagree.

 

Absolutely, unequivocably this DOES prevent recovery.

 

Completely and utterly.

 

100%.

 

Without NC...she's going to remain addicted...and this last year has proven that to her very well.

 

And she can't go NC without telling her H, and working out a move away from this neighbor.

[jj33]

Well then I am an exception because I am as over MM as I would be if I wasnt in touch with him at all. Sometimes I think about the past etc but people do that with past relationships when they arent with someone else.

 

I think we will have to agree to disagree on that. In my view she isnt over him because she isnt addressing the underlying issues.

[Owl]

Well then I am an exception because I am as over MM as I would be if I wasnt in touch with him at all. Sometimes I think about the past etc but people do that with past relationships when they arent with someone else.

 

I think we will have to agree to disagree on that. In my view she isnt over him because she isnt addressing the underlying issues.

 

Well, we kinda agree in a way too.

 

Because I agree...she needs to address the underlying issues.

 

BUT...her affair BECAME PART OF THOSE UNDERLYING ISSUES.

 

The affair itself is both symptom AND cause of issues.

 

She can't address the underlying issues while the affair is still going on. She can't address those issues without telling her husband the truth...and you know that once he's aware, he's going to INSIST on NC...which is another key reason why she's refused to discuss it with him.

 

She needs to END THE AFFAIR...which means NC...AND work on the pre-existing problems as well.

 

But she's got to do BOTH...or she's doomed to stay right where she's at.

[lkjh]

I feel so sorry for your H. I remember your post and I can not figure out how you can have such little respect for him. You do see how badly you are betraying your H and kids with this selfishness. He does not want friendship he wants action on the side. You already went over this 100 time and you continue to make the worst decisions. Why don't you just divorce your H because lets be honest, you are not marriage material. All of your old post where about how this guy manipulates you and pretends to be friends with your H and yet you still let him do this. You even let him use your kids as a reason to carry this on. Let your H finds someone worth investing time and love with.

[jj33]

Oh Owl we do agree. With a neighbor NC would mean no uneccesary contact - no borrowing sugar no asking for help with the snow, no inviting them for drinks etc.

 

You cant be out and out rude in front of other people but you dont text you dont email you dont phone you dont stand in the yard and chit chat and you DO tell your H.

[Owl]

Oh Owl we do agree. With a neighbor NC would mean no uneccesary contact - no borrowing sugar no asking for help with the snow, no inviting them for drinks etc.

 

You cant be out and out rude in front of other people but you dont text you dont email you dont phone you dont stand in the yard and chit chat and you DO tell your H.

 

But here's the problem...

 

...affairs are ADDICTIVE.

 

And her "fix" is just next door. And THAT is why she's been completely unable to "get over" him. And the same on his side.

 

They also create a sweet little viscious circle effect too. You see...someone starts an affair because they're unappy with aspects of their marriage. The affair fills those "needs" that they felt weren't being filled in the marriage. But then as the affair goes on, they get more of those needs filled from the other person...and that starts creating problems in the marriage. They emotionally withdraw from their spouse. And men especially tend to not know what to do and withdraw from the cheating spouse...no knowing the source of the problem.

 

Now the marriage is in a WORSE state...and that makes the affair seem that much BETTER than the marriage.

 

In the OP's situation here, she's flat STUCK at where she's been for the last year due to INACTION.

 

She refuses to tell her husband. That prevents her from going NC...because her husband doesn't know of the problem, and is apparently (and in ignorance of the situation) a main cause of contact, since he's FRIENDS with this neighbor.

 

If she told her husband...that would ensure NC as an outcome.

 

He'd insist on moving, or taking some kind of action to enforce NC.

 

OR...he'd divorce her...freeing her up to be with her neighbor.

 

But its because she refuses to take action...she's stuck right where she's at.

 

Nothing will improve in the marriage...because the affair is quietly undermining it the whole time. Nothing will improve in the affair...because at the end of it all, there's no INTENT to take anything further than it is on her OM's part.

 

She's miserable...her husband is being played as a fool...and the reality is that this is STILL going to come out someway somehow.

 

If you want something to change...change something.