Author Humbleman Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 What was it that caused the drinking binge? Personal, job related? A mixture of things that sparked a period of time where I deeply self loathed myself. Several people throughout high school disliked my personality and made it their aim to try and belittle me, to try and repress me for who I am and this continued into my adult life and still does, I’ve only been considered by society for around eight years and already I have had to battle my way against people who self loathe themselves, hate themselves, have no confidence or self love and therefore try and trap me into their own pit of self wallowing. The mixture was family, friends, women, work and just about every aspect of life where human contact was involved. Why do you wish to know?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Do you believe that the personality issues you have now started during your experience in High School? have had to battle my way against people who self loathe themselves, hate themselves, have no confidence or self love and therefore try and trap me into their own pit of self wallowing. Are these people who depend on you for something? My interest is purely clinical.
Author Humbleman Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Do you believe that the personality issues you have now started during your experience in High School? have had to battle my way against people who self loathe themselves, hate themselves, have no confidence or self love and therefore try and trap me into their own pit of self wallowing. Are these people who depend on you for something? My interest is purely clinical. I’ve always had confidence in myself, I’ve always liked myself, but I have always been fragile and this became more apparent as I made the transition from teenager to young adult. You meet lots of people who have personal problems and self loathe themselves, they hate themselves and wish to be that man on the billboard, but I have always seen myself as being superior to man on the billboard, because he has paid thousands of dollars to look like he does and air-brushing can even make the most vile looking human beings look a million dollars. Not necessarily, one family member is like that, he hates the fact I went to University abroad, he hates the fact I have a degree in Business finance and law. He hates the fact I am confident in myself, he sees me as being an individual who is arrogant, facetious, conceited and someone who indulges in snobbery. A few friends of mine where typical depressing teenagers, almost Goth like, they couldn’t stand the fact that someone could like themselves as much as me and set about putting me down, pulling me down and it worked, of course women used to find me arrogant and repulsive after they got to know me, but maybe they couldn’t handle me? I don’t know.
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 women used to find me arrogant and repulsive after they got to know me, but maybe they couldn’t handle me? I don’t know. No it's that being with someone with npd is the most draining thing a person can be put through. It's on a voluntary basis so it's a choice they've made. I think it's half and half. They are angry with you and angry with themselves for getting involved in the first place. That's why everyone tries hard to distance themselves from npd's. Npd's literally suck the spirit right out of you. People don't realize what goes through their head most times. And it's hard to care about someone who is unwilling and/or unable to care about themselves enough to care about you. It's frustrating. Because one day they are madly in love with you and the next day they hate you. Not only that but they really just only think of themselves. They can't ever place themselves in another person's shoes.
Author Humbleman Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 I find your post highly upsetting, it's also untruthful.
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Why do you find her post upsetting? If you think it's untruthful, why get upset by what someone says on a public forum? Seems to me, she's touched a sore spot with you, even if you don't want to admit that..
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I find your post highly upsetting, it's also untruthful. If you aren't npd then why should what I say bother you? I am being honest. I was married to a guy with npd for nine years. So it's my honest observation. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I was just trying to shed some light on what it's like being close to someone with npd. If you aren't npd then you have no worries but if you are npd at least now maybe you can see what the other person goes through.
kizik Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Humbleman, it scares the crap out of me to know that there are people like you out there. Me ex girlfriend was/is narcissistic so it's still a pretty fresh wound. Why are you here? You are quite defensive and don't really seem to want advice. Maybe you should take your good-looking self and go prey on some women, leave the nice, down-to-earth people on this site alone.
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 No, it's good for for him to come here and post - Atleast he's being active. Posting about NPD and starting counselling. And, maybe his posts could help someone else.
Author Humbleman Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 I had my first therapy session, it was an introduction to a series of sessions that will lead on to a group session where I will meet and talk with other NPD sufferers. It's established from what I shared with my therapist that I have a good chance of leading a normal life if I can keep on improving.
amaysngrace Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 It's established from what I shared with my therapist that I have a good chance of leading a normal life if I can keep on improving. Very good for you!
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 This is my thought on therapy - What you put into it, is what you get out of it. Stick with it and don't give up, even if it gets too difficult..
Author Humbleman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 It's a impenetrable task, but slowly I am learning to show a bit more empathy. He's using a lot of reverse psychology to infiltrate and alter my thought patterns and channel them into a more positive and well rounded self image. I have a group meeting with several other NPD sufferers next Monday. My therapists hopes that by observing other known sufferers with the illness that I will be able to gain some idea of how my actions affect others.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 I have a group meeting with several other NPD sufferers next Monday. OOOO! A party!!!:bunny: Your therapist does group meetings with NPD's???? He's one brave man! My guess is that you will not be able to relate to those loosers.
Author Humbleman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 It's a common method of therapy, it is like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. My therapist won't be present in the meeting, the group is run by mental health activists in my neighborhood. I find your post highly insulting and it has hurt my feelings. You are effectively calling me a loser.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 no, no,no. Sorry, didn't mean to insult. It was humor on my part, which helps me to deal with the NPD'r in my life! I also didn't call you a loser, just predicted that you would think that of them. I was unaware that group therapy was used for NPD's, Infact, I've read it is contraindicated. Spent alot of time sitting in on GT with other personality DO's, mainly borderline, and its not only draining but a 3 ring circle.
Author Humbleman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 Many of the NPD treatments are also used on people with borderline personality disorder; however there is no use for me to attend a class with people who do not have the same illness as I do. A majority of my therapy is with my therapist in one to one sessions. There is more information here: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx36t.htm#Head_2, if you care to read about it.
Author Humbleman Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 I think I felt something for someone on Friday, something I have never felt before. A friendly co-worker came into work as usual on Friday morning and upon enterance to our office she broke down and was in floods of tears. I didn't notice at first, as I was on the telephone to our manager because I had misplaced an invoice for a client, but the hysteria soon became all too noticable and I could no longer block it out and I cut short the telephone conversation and observed what was happening. The co-worker was in a heap on the floor being comforted by fellow co-workers. I did nothing, but sit and watch the event unfold. Seeing someone in a state of distress was disturbing and ruined my day, at first I thought this co-worker was being melodramatic and cursed their name all morning for ruining the atmosphere in the work place, as if it wasn't bad enough already? She became a victim of co-worker gossips, a bunch of degenerates made it a topic of discussion to amuse and feed their miserable lives and when I asked one of these degenerates what was this girls problem? I sarcastically and bluntly said "Did her boyfriend cheat or something?" the person replied "Actually no, her Mum passed away last night and she had a strong emotiobal bond with her mother". I was stunned at first, because I came across as an insensitive person. So the clock was ticking and my hands were typing letters for various departments, I began to think about this co-worker and for the first time in my life, I actually felt some sorrow for her. I also felt sorrow for myself too. The reason I felt sorrow for her is because it reinforced my feeling that emotional attachment is a burden, but I also felt sorrow for her, because the emotional heartache she portrayed was distressing, it wasn't a plesantry. But I also felt sorrow for myself, because compared to this co-worker I seemed emotionally detached, emotionally lost, emotionally cold and sub-human. I also began to wonder what it would be like to have a close relationship with my parents. I don't know what it was that I felt, but I have never felt this way before, not even when my relatives passed away or when my best friend left for pastures new. It was a terrifying experience and I don't want to feel that again, I would like to know what it was though.
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Definately share this your next therapy session. In all honesty, I DO believe somewhere deep down inside you, there are those intimate feelings of caring for someone, enough to let them close enough to you, but you're too terrified to feel anything as you need to stay in control of your feelings at all times. Could be why you reacted so strongly at first and how you thought this woman ruined the atmosphere at work, feeling abit of compassion and noticing her pain woke something up inside of you. I hope too, you see this as a positive thing, not a negative thing.
Author Humbleman Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 I will share it with my therapist in my upcoming session. You're reply has left me in a state of confusion. I reacted in the way I did, because I have never reacted this way and I saw it as melodramatic to a disturbing level. And it did ruin my day, it left me feeling disstressed and irritated that someone would bring their problems into the work place with them. I'm not sure what to make of this, but witnessing someone in the state she was in is not something I think I can handle seeing again.
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 And it did ruin my day, it left me feeling disstressed and irritated that someone would bring their problems into the work place with them See, with most people, yes it would ruin their day, but at the same time, alot of sympathy and empathy would come into play - With you, it is/was anger and resentment that this woman had the nerve to show up to work emotional (though her boss should've sent her home immediately) where as most wouldn't be resentful. I can understand the irritation but some people are full of drama and some DO bring their problems into work - That's just how it goes sometimes and it's up to you to not let that stuff bother you and ruin your day. Hey, confusion is good because it means that you're thinking. but witnessing someone in the state she was in is not something I think I can handle seeing again. Life is messy and sh*t happens. I witnessed an awful car accident this summer and the woman died immediately in the middle of the road after being hit by a car. Now THAT is something I never ever want to see or experience again.
Author Humbleman Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 The resentment feeling was on initial exposure to the event I foresaw, when I got over the initial shock of it all, I did feel sorrow for this co-worker, because she was clearly in emotional pain and the manager of our department did send her home once he came into work. I'm struggling to grasp the concept of feeling for someone if all it does is bring your mood down? If life is messy then why add more mess to your life? This is what I don't understand? Why is it scary to care for someone, if caring for someone is seen as a noble characteristic of human nature? But one thing I did feel was slightly more normal than usual, I felt a bit more human, so I'm taking this into my therapy session too along with my confusion and questions.
Explorer Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I'm struggling to grasp the concept of feeling for someone if all it does is bring your mood down? "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make" - The Beatles
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