LSers that whine after a day or so of NC

[carhill]

I respectfully disagree with you on this one. I was almost three months NC, while I was doing much better, I was not healed and fully over it.

 

That also takes into account individuals mileage varies depending on certain things. You are painting with a broad brush saying it should take 2 months. It takes a s long as it takes.

 

In my experience, Therapy is paying someone to point out things you need to correct yourself. Now I am not against therapy in all life's situations, just do not consider it an option for me! Hell, I know what the problem is.

No worries. Took me 60 days to resolve feelings for someone I was in love with for 23 years. YM may definitely vary. Just like other professionals I hire, like lawyers and doctors, I firmly believe psychological professionals add to the breadth of my understanding of myself and life. Again YMMV. Caring for a dementia patient opened my eyes to a lot of things. Hope you never have that experience

 

Do the work, make it your job #1 and I'll guarantee you can get rid of the chemical addiction part in 60 days or less. Contact will cause relapses, but they lessen in duration over time. Any contact. Even reading a text or seeing their name. I used total NC. Active thought suppression. Do it

[ioncebelieved]

how'd you break NC. and whatd she do?

 

I simply called her. We spoke for 25 minutes and I just told her my feelings were still the same and that I miss her friendship mostly. At first, she did not recognize my voice (which hurt badly enough) then after a few more words she knew it was me. I asked her does it bother her me calling and she replied, "It surprises me."

 

Then I asked does she think of me and then I tried to get her to meet me (it was LDR). She said she couldn't right now which I takes means NEVER.

 

All in all, it was stupid for me to break NC, but I felt so strongly about I did. I thought about driving all the way up to drop in on her and My man Northstar on here talked me into calling her first instead of driving so far.

 

I reached out for the last time and I know now, never contact her again and if she contacts me then fine.

[ioncebelieved]

No worries. Took me 60 days to resolve feelings for someone I was in love with for 23 years. YM may definitely vary. Just like other professionals I hire, like lawyers and doctors, I firmly believe psychological professionals add to the breadth of my understanding of myself and life. Again YMMV. Caring for a dementia patient opened my eyes to a lot of things. Hope you never have that experience

 

Do the work, make it your job #1 and I'll guarantee you can get rid of the chemical addiction part in 60 days or less. Contact will cause relapses, but they lessen in duration over time. Any contact. Even reading a text or seeing their name. I used total NC. Active thought suppression. Do it

Thanks man! My mileage varying sucks!!! One day, I will get better mileage... that I know!

[Peter_pan]

ah sorry to hear the contact turned sour. i respect you for trying, you put your ass on the line again. but you know it seems like thats that kind of thing, maybe you can move on faster? at least you no 100% ball is in her court so to speak

 

i decided i would very much like to be back with my ex as nothing went wrong between us like cheating, we just needed space and growing time etc. so if i wanted to pursue her, do i keep myself in the picture somehow? do i contact her or is mearly keeping her bro and sisters msn and sharing a mutual friend enough?

 

it would mean neither of us would completely disappear off the face of the planet i guess?

[carhill]

Thanks man! My mileage varying sucks!!! One day, I will get better mileage... that I know!

 

Oh, just so you know, she and I have contact now and I find the discourse and feelings to be much healthier than they were only 4 months ago. No relapses at all. No fear; no anger; no jealousy. This was someone who instantly recognized my handwriting and my voice (and I hers) after 14 years of NC, so it's not like we hate each other. We don't. Far from it. The latest NC was to clarify my perspective, and that was what the psychologist helped me with. Love has many nuances and layers and finding the appropriate mix fosters a healthier relationship, in our case friendship. Hope it works out for you.

[ioncebelieved]

ah sorry to hear the contact turned sour. i respect you for trying, you put your ass on the line again. but you know it seems like thats that kind of thing, maybe you can move on faster? at least you no 100% ball is in her court so to speak

 

i decided i would very much like to be back with my ex as nothing went wrong between us like cheating, we just needed space and growing time etc. so if i wanted to pursue her, do i keep myself in the picture somehow? do i contact her or is mearly keeping her bro and sisters msn and sharing a mutual friend enough?

 

it would mean neither of us would completely disappear off the face of the planet i guess?

 

Only thing I am left with is see my signature under my posts. It still is true as it ever was when I made it. Now I only have the meant to be theory left. I always hated hearing if it is meant to be it will be. Hard to accept that when you hurt. Peter, just think everything out before you break your contact.

[Peter_pan]

Not at all mate. You are in pain - we've all been there, or are there.

Her not contacting you, she may be concerned about your feelings and knows that contacting you, when she is not looking to get back, will just be hard.

 

i do hope she feels that way, although it makes me sad cause its like im to immature to handle it and she is above me on some level of understanding and that hurts thanks for support. its unreal !

 

Only thing I am left with is see my signature under my posts. It still is true as it ever was when I made it. Now I only have the meant to be theory left. I always hated hearing if it is meant to be it will be. Hard to accept that when you hurt. Peter, just think everything out before you break your contact.

 

thanks mate. well I know contact would probably be the wrong thing but i am trying to work out a way in which i can carry out what i wrote in the post before this

 

 

 

@carhill: 14 years NC.................. argh!!!

[CaliGuy]

I sincerely hope you're mistaken, or I'll be on Social Security before I'm done

 

Seriously, with total NC, it shouldn't take more than a couple of months to de-tox. What remains, if any, are psychological issues which can be resolved through introspection and/or therapy. Therapy has really helped me in that regard, not so much ridding me of feelings, but rather clarifying them and helping me put a construct to the former chaos

 

Yep. Carhill hit the button on the nose. To wean yourself off someone takes as much time as YOU need. It varies depending on the persons own ability to pick themselves up by the boostraps and be determined to move on.

 

It starts at acceptance. Once you accept that it's done and over with the REAL healing begins.

[ate_the_paint]

I have to disagree with calling people who are in the early stages of NC and are hurting "losers". Also I wouldn't say that they are whining. Heck, I was there six months ago and it was in part because of LS that I got through it.

 

The OP is right: it can be hard months down the road but at least there's usually some more clarity of thought. All that emotional turmoil settles after a short while. A pain in the chest still lingers around.

 

The fact is that (and this if from my experience only...I don't know about others) even after six months of NC there are good days and bad days, great days and horrible ones. There are moments of divine inspiration and determination and then there are those moments when you feel like your life has hit rock bottom. Some days you forget about your ex completely and then some evenings you sit alone and think about them for hours. Sometimes a new love interest crosses your path and you feel foolish for even hurting after your breakup, and then later on you pine for your lost love all over again.

 

As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter what stage of NC you are in; if you have something to get off your mind then post it on LS. Nobody here, in my book, is a loser.

[carhill]

@carhill: 14 years NC.................. argh!!!

 

To clarify, I didn't call it that back then (early 90's); I just knew I had to stop all contact to save myself. It took me 3 years before I could date with any energy at all, mostly due to depression. So, I understand the dark side. My problem back then was I didn't get the psych help I needed to resolve the psych issues and I didn't have the introspection tools I have now. I instead diverted the emotions into volunteerism and exercise, but never really resolved them.

 

My situation is not the norm and very complex. If it were a simple "F you, I'm outta here" breakup, it would've been a lot easier.

 

So, today, as I write this, I can say that things are peaceful, but the connection is always there, running in the background. I just accept it for what it is and don't attach present-day emotional value to it. It's taken a lot of years to learn how to do that.

 

For each person there is a unique path. Some are harder than others. All are worthwhile

[ate_the_paint]

For each person there is a unique path. Some are harder than others. All are worthwhile

 

Carhill, as usual, you are right. It just occured to me that you are a veteran in these matters, which is probably why I always enjoy reading your posts.

[ioncebelieved]

I have to disagree with calling people who are in the early stages of NC and are hurting "losers". Also I wouldn't say that they are whining. Heck, I was there six months ago and it was in part because of LS that I got through it.

 

The OP is right: it can be hard months down the road but at least there's usually some more clarity of thought. All that emotional turmoil settles after a short while. A pain in the chest still lingers around.

 

The fact is that (and this if from my experience only...I don't know about others) even after six months of NC there are good days and bad days, great days and horrible ones. There are moments of divine inspiration and determination and then there are those moments when you feel like your life has hit rock bottom. Some days you forget about your ex completely and then some evenings you sit alone and think about them for hours. Sometimes a new love interest crosses your path and you feel foolish for even hurting after your breakup, and then later on you pine for your lost love all over again.

 

As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter what stage of NC you are in; if you have something to get off your mind then post it on LS. Nobody here, in my book, is a loser.

uhhh pardon me!!! LSers, is not losers it is short for LoveShackers.

 

I have been in enough pain and know what it is like. Get it right before you start getting silly. Would it not be stupid for me to bash folks blatantly on here when I have found comfort and provided the same? Next time before assume anything, make sure you know what you are speaking of. I take offense to your post because I would never call anyone hurting because of a broken heart a loser and I am positive my story rivals anyone else's here.

[Geishawhelk]

....Actually, I can see how easy it is to misinterpret it, and make the mistake. I thought initially it meant 'Losers' too...

 

maybe it should read "L.S'ers" .....

[ioncebelieved]

....Actually, I can see how easy it is to misinterpret it, and make the mistake. I thought initially it meant 'Losers' too...

 

maybe it should read "L.S'ers" .....

 

Yeah I can see that, but at least ask before you try and make some out to be an a$$.

[ate_the_paint]

Yeah I can see that, but at least ask before you try and make some out to be an a$$.

 

I humbly apologize. In no way was my intent to make anyone seem like an a$$. Anyways, back to the original discussion...

[ioncebelieved]

I humbly apologize. In no way was my intent to make anyone seem like an a$$. Anyways, back to the original discussion...

 

I humbly accept your apology and thank you for giving one. That always goes a long way with me. Now back to helping each other.

[foxh1234]

NC is the only way to get through it IMHO. That and having great people on LS that are always there to help. I am on permanent NC with the ex and I have never felt better. I still think of her but it doesn't rip at my heart like before.

[mmk1]

I know that breaking NC is the path to hurt, even when you are trying to stay friends and you've gone down this road before with them.

 

I recently broke NC to talk to my Ex with the classic, "My feelings haven't changed" and the ever-popular "I miss you" and "I'm not ready to be friends" to which I got the response that at least recognizing my problem of not accepting and letting go was the first step to recovery.

 

Thank you Dr. Freud! Not one word that she still had feelings for me. The fact is that whatever your Ex said she felt last to you is more than likely how they still feel about you. You don't have to contact them to just be told what you already know.

 

I feel like an idiot and I will have to fight my embarassment for calling next time I see her professionally, so learn from my lesson.

[Sysyphus28]

Peter, you need to ask yourself a few things, before you send anything:

 

1)What do you want to say to her in the email? That you miss her? That you are sorry? That you can't move on and still think of her? That you want her back?

 

What would the purpose of reaching out to her? Do you have things you want to say to her? IF so, you probably always will have just one more you want to say to her, and it will be a never-ending cycle.

Are you hoping that by contacting her she will change her mind and want a reconcilliation?

 

You need to think hard and ask yourself what is the purpose of reaching out to her.

 

2)How will you react if she either doesn't respond, or responds in a very cool or detached fasion? What do you think her reaction will be to you contacting her? If she ignores it, will you drive yourself mental thinking about it?

 

It seems that the majority of people on here who have reached out, and it doesn't necessarily matter if it's 2 days, two weeks or months after the breakup, they rarely come back with a happy story. Most end up feeling they've set themselves back, because you rarely get back anything that is of any use to you.

 

I know the desire to contact them can be overwhelming, and you crave just some form of contact, to give some validation that they still think of you, or care about you. But the payout rarely meets the desire of what you seek by doing it.

 

Just really think it over before doing it mate, because it's a slippery slope.

 

Man, you are totally right.........................no payoff.

It just re-iterated that it was over and She is over me.............geez.

[ioncebelieved]

I know that breaking NC is the path to hurt, even when you are trying to stay friends and you've gone down this road before with them.

 

I recently broke NC to talk to my Ex with the classic, "My feelings haven't changed" and the ever-popular "I miss you" and "I'm not ready to be friends" to which I got the response that at least recognizing my problem of not accepting and letting go was the first step to recovery.

 

Thank you Dr. Freud! Not one word that she still had feelings for me. The fact is that whatever your Ex said she felt last to you is more than likely how they still feel about you. You don't have to contact them to just be told what you already know.

 

I feel like an idiot and I will have to fight my embarassment for calling next time I see her professionally, so learn from my lesson.

Absolutely! There comes a time when you have to slay all hope. Maybe one day they will come (if that is what you desire) back to you. Just think, when they do what person they will see.

 

Breaking NC, is like talking to a stranger. It feels odd and leaves you hurting like a champ!