He went back to his Wife... What am I doing?!?

[ss5725]

Karma,

 

Just checking in to see how the NC is going for you. To be honest, the last couple days have been really hard for me. I don't know if posting about my experience has made me take a couple steps backward, but I so want to call my separated/reconciled man. I know that he will not contact me after my last email to him, but I have been so tempted to make contact with him but I know I can't. I refuse to be with someone who is married, but I miss him so much sometimes.

[Karma101]

I have not been in contact with him since Saturday afternoon, which is when we had our "talk". It's hard. Nights are the worst. I barely sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I miss him so much, but I know I have to let him go. This is a hard lesson learned. I guess I will be stronger on the other side of all this. It just doesn't feel that way today.

[jj33]

Hang in there. It must be really hard to have come so close to everything working out. But he needs to give it one last shot. Take good care.

[NewSunrise]

I have not been in contact with him since Saturday afternoon, which is when we had our "talk". It's hard. Nights are the worst. I barely sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I miss him so much, but I know I have to let him go. This is a hard lesson learned. I guess I will be stronger on the other side of all this. It just doesn't feel that way today.

Keep and stay busy.

 

As a former BS, xWH "returned" to the M or to me (his W) for the same reasons your MM did. I went through the same emotional torture/roller coaster you're going through, just on the other side. I kept busy and volunteered for a good cause.

 

We gave our M one last shot. But, I finally had enough of his bullsh*t and ongoing lying and cheatingthat I finally DECIDED I deserved better and he and his OW deserved each other. I kicked him out one last time. His OW hung on. Last I heard, that R died. Our D became final over a year ago. He still lives in the same house we bought. Our neighbors mentioned he'd asked about me.

 

I've moved on. I'm with an awesome guy who treats me like gold. He is the one guy I know who will bring the mountain to me.

 

Decide you deserve better. After all, he's not the last man on Earth nor will you be the last woman he'll cheat on if you decide to move on.

 

Until you decide to move on, it's harder to get your day going so that you CAN move on.

[hurting_in_MA]

Oh Karma!!! I feel your pain. I started a relationship with a separated man (he had been separated for about six months at the start of our relationship), and had a wonderful time together. We spent months in a fairly serious, exclusive relationship with constant communication. About six months ago, he decided to reconcile with his wife "for the kids". At the time of the reconciliation we went total NC. From constant communication to NC almost killed me. The pain was actually physical.

 

It went on like that with NC for about 3 months, when I sent a brief e-mail just checking in, and letting him know that I was not hating him, etc. He responded that he still thought about me all the time, couldn't sleep, etc. Then, NC again for another month, when he sent an e-mail to which I responded that it was not in anyone's best interest to continue on with the communication (especially his family).

 

NC again for 2 months, then I sent an e-mail to say "hello". It feels strange to have him completely out of my life...I guess when I initiate contact I just want a quick "hello, I am still alive kind of thing" But, this time we ended up instant messaging for hours...felt like no time had passed at all. He told me how unhappy he is, that he misses me, that he made a mistake. He is trying to figure out what to do...blah, blah, blah.

 

We had a few more e-mails, but then, I told him I felt like the OW, and I thought that we should not communicate and he should work out his stuff.

 

Sorry this is so long, you all probably don't care about the details, but it is good for me to get it all out.

 

So, anyway...I feel like I am dying inside. All I want to do is see him and talk to him. I keep telling myself: "do the right thing, do the right thing". The right thing for myself and for him and his family. It is easy to know that in my head, but every part of my being feels otherwise.

 

The point of me writing all of this is to get it out for myself, but also to let you know that you are not alone, Karma. You sound like a very kind person, and you deserve to be treated well.

 

We can do this! Right?

[DealingWDrama]

I have to admit, I didn't read everyone's posting, but I have to tell you...by hanging in there and continuing to be his sounding board and sleeping with him - you are setting yourself up for PAIN beyond belief. You are saying that you are willing to share a man with another woman.

 

Step away from the relationship. If he wants to be with his W, that is his choice - don't allow yourself to be an option when you NEED to be a priority. Since he was separated and divorcing when your relationship started, I don't see you as the OW; however, you need to think about where you were mentally in your life when the relationship did start....

 

You were ending a relationship - it's very easy to fall for someone shortly after a bad relationship ends...finally you are 'treated right' for the first time in a long time...give yourself TIME...step away...

[NewSunrise]

DealingWDrama;1901518]

Step away from the relationship.

OR you can stay and keep flipping the same deck of cards TO and FOR yourself until you DECIDE to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with life.

 

This is already what you are doing, isn't it? Flipping the same deck of cards...

[plum36]

Hi, I went through the exact same thing as you 15 years ago with my husband and not to put the mockers on everything, eventually he left his wife after 12 months and came back. I wouldnt entertain being the OW and had started on a new relationship. I finished a wonderful loving relationship to pick up where I had left off with him. What did I end up with? A non-trusting, possessive, extremely controlling in a very clever way husband, and believe me even my mum failed to understand because generally I am very strong willed. He has never recovered from his initial insecurities and until he does he will never succeed in any relationship. I too have repeated the same act as his wife and although I havnt confessed am of the opinion that it was doomed from the start and I should have been aware of his trust issues, they only continued to get worse once we had married and had a child, then moving onto using our son against me and even to the point of questionning him from the age of 3 about who we had met etc. etc. I am now going through a separation with him and I wish I had listened years ago and left well alone, although I have a beautiful Son to thank for the years we have spent together. Im sorry if this isnt what you want to hear but if you do decide to take him back if he comes back, and he probably will then I suggest you both go to counselling and ensure he has concquered any mistrust or deep rooted insecurities he has or you will be for a very rough ride.

[Completely Broken]

Karma, I'm in the same situation. How has the No Contact worked out for you. Tomorrow will be my first day of NC and I'm afraid that if he response to my email, that I'm going to reply back. He wants us to continue to have "relations" and says I'm in his heart, he misses me, etc. Have you at least started to get over him because you're at 7 weeks which is not long but I'm at week 1 and I can't stop crying.

[Completely Broken]

How is it that we can convince ourselves that "something" is better than "nothing". I have actually caught myself thinking today, well as the OW, at least I still had him in my life. That's "something", right? And really, that is NOT the kind of relationship I want with this man. I want what we HAD...

 

I am beyond sad. The wound is as fresh today as it was almost 2 months ago when he initially told me they were reconciling. I can't seem to shake these dark thoughts of "What's wrong with me?" "Why didn't he choose me?" You know, not feeling good enough. Wondering how he could claim to be so happy with me, so connected with me and disconnected with her and yet still go back. I want to move on. I just don't know where to start...

So there, Karma so there. " Part of a man is better than no man at all", there's actually an old song with those words in it. Wow.

 

Be Strong, I'm trying too

[Shannon2008]

My story is not exactly the same as yours, but it does have similarities.

 

I'll try to make this brief...

I also met my bf when he was separated from his wife. He lived on his own and was completely available when we met. We dated for quite a few months and it was amazing. I really believed we had a future. When I asked how his divorce proceedings were coming along..he'd always answer with "I am waiting for her to file because I don't want to get screwed with visitation rights and with money. I want it to be amicable." I thought this was a reasonable excuse so I believed him. He had 2 young kids. He told me they just couldn't get along and separated. Shortly after, she went back to an old boyfriend.

After about 4 months, he started behaving differently towards me, more withdrawn, more distant. I knew something was wrong, although he wouldn't admit to anything. He would cancel dates with me because of the "kids". Basically, whenever his wife would call him to watch the kids he would go. I believed him at first, but then I became suspicious. I decided to leave him.

A few months later, I learned he reconciled with his wife. I was very hurt, but at the same time, I felt good about my decision to leave and I was glad I trusted my instincts.

I moved on...dated others.

About 2 years later...he gets in touch with me. He had separated from his wife again and was living with 2 friends. He pursued me for quite some time before I agreed to see him again. I did..and at this point he promised he would get divorced. A few months later, the same thing happened, he withdrew, I left. He reconciled with his wife.

This was a few years ago...This week, he contacted me again. It's an endless cycle. This time, I will not fall back though. I only feel resentment for him.

 

Now I"m not saying you'll have the same experience...but I learned to NEVER trust a separated man again. It's not worth the pain and it strips at your self esteem. I don't think I"m fully recovered from that experience. So my advice to you is RUN, don't walk away.

[D-Lish]

To point out the obvious is that he was still married and you were the ow and having an affair. What seems to be the consensus is that if they are emotionally separated, then it will lead to divorce all the time. Not true. There is a chance of reconciliation, whether for the children or for the marriage. They were still legally married.

 

That's so ludicrious. She had every reason to believe his marriage was done. You can still get a divorce on paper and still be bound to your ex...

It boils down to a piece of paper.

 

We make commitments regardless of legal documents and we break commitments in spite of those same documents.

 

I take offense because I seperated from my husband when he had an affair... and i never had any intention of going back. The feelings of hurt and betrayal were real... the documents were a formality. Plain and simple.

 

I'd treat it the same as a couple that broke up. They either remain apart or decide to return to one another. No document defines what love is. The heart and head define it.

 

OP- you did not engage in an affair. You engaged the relationship with a clear conscience, only to be duped down the road. Such a thing could have easily happened with an ex girlfriend.

 

He's confused. He had kids to think of...

Think about yourself here. What do you want. You described your gratification as minimal. Is that cool? Probably not.

 

Just remember that you entered into this honorably- now you are entangled. Make a choice to do what is best for you at this point.

 

Feel no shame for still loving him. He obviously had/has unresolved issues.

Your best bet is to step back and pursue other avenues.

 

Marriage is a piece of paper... it's the genuine feelings that make that paper valid or invalid.

 

You didn't engage in an affair initially... But you are now engaging in a situation that could hurt you.

 

Make a choice. Never be an option.

[Karma101]

I thought I would give an update to my initial post in this thread almost some 4 months later... Partly as therapy for myself and hopefully as a lesson to anyone else engaged in a similar situation. My post to this thread was made in late October. As I stated in a subsequent post, I established NC with this man as he attempted reconciliation with his Wife. Sometime towards the end of November, he contacted me to tell me that he was in fact moving forward with his divorce again. It seems that she was in fact still seeing her xBF/OM. Naively, stupidly... call me what you will... I immediately re-entered into a relationship with this man, and his Wife/STBXW was fully aware of this fact. She immediately began to express remorse for her actions, but continued contact with the OM as well. Despite her "begging", he maintained that he could not forgive her/trust her/etc. and that he was moving forward with the divorce. Divorce proceedings were back in motion with the lawyers, timely paperwork resubmitted and mediation was eventually supposed to begin again in mid to late February. In the meantime, our relationship progressed. We became closer than ever, spending most of our time together. We took several trips, spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's together. He eventually brought me around his kids once again. We talked about our "future". Everything seemed perfect... or so I thought. He seemed slightly off towards the very end of January. No big deal, I could just tell he was slightly distant at times. He admitted to feeling overwhelmed with the divorce proceedings and the emotions associated with it. I've been there. Totally understandable. As a sidenote, his Wife/STBXW continued to express remorse and a desire to "try again" since the very day their reconciliation ended in November. It is my understanding that she did also continue to see the OM, though I'm not sure how much or how serious that relaionship remained. And then it happened... In early February, she called him one evening in a panic. He went over to the house. His son (14) had been hiding his report card and was basically failing the semester and had been skipping school quite a bit. As a Father, he was obviously devastated and totally guilt-ridden. I'm not sure what else transpired in that 2 hour visit at the house, but he was never the same again. He was distressed and distant. Within a week, I confronted him about his feelings. He admitted (again) to feeling conflicted about moving forward with the divorce. Logically he claimed to realize that his marriage had run it's course and that he could no longer trust his Wife/STBXW, but he still felt a strong emotional obligation to her and his family. He said he was plagued by "What if it I should try again... What if it would be different this time...etc." We decided to take a bit of space from each other for a couple of weeks while he "regained composure and direction in his divorce" (his words). I don't have to tell you that I was completely devastated yet again. Wasn't I just in this SAME EXACT position back in early September?!? We maintained contact during the "break" and even saw each other a few times. And then yesterday he told me that he was going back to his Wife and that he would be moving back into "their" home within a month or so. I was floored. Just like that. Now I realize that he maintained contact with me during their reconciliation that began back in September and he basically put no more effort into this attempt to make their marriage work than she did, but please refer to my initial post and the circumstances that lead to their initial separation almost 2 years ago now (her infidelity). The "final straw" in their attempt at reconciliation that began in Sept came in mid-November when, after an intimate encounter between the two of them, she got up and texted her OM while he (so she thought) was sleeping! NOW, he claims she has changed (though no counseling) and that she is no longer seeing the OM. Even the kids say she has changed, according to him. I think I am in a complete state of shock right now. Numb. Not surprisingly, he now states that neither one of them gave their reconciliaton 100% by both maintaining contact with other people, which is absolutely true. But, if you read some of my posts in this thread, when he maintained contact with me during that time, he was also telling me that he was not happy with her during this time of reconciliation, etc. When I was in contact with him during their attempt to put their marriage back together, I felt like the cushion or break from the difficulty of their reconciliation. It seemed like he was maintaining contact with me BECAUSE their reconciliation was not going well and was much more difficult than he had anticipated.

 

At any rate, his mind is set on going back again. He still maintains to love me and that he still wonders if he's making a mistake by letting me go... the person he knows he's happy with, totally compatible with, etc... Giving up a certainty for an unknown. I can't believe I am here again. I can't believe that I am SUCH A FOOL. I truly believed that he was done with her, that their divorce would become final. I try to be rational and not take this personally. They have 3 (teenage) children together and 20 years of history. I can't compete. But my heart has a different agenda. Why was I not enough for this man?!? How could he do this to me again?!? And why am I not stomping mad?!? I am heartbroken. And yes, I would probably take him back again tomorrow. I love him. Beyond reason. Do I think their marriage will work this time? Not a chance. They have been physically separated for almost 2 years. The problems that lead to that separation began long before he actually left, obviously. They have both been in relationships with other people since being apart. And they have gone back and forth several times now. But, I guess that doesn't matter and is really none of my concern anymore. I know I need to get over this man... to move on and not be concerned with whether their marriage will succeed or not.

 

But, the pain is almost more than I can bear. My heart and ego have totally been shattered. I don't know where to even begin to pick up the pieces or how to begin healing... On the one hand, I put on a brave face and wished him the best (AGAIN). But on the other, I selfishly want this to blow up in his face. There are no words.

[jasminetea]

Bloody hell, you poor thing. What a ****ty thing to have to go through, especially considering what you've already put up with.

 

I can't help feeling going straight to NC would be the best way forward for you. I read a couple of your other threads - he's been slightly flaky throughout and whilst he maybe a great guy, he's doesn't seem to have put you first very much, if ever.

 

Maybe that's because he hasn't truly experienced what its like to totally lose you. I can't help but feel that when you went NC in his last reconciliation, he still felt he could get you back if it didn't work out and he was proved right, he didn't have to work at having you back at all, did he?

 

Well this time maybe he needs to know that that enough is enough?

[Karma101]

No, he did not have to work at getting me back at all. I welcomed him with open arms. In hindsight, the very fact that he came back to me only days after things went south with his last reconciliation should have been a HUGE RED flag. But, he said all of the right things... "I choose you. It's over. I'm done. I'm getting divorced. I am 100% sure that I can no longer be married to that woman. Etc." My heart melted. And given the circumstances that lead to their initial separation and the fact that they had been apart for such an extended period of time, I really believed he had FINALLY had enough with her. I knew there would be rough times ahead with his divorce. I knew he was very much in a distressed emotional state, but I truly thought he was ready to begin the process of moving on.

 

He has no idea what it is like to be w/out me. I have always been here for him. I am entirely too nice and understanding. I guess I've become his doormat, and clearly his second choice. I try to get angry, but the feeling is just not there. Not yet anyway. I am caught off guard by this and by my overwhelming emotions as well. I know it is over this time. Period. And that is what I am trying to deal with. To say that the pain is physical would be an understatement. And while I am here not eating or sleeping, he has finally got what I imagine he has been hoping for all along... his estranged Wife and her claim that THIS time is different. And maybe it will be.

 

I am struggling with coping. This is not good. Not good at all.

[Island Girl]

They SOOOOOOOO deserve each other!

 

They sound like two horrid people and they need to stick with each other and quit hurting the innocents!

 

You are so lucky you found out that this is really who he is!

He is a flake - a wishy washy man who can not stand by his own decisions and obviously needs to cling to somebody in his life.

 

He is just awful! YUCK!

[bentnotbroken]

They do need to stick with each other, they are both cheaters who will eventually destroy themselves and others around them. But Karma isn't an innocent. She went into this with her eyes wide open, more than one time. She expected honest and respect from someone who had already demonstrated that those weren't qualities he possessed because he was with her while married. Cheating by a partner shouldn't be a reason to cheat yourself. I just feel sorry for the child/children. They deserve better parents than two who's only contribution to parenting is having sex.

[Karma101]

I never claimed to be innocent in this situation. BUT, during the past few months, they WERE NOT reconciling. They were, once again, moving towards divorce. I, personally, do not consider that cheating. Our relationship was very much out in the open.

 

As for their parenting skills, I believe family is one of the primary reasons driving him back. He wants to maintain a two-parent household. Your comments are harsh.

[jasminetea]

I don't doubt your belief that he was telling the truth when he came back to you. You would have been pretty hard faced if you hadn't believed him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

 

Tell us what you're doing. Are you completely NC with him?

[Karma101]

Yes, I am NC w/ him. Just since early yesterday morning. It's killing me, but obviously there is no other option. I'm doing the best that I can. Will I break NC at some point? If I'm being honest, probably. Will he? I'm quite sure. But NC is what we both agreed to and that is where we will end up. Will I ever let myself get into a situation again where I am the OW while he is working on his marriage, NO. Without a doubt, NO!

 

Logically I know that I should be furious with this man and at my absolute breaking point, but my heart is at a complete disconnect from that logic. :-(

[jasminetea]

Oh well, that's great you've already implemented NC. Hearts are not very logical, but its good that you recognise that and if (it doesn't have to be a definite when ) you break NC, you'll know you're doing yourself no favours.

 

Could you get away for a bit? Have a mini break somewhere? Visit friends a long way away? A change of scenery can do wonders.

[bentnotbroken]

I never claimed to be innocent in this situation. BUT, during the past few months, they WERE NOT reconciling. They were, once again, moving towards divorce. I, personally, do not consider that cheating. Our relationship was very much out in the open.

 

As for their parenting skills, I believe family is one of the primary reasons driving him back. He wants to maintain a two-parent household. Your comments are harsh.

 

 

They weren't meant to be harsh. I stated the facts as I saw them. Yes, they were separated, but not divorced. Moving toward divorce isn't divorced. The fact that they were still married means anything that either of them did sexual outside of marriage was extra-marital. And as for parenting skills, what parent would cheat run home, cheat run home and put their child through that kind of angst? Just leave already. If he was so great(or she for that matter) one or both of them would have put their child first before their on selfish behaviour. What he wants to maintain is the status quo. It has nothing to do with his family, only his penis and ego. Same goes for the mother.

[2sure]

Like you, I would have thought this man was free and clear when you met him. But your post and so many others like it are another good reason to not seriously date someone until the Divorce is a done deed. Its possible that his relationshiop with you was one of the motivating factors for his wife to want him back. Its just too tricky a set of circumstances. But hindsight doesnt do you any good.

 

For this man to go back to his wife, to forgive her repeated infidelities must have been difficult for him. Having been a BS I can tell you that getting past a spouses infidelity requires a great deal of love. He tried to replace the relationship but was in no condition to do so.

 

For all of her cheating and back & forth...he was doing the same thing. This couple , while working on reconciliation and recovery from infidelity, were BOTH still having affairs. You just cant feel sorry for either one of them. And he knew you loved him. He could have left you out of the picture, but for selfishness or revenge...brought you along.

 

Urgh. You will get angry after you have gotten past some of the hurt from this. You are going to have to dig deep and find some good to take away from this.

[stampdaddy]

They weren't meant to be harsh. I stated the facts as I saw them. Yes, they were separated, but not divorced. Moving toward divorce isn't divorced. The fact that they were still married means anything that either of them did sexual outside of marriage was extra-marital. And as for parenting skills, what parent would cheat run home, cheat run home and put their child through that kind of angst? Just leave already. If he was so great(or she for that matter) one or both of them would have put their child first before their on selfish behaviour. What he wants to maintain is the status quo. It has nothing to do with his family, only his penis and ego. Same goes for the mother.

 

the mother has a penis?

[carhill]

Well, yeah, it's just smaller