Dexter Morgan Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 That is one of the big problems of an affair it shows you what you are missing, things you are better off not knowing. What it is showing you is what you are "missing" by being in a committed relationship. I think you'd be better off single. Cuz what you are "missing" you will miss again after any length of time having sex with the same old person for too awful long.
wantmore Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 PKN- I am exactly in the place that you are in...as I read your story I had to look back to see that I had not written it. My circumstances are almost identical except I am the wife and we have 2 children. I really do feel your pain and wish there was an easy answer. I am addressing in my own life the same issues you are. I guess I wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in this situation! good luck!
RobertLS Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 PKN, just found your thread today, and I'm going through a VERY similar situation as you, almost to the T, except you're about 3 months ahead of me. Just wanted to mention a few things I didn't see in this thread that my wife and I are trying, and maybe they'll give you some ideas. One thing we've discussed is a trial separation. I find that I'm happier when she's not around. We both feel that happiness has to come from within me, it's not something she can make me feel. Maybe some time alone will help me be happier, and then I'll be in a better state to appreciate her and work on our marriage. Like you, the harder my wife tries to make things work, the more I feel I need to pull away. She's not thrilled about a trial separation, but she's willing to consider it if I think it'll help. We meet once a week with other couples in rocky marriages to discuss problems. I like it because it helps to realize that you're not alone. We're doing it in a marriage seminar offered at a local church that we don't attend. The seminar is very relationship-oriented, and there's very little "The Bible says X." One other thing I'm trying is anti-depressants. I've heard that they can help the detox process after an affair. The problem for me is, like you, the farther away from the affair I get, the more I realize it wasn't the affair that was causing problems in my marriage, I'm just unhappy living with my wife. That alone makes me sad, and maybe the anti-depressants will help. Also, regular exercise helps. There are a lot of good responses in your thread but also some harsh ones, and I think you're doing a great job handling those. Good luck with everything. You're in a difficult spot.
Author pkn06002 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 Thanks to everyone that has replied. All the responses have been appreciated and actually very helpful. I will say unlike other sites this one is constructive even when the responses are harsh, since everyone here does a nice job keep it constructive not making it personal. I have started reading a book on how not to be co-dependent and a lot of that book is ringing true. I do have lots of work I need to do on myself before I really decided which direction to go. Because like a lot of you have stated my family (wife and child) do not deserve what how I am, but I also do not want to drag issues into another relationship. Add to the mess the current job and housing market and things are a bit more of a mess. So for now continue to work on things with my wife and on myself to hopefully come to a conclusion finally.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Because like a lot of you have stated my family (wife and child) do not deserve what how I am, but I also do not want to drag issues into another relationship.. Thats why I think you are better off being in uncommitted relationships.
Author pkn06002 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 Thats why I think you are better off being in uncommitted relationships. I would not totally disagree with you. I will say that a committed but not married relationship would be better. Here is why there is no safety in the concept of "marriage" that people seem to rely on. People become complacent when they get "married" figuring that the vows and a piece of paper will make everyone play nice. As this (and other sites) show that is not the case. One of the best lessons I ever learned was in high school and how my friends and I dated. The concept was easy. "What is mine is mine what is yours can be mine if taken correctly." that simple idea makes you keep your partner happy since happy partners do not stray.
RobertLS Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I have started reading a book on how not to be co-dependent and a lot of that book is ringing true. What book are you reading?
Author pkn06002 Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 What book are you reading? http://www.amazon.ca/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
Kasan Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 I decided to check out your thread after reading your postings on the "talk about the contract of marriage" thread. You remind me a lot of a guy who used to post here telling us about the affair he was having and the reasons behind it. There was a lot of justification on his part, and we were offered numerous reasons as to why he continued to have his affair. Finally, he decided to come clean and told his wife about the affair. Then he disappeared and we haven't heard from him again. I'm thinking that somewhere down the road, your wife will get fed up with the line of crap you have been feeding her and decide that perhaps you aren't the good fit for her after all. I also wonder if you lived up to her expectations in the marriage...............
Author pkn06002 Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 I decided to check out your thread after reading your postings on the "talk about the contract of marriage" thread. You remind me a lot of a guy who used to post here telling us about the affair he was having and the reasons behind it. There was a lot of justification on his part, and we were offered numerous reasons as to why he continued to have his affair. Finally, he decided to come clean and told his wife about the affair. Then he disappeared and we haven't heard from him again. I'm thinking that somewhere down the road, your wife will get fed up with the line of crap you have been feeding her and decide that perhaps you aren't the good fit for her after all. I also wonder if you lived up to her expectations in the marriage............... Again I am not justifying my affair. I give my reasons if people see that as justification not my problem. My justification was simply that I was/am not happy in the marriage. The reasons I have posted here and the other thread accumulated to the end justification. If I have lived up to my wife's expectations I don't know. I can only go by the fact she does say she is happy and content. Can't read minds, but I do try to do those things that make her happy. Let me also add, that in the real world I am far from this blunt or mean. I can actually post what I feel here in safety and get it out. Which I did not do before my affair. Who knows maybe if I could've vented then I would not of confided in the OW and avoided the affair all together.
Kasan Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Let me also add, that in the real world I am far from this blunt or mean. I can actually post what I feel here in safety and get it out. Which I did not do before my affair. Who knows maybe if I could've vented then I would not of confided in the OW and avoided the affair all together. Well, I think you might be on to something here. How is your communication with your wife now?
Author pkn06002 Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 Well, I think you might be on to something here. How is your communication with your wife now? Oh we talk more now then we EVER have and actually clear the air as we have issues now. Still have problems with taking offense to the topic being discussed but that is getting better. Getting sighs and rolling eyes does make me not want to discuss issues much. But we work on it all the same.
Kasan Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 So now I wonder, how do you see your life ten years from now? Will you look back and regret, that your child saw an unhappy marriage that you stayed when you could have moved on the years that you can't get back will she......
Author pkn06002 Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 So now I wonder, how do you see your life ten years from now? Will you look back and regret, that your child saw an unhappy marriage that you stayed when you could have moved on the years that you can't get back will she...... You hit on the reason for the thread. At this point I don't know the answer to those questions.
BlindleadingtheBlind Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Hi Pkn, I know others in this thread have suggested individual counseling, but I wanted to chime in and suggest it again. I had a brief affair over a year ago. When I read your thread, it struck me that the feelings you are describing sound eerily similar to my own feelings, and what I now realize is that after the emotional high of an affair, these feelings of disengagement and depression are also a normal part of the process of recovery. I am still dealing with feelings of sadness and depression, and have been seeking counseling to get to the root of why I had an affair in the first place. It's worth seeking outside help. Yesterday, I was lamenting to my counselor that I had spent a year rigorously trying to figure out why I had succumbed to a meaningless affair and why it was I still felt so disattached from my husband. I was asking the same sorts of questions I feel you are right now -- whether I had ever even loved my husband, etc. etc. The counselor pointed out that the experience of working something out with an unbiased person to help you through is very different from the endless loop of questioning that goes on inside your own head. I had sought out counseling a year ago for these very same questions, but stopped when it got too close for comfort. A month ago, I realized that even though a year had passed, I was still no closer to answers and decided to try it again. Even though it has only been four sessions with my new therapist, I am feeling hopeful that the long road ahead may hold some new wisdom about myself, and how to break the destructive patterns I am now able to identify were present long before the evidence of it showed up in my marriage. Good luck -- it's a tough emotional place to be, and I definitely empathize. One thing I've learned is that oftentimes, those of us who seek out the highs of an affair are simply seeking a quick fix to larger areas that often go ignored and catch us off guard. Although it's hard to accept, and I certainly didn't want to hear it at the time, an affair is almost never about the other person OR about your spouse. It's almost always about some sense of dissatisfaction with yourself.
Mino Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I'll try to keep my comments aimed at the OP. I said "I'll try", not "I promise". You have an extraordinarily simple choice. Stay or go. Thats it. Stay. You are miserable. You are unhappy. Every day of your only life spent with a woman you do not love. Nothing changes. I cannot imagine you can keep this up forever - the forced smiles, the lack of laughter, the lack of easy banter. And guess who is learning all of this...yup, your child. Your child will grow up thinking that is normal. Is that what you want for him (or her)? Children learn of relationships by watching their parents. And what do you think you are teaching? Your a father - you know how your kid(s?) react to your moods...think about it - can you keep up the act? One of the reasons you are staying is financial? Bad for you? You? So? Part of D is a change in lifestyle. At least you have the chance to meet someone and feel true and deep love. To be happy. I tried. I really did but I cannot ignore this. Think of your W for one second. She is putting real and true effort and emotion in this. Does she have any idea how you feel? That you want out? Allow her to put the effort and emotion into a man who wants her just as badly. It isn't you and that's ok. What isn't ok is to string her along. Sorry, that's about as selfish as it gets. To sum up staying...you make more money but deny your child a truly happy home, you deny you and your W a shot at true happiness in your only life. Leave. Get a D. True, you will not see your child each and every day. You will make less money and will have fewer comforts you enjoy now. You may be lonely and have no one to talk to for a while. BUT. You have a shot at real, deep and true love. A woman who you can't wait to see again. A woman's whose voice turns an ugly day into a wonderful one. That happiness is now what your child learns. Your son or daughter is no longer in a home with a "thick atmosphere". His mom is in a happy R and so are you. Believe it or not, there are thousands of well adjusted kids with divorced parents. Screw the money. Money you can replace but not lost time. If MC isn't working and you are miserable...talk to your W about a collaborative D. Set you and her free. Live a happy, if somewhat poorer, life. My .02 Wow... best post I have read in a long time... I applaud you... for speaking the truth..
taylor Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Hi Pkn, I know others in this thread have suggested individual counseling, but I wanted to chime in and suggest it again. I had a brief affair over a year ago. When I read your thread, it struck me that the feelings you are describing sound eerily similar to my own feelings, and what I now realize is that after the emotional high of an affair, these feelings of disengagement and depression are also a normal part of the process of recovery. I am still dealing with feelings of sadness and depression, and have been seeking counseling to get to the root of why I had an affair in the first place. It's worth seeking outside help. Yesterday, I was lamenting to my counselor that I had spent a year rigorously trying to figure out why I had succumbed to a meaningless affair and why it was I still felt so disattached from my husband. I was asking the same sorts of questions I feel you are right now -- whether I had ever even loved my husband, etc. etc. The counselor pointed out that the experience of working something out with an unbiased person to help you through is very different from the endless loop of questioning that goes on inside your own head. I had sought out counseling a year ago for these very same questions, but stopped when it got too close for comfort. A month ago, I realized that even though a year had passed, I was still no closer to answers and decided to try it again. Even though it has only been four sessions with my new therapist, I am feeling hopeful that the long road ahead may hold some new wisdom about myself, and how to break the destructive patterns I am now able to identify were present long before the evidence of it showed up in my marriage. Good luck -- it's a tough emotional place to be, and I definitely empathize. One thing I've learned is that oftentimes, those of us who seek out the highs of an affair are simply seeking a quick fix to larger areas that often go ignored and catch us off guard. Although it's hard to accept, and I certainly didn't want to hear it at the time, an affair is almost never about the other person OR about your spouse. It's almost always about some sense of dissatisfaction with yourself. And this is one of the best posts I have read in a long time. Every word so eloquently said and so very, very, very TRUE.
heavenlytomorrow Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 hi. I totally sympathize. I am in exactly the same situation. I love my husband as a friend but have nosexual desire for him since my affair last year. I had such an amazing relationship with my lover and I miss him terribly. I believe he was the love of my life and although ihavent seen him in a year, when myhusband discovered our affair, I miss him everyday and it has stopped me having feelings for my husband. Everyone criticises but know the pain u must feel trying to do the 'right thing'. If only we could choose who we fall in love with.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 hi. I totally sympathize. I am in exactly the same situation. I love my husband as a friend but have nosexual desire for him since my affair last year. I had such an amazing relationship with my lover and I miss him terribly. I believe he was the love of my life and although ihavent seen him in a year, when myhusband discovered our affair, I miss him everyday and it has stopped me having feelings for my husband. Everyone criticises but know the pain u must feel trying to do the 'right thing'. If only we could choose who we fall in love with. so divorce your husband and set him free.
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