Affair has caused emotional confusion

[pkn06002]

I have been reading on this site of a while after visiting other sites that are not a helpful to people that have strayed. The opinions here seem less based in emotions and more just here is deal which I like and seems to make for better discussions. So I am hoping everyone here can help me out a bit.

 

I had a LTA (3+ years) that ended several months ago (last saw her 6 months ago, last conversation 4 months ago), still have the withdrawals a bit from the OW etc... But the depression of losing that relationship has passed (thank God) and I am more in just that nagging craving stage, which I can ignore. My wife does know about the affair I confessed months back about it. We have gone to MC several times.

 

The problem I am having is this.

 

I know that WS rewrite their marriage to justify their affair, I never really did that. I never stated that I NEVER loved my wife or any of that nonsense. I just knew I was unhappy with how I felt about my marriage before my affair ever started. Along came the OW and like a lot of stories it became the best and worst relationship I have ever had. I could've walked away at multiple times but I did not because I did like how I felt when I talked to OW. Yes I know all about the love drugs etc... I knew about all of that even before I went into the affair. Which makes the feelings I had for the OW all that much more intense.

 

Anyway the affair is now over and NC is in place. The withdrawls continue and the fog continues to lift, but the more this continues the worse I feel about the state of my marriage. My wife is trying very hard to make the marriage somewhere I want to stay vs. the willing to stay. At one time I very much was in love with my wife but now I don't feel anything for her. The more she tries the more is makes me upset, since I don't feel the same. I am very much going back to the state of mind right before I had my affair, which is not good. But there are things missing from my marriage that just cannot be addressed.

 

I am starting to realize why I married my wife in the first place. My friends always commented I jumped into the marriage quickly, I ignored it at the time. But when I meet my wife I was and emotional wreak from a previous relationship and my expecations for a partner were pretty low. Plus I was at that age where everyone around me was getting married and I did not want to be the only one not. My wife meet those low expectations but after my affair my expecations have gone up to what they normally were before I meet my wife.

 

So now I have a marriage where I don't love my wife, like a husband should. Divorce is not something I am interested because I love my child and finacially it would effect us all badly. But I am just not happy in a relationship with my wife, I am not attracted to her at all physically or mentally. I go home to see our child and I fake the rest with my wife.

 

So how to cope with this any suggestions?

 

We have tried the marriagebuilders ideas (Yes stay way from the forum if you are a WS) those are working for her but not on me.

[Owl]

What, specifically are you trying from marriagebuilders? And how long have you actively been doing these things?

[Geishawhelk]

I think next time you go to MC you need to air these feelings and be honest.

It's ok to have these feelings because these things happen. Affair or not, you love your wife but you're not IN love with her.

I understand furthermore, all the thoughts on finances, and your child's welfare but it's been said many times, staying in a marriage 'for the sake of the children' is misguided, unproductive and unfair on all three of you.

You will always have this connection with your wife.

You will always share this child.

 

But a child brought up in an environment where parents are separated but happy, is still miles better than a child brought up in one where the parents are together but unhappy.

 

MC isn't necessarily about keeping people together no matter what.

MC is about reaching a point where you share common ground and are "on the smae page"... even if you're reading different books.....

 

You can't manufacture love, or devise a love that's different to the one you feel. If your heart's not in it, then so be it.

But to continue this charade is just as bad, emotionally, on your wife, as cheating was. you are depriving your wife of something she deserves from a spouse, and you can't give it.

The best and kindest thing you could do, is to take a deep breath, and tell her, during an MC session:

"I don't love you any more, and I can't go on pretending I do."

I don't pretend at all that it will be easy.

But it will be frank, honest and trust me, in many ways, you'll feel better that it's out in the open.

[Reggie]

I have no desire to berate you. But, it is terribly unfortunate that you put the cart before the horse and had an affair rather than ending your marriage or attempting to work on it.

I was in a similar marriage > My first wife was abusive , alcoholic, and had serial affairs. When I finally got out, I was very much depleted. After a couple years on my own, I met my second wife, a very physically beautiful woman that was a lot younger than me. I knew she was not comapatible with me but she was so good looking and she was pursuing me, that I ended up married to her. It was incredibly dumb.

I made every effort to communicate with her, to discuss my feelings and to have a normal family life. But, she was soley interested in materail things nd she was pretty non-communicative> I soon saw that to her, I was a meal ticket, a decent looking guy that made good money> She had no desire for any real intimacy with me.

Fortunately for me, she started cheating relatively soon after we were married. I did not find out right away and we had 3 kids( I think ,but do not know for sure they are mine biologically. But, I don't really care , as I love them.) Finding out about my wife's affairs was a Godsend for me. It got me out.

In your case, you had the opportunity to get out pre -A. Divorce is readily available. Now, having had an affair, most prople will attribute your leaving to the aftrmath of the affair. Your kid may view it this way, as well.

But, if you really do not love your wife and it cannot be fixed, you need to get out. Bite the bullet on taking the hits that will come from folks viewing your exit as the result of your cheating.

[pkn06002]

What, specifically are you trying from marriagebuilders? And how long have you actively been doing these things?

 

Oh I have gone through the whole EN's, LB's etc... Yes even the "just payment" idea.

 

Have been doing that for several months, since June.

 

Yes which overlaps with the last conversation with OW, but that last conversation was all of 10 minutes. Even that last conversation had a lag of 2 months from any previous conversations.

 

For a while I was a fanatic about trying to "fix" things but I am just not feeling it.

 

 

FYI: I do appreciate the posts back here.

[Owl]

OK...what you're talking about are MB "concepts"...but you're not talking about MB "actions". See the difference?

 

What ACTIONS are you and your wife taking to recover and rebuild your marriage?

 

15 hours/week?

POJA?

 

You get the picture. What ACTIONS are the two of you taking to meet the CONCEPTS you've learned about?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

pkn,

 

May I ask if you are being intimate with your wife?

[pkn06002]

OK...what you're talking about are MB "concepts"...but you're not talking about MB "actions". See the difference?

 

What ACTIONS are you and your wife taking to recover and rebuild your marriage?

 

15 hours/week?

POJA?

 

You get the picture. What ACTIONS are the two of you taking to meet the CONCEPTS you've learned about?

 

The POJA is a difficult thing with my wife, since she does not like agreement she wants her ideas to always be followed. Has been an issue for a long time and did result in me doing the go along to get along.

 

15 hours a week we try but unless I am willing to only do her activities that is also a no go. She is not willing to spend time with me unless it is something she enjoys.

 

In the first 2 months that I learned about MB I tried to implement everything. Scheduled dates, time together, quick my individual activities. The obsession of trying to my wife loved it, but then I stopped to see what she would do. She reciprocated nothing. Now she is trying again because she sees I am unhappy. She has even stated our marriage makes her very happy and she has everything she would ever want except a happy husband.

 

Again I am back to my state of mind before my affair. Where I also tried lots of things in keep that "spark". But that too did not work. I will say I used to not be able to sleep unless my wife was in the bed. But about 5 years ago things physically changed for her (menopause) and she changed. Which resulted in me getting frustrated and allowed me to justify becoming a wayward. Knowing I can attract someone else that "fits" me better is a bad thing now. I was very much better off never knowing.

[pkn06002]

pkn,

 

May I ask if you are being intimate with your wife?

 

I can say I try. The physical actions are taken but the mental connection is just not there.

[jwi71]

So now I have a marriage where I don't love my wife, like a husband should. Divorce is not something I am interested because I love my child and finacially it would effect us all badly. But I am just not happy in a relationship with my wife, I am not attracted to her at all physically or mentally. I go home to see our child and I fake the rest with my wife.

 

So how to cope with this any suggestions?

 

I'll try to keep my comments aimed at the OP. I said "I'll try", not "I promise".

 

You have an extraordinarily simple choice. Stay or go. Thats it.

 

Stay. You are miserable. You are unhappy. Every day of your only life spent with a woman you do not love. Nothing changes. I cannot imagine you can keep this up forever - the forced smiles, the lack of laughter, the lack of easy banter. And guess who is learning all of this...yup, your child. Your child will grow up thinking that is normal. Is that what you want for him (or her)? Children learn of relationships by watching their parents. And what do you think you are teaching? Your a father - you know how your kid(s?) react to your moods...think about it - can you keep up the act?

 

One of the reasons you are staying is financial? Bad for you? You? So? Part of D is a change in lifestyle. At least you have the chance to meet someone and feel true and deep love. To be happy.

 

I tried. I really did but I cannot ignore this. Think of your W for one second. She is putting real and true effort and emotion in this. Does she have any idea how you feel? That you want out? Allow her to put the effort and emotion into a man who wants her just as badly. It isn't you and that's ok. What isn't ok is to string her along. Sorry, that's about as selfish as it gets.

 

To sum up staying...you make more money but deny your child a truly happy home, you deny you and your W a shot at true happiness in your only life.

 

Leave. Get a D. True, you will not see your child each and every day. You will make less money and will have fewer comforts you enjoy now. You may be lonely and have no one to talk to for a while.

 

BUT.

 

You have a shot at real, deep and true love. A woman who you can't wait to see again. A woman's whose voice turns an ugly day into a wonderful one. That happiness is now what your child learns. Your son or daughter is no longer in a home with a "thick atmosphere". His mom is in a happy R and so are you. Believe it or not, there are thousands of well adjusted kids with divorced parents.

 

Screw the money. Money you can replace but not lost time.

 

If MC isn't working and you are miserable...talk to your W about a collaborative D. Set you and her free. Live a happy, if somewhat poorer, life.

 

My .02

[Dexter Morgan]

Anyway the affair is now over and NC is in place. The withdrawls continue and the fog continues to lift, but the more this continues the worse I feel about the state of my marriage. My wife is trying very hard to make the marriage somewhere I want to stay vs. the willing to stay.

 

 

And that is just plain sad. You cheat, but it is her that is busting her hump to keep you. It has to be plain old desperation on her part and I feel for her.

 

 

At one time I very much was in love with my wife but now I don't feel anything for her. The more she tries the more is makes me upset, since I don't feel the same.

 

Well if that is true, then you need to divorce. There is really nothing else left to consider unless she is willing to be married to a cheating husband and you are ok with staying married and keep screwing around, no matter what the reason, kids' sake, financial stability, whatever.

 

 

 

So now I have a marriage where I don't love my wife, like a husband should. Divorce is not something I am interested because I love my child and finacially it would effect us all badly.

 

So because of your child and money, you are going to keep your wife hostage and let her keep blindly trying to save something that isn't there?

 

Thats horrible. Tell you what, tell your wife just that. Tell her that the only reason you don't want to get divorced is because of your child and money and see what she says.

 

 

 

But I am just not happy in a relationship with my wife, I am not attracted to her at all physically or mentally. I go home to see our child and I fake the rest with my wife.

 

Hopefully she comes to her senses and files for divorce so you won't have the choice of whether or not to hold her hostage.

 

 

So how to cope with this any suggestions?

 

You have got to be kidding? You want suggestions on how to cope and basically mentally abuse your wife and keep her in a fog?

 

 

We have tried the marriagebuilders ideas (Yes stay way from the forum if you are a WS) those are working for her but not on me.

 

Why are you even doing marriagebuilders or anything else if you aren't interested in a marriage with your wife and only want to stay in if for financial reason?

[Dexter Morgan]

I think next time you go to MC you need to air these feelings and be honest.

 

I agree. That way his wife and the counselor can get the truth. Then maybe the wife can take control of her life instead of being controlled by him.

[pkn06002]

Thank you everyone for the replies.

 

I do want to clarify the financial comment. I can live on less that does not matter to me. But I don't want to financially impact my child.

 

What I find interesting is the fact that during the affair I was more then willing to gamble with my child but now she is what keeps me.

 

Anyway good advice thanks, you have given me a bit to think about.

 

Thanks!

[Dexter Morgan]

I can say I try. The physical actions are taken but the mental connection is just not there.

 

So you are just using her for sex?

[pkn06002]

So you are just using her for sex?

 

Ah no

 

If it was something I enjoyed with her that would be a valid comment. But it's not in this case.

 

Let me add that my wife knows I am staying for our child and money reasons. We have discussed it, so no secret there.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ah no

 

If it was something I enjoyed with her that would be a valid comment. But it's not in this case.

 

If you don't enjoy sex with her, then why are you trying to have it with her??:confused:

 

 

Let me add that my wife knows I am staying for our child and money reasons. We have discussed it, so no secret there.

 

Then she has her own set of problems to work out. I still feel for her.

 

Maybe some day she'll come to her senses.

[pkn06002]

If you don't enjoy sex with her, then why are you trying to have it with her??:confused:

 

Good question and I do not have a good answer. I guess my best answer is to not totally reject her with the possibility of maybe reconnecting.

[jwi71]

But I don't want to financially impact my child.

 

You don't have to financially impact your child. Make your child support payments. If the order is to pay 1000.00/mo and you think it will adversely affect your child...pay more.

 

What is affecting your child is the day to day atmosphere. My 5 year old daughter can read me like a book - damn its scary sometimes. And my moods affect her. Every parent knows this.

 

I think you know what to do - you just need to do it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

My wife meet those low expectations but after my affair my expecations have gone up to what they normally were before I meet my wife.

What expectations, exactly?

[pkn06002]

My wife meet those low expectations but after my affair my expecations have gone up to what they normally were before I meet my wife.

What expectations, exactly?

 

Physically attractive

Physically active

Wants (not just willing) to participate in some of my activities. I like doing outside type of stuff

Knows how to have a conversation where you joke and poke fun at each other, but no one gets mad.

Good sex would be a bonus.

Willing to compromise on how we raise our child. Not just that her ideas (or her families) are the only valid answers.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

That's a good start. You say she is willing/wants to make the marriage work, have you told her these things?

 

Have you ever found her physically attractive? I don't imagine you'll ever have "good" sex with any woman you are not attracted to.

[pkn06002]

That's a good start. You say she is willing/wants to make the marriage work, have you told her these things?

 

Have you ever found her physically attractive? I don't imagine you'll ever have "good" sex with any woman you are not attracted to.

 

Yes we have talked about these things, over and over. Even before the affair.

 

Lets just say my wife is not aging well, even in the 10 years that I have known here there has been a dramatic change in how she looks. She does minimal effort to workout to look better. I like the look of a physically active woman, not someone that is slim just because here genetics make her that way. At one time she was very cute but she gave that effort up, even her mom comments on it at times. Her sisters (who are older then she is) look younger then she does, because they put in the effort and try to enjoy life. My wife spends most of her time with her mother (who is 78) and is starting to become her mom. Which would be fine if I was 65, but I am 39.

[Owl]

That's a good start. You say she is willing/wants to make the marriage work, have you told her these things?

 

Have you ever found her physically attractive? I don't imagine you'll ever have "good" sex with any woman you are not attracted to.

 

I completely agree with this response.

 

Have you laid it out, this honestly, with your wife? RECENTLY?

 

Not just when things were all in turmoil months ago...but discussed where things aren't working, what steps she IS taking vs what steps she NEEDS to be taking? Ensured she understands exactly what you're feeling at the moment (ready to cheat again)?

 

Its a valid thought. Spell it out clearly to her, and ensure she understands how IMPORTANT these needs are for you.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Lets just say my wife is not aging well, even in the 10 years that I have known here there has been a dramatic change in how she looks.

 

I can tell you that I aged 10 years in the 3 years after dday!

[Dexter Morgan]

Physically attractive

Physically active

Wants (not just willing) to participate in some of my activities. I like doing outside type of stuff

Knows how to have a conversation where you joke and poke fun at each other, but no one gets mad.

Good sex would be a bonus.

Willing to compromise on how we raise our child. Not just that her ideas (or her families) are the only valid answers.

 

So your affair is all her fault. Glad you cleared that up.