Affair has caused emotional confusion

[Dexter Morgan]

Lets just say my wife is not aging well, even in the 10 years that I have known here there has been a dramatic change in how she looks.

 

If that is the superficial attitude you have towards it and that is how much you despise the way she looks, then for petes sake divorce her and set her free.

 

The whole financially impacting your child argument is bunk. It isn't your child's finances you are concerned with here, it is yours. I think you just don't want to pay child support, or have to sell a house, or whatever.

 

Your wife doesn't deserve this. And somehow I don't believe that she wants to stay in the marriage knowing you feel this way. I don't buy it. Either she doesn't know how you really feel, or she doesn't know the whole story.

[pkn06002]

If that is the superficial attitude you have towards it and that is how much you despise the way she looks, then for petes sake divorce her and set her free.

 

The whole financially impacting your child argument is bunk. It isn't your child's finances you are concerned with here, it is yours. I think you just don't want to pay child support, or have to sell a house, or whatever.

 

Your wife doesn't deserve this. And somehow I don't believe that she wants to stay in the marriage knowing you feel this way. I don't buy it. Either she doesn't know how you really feel, or she doesn't know the whole story.

 

Superficial attitude? Humm I posted what I would like in a partner. The fact my wife does not meet those is not her "fault".

 

Can you please point out where I blame her for my affair? Seems that is a favorite saying of a BS against a WS. She (along with me) helped to create the atmosphere where my affair was possible. Because you know what happy people don't have affairs.

 

"financially impacting your child argument is bunk" really caring that my child can do things is bunk?? I guess wanting good things for my child is "bunk".

 

Believe what you want but your wrong in what you have posted.

[Dexter Morgan]

Superficial attitude? Humm I posted what I would like in a partner.

 

Apparently she must have had what you wanted to marry her. Pretty sad when age takes its toll. All I can say is, enjoy what you want in a somewhat perfect image of a woman while it lasts, cuz when you get old, its all over.

 

 

The fact my wife does not meet those is not her "fault".

 

Well you sure made quite a bit of excuses that pointed to her.

 

 

Can you please point out where I blame her for my affair?

 

Nobody ever has to point it out. But you listed all the things wrong with HER. If you aren't blaming her, then maybe you can point to something wrong with you.

 

 

 

Seems that is a favorite saying of a BS against a WS. She (along with me) helped to create the atmosphere where my affair was possible.

 

helped to create the atmosphere? What atmosphere is that? Like I said, you pointed out all of her shortcomings. Where are yours?

 

If she only "helped", then it means that you helped create the atsmosphere too. So if all your pointing to how unattractive she is, how sex with her is boring, etc., all these things that you point the finger at her, then what did YOU do to "help" this "atmosphere"?

 

the atmosphere I see here is that you are repulsed by her.

 

 

"financially impacting your child argument is bunk" really caring that my child can do things is bunk?? I guess wanting good things for my child is "bunk".

 

Thats what child support is for. I pay it, so can you.

 

 

Believe what you want but your wrong in what you have posted.

 

Ok then, prove me wrong. Just what IS the "atmosphere" and how did YOU "help" contribute to it. Because I get the feeling that you think you are perfect, attractive, good in bed, and only you are in hell here.

[pkn06002]

Oh after reading all kinds of stuff into my post you want me to "prove" things you Dexter? For some reason I don't think you would ever believe my proof.

 

I never said those things were her short comings now did I? If you disagree point it out. I said my expectations of a partner have been raised from the time I meet my wife. Please read again where I said my expectations for a partner were pretty low when I meet her.

 

I am far from perfect etc... etc.... I will admit I played a big part in where I am now. I keep quite when I no longer wanted to play the role my wife was happy with me playing. I very much hid the real me for a long time because I was already in the marriage. Instead of saying anything I stayed quite (got resentful) and eventually took the easy way to be happy. Which as it turns out was not so easy.

 

Is my wife upset? Oh I know she is. But this is one time I am just not feeling empathy for someone. I should for her and I don't know why I am not.

 

Child support? Sorry that will not allow my child to have the life she is used to. I will also say I am selfish in the fact I want to see my child every day.

 

So there you go Dexter I am sure you will have fun with the information above.

[2sunny]

i'm going to be blunt. some (not all) of your approach is VERY selfish.

 

i suggest individual counseling. your attitude and appreciation could turn things around with your W and put the OW in proper perspective.

 

do you have this narcissistic tendencies towards everything in your life? i'm wondering.

 

it will take some hard work to get a different perspective though. are you willing to do that hard work? if not, then just divorce your wife now and let her find happiness - because she does deserve it... even if you come to the conclusion that you can't possibly figure it out for yourself... she still deserves it.

 

play fair.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh after reading all kinds of stuff into my post you want me to "prove" things you Dexter? For some reason I don't think you would ever believe my proof.

 

I never said those things were her short comings now did I?

 

so you point out the shortcomings and just because you didn't come right out and say it, it didn't happen?, ok:confused:

 

 

I said my expectations of a partner have been raised from the time I meet my wife.

 

And now thats your wife doesn't meet your new found standards, they are her shortcomings.

 

 

 

Child support? Sorry that will not allow my child to have the life she is used to. I will also say I am selfish in the fact I want to see my child every day.

 

So if your wife decides to divorce you, and rightfully so, you going to say she is selfish because of that same reason?

[pkn06002]

i'm going to be blunt. some (not all) of your approach is VERY selfish.

 

i suggest individual counseling. your attitude and appreciation could turn things around with your W and put the OW in proper perspective.

 

do you have this narcissistic tendencies towards everything in your life? i'm wondering.

 

it will take some hard work to get a different perspective though. are you willing to do that hard work? if not, then just divorce your wife now and let her find happiness - because she does deserve it... even if you come to the conclusion that you can't possibly figure it out for yourself... she still deserves it.

 

play fair.

 

It is hard to not sound selfish when you are looking for help for your self now isn't it? I can only give my perspective on how I see the situation and I very much deal in black and white ways of looking at things. Which folks (like yourself) do view as narcissistic and self centered. But in my life I very much put myself second to everyone else's needs and wants. I do make sure the everyone has what they need before I do something. Which I will admit does make me resentful at times.

 

You folks are not the only ones that have suggested I just divorce. Friends have said the same thing. But for reasons I have stated (child, money) I am resisting that answer for now. But maybe that is a usless fight and I should just move that direction and get on with life.

[2sunny]

now your use of the phrase "lack of empathy" is jumping at me...

 

i'm just pointing out things based on the info given...

[pkn06002]

so you point out the shortcomings and just because you didn't come right out and say it, it didn't happen?, ok:confused:

 

Reading comprehension needs some work since you are applying answer to one set of questions to different questions. Sorry does not work that way. Seems you are applying a particular personal bias to my answers.

 

And now thats your wife doesn't meet your new found standards, they are her shortcomings.

 

Sorry not "new found standards" those were the old standards before the relationship right before my wife. I just went back (before the affair) to those standards. They are not her short comings those are a list of things I would prefer in a partner. Here is a bit of info for you, when we first meet she DID most of those items I have listed.

 

So if your wife decides to divorce you, and rightfully so, you going to say she is selfish because of that same reason?

 

No that would be her decision not mine. Shocker people can have different opinions on the same subject, therefore coming to a different conclusion.

[pkn06002]

now your use of the phrase "lack of empathy" is jumping at me...

 

i'm just pointing out things based on the info given...

 

Feel free any and all help is appreciated.

 

I care about my wife but not how a husband should care. But I just cannot feel how hurt she is at this point, know that I really don't love her, yet I know she loves me. I feel bad but not that empathy you would expect.

 

Well I am leaving for the weekend, I will check back Monday.

[sadintexas]

You said "I care about my wife but not how a husband should care."

 

I think that pretty much sums it up. You are getting a lot of harsh responses here, and I don't like the argumentative tone of some of them, but there is truth in what they say. By your own admission you are not happy with your wife and cannot love her the way a man should love a woman. That speaks volumes. It isn't fair to either one of you to continue on in this manner.

 

The issues you have on why you don't want to leave are valid, but also selfish if you use those reasons to stay in a loveless marriage. If you have given all the effort you personally can into rebuilding the marriage and making it work, and finding happiness with your wife and you feel the way you do now, then the answer is clear to me. It's time to move on and adjust to the sacrifices that will have to be made.

 

I personally don't think it matters who is at fault, who has contributed what failures to the relationship, what your expectations are now, etc., the point is that a person is only capable of giving what they personally can to make it work. You have a responsibility to discuss this frankly with your wife and give each of you the chance to find happiness together. If you have done all that you can in that respect, then it's time to go. To do anything different would be unfair to you both.

 

And just to speak on the issue of narcissism, to which I have plenty of experience as my xH was a full blown malignant narcissist...if the posters on this thread think OP is a narcissist (which I am not implying OP is in the least, just playing devil's advocate), then why oh why would you even try to reason with him? That's just a waste of everyone's time. If he is, he will leave, his wife will likely find happiness and love again, and he will continue on a path of self destruction. A narcissist is empty inside and cannot find joy and love within himself, much less another person. I don't see this in OP, just confusion.

[2sunny]

SiT - re: narcissism

 

the reason why i pointed it out was based on a few things he said. i can only go off of what he has presented so really he is the only one who knows.

 

was only trying to bring it to his attention for consideration and fairness if he is to be truthful with himself about making a decision about whether to stay in the M or go.

 

to the OP - PKN -

 

as far as trying to decipher your post and working off of your clarification... for me - i believe the first words thrown out there are the truest feelings you have. when a poster tries to go back and justify or explain further is not GENERALLY their truest feelings... but i am willing to keep an open mind to clarifications you may want to present, even if they contradict themselves (which they normally do).

[Angel1111]

I totally understand where you're at with all of this but you're going to get a lot of negative feedback here because most people can't accept the fact that affairs aren't always one-sided. That, as you say, the BS can set up the atmosphere for that and then behave like the victim, with complete shock and blame toward their partner. You know your circumstances and you know why you did what you did.

 

I also understand your rationale about your child but you'll find that you're doing yourself and your child a huge disservice by centering your life around her. It just doesn't work. You have too many years ahead of you that could be spent in a much better relationship. Your daughter deserves to have happy parents and I doubt she'd want you to sacrifice your life for her.

 

Divorce isn't fun but a dead or bad marriage is the decayed tooth that must be pulled. You are not going to fix your marriage. You're just going through the motions and one day you're going to blow a fuse and realize that you can't take it anymore. Life is too short, hon. The shelf life on your marriage has expired. Face facts and move on - for you, for her, for your child.

[frannie]

You folks are not the only ones that have suggested I just divorce. Friends have said the same thing. But for reasons I have stated (child, money) I am resisting that answer for now. But maybe that is a usless fight and I should just move that direction and get on with life.

 

I think the fact that you're resisting what you know is the logical conclusion to all this, is probably making your feelings towards your wife more negative. If you feel yourself stuck in this situation (because of priorities you yourself have made: children, finances), then you're bound to begin to feel resentment towards the woman you feel 'stuck' with..?

 

But I don't really see any way around this. From what you've written, you and everyone, including the children, would be better off (though not financially perhaps) if you divorced. However, unlike some on the thread I completely see how you don't want to impact them financially and of course they will be impacted. However, I would ask whether it is more important that they see a healthy pattern of adult relationship, and two happy parents, rather than they have those material things that they may well miss out on post-divorce?

 

It's all a question of priorities.

[Dexter Morgan]

Reading comprehension needs some work since you are applying answer to one set of questions to different questions. Sorry does not work that way. Seems you are applying a particular personal bias to my answers.

 

I suppose you could say I am putting a personal "bias" on my answers seeing as how when I was married, my wife gained alot of weight. not exactly the epitome of attractiveness, but I loved her and wouldn't have dreamed of stepping out on her.

 

And it amazes me that you can't see that you are putting all this on her.

[Dexter Morgan]

I totally understand where you're at with all of this but you're going to get a lot of negative feedback here because most people can't accept the fact that affairs aren't always one-sided. That, as you say, the BS can set up the atmosphere for that and then behave like the victim, with complete shock and blame toward their partner.

 

Funny you should say that, because that is what he, as a WS, is doing with regards to his wife.

[pkn06002]

Again with the I am blaming my wife?

 

What you figure you repeat the lie enough it becomes truth?

[Dexter Morgan]

Again with the I am blaming my wife?

 

What you figure you repeat the lie enough it becomes truth?

 

Then by all means, keep up with your denial, stay in a marriage with someone you don't care about, and keep up with your mental abuse of her staying in the marriage for the wrong reasons.

[pkn06002]

Then by all means, keep up with your denial, stay in a marriage with someone you don't care about, and keep up with your mental abuse of her staying in the marriage for the wrong reasons.

 

Well finally a real post of an opinion based on the information I have supplied.

 

You make a very valid point, one I have been thinking over a lot.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well finally a real post of an opinion based on the information I have supplied.

 

You make a very valid point, one I have been thinking over a lot.

 

You mean you are thinking about divorce?

[pkn06002]

You mean you are thinking about divorce?

 

Dude I have been since this past February. There is a reason I know the financial and emotional impacts it will have I have looked into them. I have done the financial numbers and read the impacts of low conflict marriage divorce on children.

 

This is not a off the cuff discussion.

 

Everyone here (including you) have given very valid reasons for divorcing, which I agree with. I just have to get into a mind set where that is an actual possibility. Because like I posted at first the more I detox from the affair the more I am just not happy with my marriage. Yes it has good and bad parts but being unhappy most of the time just sucks. But I also do not want to destroy other peoples lives for me to be "happy". At least at this point I can't. That maybe the ultimate selfish thinking also, but it is where I am at right now.

[Dexter Morgan]

Everyone here (including you) have given very valid reasons for divorcing, which I agree with. I just have to get into a mind set where that is an actual possibility. Because like I posted at first the more I detox from the affair the more I am just not happy with my marriage. Yes it has good and bad parts but being unhappy most of the time just sucks. But I also do not want to destroy other peoples lives for me to be "happy".

 

What about your wife's happiness?

[pkn06002]

What about your wife's happiness?

 

My wife states she is "happy" as things stand, did not even know there were issues until I told her. Obviously there is a HUGE disconnect between what I view as "happy" and what she does.

 

I know I am the only person that can my myself "happy", but the actions that make me happy are ones that make my wife "unhappy". So in the long run one of us is going to be "unhappy" so the other person can be "happy".

 

So I guess the question is do I really want to live for someone else's "happiness"? Right now I would say no to that question. That is one of the big problems of an affair it shows you what you are missing, things you are better off not knowing.

[frannie]

I know I am the only person that can my myself "happy", but the actions that make me happy are ones that make my wife "unhappy". So in the long run one of us is going to be "unhappy" so the other person can be "happy".

 

So I guess the question is do I really want to live for someone else's "happiness"? Right now I would say no to that question. That is one of the big problems of an affair it shows you what you are missing, things you are better off not knowing.

 

I can completely understand where you're coming from here. This is the question facing many MM who are unhappy at home and want to leave, but don't want to put those who depend on them through unhappiness and difficulties just so THEY can be happy.

 

Don't you wonder why other people can't see that?

 

The reason is, that you're looking at things from a somewhat skewed way (imho). You're thinking that your 'sacrifice' can save other people and somehow if you hold it all together, despite your feelings that you should leave, they will benefit. But when other people look at your situation they can see that your unhappiness leads to your not being the husband or father you could be. And that's not a criticism of your abilities (well, not from me its not anyway!). It's simply to say that, feeling as you do, you should leave. For everyone's sake. Simply: your W doesn't want a H who truly feels the way you do, and your child doesn't want a father to be unhappy for her sake. That's way too much to put on a child.

 

It's not about your happiness vs. theirs. If you can't be happy with what you have, you owe it to everyone to make changes. If you stay, you're screwing people up. You can't pretend and make it all go away.

[Meaplus3]

I have been reading on this site of a while after visiting other sites that are not a helpful to people that have strayed. The opinions here seem less based in emotions and more just here is deal which I like and seems to make for better discussions. So I am hoping everyone here can help me out a bit.

 

I had a LTA (3+ years) that ended several months ago (last saw her 6 months ago, last conversation 4 months ago), still have the withdrawals a bit from the OW etc... But the depression of losing that relationship has passed (thank God) and I am more in just that nagging craving stage, which I can ignore. My wife does know about the affair I confessed months back about it. We have gone to MC several times.

 

The problem I am having is this.

 

I know that WS rewrite their marriage to justify their affair, I never really did that. I never stated that I NEVER loved my wife or any of that nonsense. I just knew I was unhappy with how I felt about my marriage before my affair ever started. Along came the OW and like a lot of stories it became the best and worst relationship I have ever had. I could've walked away at multiple times but I did not because I did like how I felt when I talked to OW. Yes I know all about the love drugs etc... I knew about all of that even before I went into the affair. Which makes the feelings I had for the OW all that much more intense.

 

Anyway the affair is now over and NC is in place. The withdrawls continue and the fog continues to lift, but the more this continues the worse I feel about the state of my marriage. My wife is trying very hard to make the marriage somewhere I want to stay vs. the willing to stay. At one time I very much was in love with my wife but now I don't feel anything for her. The more she tries the more is makes me upset, since I don't feel the same. I am very much going back to the state of mind right before I had my affair, which is not good. But there are things missing from my marriage that just cannot be addressed.

 

I am starting to realize why I married my wife in the first place. My friends always commented I jumped into the marriage quickly, I ignored it at the time. But when I meet my wife I was and emotional wreak from a previous relationship and my expecations for a partner were pretty low. Plus I was at that age where everyone around me was getting married and I did not want to be the only one not. My wife meet those low expectations but after my affair my expecations have gone up to what they normally were before I meet my wife.

 

So now I have a marriage where I don't love my wife, like a husband should. Divorce is not something I am interested because I love my child and finacially it would effect us all badly. But I am just not happy in a relationship with my wife, I am not attracted to her at all physically or mentally. I go home to see our child and I fake the rest with my wife.

 

So how to cope with this any suggestions?

 

We have tried the marriagebuilders ideas (Yes stay way from the forum if you are a WS) those are working for her but not on me.

 

IMO, you really should try MC and see if you can get that love back. If not than I tend to think it will do you more harm than good to stay in a loveless marriage. Your child will pick up on this fact and your child looks up to you as a role model in relationships. So, If you can not fix this by means of counseling and communication than your best bet is to leave. Just my thoughts. Good luck to you.

 

AP:)