jonnybananas Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 well i've posted on this site before but this is my first time under the "other man/woman" forum. so heres my story hopefully i can get some help because im currently lost and confused... the girl im seeing claims to be totally in love with me. she has already declared her mind, body, heart, and soul to be mine. we are perfect for one another and we have dated a bit over the past 6 months but it never worked out due to the simple reason that she is deathly afraid of being involved with me. she has a bad past of men letting her down and hurting her. not just romatically but her father and step father have burned her numerous times. this girl and i are like peas in a pod as some would say. we are perfect for one another. our goals, morals, personalties, sense of humor, etc, etc, etc, wokr out perfectly. we dated and she took off once and came back a few weeks later claiming she needed me in her life because i am the only person who understands her and treats her right. we also have a physical relationship which rivals any she or i have ever had before. most people would assume we make that perfect couple and have a love that makes most people want to vomit. seems easy right? not so much. she tells me daily she loves me and that we are soulmates. i get a decent amount of women but i brush most of them off because this girl is the one for me. deep down i feel like she feels the same way. we talk constantly...yet she has another man in her life. she met him when we took a break from one another and they grew into a relationship. she talks to him daily but she talks to me hourly. she doesnt sleep with him or want anything long term with him. she claims he is "easy to be with" because she knows he cannot hurt her because she doesnt have strong feelings for him or love him. they have a good time together and he is very nice to her. she tells me that she is afraid of being involved with me because she knows if i wanted to i could really hurt her like so many men have in the past. she knows i have the power the break her down and tear her heart out. although her and i both know i would never do such a thing. she sees me as out of her league. i have stuck by her side even through this and i tell her on a regular basis that i dont see that as true and i would never ever break her heart or hurt her. she barely speaks to her bf because she has school and he lives an hour away and puts a lot of time into his job. we call/text constantly throughout the day. i know she couldnt get by without me and vica versa. i came here because i dont really know what to do. i believe when she says we are soulmates and i called her out on the whole "he is good to me and i know he cant hurt me because my feelings arent in it" and she came clean and admitted this to me. i love her and know she loves me (which i guess is very different from most "other guy/girl" relationships). where does a guy go from here? she tries to meet up for sex, making out sessions, or just spending time together. we hardly see one another (mostly because i tell her i refuse because i will not sleep with her while she has a boyfriend) but we did see one another a few days ago and i physically felt her heart about to beat out of her chest. i asked her about it and she said its because i make her so incredibly nervous that she gets anxiety over seeing me. i am truely in love with her and i believe she is the one....deep down i think she feels the same way. i think i have more than proved that i am good boyfriend material with no history of cheating or being a heartbreaker that might influence her feelings or make her think i would hurt her. but i do understand where she is coming from based on her history. she told me in reagrds to him, "when youre feelings arent in it....you dont need to worry about getting hurt.". i tried cutting ties with her because of the pain i caused me (and her) but i couldnt keep away. she couldnt either. without her in my life i feel lonely and strange and i know she feels the same way. any advice on how to win over the girl who loves me and is with someone else? im somewhat frantic and anxious because such a situation is new/weird for me because i consider myself knowledgeable about women and relationships but this is a first for me. anything at all would be a big help. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 You have done everything humanly possible to win her over at this point. Continuing on this path would be insane (the definition being of course.. doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). Having been OW many, many times and having been the 'cheat' many times I can tell you this. When it comes to the whole soulmates thing, you have to have selective hearing if the person you are with is involved with someone else. Go back and read what you wrote. This is what you are hearing: she tells me daily she loves me and that we are soulmates. i get a decent amount of women but i brush most of them off because this girl is the one for me. deep down i feel like she feels the same way. we talk constantly...yet she has another man in her life. she met him when we took a break from one another and they grew into a relationship. she talks to him daily but she talks to me hourly. she doesnt sleep with him or want anything long term with him. she claims he is "easy to be with" because she knows he cannot hurt her because she doesnt have strong feelings for him or love him. they have a good time together and he is very nice to her. she tells me that she is afraid of being involved with me because she knows if i wanted to i could really hurt her like so many men have in the past. With selective hearing it sounds something like this: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah she has another man in her life blah blah blah blah blah blah ad nauseam Regardless of her excuses, that is all they are: excuses. Strip away the good intentions and you see the road to hell underneath that they were paving. You tried everything you could, and now it is time to put the ball in her court. You have to walk away. Solidly - as in, "as long as you have another man in your life I will not be a part of it", and then go to as dark of a 'no contact' as you are able. Trust me on this: it is the only way to knock her off the fence. Disregard all of that "I'm afraid" BS. If she wants to be with you, she will take the steps to do that, including figuring out how to overcome her "afraid" feelings that are keeping her from committing fully to you. You can't make her come to you. You can't make her not be "afraid". You can't make her want to commit to you. What you can do is shut the door, and walk away. If she wants to be with you, she will bust her ass trying to pry that door back open, and she will do it on your terms. If she doesn't, then she will walk away herself, and you will know then the extent of her feelings for you: that she was perfectly willing to take your handouts, but wasn't particularly interested in putting forth any real effort to when the time came to it. It won't be easy, but it is make it or break it time. May as well be the one with the upper hand. Perhaps your personal strength and conviction will draw her to you, more than being submissive and trying to beg her back in. Link to post Share on other sites
DealingWDrama Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Sounds like you really have "it" bad for this girl...I think I read you have only been dating for about 6 months and she already has another guy on the side because of "feelings" and her fear of being hurt. Love, real love, is all about allowing yourself to be hurt...giving the other person the power to hurt you is scary, but it is worth it! I say, if she isn't in it for love, get the heck out of town! Move on....the wounds will heal in time and you will find another woman out there who is willing to hand you her heart and soul....words are only words...watch her actions to see how and what she is really "feeling"! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 It sounds like at this point in her life, due to her past, her age, school, whatever - she is only interested in casual relationships. With you, and with her boyfriend. The reasons she is giving you dont add up to the fact that she is dating two men. If she was truly IN LOVE with you and felt you were her life's soulmate romantically - she would at least not be calling someone else her boyfriend. All this only means that right now, she isn't looking for a committed relationship. Maybe just bad timing. Or, she is trying to gently let you know that although she loves having you in her life, she considers her boyfriend more like her partner. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 any advice on how to win over the girl who loves me and is with someone else Then she doesn't love you. I see two options - continue as you are or make a change. In reality, you have done everything you can do. And, for whatever reason, she isn't ready or available to reciprocate your advances. So I would change. Date others. I would continue to see her though, but expand your dating horizons. You may find a connection with a woman who is ready and reciprocates. My .02 Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Is this other guy a friend of hers or are they sleeping together? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Jonny. Unfortunately there is no way to "win" someone's heart. Either they give it to you freely or they dont. It sounds like she has big issues and is a bit of a wounded bird. That is not her fault but your role is not that of a therapist. You deserve to be with someone who is not afraid of loving someone and being loved back. So long as she is in this push pull avoidance syndrome the dance will continue as it is. The fact that she is seeing someone else speaks volumes. Dont be a cuckold. Dont stand there and wait for her to see what a great guy you are. Get angry get strong. Walk away. Youve had this for 6 months? Enough is enough. If she isnt able to see that you are sincere and well meaning it means the timing is wrong. Be the one who got away. If its meant to be, she will come back, ready to be with you and you alone. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 OP, I know this path well. It is a path of incompatibility. You can be "soulmates" and be incompatible. She has issues within herself which make her incompatible with you. You can't fix that. She's with this other guy because it's convenient and that works for her. I call it the path of least resistance. Your path is elsewhere. Acknowledge your feelings, respect the potential that you discovered (it says a lot about you) and continue on. A compatible woman will want to be with you, not create scenarios and reasons for her actions otherwise. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 As JJ said there is no way to win someones heart. If she has someone else in her life then how can she be in love with you? She can't. If I were you, I would not waste your time. You deserve someone who is just for YOU. I know it might be tough to let go.. but really do it now.. and save yourself a ton of heartbreak. Best wishes. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonnybananas Posted October 20, 2008 Author Share Posted October 20, 2008 wow thanks to all of you for the replies. i wasnt really expecting so much help. well let me clarify first. we have been talking for 6 months but this scenario has only gone on for the last month or so. in response to one of the replies....she is not sleeping with him. she refuses to do any such thing with him yet she literally begs me to meet up for sex on a regular basis. everytime i walk away and create a strict no contact (ignoring IMs, text, calls) she is relentless and tries everything o get me back. i have caved in before after holding strong because....well....i love her (i know, stupid thing to do right?). and the point about "the path of least resistance" makes a whole lot of sense. her situation with him is just what it is. simple, easy, and she has no fears of him. he barely knows her. she refuses to let him in and in turn makes him a friend who she goes on private dates with that dont end in sex or any sort of long meaningful talks. instead she gets home and calls me and we can talk for hours. we have our own kind of date i guess. i guess most of the responses are correct. i cant win her back and to be honest ive stopped trying. i still talk to her and i just act like myself. the guy she "loves". if she doesnt want to be with me then its something im dealing with. if she is with him because she can have all the comforts of a man in her life without the possibility of getting hurt then i guess there is nothing left to do because we both know that her feelings for me leave her vulnerable and open to heartbreak and possible sadness. i guess where we are is all we will ever be. stuck in limbo of possible love that she is continually afraid of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonnybananas Posted October 20, 2008 Author Share Posted October 20, 2008 forgot to add this in the last post.... a problem i have is somewhat stranger here. this girl doesnt see herself as "qualified" to be with me. she thinks im too good looking, too smart, too funny, too kind, too fun....she doesnt deem herself as worthy and i believe this leads her to think i will eventually break her heart. she thinks i should be with someone who has all these qualities to offer me in return....although in my heart and in my eyes i think she is the only one who can. maybe she cant see it, but i can. but to her she see's the only posibility is me having my time with her and eventually leaving her for some "superwoman" who she doesnt believe she can be. she also doesnt think she deserves happiness. this is my own observation. she has been denied happiness by the people who are supposed to bring us happiness unconditionally from the day we are born. this being family. she has been denied joy and happiness from her birth father and now her step father. even seeing how poorly her step father treats her mother. she doesnt see that she deserves to be happy. ugh....whenever i think i figure this out, i end up more confused then when i started. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Walked this path. Pain and frustration resulted. How old are you? Anyway, for me, the path lasted a quarter century. Try a different path Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 She has SO much baggage and this is a road to trouble. You seem to be taking the weight of her baggage, to try and work out what's going on in her head....instead, you should leave her to it, and go NC. That's the only way to find out how she really feels about you, but if she doesn't get in touch with an 'i'm single, please be my boyfriend'...just don't go there. It's all excuses that you're hearing-bottom line is the same. She has a boyfriend, she doesnt want you to be her boyfriend, and she'll keep coming back to you despite thefact that she KNOWS it hurts you, and that its unfair on you. I know how confusing this must be, as I have an ex like this who has pretty much acted this way for the last 1.5yrs (girlfriend, no girlfriend, whatever, he wants way more than friendship but doesnt seem the type to be able to make a R work, so Lucrzia Borgia says...I dont take him seriously and I engage the selective hearing with him!) Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
konfuzd Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 I'd bet her bf doesn't know she's meeting up with you for sex. What makes you think she's not lying to you, too? How long do you think this dude will stick around if it's true she's not sleeping with him? (which I don't believe for an instant). A girl wo wants to have a bf with a soulmate (FWB) on the side, doesn't really sound like the best catch to me. If you do want her all to yourself, you have to give her an ultimatum. He goes or you go, and you have to stick with it, even if it means changing your number & e-mail address. She may think she has the right to treat you like a doormat, but it's up to you whether you accept that or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonnybananas Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 thanks for all the insight everyone. it makes this much easier for me. she may very well be lying about having sex with just me. its very possible. im giving her the benefit of the doubt because i know her sexual past is quite limited. (2 long term bfs and me). who knows, that may be a lie as well. but until proven otherwise ill roll with it. i tried no contact once. maybe 2 weeks or so (cant recall exactly now that i think about it). i ignored her IMs, text, calls, and she persisted (begging, pleading, crying). one night i caved. this leads us to where i am now. i dont think ill dive into no contact....but i may make myself scarce for a bit. we talk constantly and i may slowly get out of that habit. let her miss me. let her miss having me by her side. let her see what life without me is like. in time maybe i can get comfortable enough to have no contact. but who knows... Link to post Share on other sites
DealingWDrama Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 i dont think ill dive into no contact....but i may make myself scarce for a bit. we talk constantly and i may slowly get out of that habit. let her miss me. let her miss having me by her side. let her see what life without me is like. in time maybe i can get comfortable enough to have no contact. but who knows... Sounds like you are still playing games and trying to 'win' ... in the 'game' of love there are no rules, but there are also no right and wrongs...it's simply what will you or are you willing to accept as terms of a relationship??? Don't allow yourself to settle - your single ... be happy! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 Jonny, I was with a woman for a quarter century who had "issues" and phobia's with roots stretching back years before we met, stretching into her childhood. It took 25 years for those "issues" plus others to destroy 1/2 my life (and Im sure hers). She had no interest in facing them. Please get her to sort out her "stuff" before getting more emotionally involved than you already are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonnybananas Posted October 27, 2008 Author Share Posted October 27, 2008 ugh....so this isnt getting any easier... i know by now that no contact is the best way to go. i get it. but everytime i try to put my mind to it i back off. i know this would force her to make a real decision over who she wants in her life, but at the same time i know she doesnt think she is good enough for me or worthy of me, so if i split i know she will look at it as if i realized i was out of her league and she would not come back even if she realizes i am the one for her. we spent a day together last week. the first time we really hung out for more than just an hour. everything was perfect. that chemistry was back and in full force in an instant. still trying .... Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 I hate to break it to you but youre too good for me is a nice way of letting you down easily. I dont want to be too blunt but you need to hear it. It doesnt matter WHY she is choosing the other guy. The fact of the matter is, she is. And so long as you are willing to play second fiddle to this guy she will let you. You are doing the romantic hero thing. Going after the girl with persistance. But this isnt the movies. If she cant see that you are the guy for her, its in your best interest to walk away. If you are meant to be, she will be back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonnybananas Posted October 27, 2008 Author Share Posted October 27, 2008 hey jj33....i know youre right. sometimes i just get stupid and convince myself otherwise. you couldnt possibly be more correct though. love is a funny thing. it gets you to somehow make excuses for someone you know shouldnt be excused. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 We all do that. Just look at the other posts. If it makes you feel better you are not alone. The problem is the only one you hurt is yourself. It doesnt feel like that at the time, but that is how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonnybananas Posted October 27, 2008 Author Share Posted October 27, 2008 the thing that makes it so difficult is that she treats me like the boyfriend and him like "the other man". we talk/text constantly. she barely texts him and they talk only a few times per week. she drives in to visit me, she sees him some weekends whens he comes home to see family. thats what makes me second guess myself and make excuses. its not like she spends time or effort on him at all. in fact she barely gives him any time or effort...all while pouring attention on me. it would be soooo much easier if she treated me the way she treats him, and treated him the way she treats me. i would feel unwanted and crappy which makes giving up on the situation and moving on much easier. well at least im in the process of getting my head straight and realizing the problem at hand. two weeks ago my head was spinning and as of today its stopped spinning....although im still upset and a bit sad, i realize that this situation is what it is, and if she wanted to be with me she would be. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Doesnt matter how she treats him or SAYS she treats him. What matters is she is not making you number 1 and is still seeing him. I know its difficult... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts