LikeCharlotte Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 I wanted to come update here in the LDR section for sometime but I haven't been able to articulate my thoughts. For reference this is my story thus far: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155917/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162916/ or here for my replies to that thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162970/ So, despite my fears and questions I went to visit. I was there for 11 days and having never been outside of the US I was very anxious to go. I had no idea what to expect so I tried not to expect anything. There was plenty of holding back, quelling nervousness and general skiddishness on my part. Honestly, the more things were going well the more I acted strangely. I tried to control it and I am not sure if it was apparent. Still, I have no regrets about any of it and overall it was really really great. I confirmed everything I thought to be true about him and I learned more about him than I expected to in such a short time. In fact, I learned lots about myself and my motivations. I don't know why I spent the whole time hanging onto my emotions so tightly but I did and at least one point during the visit that was my undoing. I have such a hard time being vulnerable. At times I simply can't be seen as weak in any way. I choke. I am defensive. I am not saying that I am like this all the time. It is just that I can be. These are things that I don't like about myself. These are things that I see very well now...again. I can rationalize my reasons and actions but the truth is that I was just too scared. It was hard to leave but I am practiced in the art of blocking things out and not showing emotion when I feel upset. I practically ran away from him when he told me he was getting sad (in other words) before I got on my plane. I just distracted myself until I was on the plane back to NY. The take-off was delayed and I sat in the plane looking at the airport for 45 minutes wishing that we would just leave because I wanted to cry. Finally I was tearing up and then full on crying. The tough girl melted in seat K-15. I think the man behind me thought I was insane. Belive me when I say that I would have loved to have told LS all the wonderful things about my visit immediatly! I just needed to think it all through. I didn't know what to think or do afterward. I know I said that I tried not to expect anything but the fact is I did. I expected to enjoy a strange little vacation to a far away place. I expected to find all kinds of things about him that annoyed me. I expected to come home free of my little fantasy and moving on with things as planned. What do you do when you fully expect to be disapointed and you aren't? What then?!? What do you do when you actually want someone you can't really have in any conventional sence? How can I make any rational decisions after only 14 days total in actual physical contact? Do I run? Do I continue? I paniked for hours after I hit ground. There was a moment where I considered never speaking to him again for my own sanity but the moment passed. I missed him terribly for days when I came home. I saw how hard continuing would be. It wasn't him or my idea of him that wasn't real (as I had assumed), instead it was that I had no real sence of what an LDR means. I had no reference point. I was simply ignorant. Once I understood what I was getting into it scared me even more. After thinking it through I see that my fear of it can only hold me back. What is the worst that could happen? It doesn't work out in some way. Right? Well, that could happen with anyone anywhere. It's happened quite a few times already. I am going to continue because when I weigh the positive with the negative; when I consider the options; when I look at it from any angle; I still think that he's great and I want more.
sailing Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 Hmm.. LikeCharlotte, I distinctly remember asking you not to become a robot, and what you've just described is the reason why. I know it's not easy when self-preservation kicks in as an instinct. My problem with the ice queen stance is that for me it's more of a panic freeze; it doesn't really protect me from anything anyway. On the contrary, more often than not it leads to misunderstandings, hurt and hungry hippo regret. I'll leave it to the wiser posters to come up with constructive advice; I wouldn't want to goad you on to offer your heart up on a silver platter just as an experiment. But if you're just going to stifle your feelings - what have you gained? I miss London
strongertoday Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 oh hun..... NOWHERE can I read that long distance relationships are great, fun or stress free.....they are terrible and hard and in lots of cases worth every minutes pain for the minutes of joy. No point in hardening your heart or holding back or getting defensive. If you want this man, want to give it a try then you owe it to him to show him the REAL you. Showing him this side of yourself is kinda self-sabotaging. Easy to say I know but try and relax and enjoy....if this is going to work it might be a long ride.....HUGS
Author LikeCharlotte Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Hmm.. LikeCharlotte, I distinctly remember asking you not to become a robot, and what you've just described is the reason why. I've had a long hard road to come to a place where I can feel things without becoming a robot and for me it can be very overwhelming. I was still much better than I have been in the past but dealing with some new feelings I guess I just defaulted to old habits. I remember your warning and although I don't regret anything I do wish I had kept it in the forefront of my mind. It might have helped relax me a bit more to remember that I had already delt with new and uncomfortable feelings relating to this situation. I know it's not easy when self-preservation kicks in as an instinct. My problem with the ice queen stance is that for me it's more of a panic freeze; it doesn't really protect me from anything anyway. On the contrary, more often than not it leads to misunderstandings, hurt and hungry hippo regret.I love that you call it the ice queen stance because I was deemed that in my past but as I said I worked very hard to get passed that. You are correct, it is a freeze - self preservation learned from traumatic events and it doesn't save me from anything. Even knowing that; somehow I have trouble with it each time it comes up. What frightens me is that I found it easier to conquer those freeze up moments with new feelings in the very recent past. I am a little afraid that I might be a tad shell shocked from my last experience and am now regressing. I wish I knew a way to talk myself out of it when it happens. I know how destructive it can be. Thank you for getting my quote - it is there for exactly that point. I'll leave it to the wiser posters to come up with constructive advice; I wouldn't want to goad you on to offer your heart up on a silver platter just as an experiment. But if you're just going to stifle your feelings - what have you gained?I don't even think I am capable of offering my heart on a platter but ideally I would like to know that I could - and that if I wanted to it would be a real choice and not that I do not because by default I cannot. It's been a long journey for me to get to a place where I can trust enough to have an intimate relationship at all. I am going to start working on letting go of my fear again so that if and when I do offer my heart I can be confident that I will not withdraw every time I feel something that is new or scary. I would love to believe that this situation will be what finally allows me to do that but it's just too soon to know. Either way I am getting perspective on myself and growing. That can't be bad. I miss London I miss what is there and I don't think I will ever forget it.
Author LikeCharlotte Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 oh hun..... NOWHERE can I read that long distance relationships are great, fun or stress free.....they are terrible and hard and in lots of cases worth every minutes pain for the minutes of joy.No truer words could be uttered. I honestly believe nothing truly great is gained without hard work and sacrifice. Thank you, it has been worth every minute and many more so far. I don't want to give the impression that I am at all unhappy or in anything less than complete awe that I can smile so often - I don't have words for how nice it is for me to feel appreciated, understood and adored. What's more, that I can give some of that back is very comforting. Damn, if I reduced the "joy" to the sex alone I'd go through all I have already and more! I could go on for weeks. Suffice to say I'm overall quite joyfull. No point in hardening your heart or holding back or getting defensive. If you want this man, want to give it a try then you owe it to him to show him the REAL you. Showing him this side of yourself is kinda self-sabotaging.What is upsetting is that the holding back has been part of who I am for so long that it is part of who the REAL me is. I could also go on and on about my past and self-sabotage when it comes to relationships. I know it is there and I won't let it do damage if I can avoid it. I really have come a long way from who I was to who I am and I don't want to behave that way anymore. I keep trying to overcome it and I know someday soon those things wll be in my past forever. I guess I am just impatient. Easy to say I know but try and relax and enjoy....if this is going to work it might be a long ride.....HUGSI will. I am sort of gald it might be a long ride because I still obviously have some work to do on me internally and externally and I need to do some of it slowly. Still, I wish we he was closer. It's hard being so far away. It's hard to know what is real sometimes. In most ways seeing him was good but it made the distance harder than I thought it could be. Thank you again.. for the hugs this time. I needed them!
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