signedin2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 So, what happened to the Russian woman? Did you actually meet up with her? What about your wife's fantasy? Has she full filled it behind your back? Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Getting on the right side of your mother if you are still living at home is vital to your financial well being. Mothers make 70% of regular payments or hand-outs to children.http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/1424044.stm http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/broadband/video/nb/sorry_s1ep3_4x3_nb.asx Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I say lay down the law Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I say lay down the law You will be such a cool dad. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Moose, I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be very hard to sit by and watch your children throw their lives down the toilet. I hope it is a passing thing. What you are facing today is probably a result of past mistakes. Don't feel bad about this. We all do it. No one is ever fully prepared for the challenges of parenting. We are, after all, humans and, by definition, fallible. Of course, children can not see this and are often very harsh critics when it comes to judging their parents. That is, until they become parents themselves. The time to set boundaries and discipline children is when they are very young, impressionable and malleable. It seems that in your case, as in most, a pattern has been set, attitudes have been shaped and this will be very hard to break. Not that it can not be done. I think that you can reverse whatever damage has been done. You already have,by your own admission and congratulations to you for that. Personally, I do not think kicking them out is the right thing to do. In the state they are in, it may lead to more serious problems if they were to find themselves on the street. Children should leave home when they have the resources to do so such a an education and a job. What most certainly needs to be done is to take a firmer stance. The games have to go, the car has to go,the same with internet service,their pocket money. Tell them so. Tell them they will be provided for but until they get their act together, either by going back to school or finding a job, all the rest have to go. Tell them that you love them, show it, be there for them but also be firm and try to win back their respect for you. Do not stand for disrespect. Wishing you luck, M Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Whew.... "Damn the torpedos" ....I like it....even if I wouldn't follow through with it....(the Mrs. Moose part).... But I'm willing to play the part long enough to get my point across...alas...this will have to wait until I have enough strength and time to put a strategy together.... Set your anger aside right now. Pull out your calendar and make the following appts. There is no rush.... the kids will still be in your house! 1. Night out with the wife (positive night out) and discuss the kids without blaming her... "what do you think we should do honey?" This is the time to "win" her over to your side. Cry if you need to (not kidding). You will have no success without her support in this matter. Tell her you cannot take it anymore you need her help (need - like the kids need her). Be smart and throw out your ideas with a "what do you think of this?" attached to each idea. She will stand behind your ideas if she thinks they are her own. (PA negotiations technique )... show her how much better her life will be once the kids get their crap together. (Exhausting already isn't it.... but stick with it) 2. Once decisions are made get out the calendar with the wife (your secret calendar only you and she share) Log the kids progress... ask her to put down anything that she finds neg or positive about the kids on a daily basis on this calender... C got a job..... J applied for job.... c and j both helped out.... c and j were complete asses. This way their is proof of their track record ( I suggest this because your wife seems to be wishy washy and no wishy washy if she is writing it down herself and keeping a log) Tell her the log is to show the kids later if they are not making progress..... (actually it is about her just as much when she changes her mind and says - but they aren't that bad!") 3. You and the wife decide on a plan and you both decide when to sit down with each child and discuss the plan.... also ask for the kids input - again making it their idea. (not that you really will let them do what they want but let them think that they are). "Well C we need to know what we need to do to help you get on your feet so you can become a independent adult" Do not lose your temper. Focus only on the goal and don't worry about swallowing your pride to get to it. Get these kids out of your house and make them into responsible citizens. If they call you an A-hole or are disrespectful during negotiations. Just state "I am sorry you feel that way about me, I only want the best for you." "So what do you suggest we should do?" Fire the youngster ASAP from the BBQ - this is your business and that should never be tolerated. Your customers don't appreciate that sort of rude behavior. This is a business decision not an emotional decision. If I had someone working like that for me...... well lets just say the BBQ might have a new flavor for a couple of weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
aquabat Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 If you never see your son unless he's going to the bathroom or getting food, it would be difficult to know for absolute certain he's not making any attempt at all to find a job. I'm surely not willing to stick up for him, as he sounds like a bit of a jerk, all employment issues aside. All I'm saying is that you should be sure he's as bad as you're (apparently) assuming he is before coming to conclusions. Maybe he's been browsing Craigslist for job listings and handling resumes online, or perhaps he's been using Monster.com to scour for employment. It'd be hard to tell if he was. I wouldn't recommend cutting off one of the few things he has to pass his time (being that WoW game), but I'm not a parent, either. It just seems like a bad option from an outside perspective. More controlling and condescending than healthily parental. Mature discussions, even one on one, would be a great way to feel things out, find things out for sure about the situation, and explain rationally that you're concerned about his current status while providing a direct outline on time-limitations for how long he can stay at the house. It's obvious you love your kids or you wouldn't be bothering to post wanting advice about them; it makes me sound like a hippy, but I'd recommend using that love to power your decisions and actions in regards to them both, rather than anger or frustration at the situation. As for the other one.. You gotta just be the boss when it comes to a work environment. Don't take anything from him you wouldn't from another employee, and maybe explain to him ahead of time that this is how it's going to be from then on. Just two cents from a newbie. I hope your situation eases itself. -AB. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 Oh boy....where do I start????!!! I have two adult children at home now. I have this feeling of ultimate failure as a parent. My eldest, J who is 20 years old stayed hom after High School to take a year off then start college. No problem.....I agreed that if he stayed in school or planned to go back school, I'd fit the bill. Took his year off, I helped him into a vehicle, got him a job, and a laptop to use for college. He went for a total of 4 months, and quit. He's still at home....says that he wants to pay his debts off before he moves out, but hasn't made any effort to find a good job. He's had part time jobs during the summer, but after that all he does is play WOW online...we never see him unless he's going to the bathroom or getting something to eat, I've been making the truck payments and insurance payments since. My second eldest, C is 18 works full time for my BBQ stand. He treats me in front of my employees with out right dis-respect, cuts me down, refuses to do what I ask him to do, not only at work, but at home as well....I feel partially to blame for my slip ups as his father in the past, but have cleaned my act up and turned a 180 more than a decade ago. He's lost all respect for me, and doesn't treat any adult with any kind of respect what so ever. Mrs. Moose doesn't feel like they are doing anything wrong, and she doesn't see why it's bother me so much. Until we had a blow out with C, and I was able to demonstrate to her how manipulative he can be. The other night, it was so clear to her, that she even told C to pack up his stuff, and get out herself.....I was TOTALLY SHOCKED!!!! Anyway, we get promises all the time that C will straighten up, and that J is looking for a better job.....a couple of days later, we're back to square 1..... I've had it....I'm totally fried....burned up, and I feel I shouldn't take anymore of this abuse. I feel like I should kick them out, out of love to show them JUST how good they have it now....sort of a reality check.... Does anyone else have adult children living at home without contributing to the greater good of the rest of the family? Tough. I don't have any kids. Left home when I was 18, went to college and never returned home except for short transitions when I moved and needed a place to stay. As far as contributing, all I ever did was mow the lawn, wash cars, clean bathrooms/tables and collect the trash. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 Moose, I would say that you should never let go of your children. Sometimes as Parents we have to Parent that bit longer .. Take your sons out by themselves and together and discuss one on one what is going on for them. They know what they should be doing. Find out what is blocking them from acting. As a Parent myself I have found that blocking their favourite channels on Sky TV to be most effective alongside other stratagies (extreme tactic - the removal of their bedroom door) .. but none closer to being vulnerable and expressing my love and concern for my children to them. This is what they want. This is what all children want. I am sur that they have great qualities in amongst their not so good ones. Be their Daddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 I would love to come back in 20 years and find out you have your middle aged children still living with you Link to post Share on other sites
Sks Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 In these current economic times, I don't see what's wrong with them staying assuming they do more then just lay around. Link to post Share on other sites
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