Finally I received the call I'd wished for for so long

[Zapbasket]

Last night, I received a phone call and nearly had a heart attack in the bookstore when I saw the number on my caller ID.

 

It was my ex, who I'd told myself would never, ever contact me.

 

He broke up with me in December 2006, after moving across the country to be with me. In response to periodic pleas on my part that we talk about what happened as I was soooo blindsided and confused, in February 2007 he sent me a very cruel e-mail, severing all ties, saying he has no obligation to talk to me, telling me to stop contacting him. It was condescending and cold.

 

In September 2007, after much agonizing that I"m sure some of you will remember (have a whole pages long thread devoted to the decision), I called him, and while he was pleasant, he was distant at the same time--I said it'd be good to see him sometime and he mumbled, "Yeah, maybe."

 

After that, I worked hard to accept that it was over. I met new people, went on dates, worked hard to change the parts of myself that I didn't like in our relationship, worked hard and advanced in my job, took up new hobbies...and eventually, back in January, met someone else and moved across the country to be with him just 7 weeks ago.

 

There has not been a day that I haven't thought about my ex. I have missed him, and a part of me still loves him very much. I still get sad thinking about his absence from my life. But, I vowed that I would never contact him. And I surmised that given how definite and cold he was to me at the end, he'd probably never contact me. Still, I have spied on him online periodically (bad, I know), and know that he's been single all this time.

 

And now he called me and I don't know what to do! He said he was calling to say "hi" and wanted to see "whether we could talk sometime in the near future."

 

So, fellow LS-ers, what do I do? And what could his motivations be for calling? I'm so afraid of getting hurt again...and it's just awful that he finally calls after I've moved from the city we both were living in...and thousands of miles away! Also, while I'm in this other relationship it's still new and I'm not sure what ultimately will happen between us. I love my current partner...but I would be lying if I said I didn't still miss my ex more often than not.

 

I'm going to be away from teh computer for the next hour but I'll be back after that and respond to people's replies.

 

It's so funny, too--I've been reading LS every day of late and noting how many people's exes were showing up out of the woodwork, never expecting my ex to end up being one of them.

 

I don't know what to do.

[CarrieT]

It sounds like you have moved on and seeing him again would only open up those old wounds. I would be polite and explain to him that after all this time, you are in a good and strong relationship, there is no point to re-hashing things, and that you would really prefer no contact.

 

Why continue to hurt yourself? Move forward and continue healing.

[Deegee]

Talk to him, but make it clear that you've moved on.

You've made positive changes in your life (kudos to you!), and are a changed person now. Sometimes people come in and out of our lives for a reason. I think you should be fair to this new person, and give him a chance, afterall, he deserves it. And if you feel like you need to pursue your ex- then be honest about it.

But I don't feel like this new relationship is something casual, is it? I mean you acutally moved to be where he's at, right?

Just be honest, that's all.

[Sysyphus28]

You are asking for another dose of heartache and manipulation. First question if decide to engage any convo with him, " I am with someone new and he treats me great"

Run.............run away from something you worked so hard to get over, it will re-open wounds.....

but hey, sometimes life will give a fairytale ending when you least expect it......your call

[underpants]

Man. That sucks.

 

I personally want to punch him for you.

 

It sounds like the classic rub. You wait, you hope and then once you truely let go and move on, some force in the Universe provokes these ex's to test the waters.

 

Errrrgh.

 

This maybe more of a personal test for you.

 

I take it he left a message. If you choose to respond to it and speak with him then you may find that to be the final closure you need?

 

If you sit with it for a time and reflect on some of his responses to you in the past, perhaps you will feel no need to open the lines of communication again?

 

Good luck little greencove.

[Lishy]

Oh dear, what a predicament!

 

I am assuming he left a message or did you speak to him?

 

If you have not spoken to him then my advice is not to! This new dude must be nice for you to move to soon to be with him so why risk that for a guy who broke your heart in such a cold fashion?

 

Uh- uh dont do not!!!

 

Be strong!!!

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[Zapbasket]

Thanks guys. Yes, he did leave a message. He said he was "calling to say hi" and wanted to "see whether we could talk in the near future."

 

The dilemma for me is that even though I am with someone else, I often wonder whether my ex truly is the better partner for me. But then, whenever I think that, I work hard to push it out of my mind, because at least up till now it seemed he was gone as though dead.

 

Does anyone think he's calling to test out the waters for us to get back together? He's been single ever since we broke up.

 

It's so hard, because I still do love him. And his family was so wonderful; I really loved them and have missed them terribly, as well. My current partner has no family and that's hard for me. I have harbored a wish for a long time that somehow my ex and I could get back together...but of course what lies in fantasy looks very different when it starts to become a reality. There are so many things to consider--namely, the cold way he rejected me.

 

Could he really be calling after all this time just to "say hi"? Just to play a game with me?

[Lishy]

He could be calling for many different reasons ... All you should think about was how cold and mean he was to lovely you!

 

Dont let him do it to you again, please?

[northstar1]

Thanks guys. Yes, he did leave a message. He said he was "calling to say hi" and wanted to "see whether we could talk in the near future."

 

The dilemma for me is that even though I am with someone else, I often wonder whether my ex truly is the better partner for me. But then, whenever I think that, I work hard to push it out of my mind, because at least up till now it seemed he was gone as though dead.

 

Does anyone think he's calling to test out the waters for us to get back together? He's been single ever since we broke up.

 

It's so hard, because I still do love him. And his family was so wonderful; I really loved them and have missed them terribly, as well. My current partner has no family and that's hard for me. I have harbored a wish for a long time that somehow my ex and I could get back together...but of course what lies in fantasy looks very different when it starts to become a reality. There are so many things to consider--namely, the cold way he rejected me.

 

Could he really be calling after all this time just to "say hi"? Just to play a game with me?

 

 

GC, the sheer reaction his call has instilled in you, tells me (and I'm sorry I don't know your story that well yet) that allowing this person back into your life (and we don't know his intentions yet) is a risky move.

 

Tread carefully, you've built a nice new life, and moved on - be very cautious if you decide to contact him.

[You'reasian]

Thanks guys. Yes, he did leave a message. He said he was "calling to say hi" and wanted to "see whether we could talk in the near future."

 

The dilemma for me is that even though I am with someone else, I often wonder whether my ex truly is the better partner for me. But then, whenever I think that, I work hard to push it out of my mind, because at least up till now it seemed he was gone as though dead.

 

Does anyone think he's calling to test out the waters for us to get back together? He's been single ever since we broke up.

 

It's so hard, because I still do love him. And his family was so wonderful; I really loved them and have missed them terribly, as well. My current partner has no family and that's hard for me. I have harbored a wish for a long time that somehow my ex and I could get back together...but of course what lies in fantasy looks very different when it starts to become a reality. There are so many things to consider--namely, the cold way he rejected me.

 

Could he really be calling after all this time just to "say hi"? Just to play a game with me?

 

Perhaps he's just saying hi and trying to catch up?

 

In the event that the two of you decide to get back together, learn from your past mistakes. Set the ground rules and be good to one another.

[sunshinegirl]

Holy crap!

 

Ugh. You're in a horrible situation.

 

I suspect that, like me, you are going to find it very hard to not return his call and never find out what he wanted to say. I guess one school of thought is - don't return the call; after all, if he wanted to get back together he should chase you down the way Foxh1234's ex did. Don't make it that easy for him.

 

On the other hand, maybe he's calling not to get back together but to apologize for being an asshat to you. Or that he had an STD way back when and you should get checked out. Or he's bored. Or he just broke up with someone and is lonely.

 

What about your SO? How much does he know of your lingering thoughts/feelings and how would he react to you having a conversation with the ex? Are you willing to jeopardize your current relationship for the sake of talking to your ex?

[BleuStar]

I don't know your backstory with this guy, but maybe he's calling because he took the time to date other people, none of it worked out, and decided that you'd always be there waiting for him?

 

I wouldn't do it. You seem like you have made good changes in your life. And the changes you made were for you, not him, because you assumed he'd never ever call you again.

 

I'd stay away from him or the same stuff is likely to happen all over again.

 

Good luck.

[0hpenelope]

I only have one question for you...

 

Do you really want to do that? Why would you?

 

That's it. No assumptions, no judgments. Just questions.

[CaliGuy]

My personal opinion? He's bored, probably got dumped and now is wondering if he can have another row with you until he gets bored again.

 

Remember how "coldly" he treated you? If he really loved you he would never have treated you that way. You moved away to be with someone else so IMHO your ex is supposed to be your ex.

 

You know the say:

 

Hurt me once, shame on you.

Hurt me twice, shame on me.

 

If you have a decent amount of self-respect you won't call this guy back. Ever.

[Mike B.]

My personal opinion? He's bored, probably got dumped and now is wondering if he can have another row with you until he gets bored again.

 

Remember how "coldly" he treated you? If he really loved you he would never have treated you that way. You moved away to be with someone else so IMHO your ex is supposed to be your ex.

 

My thoughts exactly. This guy is either bored or lonely and now wants to step into familiar territory so he can feel all warm inside for just a moment(no pun intended) but he has a planned exit out of your life as soon as you let him back in. Whatver you do, do not jeopardize your current relationship for this guy who obviously isn't worth it.

 

Don't let the fairy tale fantasies about him ruin your life. Like they say, "a bird in the hand is worth more than the one in the bush." People invented these sayings for a reason.

 

You have a good thing, what more could you want? Trade a good thing for a proven bad thing? That would be a bad idea.

 

Tell him that you are happy, in love, and would not like to be contacted any further.

[RogueAC]

GreenCove, he might really be calling to just to say hi. That is all that his message said and you shouldn't read more into it. This is hard to do-- I know!

 

Take some time to think about how much this man hurt you. Reread some of your original posts on LS if you want a raw reminder. Are you prepared to revisit those feelings? Remember, regardless what you decide (to contact him or not to contact him) the relationship you had is still over.

 

There is no going back. And this is a good thing.

[Zapbasket]

Man. That sucks.

 

I personally want to punch him for you.

 

It sounds like the classic rub. You wait, you hope and then once you truely let go and move on, some force in the Universe provokes these ex's to test the waters.

 

Ain't it the truth. What's UP with that? All the time I was in NYC, I was wishing and wishing that if only he'd contact me wanting to talk...

 

the thing is, from his message I don't know if he wants to "talk"--as in, talk about what happened--or just "shoot the breeze." Personally I can't imagine anyone being so completely ridiculous as to think you could have that violent an ending to a relationship and then just be able to "chat" years down the line, as though all we ever were to each other were light acquaintances.

[Zapbasket]

GC, the sheer reaction his call has instilled in you, tells me (and I'm sorry I don't know your story that well yet) that allowing this person back into your life (and we don't know his intentions yet) is a risky move.

 

Tread carefully, you've built a nice new life, and moved on - be very cautious if you decide to contact him.

 

I agree; it's very risky. Somehow he's managed to contact me and leave me still in the dark as to WHY. Surely he doesn't think he could just "call to say hi" after all this time, and the way things ended between us? It just doesn't work that way. Surely he must know that? So is the "just calling to say hi" and wanting to "see whether we could talk in the near future" just his way of putting out a feeler for the possibility of a more substantial conversation?

[orangehose]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that maybe you should call him back (after waiting a couple of days). If it goes to voicemail, just say you're returning his call. If he picks up, ask him why he's calling. If he wants to apologize, let him. If he just wants to 'see how you're doing', THEN tell him you don't care to start a friendship with someone who treated you so poorly, and that you're now with someone else. And hang up.

 

The reason I'm encouraging you to call him is that you may find that he's not so worth pining for, that maybe you've built him up in your mind over this time to be something he's not, and that the other guy (and life) you have now are worth so much more.

[Zapbasket]

Holy crap!

 

Ugh. You're in a horrible situation.

 

I suspect that, like me, you are going to find it very hard to not return his call and never find out what he wanted to say. I guess one school of thought is - don't return the call; after all, if he wanted to get back together he should chase you down the way Foxh1234's ex did. Don't make it that easy for him.

 

On the other hand, maybe he's calling not to get back together but to apologize for being an asshat to you. Or that he had an STD way back when and you should get checked out. Or he's bored. Or he just broke up with someone and is lonely.

 

What about your SO? How much does he know of your lingering thoughts/feelings and how would he react to you having a conversation with the ex? Are you willing to jeopardize your current relationship for the sake of talking to your ex?

 

Hey SSG. Holy crap indeed. The wished-for vindication that just brings with it a whole other host of problems.

 

He didn't have an STD and I know from continuing to track his facebook and his match profile (yes, I know, bad) that he's been single this whole time (though I'm sure had his share of dates and flings). And I'd like to think that less emotionally perilous (I could tell him off, after all) things would come to his mind if he was just bored, then to call his ex, with whom he was in a relationship for 5 years.

 

And, if he's callign to apologize, then why not just get out with the apology, instead of couching it in "just calling to say hi" and wanting to "see whether we could talk in the near future"?

 

As for my current SO...he knows I was deeply hurt by how my relationship with my ex ended. I don't plan to tell him that my ex has contacted me unless I elect to return his call and any conversation that results changes my feelings towards my present situation (for example, if I realize that in all truth I really am still in love with my ex).

 

I just don't really get why the call. If I ended something with someone so coldly, I'd either leave things be because I really meant I wanted nothing more to do with them, or I'd write them an apology--i.e., make very clear why I was makign contact after all that time and THEN leave the ball in their court.

[selena_cat]

I know everyone is goin g to kill me for sayin g this, i say call his dumb butt back and take a Week to so so, better yet,two weeks

and make it short,hi,everything is fine,yes i'm doing well,very well

no personal stuff,i wont even ask him how he's doing.

time the call,and dont expect anything,

I read in manybreakup forums that you must be the better person

reply, but not rigth away,be courteous and go on your way

i know if you dont you'll probably keep wondring,

Just my opinion

i do agree with others dont let him back in your life so easy, youre with someone else now-my therapists always tell me when you actually move on that swhen you'l hear from them,the ex,wonder if its true or not.

[Lishy]

Only call him if you are strong enough not to meet up with him. This man was a poison in yiour life, dont forget how he hurt you ok?

 

And just because you follow his facebook that mean nothing - I know a guy who is always single on FB yet he sleeps around and treats girls like crap - The thing is no one will put up with him enough for them to call him their boyfriend

 

Your ex has issues, remember that and good luck

 

Let us know how you get on and what decision you make hon x

[Simplycaroline]

This is really sad for the person that you are with. I mean you say that you love him BUT, you are tempted to even talk to someone that treated you so poorly. So tell me why do you want to put yourself and the person that you are with now through this? I mean you have moved many miles to be with someone that you say means something to you yet you are tempted to ruin everything for an ex.

 

Think about the person that you are with. Consider his feelings even if you you are tempted to allow yourself back into the same comfortable mess that you worked hard to get yourself out of. Trust me if you are this weak and tempted to talk to him, if he says all the right things you will be questioning your new relationship and then going through the same ole same ole in no time.

 

Simply let this go. Stop inviting the trouble in that you worked so hard to put out of your life.

[LikeCharlotte]

You are not giving the person you are with now enough consideration. You should only talk to your ex if you think you can handle it casually but your post tells me that you cannot. You need to decide (independent of the ex) that you really want to move forward with your new relationship or not. If you clearly do than nothing your ex can say will dissuade you. You can hold that in the forefront of your mind along with how much healing you have done if you talk to your ex. There is nothing wrong with talking to an ex or even having a friendship but only if you are clear that you do not want anything more from it. If you do then you shouldn't be with someone else yet. It sounds like you are very curious... IMHO decide what you feel about your life since the break up, gather strength and call back.

[Zapbasket]

My personal opinion? He's bored, probably got dumped and now is wondering if he can have another row with you until he gets bored again.

 

Remember how "coldly" he treated you? If he really loved you he would never have treated you that way. You moved away to be with someone else so IMHO your ex is supposed to be your ex.

 

You know the say:

 

Hurt me once, shame on you.

Hurt me twice, shame on me.

 

If you have a decent amount of self-respect you won't call this guy back. Ever.

 

Hey CaliGuy. I'm really glad you responded to my thread because I always value your advice. I want to go about this with my self-respect intact, because I felt so humiliated at the end of our relationship when I beseeched him to let us talk things through to end it in a better way, if end it we must, and he ignored me and then coldly told me to get lost.

 

But I'm so curious to hear what he has to say. KNowing him, I imagine it had to take some courage for him to contact me. he's not a frivolous person; he's been single this whole time; he has no reason to contact me except to apologize or try to get together. From his message, it sounds like he wants to talk, though at what depth, or what about, he didn't say.

 

I'm tempted to just ignore his call but then I'll never know. And the truth is, I still care. Is there any way to go about calling him back but maintaining my dignity throughout?