Stalker mentality

[mortensorchid]

I've had a few real wackjobs stalk me. I don't think "stalk" is too loose a term for those who I considered the real crazies. One was years ago when I was too young and dumb to realize exactly what was happening until it was too late. At that point he was calling at all hours and showing up at my college dorm room. Years later he sent me a few letters here and there. Then he disappeared, last I heard from him was in 99. He was dillusional, he thought I was going to come around the harder he pushed and he really wasn't intruding on my personal space.

 

The second was just recently. I had had a few dates with him, then he told me a few things about himself that lead me to believe "Ok, maybe he's not trash, but we're definately skirting the edge of the garbage can here so maybe it's best if I close the book on this and move on." He called once, left a voice mail message, and I didn't respond to it. About two weeks later he showed up at my apartment building at midnight on a Monday night, raving like a loon thinking I was dying. I realized it wasn't about me at all, it was about him. So I ran to a neighbor's apartment for cover, called the police, he ran, and that was the last I heard of him. (He ran when he saw the flashing lights.)

 

The third is someone I decided I didn't want to see anymore, but he seemed to attach some weird standard to me. He did nothing but point out my flaws. I decided "I already have a father, I already have a shrink, and I don't need this vain, self centered a-----e dragging me down." I stopped returning his calls. He started writing me emails, calling me, text messages, and instant messaging. It was periodic, I wouldn't hear from him for months at a time then he would suddenly appear again somehow. I changed my screenname, changed my email, blocked his calls. He sent a text message to my old cell (I have two) and I got fed up. I called him back, said "Stay away from me!" and hung up on him. He responded saying he was essentially angry at me and he was angry that I am so vain and self centered. I finally dumped that cell phone afterwards.

 

I guess I didn't realize how many lonely people there are out there. I can tell you this about myself if this gives some insights. As a kid, I felt very lonely and isolated from others. I felt picked on, laughed at, and like an outsider. I made a decission at some point that I would not let this turn me into a bitter person. Instead I would be the friendliest person in the room. I'd always chat with people, always be a friend, always be "nice" to others. And most people say that about me these days, and it's a great feeling to be liked. However, I realize now that I am a bit TOO friendly with others. I have to learn to be more aloof. I've done that on the job, just not in my social life.

[KinAZ]

Guy 2: Maybe he was just drunk. A 12am visit to someone you've only been on a few dates with is a little out there. But stalking? Not quite. Inappropriate, and maybe rather creepy... and freightening for sure.

 

Good thing you called the cops, but still... why not just be honest with him? Instead of disappearing and not having enough consideration to let the guy down. Then you want to call him names? When you jerk people around, you really can't expect much good to come from it... especially not when you already figure they're questionable characters.

 

Guy 3: Umm... Did you bother to tell him that you weren't interested in him anymore? Did you not tell him why? I hardly think that qualifies as "stalkerish". Not in the least. Especially when you say it was only periodic. Sure, he might have been stuck on the situation simply because you never gave him real closure. Or, it could have been just him giving your number a try when he wasn't doing anything else, as it was periodic...

 

 

People don't like the duck and cover. It is seriously dishonest, very selfish, and cowardly. It leaves the other person uncertain, when you've actually DATED him, or done things which really conveyed interest.

 

I could understand if you were talking about some guys you never went out with. Or some guys who just know you from around. Or some ex who you've told "don't call me anymore" and who you've explained whatever to, who is still calling and showing up at your home and place of employment, etc.

 

But this? This is a couple of guys having emotional reaction to yes... your self-centered behavior (according to what you've posted here). Pardon me, however, if I am wrong, and you did tell these guys that it's over and why or what have you. But when someone is actually into you, and they are under the impression that things are mutual, and then you decide that it's not anymore... jee... why not let them know before you try to label them?

[Adunaphel]

When I was aged from 12 to 15 I engaged in stalkerish behaviour - I would develop a crush on a guy and hang out in places where they were likely to show up, or walk home the same way they did (from a distance).

It was not about them (apart from the fact that I had a crush on them), but more about my shyness and my bad social skills.

At the time I even thought that they might have appreciate the attention and they might have found flattering the fact that I was willing to waste a lot of my time just to get a glimpse of them. When they let me know (directly or indirectly) that it bothered them, I was hurt, because of course I did not realize at the time that that kind of attention could be creepy and actually make someone unconfortable, and I immediately stopped the behaviour.

When I dealt with stalkerish behaviour myself -as an adult- the guys (none of whom was any creepier than I had been as a kid, though ) also stopped as soon as I let them know that the attention was making me feel embarassed and I had no interest in them (no matter whether they thought we would make a great couple).

So I'd suggest not to worry about hurting your stalker's feelings with a direct rejection and never ever give them the idea that you like the attention.

If polite honesty does not work, I guess you have the true difference between clingy and socially inept guys and real stalkers.

 

About online stalking, I guess that following someone around the internet when you know it bothers them, or trying to access to private online information, can be considered cyberstalking.

If someone is googling your name and address, or saving every picture of you he can find, or spends all of his time in your myspace page... well, they might be too curious...nosy...clingy....but I would not call it stalking, as if you chose to make public some information about you... and once it is public, it means that people are free to access it.

[BoerumHill]

I had a woman who stalked me for months about 8 years ago. Not quite bunny-in-boiling-water stalker, but pretty close.

 

What might be creepy or scary for women was kind of an ego trip for me - at first. Then it got weird, and from there out of control.

 

 

 

 

Met my stalkerette on match.com. Quite sure that in our emails, IMs, phone convos and first meeting I mentioned the following pertinent info:

• the ink on my divorce papers isn't dry
  
• I haven't dated in a really, really long while
  
• I am not looking for anything serious at the present time
  
• just moved to Manhattan, going through kid-in-a-candystore-syndrome
  

My twisted little friend seemed down with all that. Long story short, went on a few dates, alcohol was involved, we ended up sleeping together rather quickly. Woke up to find earrings and cell phone charger on my night stand. Being a gentleman, I sent her stuff to her by overnight FedEx that day (found out later it's an old trick - gives the stalker a reason to come back).

 

One or two dates later, stalkerette got into a heating shouting match over the phone her with her ex-. Decided this might not be something I want to pursue long term. Ms Twisted started hanging outside my office building at lunch time and after work, driving by my apartment, sending me as many as 8 emails in a single night (and multiple voice mails when I tried to go NC).

 

I had made it plainly clear it was over; I thought if I just ignored her, she would go away. I was quite wrong.

 

One day I threw a BBQ party for about 25-30 co-workers. In the middle of attending to my guests, my best friend said "Uh, dude...that chick we tried to avoid the other day at lunchtime is sitting on your bed". Made her leave...and found her passed out in the hallway of our apartment building a few hours later, bottle of vodka laying next to her. Keep in mind this woman owned her own home, she was a VP at Citibank (I know, everybody used to be a VP back then...but still, you get the idea).

 

A few weeks later I started dating someone new. Stalkerette found out somehow and approached her on Wall St during lunchtime. Totally freaked out my new gf. I went to a judge and got a TRO.

 

No moral to this story, just wanted to say it goes both ways. I don't know if she was really dangerous, but I didn't want to find out. She definately had a strange view of what we did/did not have, and it was a very unhealthy obsession.