Sweetnlo Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 I've read some things on emotional affairs, and I'm pretty certain my husband has had many of these over several years. The first few times I caught him, he acted like he felt bad. Over the past few years he just gets mad at me for even checking on him. One time a few years ago I even pretended to be someone else and he told me where to meet him at work. When I confronted him, he just said he knew it was me. Recently he bought a cell phone, and I finally got him to admit that he had been calling females who's phone numbers he'd gotten online. He told me he really just wants female friends. It seems like if I don't make an issue of it, he isn't doing it while he's home, but I know he found a lot of these women using his friend's computer at work. The thing is, he doesn't consider doing these things online cheating. I guess I just want a guy's point of view on this... The thing I can't get him to understand is if he's lied to me about all these other things, why should I trust him anything? Am I being unreasonable? Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 i am not a guy, but as a woman, i would be extremely upset. i do not think you are being unreasonable at all. have you spoken to him about this and maybe tlak to him about getting marriage counseling? i think what he is doing is unfair to you as well as disrespectful. from my point of view, a married man doesn't need "girl-friends"...a married man could have a few guy friends and then friends that they hang out with as a couple. just my pov. Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 He wants "female friends"? That's a ridiculous request. How he could think you would be alright with that is beyond me. If they were just his "friends", he would be ok with seeing them while you were around too. I highly doubt these women will even know he's involved with anyone, let alone that he's married. And even if you both agreed that "these online things" aren't cheating, (although I believe they are), the fact is that he is NOT keeping it to 'just online'. He is setting up meetings with these women, as you found out when you contacted him pretending to be someone else. I don't believe his line that "he knew it was you" for a minute. I don't know if marriage counseling is something that could help, since he doesn't even want to admit there's anything wrong. How can things improve if he doesn't think there's a problem? Do you two have kids? If not, then I would seriously think about divorce - it doesn't seem like he's going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweetnlo Posted August 21, 2003 Author Share Posted August 21, 2003 Maskee28: To answer your question, yes we have a kids. We have a three year old, and I'm pregnant right now and due in October. What makes it worse is he joined the military a little over a year ago, and now I am out in a state where I know no one. I happened to get a hold of his cell phone tonight, and I heard a message from one of his female friends. She left her number so I called her to find out if she knew about me. (No sense in two people getting screwed over.) It turned out she did. She even knew we had a child and that I was pregnant. He had even talked to her about names. She denied they ever met though, and she claimed they were just friends. I want to believe her--I felt bad for her because she started talking to me about all the problems she had with her boyfriend. (Ironically, many of the things she complained about her boyfriend were the same things my husband does. She told me when she told my husband about all these things, he told her she was too good for him and too leave him.) The thing that nagged me is she had to tell him her brothers' cell phone number so her boyfriend wouldn't know he called her because he just found out guys were calling her. Why all the secrecy? I guess I'm just venting now, because I have no one else to vent too. I'm tired of being lied to, but I don't want to leave and have my kids not have a dad. At the same time, I don't know if I can stay with someone who clearly does not care enough to discuss boundaries with me and even when I tell him that certain things bother me, he does them anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted August 21, 2003 Share Posted August 21, 2003 I feel bad for you – stuck in a new place at 7 (or so) months pregnant – with no family or friends other than your husband nearby. Is there a group for moms-to-be, or a parenting class or something you can join to meet people? This would at least give you someone else to talk to, so you don’t feel so alone. Despite the conversation you had with this woman whose number you got, I still think this friendship is inappropriate. Especially, like you said, because of the secrecy – that’s never a good sign. She seems to be sneaking around her boyfriend’s back, and he seems to be sneaking around yours – if there’s nothing wrong with this “friendship”, then why isn’t it out in the open? I really don’t know what to suggest…do you think maybe marriage counseling would help? Is it something you would like to try? If you had a long talk with your husband, explaining exactly how you feel, would counseling be something he’d be open to, if he thought maybe it would help you feel better? And if he isn’t willing to go, why doesn’t he want to go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweetnlo Posted August 21, 2003 Author Share Posted August 21, 2003 I have tried to talk to him before about marriage counseling, but he just looked at me and said, "Why?" He sent me an e-mail from his cell phone to day asking me if he was still mad, so I called him and tried to explain it wasn't anger as much as hurt. I tried to tell him it seems like when I tried to tell him how I feel, he just gets angry. Now he decided he isn't coming home until Sunday, and I'm left without a car again. I feel like the only way to make this work is just to shut up and deal with it. I've been trying to meet new people, but I haven't been able to confide in anyone else about all this. I just wish he would try to be there for me like he is for other people... Link to post Share on other sites
ilm Posted August 21, 2003 Share Posted August 21, 2003 he sounds like he needs an attitude adjustment,its 1 thing if you put up with it, but don't let him get away with it so easy , i would at least make hI'm give me a car.so what if he gets mad when you bring it up if it hurts. its not going to go away because you don't bring it up it will eat at you and he will get away with it. is that fair to you and your kids. he does not need friends who are women thats an excuse to talk to them,you need to stick up for yourself don't let hI'm walk over you like that . i don't have kids but my husband has cheated I'm still with hI'm but i spend alot and have a car,and alot of the tI'me I'm not happy, he gets mad when i bring it up but if I'm reminded why shouldn't he why should he get away with it that easy. theres men who cheat and men who don't you need to decide if its worth your sanity the kids will always have a dad you just may decide not to live together, i don't have kids because i wouldn't want them to go through the crap, my parents are divorced they got divorced when i was in kindergarten and i was glad i didn't like to watch them fight so staying together for kids is not always better for the kids. kids are smart they sense things even little kids. only you can figure out what to do but at least if you are going to stay together you should make him answer to what he does, I'm just tired of the lying so i spy on mine well good luck whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
ilovemybabies Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 Originally posted by Sweetnlo I have tried to talk to him before about marriage counseling, but he just looked at me and said, "Why?" He sent me an e-mail from his cell phone to day asking me if he was still mad, so I called him and tried to explain it wasn't anger as much as hurt. I tried to tell him it seems like when I tried to tell him how I feel, he just gets angry. Now he decided he isn't coming home until Sunday, and I'm left without a car again. I feel like the only way to make this work is just to shut up and deal with it. I've been trying to meet new people, but I haven't been able to confide in anyone else about all this. I just wish he would try to be there for me like he is for other people... This is to your DH" Gee, thats real love. Strand your wife, whom you promised to love and cherish above all others, and who has your children, without a car, just because you are pissy cause you got caught ! You are pathetic. To Sweetnlo, Honey, this sorry excuse for a man is abusing you. To strand you with your kids and no car is not love. It is abuse. Mental abuse. Tell him either he goes with you for marital counseling or it is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts