It's Over. In Pain.

[NewSunrise]

WS: I'm sure you are right about all those things you mention. Though, even though I would take her in an instant, knowing the sort of man he is, I don't understand how he takes her back. It doesn't seem like he would ever be ok with it. It's probably just petty wishful thinking.

If you were her husband and she did exactly that, cheated on you, what would you do? Would you still "take her in an instant" knowing she had sex with another man?

[GPFan]

I'd say that the single determining factor in a child's view of their parent comes directly from the other parent. Perhaps your children's R with their dad has been just as damaged by your attitude toward him and his W.

I have to disagree with this assertion. The attitude of the other parent is one factor but not the determining factor in my opinion.

 

A stronger factor would be how (and if) the affair came to light. Messy, ugly discovery-days devastate the entire family not just the betrayed partner.

 

Some cheating spouses unwisely choose to use their children during an affair in a manipulative manner. It often doesn't dawn on the child they have been used until the affair is exposed and when realisation dawns, damage is inevitably done to the parent-child relationship.

 

There are many strong factors to be considered in addition to the betrayed's attitude.

[smile711]

sad eyes-i understand what you mean about the length of your R. i was with the MM for 2 1/2 years. In living together, we did share everyday responsibilities like "normal" couples. Only he told me he was getting a divorce and he didn't. He went back home and confessed his sins (not all, I'm sure ). I'm getting to a point where I see that he doesn't deserve to hear from me. I know him and I know that he wonders what I am doing and who I am doing it with . Letting him wonder about stuff like that is way more effective than calling him and trying to insert myself in his life again. I tried to break it off numeroius times before and he would not respect me enough to stop calling, begging for more time, etc. So I am stopping that game. I won't call or beg or ask questions. Maybe he will call me; maybe he won't. maybe his marriage will crash and burn; maybe it will become better than ever. But I'm gonna give myself an ulcer thinking about him all the time. I'm trying to focus on me, and as hard as it is, you need to do that, too. Things come together in time, one way or another. If you do not end up with this woman, there is a very good reason that you will see someday. Hang in there!

[Owl]

OP: (original poster)

 

I'd suggest a couple of things.

 

First off...if you have any intent to "try" at all with your SO...then the two of you should get into marriage counseling ASAP. No, you're not married. But it doesn't matter, the dynamics are the same.

 

You need to get a marriage counselor who understands infidelity, and how to help a marriage to recover from the damages of it. Someone with a marriagebuilders type background would help a lot.

 

I'd also suggest that both you and your SO read a book..."Surviving an Affair". It can help you both understand what the other is going through, and give the two of you a gameplan for recovery.

 

Even if you don't intend to recover your relationship with your significant other, its still a worthwhile read to help YOURSELF recover from all of this.

 

What you're going through right now is the "withdrawl" phase.

 

Affairs are ADDICTIVE...as you've found out.

 

Just like any addict...you're suffering the withdrawl symptoms from the lack of the drug of your choice...the affair.

 

This WILL fade with time and effort. Its just like going cold turkey off of a drug addiction.

 

Your best bet right now is to not make ANY decision...other than to make the choice to completely go no contact (NC) with the MW (married woman).

 

Any contact will just prolong your pain...and hers. It will set her back on rebuilding HER marriage, just as it sets you back on your OWN relationship's recovery.

 

Go NC...get a marriage counselor...read those books I suggested...and wait to see what happens from there.

[sad_eyes]

Thanks again for the replies.

 

Smile: I know that you are right in my head. If I maintain the NC and she never calls then that's a big sign. And by not calling I don't become pathetic and it's that much sooner that I get on with things. And maybe she wonders about me--maybe she doesn't. In my heart, though, I feel like I'm just kidding myself and what I really want to do is to tell her how badly I miss and want her. I will not call, though. I do know that someday, probably soon even, I will hear from her. That will be a problem for me. My head says that I should tell her we should end all contact for good, but I know she will respond badly. She will be angry. I'm afraid at that point she'll say things that will make me feel worse than I already do and that will confirm my fears that it was all for nothing and I just cannot deal with that. It's like I want so bad to say, "look, you didn't pick me. You lose out on my love. I wish you the best. Please do not call anymore." But the nightmare is that she never does again. I don't know what to do when she calls.

 

Owl: Thank you for your response. I've read many of your replies in the last couple of days and they're always thoughtful. I will look for that book. As I said above, the NC thing is hard and will be harder if she calls or emails, but I am trying.

 

Thanks.

[manugeorge]

Sorry you're hurting but there isn't much you can do but to hurt. Like someone else said, you are going through a drug withdrawal phase, it's not an easy thing to endure, but you still have to endure it.

 

Affairs, relationships, marriages, whatever, unions are two-sided, you can't conduct them on your own so no matter how badly you want her or miss her, if she is not responding in kind, there is nothing you can do. You can't go to her husband's house and kidnap her against her will. You can't force her to be with you. She has made her choice with all the facts that she has been presented, and you have to respect that choice.

 

Her feelings, or thoughts about you, her husband, the affair, her family, etc are all irrelevant. She chose to go back home, end of story.

 

No magic words is going to make your hurt go away, you just have to brave it like people brave heartbreak everyday.

[norajane]

At this point I can only think of my lover. I think in part is has to do with what I was talking about how long we were together. I just can't get past that. I don't understand how anyone can just move on after that much time and closeness and go back to how it was. Please help me understand this. Is it possible?

 

You've been with your partner for 9 years, yet you don't seem to have any problem moving on from her, at least emotionally.

[LostGirl811]

Hello and welcome. You are in the right place!

 

That was a very well-written post. Nice of you to acknowledge that it might bring painful memories to some. You will find support from us OW/M (other women/men) but what might really surprise you, as it did me, was how many formerly BS (betrayes spouses) will help you too.

 

As you well know, there is no amount of maneuvering that destroys the futility of the A(ffair) unless both partners become single. When my head was awhirl with so many thoughts/feelings, it helped me to keep coming back to that point. Love wasn't our problem. The amount of time we spent wasn't our problem either. My MM (married man) being married to someone else was the problem. In my case, I broke up with him and he has since moved out into his own apartment. I am dating him again now, as he is separated. BTW, he made every effort to get me to see him and only made the big move after I went NC (no contact) and he lost me.

 

Given that she has a conservative family and a rich H, she might not ever leave. Yet she's not so conservative that she was unwilling to have an A! So maybe she will. But I can gaurantee you that she won't leave as long as you're willing to cheat with her.

 

So are you still married?

 

wildsoul,

 

i know you've posted on some of my posts before, but i never asked you....does your MM have kids with his wife? and how long had he been married when he left her?

 

 

I kind of envy you. Mine will never leave his wife. Or not while Im young enough to enjoy it anywy. His youngest is 2 months old, and I can't wait 20 years for them to grow up....

 

anyway, sorry to detract from the OP for a moment, was just wondering...

 

x

[wildsoul]

wildsoul,

 

i know you've posted on some of my posts before, but i never asked you....does your MM have kids with his wife? and how long had he been married when he left her?

No kids, married 16 years. Children have been on my dealbreaker list. My xH had adult kids who moved in with us and had all kinds of problems. It was one of the reasons why our M failed. So re-entering the dating world, I've refused to date anyone w/ children of any age. I don't have kids of my own and don't want to try the step-family thing again. Way too hard!