I wonder about BS

[Chapter2]

Beautiful post.

 

Back up the love bus a little! Have you been on both sides?

 

I was a Betrayed Spouse. During the total of 4 years we were married, he had been with her for 2 - and beat the hell out of me regularly.

 

After I left in Feb this year - I find myself having an affair with a work colleague who is engaged.

 

I think the reason why it happened (in hindsight) was because I was so damaged by my failed marriage and his cheating and abuse that I subconsciously got involved with someone who was, for the most part, un-obtainable. I had the short term self satisfaction for myself (ie; the sex which made me feel great, beautiful, wanted) without all that "scary stuff" - the home life, the fact that I was somehow tied to this man. It was a sub-conscious defense. He couldn't hurt me because all we had were stolen moments. Not long enough to forge any danger.

 

It was a knee jerk reaction to a series of situations that are all connected. Does that make it right? Absolutely not. But here it is - an explanation for you to try and wrap your head around.

 

In short: Don't pass judgement, it's not becoming.

[blueberry]

because she was a bs going through a horrible divorce. I watched her cry. I saw day after day quote]

 

 

sorry noforgiveness, I've only just clocked the use of past tense thought this was a recent happening.

[mopar crazy]

Haven't read the replies, just wanted to say: I wonder if the xOW wondered about me? I wonder if she thought how I would feel about her inappropriate R w/ my H? I wonder it ever crossed her mind "This man is a MM and I know his W. I talk to her all the time and we get along great. Should I pursue her H? I really like him, think he is gorgeous. Oh f@ck it, I want him and I am going after him whether she cares or not. It's all about ME!"

 

Ok, on a serious note here. I agree w/ everything WWIU said so not going to repeat it.

 

Work on yourself and your happiness and let him deal w/ the mess he has made.

[Chapter2]

Smile, I know its very difficult because your knee jerk reaction is to defend yourself when some responses are so self righteous and condemning, but try as hard as you can NOT to respond. Responding only serves as an outlet for these particular posters to beat you with their own unresolved rage, pain and unrelenting hatred of anything that represents the people in their own lives that have hurt them so much. YOU alone know what is true in your own life and in your own heart. Yes, this is an open forum, but it is painfully obvious when a poster is speaking truth in love or just their own truth. I have always been fool enough to think a "support" forum meant truth in love or at least compassion. Good luck to you:)

 

First of all, not that it matters, but we were not "friends". I knew who she was and she knew who I was. A silly point to make, but one I feel is valid. I didn't want to fight for my emotionally abusive, loveless marriage. Getting a divorce was the best decision I ever made and I don't regret for one minute.

 

I know that I have low self-esteem. I've said it about 100 times on here. I am working on that issue. Yes, I was at the point where I believed that I was only worth some married man's crumbs of attention.

 

My post was NOT about insulting the BS. If I wanted to insult her, I would try to continue the A. I wouldn't be 27 days of NC with her H, who works down the hall from me. I avoid him at all costs-the one thing that keeps me NC EVERY DAY is the thought that I do not want to spend one more second as a damaging factor in her marriage. What I meant was that it took me going NC and really seeing our R for what it was to realize that the xMM doesn't treat anyone well-I have seen that with my own eyes with co-workers, friends, and his W. I don't know why I thought I would be different-maybe I didn't care if I was. I wanted someone, anyone, to pay attention to me. And that's how it went. As someone who was a BS, I KNOW there is a period (however brief) where your self-esteem takes a hit.

 

I hope they do whatever is necessary to fix their marriage. But I hope that during the process, his W realizes her own self-worth because that is the best thing that can happen to anyone. I am sorry about your situation, noforgiveness, but I really believe at the end of the day that most A's are about what is lacking in the WS, not what is lacking in the BS or the OW. I don't know that I will be posting on here for awhile-I don't mind hearing people's opinions but I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm being attacked and taking the brunt for other people's sins. I won't take responsibility for anyone else's actions but my own-other OW, you are on your own. It takes too much of my time to defend myself on here. I will find support and insight elsewhere.

[blueberry]

Should I pursue her H? I really like him, think he is gorgeous. Oh f@ck it, I want him and I am going after him whether she cares or not. It's all about ME!"

 

.

 

In this kind of situation, I don't think it entered her consciousness. She's damaged.

[mopar crazy]

In this kind of situation, I don't think it entered her consciousness. She's damaged.

 

I would have to agree. The first phone contact I made w/ her she denied anything going on between them, said they were just friends. During our conversation she flat out told me she didn't care if a man was taken, she was going after him. If she wanted something, she was going after it. My H wasn't her first MM and I am sure he wont be her last.

[blueberry]

Yes, this is an open forum, but it is painfully obvious when a poster is speaking truth in love or just their own truth.

 

Hear hear Chapter2.

 

A lot of misdirected anger and bitterness gets chucked around, but that's to be expected of a forum.

 

The beauty is that, in between the lines, there are some real gold nuggets. A lot of posters with an amazing array of experience between them. Gotta take the good with the bad!

[Chapter2]

I couldn't agree more. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

 

Hear hear Chapter2.

 

A lot of misdirected anger and bitterness gets chucked around, but that's to be expected of a forum.

 

The beauty is that, in between the lines, there are some real gold nuggets. A lot of posters with an amazing array of experience between them. Gotta take the good with the bad!

[NoIDidn't]

I have to admit that I still think about the exOW from my H's EA. He still works with her. And the folks from their office found out about the A after it was long over.

 

I wonder how her life is now, sometimes. People tell me about her and the goings on in her life. Its not important what I think of those things. I wish they didn't, though. I figure if they tell me about her, they must tell her about me.

 

Any similarities we have though stop at both being women. She doesn't know anything about my H other than the persona he put up for her. When Dday came, the bravado that he showed her during the EA evaporated. He went back to being the man that I married, not the man that she was trying to have an eventually full-fledged affair with.

 

Not that it would help, but I wonder more what she thinks of my H and what those that tell me about her think of him. True, he never deserved to be put on a pedestal (who does?). But, he doesn't deserve to live in the doghouse for the rest of his life either.

 

Definitely take xMM off that pedestal, but don't demonize him. It sounds like he is a serial cheater, but he's still not the devil incarnate. He's a flawed human being. And whatever insecurities his W has, are no one else's concern but hers.

 

((smile))