“I miss you” is not the same as “I want to try again”

[RogueAC]

Need to vent a bit to help me get through the day…

 

I am feeling uncertain again.

 

The ex and I have been mostly NC. We have seen each other two times since he ended our 1 and 7 month relationship in mid-August. I initiated the first contact two weeks after the break up mostly because of mutual friends, professional contacts and our close vicinity (we live and work very near each other). We spent many hours talking that day and things ended positively. He asked me if he could call me the next weekend. I said he could but I didn’t know if I would be receptive.

 

Meanwhile, I am trying my best to just let the relationship go and do all the great post break-up stuff that makes us stronger and more awesome people.

 

So, ex calls me the next weekend as discussed. I was feeling pretty great this weekend so I offer have brunch with him. We met in the morning and ended up spending the day together again. He says “it’s hard to be around you and not be able to kiss you or hug you. This is so hard.” I agreed it was very difficult but that I don’t need or want that type of friendship with him. We hugged for a long time. Nothing escalated but it was verbally addressed… I told him I would talk to him sometime in the undetermined future.

 

Meanwhile, I stopped trying and am starting to just let the relationship go. I am meeting people and having fun—I even went out on a date. It may have ended with a bad kiss and is now known as “the bad kiss date-08” but still… I feel am making very good progress.

 

Now, here we are today. The ex called me last night. I was busy. He left a voicemail. “Hi RogueAC. It’s the ex. Calling to say hi and see how you are doing. Hope you are well. I miss you. That is mostly what I want to tell you. If you want to call me back you can but you don’t have to. Again, I hope you are well.”

 

Any thoughts? What does he want from me? Why is he telling me that he misses me? Arrgh! I am started to feel frustrated again.

[nickelinadime]

From my personal experiences, when my ex has called me to tell me that she misses me, it's so I cave and talk to her, and she can ask and find out how I'm doing. Generally, it means he wants to know you're still upset too. Although, it could mean something different. My advice would be to confront him about it if you might want the relationship back. If not, go back into no contact.

[BCCA]

Even if he ended it, he CAN and probably does miss you. It doesnt mean that he misses you enough to want to work things out, because obviously he doesnt. The 'you dont have to call' is a disclaimer, basically, he's telling you that what he said on the message is about all he has to say.

 

Sounds like he is generally concerned for your well being, but nothing more. The bit about kissing was a fish-maneuvor...he wanted to see how receptive you would be to doing all the 'stuff' you used to when you were together. If you let him get away with a kiss, he'll want more...if you catch my drift.

 

Go back to NC and leave it there. Assume its over, because chances are it is and if he wants to try again, nothing will stop him from letting you know. The games people play are cruel after a breakup. Im sorry you have to go through this.

[0hpenelope]

Oh Rogue... This is a mindgame that I don't like playing.

 

This sounds really hopeful, but I would just assume that he misses your company. You've been together for that long and most of us are definitely creatures of habit - we look for what we don't have anymore.

 

There's so many directions that you can go to in order to "interpret" his concern: he misses you, but not enough to go back to you. He misses your company because you've been the person he constantly saw + spent time with. He feels really bad so he's doing all of these things to exorcise the guilt. He misses you, but he's not sure how to go about suggesting a 2nd chance...

 

I'd take the high road if I were in your position. The limbo of "What's he doing?!" is a waste of time and brainpower.

[sedgwick]

Does "1 and 7 month relationship" mean 17 months? 8 months? Confused.

[BCCA]

Does "1 and 7 month relationship" mean 17 months? 8 months? Confused.

 

I think it meant 1 year and 7 months...I think

[RogueAC]

1 year and 7 months… I post extra sloppily when I am upset... I also like to punctuate correctly and incorrectly...

 

 

I really appreciate all of your thoughts!!

 

The frustrating part is not the phone calls or the even the sentiment, it is the internal dialogue created by these mindgames [great word!]. Instead of accepting reality– the relationship it is over, I am dealing things and I am okay— I start feeling hopeful. I start missing him. I start wondering. And for me, the moment I allow him back in my thoughts, I start hurting again.

 

Mostly, I feel frustrated because if I am truly honest, I want “I miss you” to mean “I want to try again.” I want it to mean “I love you. I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” It hurts because it just means “I miss you.”

 

It is so easy for me to see things as I want them to be but I am trying to see them as they are. Your thoughts definitely help!!!!

[RogueAC]

I called the ex back last night. We exchanged pleasantries. The ex was on his way to meet a mutual friend. He invited me to join them. I declined. I asked the ex if he was okay. He said he was. The ex asked me if I was okay. I said I am. We wished each other well and hung up.

 

Now I can kick him back out of my thoughts. I’m looking forward to the day when he never even gets in...

[0hpenelope]

The frustrating part is not the phone calls or the even the sentiment, it is the internal dialogue created by these mindgames [great word!]. Instead of accepting reality– the relationship it is over, I am dealing things and I am okay— I start feeling hopeful. I start missing him. I start wondering. And for me, the moment I allow him back in my thoughts, I start hurting again.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with being hopeful. It's just that most tend to dwell in it vs. taking things for what it is, as in "I don't really know what's going to happen, but the possibility's there. At the present moment, he's out there and I'm here and we're not together and... yep. That's it." Hope gets mangled with instant gratification; that somehow, the second chance has to happen right away because otherwise, anything longer shows it's not going to happen ever.

 

I saw that you had a conversation with him and you declined a meet-up. That's a good place to start to do what you want for yourself. Good luck, ok?

[tealeafbud]

in my opinion, they are just missing you. Basically, the ball is in your court. It depends on where the relationship stands. it sounds like it's truly over, so there is no use dragging it out. You could call him back and arrange another one of those awkward get togethers, but it will only drag the pain further.

 

If you want a more speedy healing, then I would not call him back and go on with your live. As they say, move on. I'll be the first to tell you that it is difficult and I've caved in so many times when I know I shouldn't. it's just my experience that dragging out the pain leaves people in a worse position from where they started.

 

We all know that it's a temporary feeling of closeness and it feels good hearing the ex, or seeing them, but if the relationship is ended, there's really no point. Take care Rogue.

[HopeDiesLast]

I don't think there's anything wrong with being hopeful. It's just that most tend to dwell in it vs. taking things for what it is, as in "I don't really know what's going to happen, but the possibility's there. At the present moment, he's out there and I'm here and we're not together and... yep. That's it." Hope gets mangled with instant gratification; that somehow, the second chance has to happen right away because otherwise, anything longer shows it's not going to happen ever.

 

 

i think thats the answer we all need to hear. at least i do. that whatever happens, were gonna be ok. that this is what the situation is now, and we have to deal with it now. and we have to just let the future happen on its own. thats what ive been saying to myself.

Have faith life is happening as it supposed to.

[RogueAC]

Tealeafbud-- These are good thoughts. I do realize the relationship is over and I am trying to accept things. I don’t feel like I am dragging things out but maybe I am. I'll think about this.

 

Ohpenelope-- I too like the idea of having hope and know that it is okay—as long as it is centered in reality. I really appreciate your support.

 

 

It has been easy for me not to initiate contact with him. I initiated contact one time because he kept asking our mutual friends about my well being. I felt they were being asked to communicate things that should come directly from me. Also, I was told he was depressed and our friends were worried about him. I felt I was avoiding him and the break up. After this when I felt/feel the desire to call him, e-mail him or text him I am able to get past it and just don’t do it. I have been able to deal with this part breaking up quite well.

 

I struggle when he initiates contact with me. It hurts me to ignore him and to just stop returning his calls. I don’t know how to do that yet. He calls me and leaves a message– I miss you, I’d like to see you if you want, I hope you are okay, whatever the sentiment is—and I break and call him back. This is the part of the break up I need help with.

 

The last three days have been really hard and that is just so unsettling. For the most part am doing pretty awesome and am definitely living my life. I had a lot of great things going before and I still have a lot of great things going now. I am trying to give myself time and at the same time trying to move on. It just hurts so much to love someone who thinks they are “too broken” to love you back and “too damaged” to be in a relationship. I know those are his issues not mine but I feel really low about it today.

 

Thanks everyone for your support.

[0hpenelope]

I struggle when he initiates contact with me. It hurts me to ignore him and to just stop returning his calls. I don’t know how to do that yet. He calls me and leaves a message– I miss you, I’d like to see you if you want, I hope you are okay, whatever the sentiment is—and I break and call him back. This is the part of the break up I need help with.

 

I think this thread by Sir Gunny's appropriate for this part of the difficulty. I have it bookmarked and I read it whenever I feel like I'm lacking in belief in myself. That's never a good thing to go without.

 

It's got a lot to do with self-discipline. A lot of the long-term LS users will say that this portion of healing has to do with habit (some have likened it to an 'addiction', but I don't necessarily agree with coining that tendency with the term). Again, the majority of your days for almost 2 years had to do with constantly being in each other's company.

 

Sometimes, it's really got nothing to do with liking what we have to do. We do things because we need to and we have to. You can keep indulging your tendencies to reciprocate his attempts at communication and okay... sometimes, that's what we need to do. You can do that for as long as you feel like it, but my questions are "When? When are you going to put your foot down and concede that enough is enough?"

 

The happiness you feel when you talk to him is so fleeting. The good feelings don't last for too long after you hang up. You're not happy for the most part. When will that be a good enough reason to stop talking to him?

 

Still, we understand... "cease and desist" is not simple.