jj33 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 You are SO SO right. xMM is throwing his toys and everyone elses at the moment. Its driving me mad but not with hurt but with exasperation... he doesnt seem to get that he isnt drawing me closer... he is pushing me even further away. I think what you need to do is this. When he sends you more emails tell him, I care for you and I want the best for you but we need to maintain a professional demeanor at work. Otherwise both of us will be harmed. I am asking you as my friend not to email me about anything personal until at least 15th October. That will give us both some time and space to get used to working together and not being together as a couple anymore. Trust me I have been going through this for over a year. And giving them a little manual is the only way to go. Bite size specific instructions laced with I care for you is the thing that feeds the ego and keeps them on side (which you need in common work place) while keeping them from bombarding you. He may bite back to get your attention to bait you. I dont think its conscious its just a little fish flailing on the beach sort of thing. But it is toys out of pram squashed by the wheels. I was really nervous about telling him I needed it to be just work. Afraid it would cause a real problem that would be noticable. But it was fine he didnt honor it fully but it got a lot better. We dont work in the same company but its very similar. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 Bite size specific instructions laced with I care for you is the thing that feeds the ego and keeps them on side (which you need in common work place) while keeping them from bombarding you. . God that's so true. It's definately a good thing to be able to understand and see their actions for what they are. Makes them seem a little childish which is something to be pitied more than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 I take it he's English? If so, all those years at public school did them no favors in my view (if that applies in your case) - follow instructions to the letter, use stealth and indirect communication to get your way, and if all else fails throw toys from pram! He needs to let you get on with it knowing that (true to some extent) you still see him as a good guy. God forbid he had to face the idea that his conduct was less than gentlemanly... Not in your interests to point that out as you know - peace in the workplace that is your goal and peace of mind for you. Give him the gentle instructions solicit cooperation "as a friend" they like that knowing you still consider them to be a friend and it will get easier. And in these turbulent times we all need all the friends we can get. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Its taken me a long time but I realized that the key is to figure out what you need and what you want. You wanted him, that is not on the table. So what do you want now. You want to be relaxed at work and you want to be able to move on. Others will say take a hard line approach but you havent so far as I know posted a brutal story all As are brutal emotionally for all involved but nothing outrageously ugly and Jerry Springerish so far as I remember. If it were you wouldnt be so concerned about hurting him. I know for my part I still love MM would do most anything for him. I am fiercely protective of him. But he lost my heart in the romantic sense. And I dont know if he could ever get that back even if he were single. Im loyal but not a masochist. So its a tricky path to tread but it can be done. You just need to keep your goals in mind. You arent doing this for him. You are doing this for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 I take it he's English? If so, all those years at public school did them no favors in my view (if that applies in your case) God forbid he had to face the idea that his conduct was less than gentlemanly... . haha! True, I think I'll go and watch 'Brideshead' Revisited' to remind myself... Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Well done. Take it to the country with you this weekend... LOL. Straightforward bad boy behavior is so much easier to read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 Yes, I'll watch it in between the foxhunt and clay shooting this afternoon Behaviour is behaviour - be it bad-boy or etonian. I guess the trick is to strip away all the words that come tumbling out their lying little mouths and concentrate on their actions. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Oh my God we are living the same nightmare. I find the old boy stuff much harder to decipher... but that is where I ended up. The words dont matter. But they communicate differently. At least in my experience. The code is different. But you know that code. Just put on your wellies and get to work! if he is in the city he is in a tiz over the state of things and is drawing on you for support indirectly. (at least that is what I am finding) But that is not your problem. Try my tactic. I promise you it works. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 if he is in the city he is in a tiz over the state of things and is drawing on you for support indirectly. (at least that is what I am finding) But that is not your problem. Try my tactic. I promise you it works. Yeah.. he is in *such* a tiz that the poor man just *had* to go and book a week in Mauritius for him and his woman. Poor wee soul... Messages galore from him today. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 bless his cotton socks... if hes lucky maybe his Lehmans stock will buy him a coffee while he is there.... Do the thing. Respond to one of the emails with the I am asking you as a friend. It will get you what you want. Appeal to his sense of "honour". If he breaks it tell him he is not being a gentleman - anachronistic? yes. But surprising how well that works... Others reading this will barf but when in Rome... Link to post Share on other sites
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