Raider230 Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I am 26 years old, and have been married to my wife for close to two years now, she is going on 30. We have no kids right now, although we both want to sometime soon. Our marriage got off to a very unusual start….when we got back from the honeymoon, my dad informed us that he had moved out and left my mom. They had been married for close to 30 years. My wife’s parents are divorced; her dad left her mom and married his mistress a long time ago. My parents, my wife and I are strong Christians and my wife has always looked up to my family as sort of a role model. I knew my parents didn’t fight, just didn’t communicate and that was what had my dad wanting to leave. Since then we have dealt with my younger sister in college, going through depression, counseling, being suicidal, etc. She is doing better and my mom has been a constant mess since. Going though this throws your marriage into a loop, especially balancing family and a brand new wife. I feel like I have done very well. A lot of those issues we have moved beyond, but my wife doesn’t really care to see or speak to my mom and sister anymore. She thinks they are selfish, etc. I must say that they used to speak daily and had great relationships. She loves them, but views them as people who hurt her and us as a couple. Other issues that have been major road blocks for us include my infatuation with sports. In particular football from my alma matter. It is may favorite activity to follow, the only one I would choose if there was only one….Its hard for me to grasp that someone would hate for you to do or follow something they love. I have worked on giving her more attention than football, she deserves it….she doesn’t see that I have though. We also have had some political differences that really upset us when we discuss our beliefs…even though we would talk about it prior to marriage, you make it work back then. She is diagnosed obsessive compulsive; she is very orderly and neat. She would assume not work and stay at home with kids right now. She has gotten into a job where she loves the company and has trouble with her coworkers. She works long hours. Admittedly, there is a VP in the company that pays close attention to her, but she is uncomfortable with the situation to say the least. She says she loves the attention. Neither of us would ever cheat, its not in either of our hearts. Early in the marriage I used to be a “guy” to much. Too much joking and not enough romanticism. I have slowly changed that as best I can knowing it has hurt the way she looks at me. She has mentioned before she is becoming less attracted to me…I try to kiss, initiate sex…we still have not had it in over a month and a half. She is borderline depressed. I am sure its work, relationships, etc. We both express that we love each other, everyday. I know relationship loose luster, but we are both confused where this is going….so much is lacking. The friendship and love is there, the romantic sides are not. Seems that with all we have been through we should be closer, not further apart. I know I can’t make everyone understand us, our hearts, our personalities, etc…but what are you initial thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Other issues that have been major road blocks for us include my infatuation with sports. In particular football from my alma matter. It is may favorite activity to follow, the only one I would choose if there was only one….Its hard for me to grasp that someone would hate for you to do or follow something they love. I have worked on giving her more attention than football, she deserves it….she doesn’t see that I have though. Were you a sports guy when you met, courted and got engaged? Why would your wife ask you to give this up now? Although I'm not sure what "infatuation" with sports means to you - are you watching ESPN 12 hours a day? You might have to post more information to put this in perspective. Admittedly, there is a VP in the company that pays close attention to her, but she is uncomfortable with the situation to say the least. She says she loves the attention. There is an obvious contradiction in saying she's "uncomfortable" but "loves the attention". What are your feelings about this and have you discussed them with her? More info, please... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 From a woman's perspective: your wife likely resents the attention you paid to your sis and mom during what was supposed to be 'your time', and believes that she is and will always be second player to your family of origin. Like if it came down to her or your sister, she'd lose, every time. She's avoiding contact because she doesn't want to lay down that kind of nasty ultimatum. Them or me? She knows it's not fair and she respects your concern, and she's afraid she'll lose. Again. As far as the sports/guy thing: she had to know what she was in for, right? Did you downplay your guyness during the courting and threw it on her once you were married? FOUL! But if you've been consistently yourself through all this, then she has no right to insist that you change because she's got papers on you now. ALL THAT SAID...the first few years are tough. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
High Plains Drifter Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I am 26 years old, and have been married to my wife for close to two years now, she is going on 30. We have no kids right now, although we both want to sometime soon. ... major road blocks for us include my infatuation with sports. In particular football from my alma matter. It is may favorite activity to follow, the only one I would choose if there was only one….Its hard for me to grasp that someone would hate for you to do or follow something they love. I have worked on giving her more attention than football, she deserves it….she doesn’t see that I have though.... Early in the marriage I used to be a “guy” to much. Too much joking and not enough romanticism. I have slowly changed that as best I can knowing it has hurt the way she looks at me. ........ I know I can’t make everyone understand us, our hearts, our personalities, etc…but what are you initial thoughts? My initial thoughts are that you shouldn't change, particularly if it has emasculated you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raider230 Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 Thanks for the insight everyone! To answer a few of the response's questions... My wife has always known my love for football, etc. She feels like she competes for time. I don't watch but a few games a week to be honest...I'm not addicted to ESPN, in fact hardly watch it...but I do make time for a few games during the week. She comes from a very close family, not into sports, so she doesn't understand really. I tell her she will be caught in the same situation more than likely had she married anyone else. I agree with her feeling like she was competing with my family. She has mentioned that before, however now, I have become frustrated with my family and don't see them or speak with them near as much...I have my own relationship to work on and be happy with. Her issues are more that she can't accept them and their troubles...they are ongoing. I have never complained about the drama I married into! (her parents are divorced by way of her dad remarried to his mistress). All of these things have brought us to a standstill. Our basic viewpoint is that we both love each other deeply, communicate well, we are tired after work, we don't have sex or have a romantic relationship any longer, etc. A rather dangerous spot for a 2 year marriage. I just wish there was more in common, more desire to be free and fun on her part. I have my issues too and don't want to be selfish...but both men and women have needs. Link to post Share on other sites
george35 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 She has mentioned she is becoming less attracted to you and no sex for a month and a half … dude, I hate calling people dude, but cmon, what’s up with that? I agree with “Mr. Lucky”; “There is an obvious contradiction in saying she's "uncomfortable" but "loves the attention" from a guy at work and how long has she been putting in a lot of overtime? I’m not suggesting anything is going on other than wondering if she is motivated to put in overtime because she gets the recognition and attention she needs because of it. Maybe she “loves” the attention because she doesn’t feel she has to compete with your family or football to get it. Just a thought. It sounds like you and your wife need to set your priorities in your marriage; What’s most important to you; your marriage, football, your mother and sister and in what order? You wrote that; you think she’s more important than football and place football just above sex in your list of priorities, (at least I think it was sex you where referring to). You also wrote; “I have worked on giving her more attention than football, she deserves it….she doesn’t see that I have though”. If she doesn’t see it that way it sounds like an issue. Have you talked about it, have you asked her what would make her feel like she was more important than football? I just think you need to decide what is important to you and if your wife and marriage is at the top you and your wife need to talk about it and make some decisions. I understand she knew about your love of football before you and her got married but I wonder; before you got married, while you where dating, did you actually watch football as much or did your behavior change once you settled into marriage? I’m just asking something you may want to ask your wife. The truth is in the eye of the beholder. As far as political differences, my wife and I vote sometimes just to cancel each out others vote, LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 My wife has always known my love for football, etc. She feels like she competes for time. I don't watch but a few games a week to be honest...I'm not addicted to ESPN, in fact hardly watch it...but I do make time for a few games during the week. She comes from a very close family, not into sports, so she doesn't understand really. How long was your dating and engagement? Did she feel like she was competing with football then? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raider230 Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 our engagement was for about 8 months. I think football has been blown out of proportion...I mean I play fantasy football, watch a couple college games saturdays and a couple NFL games on Sundays...that is all I really ask and need, not a full weekends worth. She says she feels lonely when it comes to football season (its only like 15 weeks out of 52 and there are more diehards than I). All of these issues are not the disagreements and hurt feelings they once were. We have gotten through a lot of that in learning how do deal with one anothers likes and dislikes, etc....but where we are now is product of all of that. We communicate, hang out, etc...we are great friends with no marriage benefits so to speak. No desire on either part for romanticism....although we both want to, we dont feel it etc. I don't want it to be like that anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Hmmm, she's become less attracted to you..And she has a 'somebody' at work who is close to her? Honestly, I would be concerned about that..Don't brush it off as no big deal because if she IS talking to this guy, opening up with him about her frustrations in the marriage, HE WILL take advantage of her and go for her vunerability.. She is just using the football to make waves, and give herself REASON to turn to another man. Just a theory, but please don't disguard it. START asking her questions about this guy. Watch her reactions. Tell her you'd like to meet him..Again watch her reaction. Is she on the computer alot? Check her cell alot? Look for little red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
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