Don't know what to say...

[blueberry]

If you follow my original thread a lot of people bashed me about the whole church thing and how much of hypocrite I am doing what I'm doing. I really don't care what people say as I'm working to better myself. Like I've said I'm not proud of what I've done.

 

 

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that eh.

 

This is probably more upsetting for you than it is for others in your situation as you are more aware of the moral code you are supposed to be living by.

 

Often it is society that takes on the role of God and so people are very quick to judge.

 

The bible speaks a lot about forgiveness and people construe that as having to stay in uphappy situations. And it's with this same twisted logic that women in abusive marriages stay. Yes, the bible DOES say a lot about forgiveness, but it says nothing about having to stay.

 

Have you spoken to your church leader?

[jj33]

I couldnt agree more. With no disrespect to those who gain great solace from their faith, religion is wonderful but it is used to justify all sorts of things that are not helpful (e.g. no condoms in africa where AIDS is rife).

 

Stay strong Confused. You are a lot less confused than most . Are there any womens organizations in your area that can help MW? The church is perhaps not the best source of support in this instance.

[Reggie]

I'd consider bailing. Good chance the plan to introduce you later, as a legitimate new love interest won't hold up. My XWW tried the same. Nobody bought it and her family is pissed. I just had too much evidence(PI, phone records, receipts, etc).

I don't know how your affair partner's family will feel. Maybe they are okay with adultery. But, it's unlikely they won't figure this out.

In my situation, the OM cannot set foot on any of her family's premises, can't go to Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.

I get invited to breakfast at my X's folks each Saturday and paly golf with her brothers and dad. Been on 2 vacations with these guys to play golf, too.

Sucks for the OM and the pressure eventually made him bail. My kids hated him , as well.

Do you know, first hand the H is abusive? WS's dispense a lot of misinformation in that regard. Usually, the OP does not take a real hard look at the representations as the need to justify is great.

[blueberry]

The church is perhaps not the best source of support in this instance.

 

 

Good idea. It may help her to get balanced, objective advice from an independent organisation that isn't tied down by moral obligations.

[Confused4Now]

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that eh.

 

This is probably more upsetting for you than it is for others in your situation as you are more aware of the moral code you are supposed to be living by.

 

Often it is society that takes on the role of God and so people are very quick to judge.

 

The bible speaks a lot about forgiveness and people construe that as having to stay in uphappy situations. And it's with this same twisted logic that women in abusive marriages stay. Yes, the bible DOES say a lot about forgiveness, but it says nothing about having to stay.

 

Have you spoken to your church leader?

 

I have talked to the pastor about sitting down with him to let him know my situation. I wanted to get some guidance and his thoughts on things. I'm planning on seeing him this coming week.....

[blueberry]

I have talked to the pastor about sitting down with him to let him know my situation. I wanted to get some guidance and his thoughts on things. I'm planning on seeing him this coming week.....

 

 

Great. Please keep us updated. I hope you get some answers from him.

(Just don't forget to balance it out with advice from us "sinners" - heh)

 

One thing - does the Pastor know the woman in question? I think you mentioned you go to different churchs but are in the same bible study together. I assume he will be obligated to listen to you in confidence?

[Confused4Now]

Great. Please keep us updated. I hope you get some answers from him.

(Just don't forget to balance it out with advice from us "sinners" - heh)

 

One thing - does the Pastor know the woman in question? I think you mentioned you go to different churchs but are in the same bible study together. I assume he will be obligated to listen to you in confidence?

 

Yes... different churches but both pastor and her know each other. I will not disclose who she is when I talked to him though.

[jj33]

Yes... different churches but both pastor and her know each other. I will not disclose who she is when I talked to him though.

 

Even so you want his promise that it is confidential. You may not expressly identify her but that doesnt mean he may not figure it out.

[blueberry]

Even so you want his promise that it is confidential. You may not expressly identify her but that doesnt mean he may not figure it out.

 

 

Yep... churches are like big familes - possibly he's already figured it out.

 

Or *will* figure it out.

 

Anyhoo - you don't want to jeopardise her or her reputation, so tread carefully.

 

I'm sure you are well aware of this though.

[Confused4Now]

For those who are interested. We are still on a holding pattern with everything. Looks like H is more out of the house than in now. She's really trying to keep things separated so to speak. We did talk of a plan so she can take steps to move forward.

 

On a good note we went to a dinner/concert the other night. It was the first time she's ever held my hand in public. She really did not care about looking over her shoulder. I asked her about it and she said she doesn't even care anymore. So I have to say that was one of the best times we had cause it felt like a real date.

 

I also told her to stay focus on what she needs to do so we can have more of these types of nights in the future. I've continued with my therapy and i'm finding more and more things about myself. I have a enabling personality.. I always feel I have to rescue someone or helping someone. That is why I'm so focused with my MW and I get so obsessed when things don't progress. I'm learning how to establish boundaries and give her space to handle her business.

 

I don't see us being able to be together at Thanksgiving ...but Christmas is a possibility. I think the H might reserved to the fact this marriage might be at an end, but we'll see how it all turns out.... stay tuned.

[whichwayisup]

Since you are seeing a therapist, and working on you, I certainly hope you allow her space and time to work on herself as well. She CANNOT end a marriage and quickly start a new life with you. Don't move in with her, don't have sex either. TAKE IT SLOW. Date her, and do this properly. Another thing, don't get your hopes up that she'll be with you at Christmas, that way you won't be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

[Confused4Now]

Well it's been a hard long road for me....but I think I have fallen to being another statistics of not making it. The other day say MW says she's ready to move on and the Christmas deadline is probably not going to happen. She wanted to get it out there cause she feel its not fair to me. HMMMMMM I wonder where I heard that one before.

 

So before you know it we are talking NC and how she doesn't know what hold the H has on her. Being in a abusive marriage I kept telling her her only option is to remove herself but she didn't do it. He just kept working his way back in more and more till she admitted to having sex with twice since he moved out.

 

So I was pretty upset about the whole thing...I told her we need to both find out what we need... and not to contact me in anyway. We will see how long that last. I decided to take a whole week off and go totally offline and drive and be alone and figure out what I want in my life now.

[Confused4Now]

Well it's been a hard long road for me....but I think I have fallen to being another statistics of not making it. The other day say MW says she's not ready to move on and the Christmas deadline is probably not going to happen. She wanted to get it out there cause she feel its not fair to me. HMMMMMM I wonder where I heard that one before.

 

So before you know it we are talking NC and how she doesn't know what hold the H has on her. Being in a abusive marriage I kept telling her her only option is to remove herself but she didn't do it. He just kept working his way back in more and more till she admitted to having sex with twice since he moved out.

 

So I was pretty upset about the whole thing...I told her we need to both find out what we need... and not to contact me in anyway. We will see how long that last. I decided to take a whole week off and go totally offline and drive and be alone and figure out what I want in my life now.

[Mino]

I'd consider bailing. Good chance the plan to introduce you later, as a legitimate new love interest won't hold up. My XWW tried the same. Nobody bought it and her family is pissed. I just had too much evidence(PI, phone records, receipts, etc).

I don't know how your affair partner's family will feel. Maybe they are okay with adultery. But, it's unlikely they won't figure this out.

In my situation, the OM cannot set foot on any of her family's premises, can't go to Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.

I get invited to breakfast at my X's folks each Saturday and paly golf with her brothers and dad. Been on 2 vacations with these guys to play golf, too.

Sucks for the OM and the pressure eventually made him bail. My kids hated him , as well.

Do you know, first hand the H is abusive? WS's dispense a lot of misinformation in that regard. Usually, the OP does not take a real hard look at the representations as the need to justify is great.

Is there not a point where you step back from your ex inlaws? Do you not have a family of your own? No disrepect here, but that just sounds crazy, vacations weekly dinners, holidays..ect... You are divorced, yes?

[NoIDidn't]

Since leaving my wife...and starting my divorce. I've began going to back to church however I'm not going to the same church my MW goes to. We are doing a Bible study together even though it's not CO-ED.

 

If you follow my original thread a lot of people bashed me about the whole church thing and how much of hypocrite I am doing what I'm doing. I really don't care what people say as I'm working to better myself. Like I've said I'm not proud of what I've done.

 

I didn't read the original thread and won't call you a hypocrite, but I do have something to say about this.

 

This is the reason that church rolls are shrinking. One cannot say they follow one set of beliefs but blatantly disregard the ones that don't fit their agendas. We can't claim to be working to better ourselves when we seek to deny the huge adulterous elephant in the room. Denial rarely has positive outcomes.

 

I am not holding you personally responsible for the churches, but it is part of a larger pattern in Christian circles. And its sad. I am far from casting a stone at you. Its just that self examination requires more than just shame at past indiscretions and denial of what those indiscretions really are.

 

And I know I said I won't call you a hypocrite, but what exactly is the term used when people act in violation of their stated values and then try to be dismissive about it when called on it? Yeah. Hypocrisy.

 

.

[NoIDidn't]

Is there not a point where you step back from your ex inlaws? Do you not have a family of your own? No disrepect here, but that just sounds crazy, vacations weekly dinners, holidays..ect... You are divorced, yes?

 

Not everyone feels as you do. The couple decided to divorce, the family apparently didn't make that decision and it can't be forced on them either.

 

Just because their marriage didn't work out, doesn't mean his friendships with the family have to be ended too.

 

This frequently happens in circumstances after a death of a spouse too.