"Privacy" in a relationship

[watermeloncandy]

I'm just wondering how many people out there believe that when you are in a relationship, you have the right to inform your partner that they can't use your computer because you have the 'right to privacy'??

Or you don't have to disclose everything to your partner because you have the 'right to privacy'??

I'm sorry, but to me this sounds like someone who has something to hide...why else would someone feel the need for 'privacy' in a relationship. I am an open book about anything and everything and would have no problem with my partner looking at any of my stuff. I have absolutely nothing to hide. I really don't understand this 'right to privacy' thing when you are in a relationship. What the hell is so 'private' that you don't want your partner to see??? I think that breeds distrust.

Anyone else agree or can help me understand if you do feel that you have the right to keep things 'private'??

[annieo]

I think that you have the right to the privacy of your own thoughts. All of us have some crazy thoughts (sexual and otherwise) that traverse our brains and really don't mean a lot. Or they mean a lot, but if they don't translate into action, so it's nobody's business but our own.

I suppose this might also pertain to what we look at on the computer (I'm assuming you're talking about porn). I can see how that might make you wonder if it's really weird/sick/degenerate stuff. But porn and fantasy kind of mingle.

Probably because I am not overly chaste, or proud of the funny things I've thought about/looked at, I give my h some space when it comes to the computer.

I've asked him if he masturbates to porn (answer: yes, occasionally, couple of times a month, perhaps he is being honest ), but I have no desire to see exactly what he is masturbating to. Just as I don't particularly want to share all of my fantasies/viewings with him.

Actions are different, and by this I mean live feed, chat, strip clubs, real people, etc.. That I have a right to know about (and freak out about). As he would about me.

[Art_Critic]

He probably doesn't want to have to delete his entire porn collection .... Truth...

 

He deserves his privacy.. but letting another just use your computer doesn't remove your privacy..

 

He no doubt is hiding something from your eyes... most likely either emails.. pictures or porn...

 

He should trust you enough that if you use his computer that you won't snoop..

[mental_traveller]

I'm just wondering how many people out there believe that when you are in a relationship, you have the right to inform your partner that they can't use your computer because you have the 'right to privacy'??

Or you don't have to disclose everything to your partner because you have the 'right to privacy'??

I'm sorry, but to me this sounds like someone who has something to hide...why else would someone feel the need for 'privacy' in a relationship. I am an open book about anything and everything and would have no problem with my partner looking at any of my stuff. I have absolutely nothing to hide. I really don't understand this 'right to privacy' thing when you are in a relationship. What the hell is so 'private' that you don't want your partner to see??? I think that breeds distrust.

Anyone else agree or can help me understand if you do feel that you have the right to keep things 'private'??

 

I think people should have privacy in a relationship. Some things I do e.g. things I write, things to do with work, things people have sent just to me not for someone else to read, my medical records etc are meant for me only, not for anyone else.

 

If you're an open book then that's just your personality, you don't value privacy or have much of an of inner world separate from others. Not everyone in the world is exactly like you, so perhaps you should consider being a bit more tolerant of differences. Either that or just date people who feel exactly the same as you do.

 

If I knew someone's girlfriend read everything they had on their computer, then I would never email them anything remotely personal. I wouldn't feel like I could confide in them, since a strange woman is going to be rifling through their inbox reading everything, even if it wasn't meant for her.

[mental_traveller]

He probably doesn't want to have to delete his entire porn collection .... Truth...

 

He deserves his privacy.. but letting another just use your computer doesn't remove your privacy..

 

He no doubt is hiding something from your eyes... most likely either emails.. pictures or porn...

 

He should trust you enough that if you use his computer that you won't snoop..

 

I don't let anyone use my computer, full stop. Letting anyone else on it turns it from a secure computer to an unsecure one. I also don't want the possibility that they somehow damage it, or download something or change a setting that screws it up. I don't have any porn on my computer either.

[porter218]

Well I don't care about if he has the right to privacy....he will not have it with me!!! If he wants to be 'private' then I want to be single. In my experience the only men who have gone on about how they need their privacy were the ones that had serious indiscretions they were concealing. And as soon as my H stopped cheating miraculously he didn't care anymore about his privacy...hmm.

[Art_Critic]

I don't let anyone use my computer, full stop. Letting anyone else on it turns it from a secure computer to an unsecure one. I also don't want the possibility that they somehow damage it, or download something or change a setting that screws it up. I don't have any porn on my computer either.

 

My wife uses my laptop all the time and I use her Imac...

 

There isn't anything on my laptop that my wife can't see and she won't load any software ( who would if the computer isn't theirs ? )

 

Computers aren't easy to screw up.. unless you let children play with them..

As long as your virus software is up to date then there really are no virus worries.

 

MT.. are you married or living with your SO ?

 

I don't see me letting any of my friends using my computer in the future.. because there is stuff on here that they should not see.. company stuff and the like.. as well as porn .

But those are friends and not my wife or an SO...

 

I wouldn't trust my neighbors with any info that might be seen.. but I do trust my wife.. or before I married her I trusted her and well as any other SO I had before..

[watermeloncandy]

Well I don't care about if he has the right to privacy....he will not have it with me!!! If he wants to be 'private' then I want to be single. In my experience the only men who have gone on about how they need their privacy were the ones that had serious indiscretions they were concealing. And as soon as my H stopped cheating miraculously he didn't care anymore about his privacy...hmm.

That's how I feel. If there were things from friends/family that were personal to those people, of course they have a right to privacy from me. But if he's telling me that I can't check his history, or ask who these women are he's added to facebook, or he gets a letter in the mail from someone and won't tell me who it is and what it's about because he has a 'right to privacy', then we have a problem.

Actually, my ex boyfriend completely agrees with me. It's our counsellor who is saying that he feels people have the right to keep things private. I completely disagree with that. If they want to keep something their friends or family have said, private, then that's fine, but things that directly pertain to HIM, sorry, but I think I have a right to know. And telling me that he has a right to keep things private, tells me that he is keeping secrets from me, and there are things he's doing that he doesn't want me to know about.

The counsellor is telling me that the way we think is toxic to a relationship, I think the way HE thinks is toxic to a relationship. So we agree to disagree. I just wondered how other people feel.

And I certainly won't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't agree with me.

People can think what they want, but if they want an open, honest and trusting relationship, that means not keeping secrets, and that's what, to me, this 'privacy thing' is all about...keeping secrets.

I had a ex boyfriend who was all into the privacy thing and said he didn't want me on his computer snooping around...so of course being someone with trust issues, I snooped, and he proved my point. He was chatting online with other women doing things he shouldn't be doing in a relationship. That just solidified in me that this philosophy is for those who have stuff they want to hide from you.

[Treasa]

I don't have the password to my boyfriend's email, and he doesn't have the password to mine. But he's freely let me see his emails if I happen to be with him when he's checking them, and vice versa.

 

I believe in privacy for some things, as does he, and neither one of us has ever cheated on the other or done anything inappropriate. I trust him more than I've ever trusted any man I've been with.

[shy women]

I think everyone has the right to there own privacy but in this case why cant he let you see whats going on his computer? It seems to me he could have somthing to hide. Why not say you dont need the password to his computer but could he let you in in that part of his life and not be so closed, like you said you let him know everything about your life so you both need to find a middle ground.

[Lishy]

The chances are high that he is hiding something.

 

I believe in privacy in the way that I would not want my bf to see certain emails as they are personal to my friends who sent them (friends business) and texts from friend with their personal stuff on.

 

I would also go mad if any man went through my handbag, I wont even let my son do that as it is my personal thing. All I have in there is my purse, keys and the kitchen sink but it is mine and its personal. I would never go into anyone else's bag either.

 

But re your BF, he seems a lil too touchy about it so it would get me wondering!

[CandyGirlXO]

I know exactly where you are coming from, because this has been an issue for me too in relationships.

 

As far as his computer goes, I understand not wanting your SO to look at your porn collection, but I know there are ways where he can keep his collection in a locked file or better yet get smart and name the folder something you wouldn't want to look at, like sports, or video games (something stupid like that)

 

As far as the facebook friends go, IMO you have EVERY right to know who they are etc..... This is a huge red flag for me, and I am sorry but I would be out the door. He is hiding something, and I wouldn't want to waste my time/be with someone that is being disrespectful to me or treating our R like nothing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You may want to give him the heads up on the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy allows you free access, knowing that there is no reason for you to need it. Secrecy blocks you out, knowing that there is a reason to hide something.

 

Now, that said - I personally have nothing to hide, so my computer is open and free for my husband's use. He knows that, so he doesn't look at anything in my computer. Same for me and his computer. If one or the other of us decided to snoop though, for no apparent reason - then you can believe that there would be some anger and hurt feelings there.

 

If one or the other started acting shady, coming up with excuses why the other can't go on the computer - especially throwing around 'privacy' like that, then that would throw up a red flag for either of us.

 

Everyone has a right to privacy. Things like (normal - not excessive or the type that interferes with regular sex) masturbation, fantasy during sex, etc. are private. No one has a right to hijack, question or control that. Now, that said - things like chatting up other people online and flirting with other people are not private things. They are secret things.

 

Private things do not affect relationships, but secretive things surely do if they are revealed.

[carhill]

To me, privacy is when my wife closes the bathroom door when she takes a poop

 

Yeah, I had to teach her that....

 

The rest of it? We're married...there is no such thing as privacy at least as far as I can determine

 

If I had experienced conversations similar to those related in the OP, I'd never would have proposed marriage. That kind of picking nits is too anal for me

[XNemesisX]

Well...I definitely think that someone wanting their SO's passwords to email and things like that is crossing the line. I have friends who date people like this and I can't stand it because I know I can't say anything personal to them in a message without the other person reading it. It makes that other person look nuts.

 

I personally wouldn't want someone going through my email and other sites not because I am hiding something, but also to respect my friends that have sent things not intended for others to see. I also think it's psycho and I had an ex who used to do that. I absolutely could not stand it!

 

Yes I do think there is a right to privacy.

[mental_traveller]

One thing to consider - if you've been married like 10 years or something, and are joined at the hip, then that's a bit different to if you are dating someone you have known for months or maybe a couple of years at most. It is simply unsafe to let someone you don't trust 100% pry into all your private info - they could turn out to be a bunny boiler, or go mental if you break up with them etc. Or they might just innocently gossip to friends, not knowing it might bother you. Even married people divorce and then things can turn nasty as well.

 

For those women who don't believe in privacy, I take it you are ok with your bf/husband looking through your handbag, reading emails you get from friends or work, coming into the bathroom while you're taking a dump, going with you when you get yourself waxed etc? If so then that's cool you both are comfortable with that, but not everyone feels the same.

 

Bottom line - everyone is different, so best to just find someone whose views on privacy aren't totally incompatible with your own.

[carhill]

Bottom line - everyone is different, so best to just find someone whose views on privacy aren't totally incompatible with your own.

 

Yep, that's about it, and, more precisely, largely compatible. I like my alone time when taking a dump

[norajane]

You may want to give him the heads up on the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy allows you free access, knowing that there is no reason for you to need it. Secrecy blocks you out, knowing that there is a reason to hide something.

 

Now, that said - I personally have nothing to hide, so my computer is open and free for my husband's use. He knows that, so he doesn't look at anything in my computer. Same for me and his computer. If one or the other of us decided to snoop though, for no apparent reason - then you can believe that there would be some anger and hurt feelings there.

 

If one or the other started acting shady, coming up with excuses why the other can't go on the computer - especially throwing around 'privacy' like that, then that would throw up a red flag for either of us.

 

Everyone has a right to privacy. Things like (normal - not excessive or the type that interferes with regular sex) masturbation, fantasy during sex, etc. are private. No one has a right to hijack, question or control that. Now, that said - things like chatting up other people online and flirting with other people are not private things. They are secret things.

 

Private things do not affect relationships, but secretive things surely do if they are revealed.

 

Thank you - that's exactly how I feel about it, but I wouldn't have been able to articulate it this clearly and this well.

[Enema]

It's probably porn.

 

If this site is any indication of how women think, then he's got about a 50/50 chance of getting a chick that's retarded about the subject.

 

He's doing the privacy thing until he knows which side of the fence you fall.

[watermeloncandy]

Thank you - that's exactly how I feel about it, but I wouldn't have been able to articulate it this clearly and this well.

 

yep, i agree with that as well.

 

Just to clarify - my COUNSELLOR is the one telling me that about 'privacy' - not my boyfriend (well, he's now my ex at this point) - he actually agrees with me. My OTHER ex boyfriend is the one that had privacy issues as well and it ended up he was doing the online sex thing with women while in a relationship with me, which is why he didn't want me on his computer.

 

I just can't believe a COUNSELLOR would tell me that if my partner informs me that he doesn't want me going on his computer because he has a right to privacy, that that's ok....maybe for some people, but NOT me, therefore i wouldn't be with someone who would think like that.

The counsellor was basically telling me that my belief in that was wrong, which is WRONG of him as a counsellor, to do. He was trying to force what HE believes is right, onto me..or so I felt.

Our next session will be interesting...I'm going to ask him what he thinks is OK to keep private from your partner.

Yes, masturbation and looking at porn is a 'sensitive' thing but I'd rather him be honest about it than lie and do it....but that's a touchy subject with a lot of people in being honest about...

[carhill]

I just can't believe a COUNSELLOR would tell me that if my partner informs me that he doesn't want me going on his computer because he has a right to privacy, that that's ok....maybe for some people, but NOT me, therefore i wouldn't be with someone who would think like that.

 

It's perfectly acceptable for your partner to make that request and you have to decide whether it's healthy for your to honor and respect it. He can request that you not jump off a cliff but if you're hell bent on suicide, well, there ya go. No one can control your actions. You control them. Was your boyfriend's request reasonable? Perhaps have your counselor explore your perspective on that question.

 

IME, a good counselor/psychologist will challenge your behaviors and standards. It's part of how they get to your truth. They should not tell you how to think, although, when you're in a defensive emotional state, you might think they are. Ask me how I know this Nearly a year of MC. My psych guy and myself have sparred many a time. Kudo's to him for hanging in there. I hope you'll do the same. That said, if you find the fit with your counselor to be uncomfortable, make them aware and ask to be referred out. They do this all the time. Finding a good fit is imperative for effective therapy.

[stoopid_guy]

Everyone has a right to some privacy, and to have their "own stuff." My wife doesn't go into my wallet without asking, nor would I go into her purse. We each have our own laptops, and seperate user accounts on the family desktop. We don't even drive each other's cars without asking (though both our names are on the titles of both cars.) I don't walk in on her when she's "doing her business" in the bathroom, and she doesn't do that to me either (though she may want to, that was a point of friction early in our relationship.)

 

Most people need a certain degree of "space." You have to respect the other's desires in that regard if you want the relationship to work.

[allina]

Everyone has the right to privacy! My SO and I trust each other 100% yet still respect each other's privacy. It's not about hiding anoything.

 

For example, my SO knows about this forum, and knows that I post here a lot. He knows that I've poured my heart out on LS for a long time and will not come here to view my posts. He knows I'm not hiding anything on here but that this is my place to vent and post so he respect my privacy by never coming to LS.

 

I don't go through my bf's wallet or read his e-mail to respect his privacy. We live together and use each other's computers but that doesn't mean we're not allowed a private thought. I know I wouldn't find anything "bad" in his wallet and he wouldn't in mine but I think it's common decency to leave your SO's stuff alone.

[Stung]

agreed wholeheartedly re: difference between privacy and secrecy. it sounds like your ex might have been a little fanatical on the secrecy side...on the other hand, it also sounds like that could have been because you were fanatical about pursuing every little detail. sure, if my fiance needs to get something out of my purse or asks me who i was just on the phone with, it's no big deal. and i DO let him on my computer...but that's because a) he's the one who fixes it and b) i TRUST him not to go through everything on it. i DO have his email password, but only because he once needed me to get some information out of it in an emergency, and i have NEVER looked in there otherwise; he does not have mine, at this moment. my computer is not packed full of porn, although there is a little bit on there; he knows about that, he's watched it with me, and i found it more interesting than he did. but i wouldn't want him going through my personal emails, or reading all of the posts about him on here, even though i will most likely show him some of those posts myself later, because they tend to be my way of sorting out my thoughts about issues we need to talk about, and i express myself better on paper. i need a certain amount of privacy in order to choose when and what to show him, and if he tried to take that away from me, i would consider it extremely controlling and i would immediately become defensive and resentful. i'm a writer, also; what my computer IS full of are works in progress, articles, research, notes, half-finished manuscripts. is it "hiding something" if i don't want him to read it? it's not finished, i won't let anybody read it. he can read all of my published material, any old time he wants to, but i would fight him tooth and nail to keep my unfinished writing private if he were snooping around in it, and if i didn't trust him to respect me enough to leave it alone, i would be highly defensive and start reacting differently even to innocuous questions about my mail.

 

i don't know if you have a painful history that makes you suspicious or not. porter's position seems understandable to me...her husband was cheating, she has a right to demand he become an open book to her, to protect herself and her family. but it kind of sounds like you might have had a habit of policing and controlling your boyfriend, with no concrete reason. IMO, that would be what your counselor was trying to steer you away from.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I think if you're demanding entry into a private space without cause or suspicion, then you're wrong to do so.

 

If someone is telling you, without demand, that certain parts of his life are off limits to you, then that's a clue!

 

Really, you can drive yourself nuts with unfounded suspicions. May as well just trust them until they give you reason not to, save yourself a lot of useless digging for dirt that isn't there.

 

With us, we each have passwords and access, and with that, we find that we don't need to use them. We do have different accounts on the computer, and that's because he kept deleting my files since "he didn't need them and didn't know what they were." lol. I can't tell you how many ads and articles I lost to his 'helpful cleanup' of the files. Get off my computer!