first counselling session together..ugh...

[watermeloncandy]

Oh my god…I don’t know what to feel now…

My ex and I went to my counsellor today to see if the counsellor can help ex with his anger management issues or make some suggestions on where to get help.

It was determined during our session that both ex and I still want this relationship to work, but the reality is that unless ex changes his ways, it will never happen. Actually, when the counsellor asked him if he wanted a relationship with me, ex nodded his head, then when the counsellor asked me, I felt put on the spot and didn’t know what to say. I do (and said that but also that we‘d have to see), but also I’m still angry about how he disrespected me after the break up and haven’t talked to him yet about how hurt I am over that, and I don’t know if it’s something I can forgive him for…. So I don’t know which way is up right now.

Afterwards he said he’s going to ‘think about’ whether or not he wants to start seeing the counsellor. He’s concerned that he’s going to hear the same crap he’s heard before that he doesn’t agree with. I told him to tell this all to the counsellor. He needs to be upfront about his feelings and then the counsellor will be able to know how to get what is needed out of him.

Anyways, I guess I’m just all confused now because I don’t know what the hell is going on and what kind of a relationship ex and I have…what’s my role?? What’s his role?? What are we doing???

I think it’s going to take ex a long time to get better…do I want to stick around for this? If we aren’t in a relationship, then what are we doing during all of this?

So he goes for his counselling, I go for mine, and then we go together…??? That was suggested.

I just feel like I’m flailing around right now and don’t know what the hell is going on with this!

Ex did say that he realizes he needs help before something terrible happens, and then he stopped and said, “well something terrible has already happened, I lost her” (meaning me). I got this incredible wave of emotion and jus started sobbing - the room actually started spinning - I was just so overcome by emotion to hear him say that. And then I looked over at ex and he was wiping tears from the corner of his eyes. I was so flabbergasted at his show of emotion I really didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. The counsellor did a good job of summing up my display of emotion though and the impact that his statement had on me, and on himself as well.

When I dropped ex off at home I thanked him for going to the session and thanked him for what he said. I didn’t say too much during the session (and what I did say I felt wasn’t very succinct since I was really nervous about the whole thing..so when I did open my mouth I was all tongue-tied). He gave me a hug and said he’d think about this over the weekend and call the counsellor on Monday.

I just don’t know what to do…my next session by myself isn’t until Wednesday. I guess I’m going to just have to wait to talk to the counsellor more about this and where I go from here. In the meantime, I just not contact ex until he contacts me to tell me his decision, and then we just maintain contact when it’s only related to the counselling…??

Things were so much easier when I just wanted to tell him off, slam the door, and never see him again….lol

Sorry I know this is long..I’m babbling..I’m just venting and confused….

 

god, when do you know when to pull the plug, or keep going to see if it will actually work out????

[badnewsbeers]

Well.. just from a guy's perspective, in a similar situation... if he was willing to go to therapy and he said those things, I'm impressed. For myself, and for a lot of guys i've talked to about it, therapy is terrifying (especially couples, because we're worried that we're going to get cut up in front of not only you but a stranger). If he can go and then make a comment like that and even make the effort... At the very least he's taking a huge step.

 

Whether it's worth it depends on how he behaved before all this, but I think props to him for doing this.

[sunshinegirl]

Gosh...that's hard. It seems so hopeful and in your shoes, I might want to stick things out. It's great that he sees a problem and is willing to address it.

 

On the other hand, these kinds of issues from what I understand take a LOT of work over a LONG period of time. No guarantees. And do you want to be the person to see him through all this work... only to (a) have him ultimately not make the progress you need to stay in the relationship or (b) have him "get better" and leave you to find someone who doesn't know about all of his prior "baggage"?

 

Ugh. I don't envy you. (((hugs)))

[watermeloncandy]

Well.. just from a guy's perspective, in a similar situation... if he was willing to go to therapy and he said those things, I'm impressed. For myself, and for a lot of guys i've talked to about it, therapy is terrifying (especially couples, because we're worried that we're going to get cut up in front of not only you but a stranger). If he can go and then make a comment like that and even make the effort... At the very least he's taking a huge step.

 

Whether it's worth it depends on how he behaved before all this, but I think props to him for doing this.

 

yep, i agreee wholeheartedly. i give him a tremendous amount of credit for at least trying this. it shows me how much he does care. thanks for saying that, badnewsbeers.

[watermeloncandy]

Gosh...that's hard. It seems so hopeful and in your shoes, I might want to stick things out. It's great that he sees a problem and is willing to address it.

 

On the other hand, these kinds of issues from what I understand take a LOT of work over a LONG period of time. No guarantees. And do you want to be the person to see him through all this work... only to (a) have him ultimately not make the progress you need to stay in the relationship or (b) have him "get better" and leave you to find someone who doesn't know about all of his prior "baggage"?

 

Ugh. I don't envy you. (((hugs)))

 

thanks sunshinegirl.

well, i ended up going to see him last night. i just couldn't stay away after our session. i felt like i really needed to talk to him and also finally tell him how i felt about the facebook thing, etc.

we talked for a couple of hours.

it boiled down to again, we both love each other, want a relationship with each other, but can't have one the way things are. he needs help but he doesn't know how that's going to work out, and it'll take a long time.

i told him how changing his facebook, and adding this girl hurt me. i don't think he was particularly understanding about it. he said i was reading way more into it than there actually was, which is true to a degree, but he did understand how i could be upset if i let my imagination get away from me. i suppose so. i knew i wasn't going to hear anything from him that was much different than that. he again said this girl was really 'nothing' and he just added her since she was on his msn list..whatever...it's over with. and he was upset that i checked his history and saw he was on flings.com but he didn't offer any explanation. i think he was embarrassed. he did clearly indicate that his actions had nothing to do with him discarding me or not loving me, it was just his way of dealing with it. oh well, at least he knows now and i've gotten it off my chest. i told him that i understand that guys and girls deal with breakups differently and i just wanted him to know the effect his actions had on me. so that's that.

he's going to make a decision about what he's going to do about his own therapy on monday, and then go from there.

although we didn't talk about this yet, probably the best thing all round is for us to just have no more contact. maybe in 6 months time we can email each other and see how we are doing, but i think for both our hearts, we need to just not contact each other anymore. it makes me want to throw up, thinking about no more contact with him, but i know it's for the best.

i don't think it would be fair for me to put my life on hold waiting to see if he does get better. and the way he talked last night, i see this is going to be a long process for him, if he even does stick it out.

i did get a lot of emotion out of him last night and a lot more about how he's feeling about the break up, so that helped me as well.

saying goodbye is going to kill me.....

[nowhereman82]

No one wants to be accused, feel accused, feel inferior, vulnerable, etc....especially guys and especially guys with anger issues.

 

Him going, him crying, him making that statement is a step...a good one but only a step

 

Don't get distracted and stop going to counceling.

 

Also that flings thing....there was numerous times in my relationship that I would flirt or prowl, but I NEVER took it further than that because I loved my ex. I imagine he is the same. Sometimes people just want to feel validated or for a brief minute their penis gets the best of them and the heart has to beat it down

[watermeloncandy]

No one wants to be accused, feel accused, feel inferior, vulnerable, etc....especially guys and especially guys with anger issues.

 

Him going, him crying, him making that statement is a step...a good one but only a step

 

Don't get distracted and stop going to counceling.

 

Also that flings thing....there was numerous times in my relationship that I would flirt or prowl, but I NEVER took it further than that because I loved my ex. I imagine he is the same. Sometimes people just want to feel validated or for a brief minute their penis gets the best of them and the heart has to beat it down

 

i find it amazing how different men and women really are and that we are actually able to co-exist, for the most part. and it's so hard to understand each other. he doesnt understand how i'd be hurt by how he's handling the break up, and i don't understand how he'd do something like that (even if he was just looking..how could he even think of something sexual...?) but i know it's a guy thing....

his going to counselling was a big step for him, and he said he wouldn't have bothered going if he didn't love me, so i'm hoping that that love is motivation enough for him to continue to seek help.

i just don't know where to go from here, myself.

well, i do actually - i need to end all contact, as much as it hurts...

i feel really horrible, though, about leaving him on his own to deal with this. i want to be there to support him, but is that fair on me and my own life?

he's gotta deal with his sh*t but can/will he do it on his own??

i guess it's his battle to fight...i need to let him do it, if he's going to.

but how do i go on with my own life??????????

[amor]

Watermeloncandy...your situation sounds a lot like mine, but how did you get your boyfriend to go to therapy with you? My thread is posted below. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks!!

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1826783#post1826783

[amor]

P.S. Facebook is the worst...

[watermeloncandy]

hi amor

 

i'd suggest you not worry about getting him to counselling. you get yourself to counselling and work on yourself. he sounds toxic to you, to be honest.

he doesn't sound mature enough to be in a serious, committed relationship, and he doesn't sound like he's willing to take any responsibility for his actions. he's all over the page when it comes to you.

i'd really really really strongly encourage you to let him go and move on. you are young and at your age, there are a tonne of responsible, caring, good guys out there. you deserve better. ((hugs))

 

my ex is 36, and he knows he has a problem. he was willing to go for counselling because he recognizes this and he said also because he loves me. he's taking all the responsibility for the demise of our relationship and owning up to it. the only problem is whether or not he's strong enough to get the help he needs.

i asked, and he went. i can't do any more at this point. the rest is up to him.

 

i really despise facebook...i feel angry every time i hear someone mention the word...i know i'm going to have a problem if the next guy i meet has a profile on facebook..but i guess that's part of what i need to work on when it comes to trust.

but i've heard other people mention that facebook breeds bad behaviour as well.....

[amor]

Watermeloncandy-

 

Thank you for the advice. I am calling a counselor tomorrow to get an appointment. I need to really get my confidence back, so I think with the help of a professional, I will get to the root of all of this. Funny thing is, I was confident up until I started finding things out...and instead of confronting him, I let it build up inside of me until one day it all came out. He was not willing to fess up to anything. I just always chalked it up to him being immature, and that he would outgrow it. But the more I keep thinking about it, the more I see that the root of all of this was that he lied to everyone about things...which leads me to believe that he will never change. It is a shame, though, because I was willing to work on these issues with him. It is not the first time he left, and he always came back, and when he did, he talked a good talk and accepted the blame. But then I caught him in lies again. Such stupid lies, though. I am all for "alone" time..believe me, I need my space too. But after 2 1/2 years of having a relationship in a vacuum, I was fed up, and I think I had every right to be. BUt now he claims that he loves me and will do anything for me, but that we can never be because for the past 6 months our relationship was like a rollercoaster. I told him that we need to communicate more effectiely, and now he says that it is too late. I really love him and I do not want to give up hope. But until he comes to realilze that he needs to take some responsibility, there is nothing I can do. It takes two to tango.

 

On another subject, facebook is the worst, hopefully it is just a fad and it will die down by the time we are ready to move on!!!

[watermeloncandy]

Watermeloncandy-

 

Thank you for the advice. I am calling a counselor tomorrow to get an appointment. I need to really get my confidence back, so I think with the help of a professional, I will get to the root of all of this. Funny thing is, I was confident up until I started finding things out...and instead of confronting him, I let it build up inside of me until one day it all came out. He was not willing to fess up to anything. I just always chalked it up to him being immature, and that he would outgrow it. But the more I keep thinking about it, the more I see that the root of all of this was that he lied to everyone about things...which leads me to believe that he will never change. It is a shame, though, because I was willing to work on these issues with him. It is not the first time he left, and he always came back, and when he did, he talked a good talk and accepted the blame. But then I caught him in lies again. Such stupid lies, though. I am all for "alone" time..believe me, I need my space too. But after 2 1/2 years of having a relationship in a vacuum, I was fed up, and I think I had every right to be. BUt now he claims that he loves me and will do anything for me, but that we can never be because for the past 6 months our relationship was like a rollercoaster. I told him that we need to communicate more effectiely, and now he says that it is too late. I really love him and I do not want to give up hope. But until he comes to realilze that he needs to take some responsibility, there is nothing I can do. It takes two to tango.

 

On another subject, facebook is the worst, hopefully it is just a fad and it will die down by the time we are ready to move on!!!

 

i'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself!

i'm sure you'll have your confidence back in no time - do let any guy bring you down like that -they aren't worth it

i have a cardinal rule if they ever lie to me even ONCE they are gone. that's it.

the smartest thing i ever heard dr. phil say was "people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing" and i FIRMLY believe that.