Can this be salvaged?

My bf and I were together for 2 1/2 years, and we just broke up 3 weeks ago today. He told me that he needed a break, and then I told him I could not do a break, so he said then let's break up. A main reason for our break up is due to my insecurities. When we met, I was this secure, outgoing, confident woman...2 1/2 years later, I am now this insecure and not confident woman, and that is why he told me that he cannot be with me anymore. Let me give you some background: after 6 months of dating, he came to me and told me that he does not love me and never will love me. Then he walked out of my apartment. Fast forward 4 months later, he emailed me tellilng me that he missed me, and I went back to him. We had a long talk and worked through this...at least I thought we did. From that point on, I was always afraid that he would come back and tell me the same words again, and I was not willing to completely let myself fall for him. I told him this and he said that we willl work through this together. I thought that he was really ready for a serious relationship, but things just did not start adding up. I found out that he had lied to me a few times about where he was, and he never introduced me to his family or friends. I know what you are all thinking...and no, he is not married/nor did he have another girlfriend. He is 8 years younger than me, and I just chalked it up to him being immature. I was 30 when we met and he was 23. Our schedules only allowed us to see each other 1 day/week in the beginning, but we were on the phone constantly, and I thought that I had a great relationship. He was finishing up grad school when we met, so I understood where he was coming from, since he is in the same profession that I am in. Fast forward another year or so, and he came to me again and broke it off with me...due to my insecurities. I knew that he was not truthful with me all of the time, for example he would tell me that he was at work when he was in the library, etc. Then he came back again the beginning of July, and here I am, 2 months later, and heartbroken. What prompted this break up is the fact that I finally confronted him on things that I had found out, and he just freaked and called me a liar. I was nothing but great to him. We are so much alike, and I really do love him with all of my heart. I tried the NC for almost 2 weeks, but then I broke down and called him because there are some personal issues I am dealing with and I needed to turn to him. He claims that he misses me and loves me and we can be the best of friends, but he says that our relationship was dysfunctional (me not trusting him 100%...basically knowing that he was not always honest with me, but I know that his lies were so insignificant). He even says that he would give his life for me, and I truly believe it. I am not making excuses for him, and I know that he is probably just "not there yet". He even spoke about marriage, and that I was the love of his life, and that I was the one who broke us up. Well, now he is concerned about my health and wants to know each and every step of my "health" issues. I do not know what to do. Should I continue to have him in my life, should I keep him aware of what is going on with me? We have spoken since and he was adamant about us never ever getting back together. He told me that people do not change and that I will n ever be the same woman he fell in love with. I told him that if he keeps believing that, it will never work. Then I said what a shame, you will never know what would happen, and if you are willing to live with a what-if, then I will never bring this up again....So here I am, heartbroken and feeling so much pain. Does this sound like the end? Should I have him in my life as a friend, or should I cut it off and never pick up his calls again?

Well, everyone knows lying is always a big no no with your signifigant other. Why would he say hes at work and go to the library? Is there a reason you would get upset that he was going to the library instead? It sounds a little fishy, because I just dont see any reason to lie there. And if my gf came to me and asked about me lying, I wouldn't get angry, I would tell her exactly what happened and ask why she would think differently. If I had done something to make her question me, I would like to know about it and fix it so she didnt feel that way. Getting angry, Im sorry to say, is usually a sign people have been caught.

I dont honestly believe that he is concerned about your health as much as he is keeping tabs on you. Im sure he might care, but I think his agenda is more keeping you around just in case he changes his mind. You do NOT want to be anyone's fall back plan, trust me. They will never fully invest in you or the relationship.

My advice: no contact from here on out. Its obvious he isnt really trying, and worse, he's manipulating you into thinking there is something wrong with you and thats why things ended. If he lied to you and you called him on it, how are you being insecure? You're just looking for answers you deserve as his gf.

Stop the bleeding, end this now. Its not fair to you to only be friends, and he obviously isnt ready to be there for you the way you deserve some one to be. He sounds immature and manipulative. You're better than that.

Take care of yourself.

I feel it was about the insecurity you mentioned.

Were you worried all the time what if he might replace you with younger woman?

Did you act with confidence when you go out with him? (nobody wants to show around insecure girl friends to others)

Do you get jealous easily? even when he hangs out with his friends?

you are calling him a liar but I don't see any big deal here.

Thank you for your response...

Well, the fact that he never took me around his friends, even though he met mine, and not being introduced to his family for 2 1/2 years is enough to fell insecure, isn't it? He would lie to me about such stupid things, and they all started to add up. FOr example, telling me he was going home when he went out with his friends. I am all for alone time. I am a 33 year old successful professional, cute, smart, sassy...and all this time he never took me around anyone he ever knew. Also, whenever he came over, he would put his cell phone on silent or turn it off completely. So, that is where my insecurities came from. I told him how I felt many times, and he alsways gave me reasons why it was not a good time, or jusut give him time to put his life in order. It was a vicious cycle, me telling him I was insecure, him not doing anything about it. But if he would only be honest with me, I was willilng to work on it. Now I feel as if I lost him forever, and know I am plagued by the what-ifs...

So, what do you think?

Thank you for your response...

 

Well, the fact that he never took me around his friends, even though he met mine, and not being introduced to his family for 2 1/2 years is enough to fell insecure, isn't it? He would lie to me about such stupid things, and they all started to add up. FOr example, telling me he was going home when he went out with his friends. I am all for alone time. I am a 33 year old successful professional, cute, smart, sassy...and all this time he never took me around anyone he ever knew. Also, whenever he came over, he would put his cell phone on silent or turn it off completely. So, that is where my insecurities came from. I told him how I felt many times, and he alsways gave me reasons why it was not a good time, or jusut give him time to put his life in order. It was a vicious cycle, me telling him I was insecure, him not doing anything about it. But if he would only be honest with me, I was willilng to work on it. Now I feel as if I lost him forever, and know I am plagued by the what-ifs...

 

So, what do you think?

The fact that you never met a single friend or family member is very odd. What was his repsonse when you asked him about this? Turning his phone off/vibrate is also pretty suspicious. Who was he affraid would call? Did he try to explain himself or did he just get angry?

I think he was lying his a** off to you and the person you think he is probably isnt who he is. Lying about where you are is a big red flag, same with the phone turning off and not meeting anyone he knows. It could be better its over, it sounds like this guy had something going on. Just my opinion.

BCCA...Thank you thank you thank you...I was beginning to think that I was in the wrong somehow. When I asked about his phone, he said that he did not want to get any late night pages b/c he is always on call for his job, and that I started sounding like his ex. You see, I think that he is just immature. He liked the attention from the girls, flirting, etc...but I know that he had no one else. And when women knows that the man has a gf, they seem to back off. He loved the attention, and not like he ever acted upon it, he nevertheless did not want anyone to know he was in a relationship. We had a relationship in a vacuum...when we were together, everything was perfect...but that is not what a relationship is about. I just want to sit with him and explain my behavior and why I acted the ways that I did...

I try to keep telling myself that I had done nothing wrong, but it is hard. After my conversations with him, he tried to make me feel secure, and on the outside, everything looked like he was really trying. But I knew better...his fb bs did not stop....meaning that I saw posts to his friends about going out and leaving me behind. There were also some occasions when he went out with his family and since he was with them the entire day, he never called me. I was a huge secret, and he did his best to try and conceal the fact that he had a girlfriend from his family. For example, the other week he had a day off and he spent it with his family, and told me he would call me later. I went about my day and evening, and when I got home from dinner, I saw that he was online, but he never called me, due to the fact that he was home and did not want his family to know that I was in his life. Such stupid bs like that would get to me. It was like he was leading a double life. The life we had "together" was great, just he and I. I was like a relationship in a vacuum. TO the outside world he was single. Even when I took him to Vegas for his 25th bday, he put up pictures on his fb account of him only. Why does a man do that stuff? He definitely did not have someone else, I would bet my life on that. When we broke up, he told me that he was unhappy and if we were married, he would not live with himself because he would wind up cheating on me. So, it seems as if I was a filler for 2 1/2 years? I mean, not once on any of his fb did it say he had a gf. What really got to me is that the year before he told me he was working overnight when the reality of the situation is that he went out with his friends, and spent the next day with me. Back thene, I did not confront him with the fb bs...I just asked him that I had a funny feeling that he was not at work, and he looked at me straight in the eyes and told me that he was. He lied about such stupid stuff. COuld he be a pathological liar...someone who needs to feel that theye are control and has the upper hand in every situation? Or is he just a kid with a messed up family life?

As for the last time we spoke, he had called me to see if I wanted him to go with me for the MRI appopintment. I told him that I appreciate it, but I will go by myself. He texted me to ask me how it went, and I did not even respond. When we spoke, I told him that I missed him, and he told me that he loves me, and he misses me too, but we will never ever be as a couple again. He said he can't and that the woman who he fell in love with is dead. When he met me I was everything he dreamed of...professional, confident, smart, funny, etc. But the one thing he loved was my confidence, and now it is gone, and in his mind, forever. He even said that he would give his life for me, and anything I ever need, he will provide for me. I do not understand this at all. When I asked him how could he say that he wanted to marry me, he said that in a million years he could not believe that it would end this way. Now there is no chance for reconciliation. When we broke up, he told me that he wanted the confident me back, and that he believes that it will never come back. He told me that he does not want to be in an unhappy marriage, and will never be able to live with himself if he cheated on me. I really do not know what he is thinking. Is it his pride, ego? Why would he jump to the conclusion that people do not change, and he knows deep down inside that he was the reason I did in the first place. If he would just confess and tell me the truth, I would have worked through it with him. So, that was my last conversation...me basically asking if there willl ever be a chance for us in the future, and him telling me never. Where do I go from here? I apologize for sucha long message, and I am probably all overe the place. Thank you for your kind words. Your advice is grealty appreciated...keep it coming, please!!!

Well, I think you should REALLY try and learn some important lessons from here. I think you should let go of the relationship for now, and reflect on yourself.

People treat you the way you allow them to. I wouldn't have allowed my gf to go longer than a few months without introducing me to her family/friends. Also, dont let the FB thing slide if it bothers you. This is an important lesson. When you have an issue, bring it to your ex, and they stonewall your feelings, you start to lose confidence in yourself. You're being ignored, and deep down inside know you're allowing this person to get away with too much. The more you bring it up and the more he shuts you down, the more he starts to really break you down emotionally. Eventually, yes, you will be less confident in yourself.

What you need to do in the future is NOT tolerate behavior that you dont appreciate. If you have a problem and the other person is unwilling to listen, you have to draw a line in the sand. Stand up for yourself, especially on things like not telling anyone he's dating you. Whats that about? No one else would tolerate that crap, dont be too nice to someone who pulls that.

There needs to be boundries and respect in every relationship. If you allow some one to walk all over you, they wont percieve a very high value in you.

Your situation is very similar to my own. My partner and I were together 3.5 years and he said he needed a break. the break was he found a new girlfriend. Six months later he came begging and we got back together. It is now another 3 years down the road and we are right back where we were. I am figuring out that my partner, like your's can not offer the emotinonal support we need. There are reasons your insecurities arouse.

For you own emotional and mental health you truly need to let him go. If it didn't work before nothing really will change. I know how hard a break up is. I was completely inlove with my partner the first time around. We had our issues but my belief was to work through them. I thought I would get that love and passion back for him, but it never did. There is that sense of not if but when will he do it again.

I started to read a good book and am going to get it from the library again called Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart by Steven Carter.