How to get the questions answered? LONG..

[403jennybunny]

Hi all,

 

New to the board. It was recommended by a friend that has been through infidelity with H and said it really helped.

 

I will break down the history. Not married been together 5 years and have a 4 yr old daughter together, but consider him my H. There was a W we knew who dated one of H friend last year and upon that break up OW looked to my H for help. I found out and put a stop to the innappriate contact, OW has friends and family for that. From all the signs and investigating I believe it did stop. Flash forward to year later and we briefly split but reconcilled but while on our seperation aparently they contacted each other (well to be honest he contacted her.) One day when he left his phone behind I recognized the number, confronted him and he passed it off as she was just a friend. I said that it was inappriate and should stop he agreed. There were a few texts back and forth through the following six weeks but nothing serious. Well to say it slapped me in the face about a week ago is an understatement. He was under alot of stress (I know not an excuss) and started acting funny so I checked his phone when he went to bed. Saw texts that well you can't read between the lines. By the morning I had left before he even got up needed to clear my head (very out of charactor to leave and not say where I was going). Upon my return we had to have phone conversation b/c he wasn't home. I brought up the texts and he said they were jokes. Yeah haha not laughing. He said he felt that I wasn't there for him through all his stress, in my mind things had been going very well since our reconcilation better than ever. He ended the conversation with don't worry he loved me and would be home in a couple of hours and we would have a big discussion but everything would be ok. 6 hours later not home no one has heard from him (he had borrowed a friends vehicle and friend was starting to get pi**ed) I had to leave as I had plans with my family. I had come to the rationalization that he in fact was with her. I proceeded to my family's looking like crap of course and had to let them in on what had happened. Family was hughly p***ed to say the least. I ended up staying the night. Woke up in the morning went home to start packing his s**t and walk into him in my bed. I thought the beeping nerve, I told him to get out of my home. At this point he was still denying saying there was nothing going on. I left and my S went to confront him. He said it just happend, he was sorry. I returned knowing now that I had it confirmed went through the whole how could you do this yelling, crying questioned how he could do this to my daughters future. He was a basketcase (I have seen him cry but not like this), couldn't believe what he had done I stormed out with him crying out he is sorry. On my departure I said under no circumstances is my daughter to ever be around the wh**e she didn't care enough about in the first place to rip apart her world why would she care after the fact. He text later that afternoon that he told her good bye.

Flash forward to today we have been in contact mainly through texts and it looks like we might try and work it out. I am not kidding myself to think that yes it might be better this time and he won't cheat. I know that it will take time and complete honesty with ever aspect of our relationship. I don't want him to return to the house until he has taken care of his issues but I want answers and have every right to want them. We are supposed to go to dinner tonight and I want to ask the right questions the how long? has she contacted him since? and most importantly WHY?? Do I just jump right in or ease up to it? And if the answer is ease up to it then how do I start the hard questions!! I am so lost right now.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry it is so long.

[Darth Vader]

Why are you still wanting to be with this man, or whatever he is?! Do you honestly think he'd put up with you banging another man? Really, if you're not married, I'd dump this loser, because if he's cheated already, imagine what he'd be doing while you're married!

 

BTW, you can still get child support from this man! The laws are still in favor of women, although they are beginning to shift towards mens rights!

[GreenX]

I'm with Darth here.. why stay with him? Sure, you have feelings for him and you share a child but really, is this the sort of environment you want to raise your child in?

 

His excuse for cheating was because you were not there for him through his time of need but the OW was. So, in the future, should there be one and if you're both married and something similiar should unfold, who's to say he won't stray yet again?

 

Plenty of woman do just fine being single while raising their child. He can still be in the child's life and can help financially support them but don't you deserve better? Someone who will love you and only you?

[Mr. Lucky]

Not married been together 5 years and have a 4 yr old daughter together, but consider him my H.

But he obviously doesn't consider you his wife .

 

Why 5 years together with a child but no marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[herenow]

I have been exactly where your are. I gave my H another chance only after I saw that he was working on his own problems and willing to do whatever it took to fix our relationship. As far as getting the answers, ask and if you don't feel like he is being 100% honest with you, he isn't ready to commit to you.

 

Just ask! You shouldn't have to worry about how to ask or when. If you have questions, be clear that you want answers or there will be no chance of any kind of reconciliation. He owes that to you!

[2sure]

You and your child are better off without him. It sounds like you are the only responsible adult here and also like you have a good support system in friends and family.

 

I have chosen to stay in my marriage agter I had discovered my husband cheating. So, if that is the route you are determined to take, although you ARE the victim - you have to take yourself out of those shoes and make him take the responsibility and consequences for his actions.

 

Him taking responsibility includes full disclosure to any degree you deem fit healthy for you. It may mean having a conversation with the OW.

It is really really hard to forgive someone of something unless you know the facts. I mean, without them, you arent even sure what his problems really are.

 

If you dont feel you have enough information yet to make decisions, you are completely correct to ask him any questions you want. You dont have to have proof of anything. This is your and your child's life. Unless there extenuating circumstances, you should really consider bailing.

[stillafool]

I say kick him out! If you don't want to do that which most women don't - make him marry you! You have 2 kids together and if he doesn't do that move on. You and your kids deserve better.

[Darth Vader]

I say kick him out! If you don't want to do that which most women don't - make him marry you! You have 2 kids together and if he doesn't do that move on. You and your kids deserve better.

 

 

Um, why marry that? She'd do alot better without him!

[stillafool]

Um, why marry that? She'd do alot better without him!

 

 

I agree totally!!! But, these women don't want to give these losers up!

[oldguy]

The guy sounds like my wife’s ex-H; married for many years he had several affairs she found out about while they where married and several more she found out he had while they where married, since there divorce. What she told me sounds almost exactly like what you wrote, especially the part about how upset and sorry he was when confronted, every time. When he did leave her it was for a much younger woman, (girl). The kicker is, he wanted to get back together with her, (this was before we met), and she actually considered it until she found out he was still with this other girl.

[Today she says she doesn’t know what she was thinking, belittling herself that way

 

I was also married for many years before my ex began to cheat on me, (that I know of). I tried to fix it more for the sake of preserving the family, (our kids are grown and on their own, thank God), but after the second confirmed affair and at least one, one night stand she was out of here. Don't misunderstad, it was very difficult and even though you’re not married you've been together for 5 years and have a child together so it won’t be easy but I agree with the others; loose him and don’t look back. I don’t know if I necessarily believe in the adage; once a cheater always a cheater. But from personal experience and observation it seems to hold water.

 

P.S. my adult children do not know the real reason for our divorce. They have a right to feel warm and fuzzy about their mom too, the b**ch

[Darth Vader]

P.S. my adult children do not know the real reason for our divorce. They have a right to feel warm and fuzzy about their mom too, the b**ch

 

So..... Why not tell them? Did she let you keep the house, or not screw you over for money? What was the price?! I just hope you didn't have to pay it!

[oldguy]

So..... Why not tell them? Did she let you keep the house, or not screw you over for money? What was the price?! I just hope you didn't have to pay it!

 

Because she’s their mother? How many people would like to hear that their mom tramped around? Listen; she became a bad wife not a bad mother

 

We split everything 50/50. Except credit card bills she ran up. She got to keep those. It would have cost more to drag it out. Actually; I did get to keep the house but I sold it to her a year or so later, (for a small profit), when I left the area. As I said; I was stupid for trying to hold the marriage together but while you’re in the middle of it, divorce seemed far worse than what I was going through. Yes, I feel stupid now for trying to hold it together as long as I did. In retrospect; the day the judge declared the divorce final I left the court room feeling defeated, alone, rejected and at the same time like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.

[oldguy]

So..... Why not tell them? Did she let you keep the house, or not screw you over for money? What was the price?! I just hope you didn't have to pay it!

 

Because she’s their mother? How many people would like to hear that their mom tramped around? Listen; she became a bad wife not a bad mother

 

We split everything 50/50. Except credit card bills she ran up. She got to keep those. It would have cost more to drag it out. Actually; I did get to keep the house but I sold it to her a year or so later, (for a small profit), when I left the area. As I said; I was stupid for trying to hold the marriage together but while you’re in the middle of it, divorce seemed far worse than what I was going through. Yes, I feel stupid now for trying to hold it together as long as I did. In retrospect; the day the judge declared the divorce final I left the court room feeling defeated, alone, rejected and at the same time like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.

[oldguy]

So..... Why not tell them? Did she let you keep the house, or not screw you over for money? What was the price?! I just hope you didn't have to pay it!

 

Because she’s their mother? How many people would like to hear that their mom tramped around? Listen; she became a bad wife not a bad mother

 

We split everything 50/50. Except credit card bills she ran up. She got to keep those. It would have cost more to drag it out. Actually; I did get to keep the house but I sold it to her a year or so later, (for a small profit), when I left the area. As I said; I was stupid for trying to hold the marriage together but while you’re in the middle of it, divorce seemed far worse than what I was going through. Yes, I feel stupid now for trying to hold it together as long as I did. In retrospect; the day the judge declared the divorce final I left the court room feeling defeated, alone, rejected and at the same time like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.

[oldguy]

Sorry about the repeated posts, i suck at this

[Shorterrun]

JennyBunny,

Ill give you the perspective from his point of view. I think most guys who do this don't have the ba**s to admit when they screwed up or even admit to the public that they have but here it goes. My girlfriend and I were together for almost 3.5 years. Our little girl was a mirical, (birth control and condoms) and I worked two jobs for over 85 hours a week in order to make sure our family was ok. Besides she gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, our daughter, it was the least I could do. There was a truth that came out that she was with her ex around the time of conception so I did not know if the child was mine, broke up with her but told her I was there, and eventaully before our daughter was born got back together. things were fine until 2 years later, we worked different schedules and did not take care of our relationship. we were always apart but doing the right thing when it came to our daughter. finally my idiocy came into play. I met a girl at work who was nothing at first but she kept showing interest even though I mentioned I was with the mother of my child (not married but thats a long story, apparently if a woman smarts off "I dont want to marry you anyway" means hurry up stupid I love you) but she kept showing interest and pushing. I was torn because I love the mother of my child so much but she would only become intimate once every 3-4 months. In the only extremely small defense I have I did tell her that something was wrong with the relationship and we needed to work on it. she kept saying she didnt know why and that she was wondering how much longer I would put up with her. Honestly it just happened, no excuse for what i did, it just happened and before you know it its a web of lies. You juggle because you dont want to lose what means so much to you but you dont want to let go of what seems to take you away from unhappiness. Its such a hard thing to go through, but you have to understand no one cheats if they are happy. he should have come to you and stated "whats wrong? what do I need to do?" he tried to place the blame on you to get the focus off of him and justify what he did. that is wrong, he screwed up and needs to man up on what he did. but I can tell you this, if he loves you as much as he says then he will fight as hard as he can. he will call the woman and put her on speakerphone and say "i can never speak to you again, i love her and made a mistake" so in turn you do have to realize it takes two for it not to work, sit back and look at what your faults were too, granted they are not nearly as severe as his, but sit back and look at what you could have done to maybe make it better. This will be hard cause no one wants to accept they were wrong. but remember whatever you may have done wrong DOES NOT justify what he did, what he did is not your fault at all, he made that choice. I would ask him, you have been with him for 4 years you should know if he is lying or not, you can tell if he means it. then you need to sit down and deal with it. Do you still love him? Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with him? Trust me, he kept it from you and lied cause he doesnt want to lose you, put that factor in it, make him realize he lost you and the family he holds dear. and if you decide to give it another chance remember, if it looks like sh*t and smells like sh*t, guess what, it is. so now you know the warning signs so you can look for them next time but hopefully there wont be a next time. From experience I can tell you that when a man realizes what he has done to himself and his family, he will change. you will see a side of him that you either have been wanting to see or a side that he should have shown for years. it is undescribable the feelings you feel when you realize the pain you caused your family and yourself. but if you dont feel he is honest, then I would not even attempt it again, because he will do it again thinking he can just be brought back in by crying and spending money or whatever. trust me, there is hope for change from the guys who cheat, they can change for good.

[Darth Vader]

So..... Why not tell them? Did she let you keep the house, or not screw you over for money? What was the price?! I just hope you didn't have to pay it!

 

Because she’s their mother? How many people would like to hear that their mom tramped around? Listen; she became a bad wife not a bad mother

 

We split everything 50/50. Except credit card bills she ran up. She got to keep those. It would have cost more to drag it out. Actually; I did get to keep the house but I sold it to her a year or so later, (for a small profit), when I left the area. As I said; I was stupid for trying to hold the marriage together but while you’re in the middle of it, divorce seemed far worse than what I was going through. Yes, I feel stupid now for trying to hold it together as long as I did. In retrospect; the day the judge declared the divorce final I left the court room feeling defeated, alone, rejected and at the same time like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.

 

 

Well, at least she didn't get it ALL! It could've been much worse! As far as telling your children, well, perhaps it could wait a few years, who knows, they may know more than you think! Children ain't dumb! They know something!

[Darth Vader]

Sorry about the repeated posts, i suck at this

 

 

Forget it. It happens.

[oldguy]

Well, at least she didn't get it ALL! It could've been much worse! As far as telling your children, well, perhaps it could wait a few years, who knows, they may know more than you think! Children ain't dumb! They know something!

 

After 26 years and couple of kids, the “things” seemed insignificant. So as far as either of us “getting it all”, I sort of view it as we both pretty much lost it all. And you’re absolutely right; the kids are not dumb, they where both old enough to be living on their own when we divorced and I’m pretty sure that at least my oldest knew, maybe more than I did, what his mom was doing. If I thought talking to them about it would in anyway be beneficial to either of them we would have talked, although I can’t even imagine how that conversation would go.

 

Marriage is sometimes difficult but divorce always sucks.

[oldguy]

I did it again:mad:

[sweet&simple]

... So, he's cheated twice. You caught him numerous times with the communication and told him to stop, he agreed to.. and continued. He wasn't unaware of the consequences of his actions. You caught him again and again and again.. why are you trying to work this out?

 

I think the real kicker for me was the fact that he told you he'd be home to have a face to face discussion with you about what had been going on.. and instead went out with the OW.

 

Really, doesn't sound like he's interested in working this marriage out. He's had numerous chances. Time to carry through with the consequences.