Getting them back/Pride/closure/no contact

[Intergalactic]

i really think that you need to just contact him like you want, in which case you'll probably get burned but will learn something, or accept that he doesn't want you back, that if he did he would contact you. he may not even want you in his life anymore - it hurts, but it may be true. in my experience, if someone really cares about you (and caring doesn't just end when a relationship ends), even if they don't want you back, they will still contact and stuff. my ex listened to me over and over when i would ask him to take me back, ask him why he ended it, constantly talk about it, and each time he would gently tell me that he didn't want a relationship. he never stopped contacting me, and i know he cares.

 

so contact this guy. don't keep making excuses as to why he hasn't contacted you. see what's going on and stop torturing yourself with wondering. if, when you call, it doesn't go the way you want it to, tell yourself you need to LET GO. because you do. it's been months now, you need to let go and try and be happy again and focus on other things in your life.

[jmmm]

the weird part is..knowing him..i know he feels i didn't do anything so wrong to him and he would want to be able to contact me from time to time and when i said i think it will be too hard to just talk you as a friend (which is how i feel) he kind of got a little angry and defensive saying thats your choice then ...knowing how he was, i don't think he would want to go forever without talking to me again

 

i guess this situation currently seems weird to me..and i hate that he called my friends b/f b/c it made things worse for me

[Intergalactic]

look, people do weird things when they break up with people. it's not black and white. my boyfriend, after telling me he didn't want a relationship with me anymore, came over, kissed me, cuddled with me, and continued to make time for me every weekend until i said i couldn't handle it anymore, the signals were too mixed. turns out he wasn't having a change of heart, he wasn't being spiteful, he just missed that familiar feeling of me. it wasn't supposed to hurt me. it did, but it wasn't on purpose.

 

perhaps your ex did contact your friend or whatever and he did want to find out how you were. it doesn't mean anything except maybe he misses you. that doesn't mean he's willing to give it a go. as i said in the previous post, you are TORTURING yourself by trying to make all these excuses as to why he hasn't contacted you. yeah, so he might have been a bit hurt that you couldn't be friends right away. only someone retarded or heartless wouldn't be able to understand why the dumpee can't be friends straight away. the fact still remains that he hasn't contacted you.

so go ahead and contact him. but i think you are building yourself up here, so that you have an expectation that maybe he's going to turn around and express how much he misses you and loves you or whatever and the probability is that that ISN'T going to happen. so call him expecting that whatever he says is going to be disappointing and not what you want to hear, and then if there is something else, it will just be a pleasant surprise.

[BCCA]

the weird part is..knowing him..i know he feels i didn't do anything so wrong to him and he would want to be able to contact me from time to time and when i said i think it will be too hard to just talk you as a friend (which is how i feel) he kind of got a little angry and defensive saying thats your choice then ...knowing how he was, i don't think he would want to go forever without talking to me again

 

i guess this situation currently seems weird to me..and i hate that he called my friends b/f b/c it made things worse for me

 

You know what, at this point, go for it. It seems like you need to know that if you dont hear from him, it wasnt because you didnt give him the chance. And who knows, maybe he is affraid to call. If you can handle the worst outcome imaginable, and prepare yourself, at least you'll be sure if you give it a try.

 

The only thing I'll point out is something you said. You told him not to contact you as a friend, and you dont want him as a friend. If you call him, you should probably re-affirm that if you talk to him a couple times. He may get the idea that you contacting him is an invitation for a friends only relationship.

 

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

[jmmm]

hey bcca

 

i was trying to send you PM but couldn't

 

my mother says he hasnt even tried to make any effort at all...not even to text message asking how am i..and if he took my friends answer as "i was alright" and translated that into i guess she moved on and i dont need to contact her, then thats a little off

 

btw--i will be going on vacation in about a week..i was debating about texting him as soon as possible b/c maybe no matter what he says i will be looking forward to going away..waiting til i get back (pretty much october) may be too much time going by to contact him......

[Ingenue]

jmmm, I think now I agree with BCCA. I think somewhere in your mind, you've convinced yourself that you need to do this. I never bothered having the closure talk with my ex because there really wasn't a point. But all of us are different and perhaps you need some physical act to initiate the mental healing to get over the relationship. If you do contact him, please be prepared that the worst possible outcome may very likely occur. As others have said in other threads, sometimes we really need to fall hard before we can pick ourselves up. Whatever you do decide, good luck and remember that your life is not defined by this man or this relationship.

[BCCA]

hey bcca

 

i was trying to send you PM but couldn't

 

my mother says he hasnt even tried to make any effort at all...not even to text message asking how am i..and if he took my friends answer as "i was alright" and translated that into i guess she moved on and i dont need to contact her, then thats a little off

 

btw--i will be going on vacation in about a week..i was debating about texting him as soon as possible b/c maybe no matter what he says i will be looking forward to going away..waiting til i get back (pretty much october) may be too much time going by to contact him......

 

Your mother is a wise woman. I think we have all been guilty of feeling like we made ourselves unapproachable to the point that if someone did want to talk to us, they would be scared. Truth is, I know I've made some difficult phone calls to people I knew probably didnt want to hear from me, but if it means enough, you swallow your ego.

 

I cant tell you what youre doing is wrong. I just did it myself, and even though the reaction was positive, the chances of it re-kindling our relationship arent very good. If she wants to give it another shot, she'll let me know I'm sure. But I dont need to hear anything else from her to see whats right in front of my face: we arent together. CAN that change? Sure, but will it? Honestly, chances are that it wont. I can count on one hand the number of people I know who survived a breakup and were together for a long time afterward. All relationships with other people are terminal. Even if youre married 50 years, one day, you might have to go it alone. I could marry my ex tomorrow and she could get hit by a train and die next year. Point is, you have to be ok with yourself and realize that the only thing in this world you can control is what you do.

 

Have fun on your vacation. Dont even bother texting him. You dont need that hanging over your head if it turns out badly. If he wants to call, he will, and you dont want to talk to him until he wants to call. But if you need this to move on, go for it. Expect the worst, but at least you'll know you tried. If this will get rid of any doubts or 'what ifs' then go for it.

 

Whatever you do, I hope you take good care of yourself.

[jmmm]

i am very confused

[jmmm]

and it makes me feel horrible knowing he probably slept with others girls or is having a great time..he has a good personality and knows how to talk if he wanted to..

[jmmm]

bcca,

 

should i text him the few days before i go..or wait til i get back?

 

will 10 more days of putting off texting him be too much time passing by to text him at that point? will i be even more out of sight out of mind by then...now he is done with his trips which gives him more time to be at bars locally..i guess part of my thinking is to text him so maybe he knows i am finalizing things..maybe it will make him think twice...i dont really know

[bubblegum]

bcca,

 

should i text him the few days before i go..or wait til i get back?

 

will 10 more days of putting off texting him be too much time passing by to text him at that point? will i be even more out of sight out of mind by then...now he is done with his trips which gives him more time to be at bars locally..i guess part of my thinking is to text him so maybe he knows i am finalizing things..maybe it will make him think twice...i dont really know

 

I am in a similar dilemma jmmm. My ex is going on a trip for a couple weeks starting next week, and I don't know if I should contact him or not. I had been going NC because he didn't seem to take the reasons for our breakup too seriously, he seemed to want to just jump back to where we were, but I wanted to talk, take time, etc.

 

Now I'm in a confused state because he texted something early last week that was not about us, not flirty or sexual (like most of the texts had been from him, which I ignored, including the one the day before his last text). Anyway I answered that text because it was neutral and positive. He abruptly ended our brief exchange with "have a nice day." Haven't heard a word since.

 

I know the pressure of his leaving is making me confused as to whether I should contact him -- has he moved on? If I don't will he forget me? Should I just forget about it?

 

Reading your concerns about making him think twice reminds me of what most say around here, continue NC, it's for you to heal and move forward, he'll do what he wants regardless while you're away... but I am so confused in my own situation and I can see your side completely!

[jmmm]

i know i will have to text him..i just don't know if i should do it now, a few days before i go..or wait a week until i get back and then do it.

 

At this point, it seems like the sooner the better b/c its probably coming more to the point with him of out of sight out of mind. Will one more week which leaves this weekend and next weekend of him probably going to bars i would imagine make a big difference?

 

or even if i didn't text him..if some part of him wasn't over me he would still think of me a little bit especially with no contact...he might think i have moved on which i havent and maybe hasn't contacted me due to that.

[BCCA]

bcca,

 

should i text him the few days before i go..or wait til i get back?

 

will 10 more days of putting off texting him be too much time passing by to text him at that point? will i be even more out of sight out of mind by then...now he is done with his trips which gives him more time to be at bars locally..i guess part of my thinking is to text him so maybe he knows i am finalizing things..maybe it will make him think twice...i dont really know

 

jmmm,

 

You're wondering too much about how HE is going to interpret what you do or what chain reaction it will cause in him. Everything you do should be done for yourself. You need to be more confident in yourself before you go through with this. You can't worry about what he thinks of your actions from now on, because if you are, then you're not doing them for yourself, you're doing them to cause a reaction in him.

 

Your ex is not going to be conviced by anything you say, and he's not going to believe whatever you say you'll do to be different. So, doing anything for that reason is pointless. You need to present a stronger, more confident YOU to the universe, and if you can stay upbeat and positive, positive things will be attracted to you.

 

And please, dont go into this trying to prove a point that you're going to move on, because I dont personally know you, and I can feel its a ploy. You want to present the image of you moving on, but thats not something you do with words. Asking for your things back isnt going to give him the impression that youre moving on, and truth be told, you're not. Only by presenting a positive person thats ok with the hand she's been dealt will you portray the image you want. You can 'fake it 'till you make it' if you have to. Truth be told, all relationships are terminal. You could marry this guy next week, and the week after, he could get hit by a bus and die (obviously, God forbid!). Then, where will that leave you? In the same spot you are now - needing to realize that your own two feet are the only things that are going to hold you up in this world. Realizing that you and you alone are the only person you can count on for support does a lot to help you get by. You need to KNOW that you dont NEED him, me, or anyone else to be happy and feel good about what you do.

 

I wouldnt worry about when you text him, or if you even do. If it feels right, go with whatever your gut tells you. And why send a downer message asking for your stuff back? You dont really care about it anyway. I would just send a 'hey there, hope all is well ' message. Doesnt require a response from him (although, it would be nice Im sure), doesnt make anyone defensive, doesnt make YOU feel down about whats happening (after all, you care about the guy and hope things are going well for him).

 

Do it only when youre ready to do it for yourself so you can feel better, regardless of what happens on his end. You cant control his end, just make things happier on your side and everything else will fall into place

 

*disclaimer - this is not to say he'll ever change his mind, and thats not why I'm giving you this advice. Its SOLELY for the purpose of feeling better about yourself, and presenting a more positive person to EVERYONE to attract positive things (not neccesarily from him)

[jmmm]

i dont know if i should contact him now and get it out of the way or wait til i get back which will be the beginning of Oct.

[BCCA]

i dont know if i should contact him now and get it out of the way or wait til i get back which will be the beginning of Oct.

 

In the grand scheme of life, a week, month, even a year isnt really that much time. Only you can answer this question. Dont do anything at any specific time for any other reason than it feels right to you. If it doesnt feel right, dont do it.

 

Its all about you!

[jmmm]

its weird how i feel like i lost my chance or something..that he called my friend's boyfriend for a reason thinking maybe i would make the next move eventually and then 2 months pass by...but a close family member said they donot understand how him calling your friends b.f justifies with him possibly thinking the next move should be me texting or calling him.

[BCCA]

its weird how i feel like i lost my chance or something..that he called my friend's boyfriend for a reason thinking maybe i would make the next move eventually and then 2 months pass by...but a close family member said they donot understand how him calling your friends b.f justifies with him possibly thinking the next move should be me texting or calling him.

 

Your close family member was right. We all do what you're doing right now, try and draw correlations between random things so we can keep our hopes up. It's all part of denial. I know its hard, but there is nothing to read into him calling your friends boyfriend. It doesnt matter what you said, or that you didnt call/text him. If he was at all interested in rekindling your relationship at any time, you would know.

 

Unless you told him never to call you again, changed your number, and got a restraining order, there is nothing stopping him from giving you a call/text/etc. He hasnt. There's really nothing more to it. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to give it to you straight. I think you should really work on accepting things for what they are. You can try and hold onto an outside hope that there is more to him calling your friends boyfriend, but there just isn't. If you have to call him for your own piece of mind, then go ahead. But at this point, youre making yourself crazy everyday. Either do it now, or dont do it ever.

[jmmm]

do you think i should do it before i leave? i may not get a response right away or may not be able to use my cell all the time and won't receive texts, who knows

 

i wonder if i will feel relieved if i send it or not right before i go...

 

 

today is exactly 3 months he sent that text message saying i'm not up for speaking right now; but we will

[Treasa]

I think you should send the text before you go. Get it over and done with, and then enjoy your vacation without thinking about him too much.

[jmmm]

hey guys,

 

well i did contact him about a week ago and i do feel a little better but i also feel confused/angry etc

 

 

I knew in the back of my mind--i needed to say the truth about how i still feel.

 

 

i wrote things are ok but i still love you and know the things that got in the way could have been easily fixed and avoided...he wrote back saying he waited a long time for things to change with me and with him. He said It got to the point that he was wasting my time

 

 

I wrote him back basically saying--i know we had talks here and there about it but i think if we had sat down face to face and had a discussion of what had to be changed immediately to save the relationship things would have been different. I also wrote i know certain actions i did drove you to your breaking and i recognize my mistakes etc etc etc and i wrote i still love you....he didn't respond...2 days later i wanted to just have him say to me --this is goodbye---so i wrote basically i did mean everything i wrote and did you not respond because you are sure you want to say goodbye?

 

 

 

he wrote back saying i don't want to start over, have everything good for a few months and then everything starts changing and go through this all over again. And then he mentioned he is transfering to a job title that will require him to work alot of overtime everyday and he won't have time. He also wrote he doesnt know the last time he went out (maybe he feels a little guilty and wants me to know he isn't partying?) He also wrote we haven't spoke a word in months and this is not a switch that is just turned on and off.

 

 

i wrote saying don't you think time apart has made me view things alot differently? And he said he doesnt know if it has or hasnt but he just wants to work right now and he basically said he can't right now. I'm sorry.

 

 

 

I then wrote my goodbye message saying "ok. I do truly love you and know it would have been different this time around and i hoped you would have seen it as worth it and believed me. I guess you have let me go and moved on and I guess you are telling me i need to do the same. I also said i have to change my mind about getting my things back. I told him its too difficult and to throw it away or give it away.

 

 

I expected him not reply or to just reply back saying i'm sorry..i would then know ok he has let me go, he has moved on etc.

 

He writes back an hour later saying "I know you are worth it and its not a matter of being over you or moving on. I'm just not ready to start doing this all over again. Not to mention this is very unexpected. We dont say 2 words to each other for months and then we're supposed to just forget everything and start over. He then mentioned my things being at his place and how he isn't going to throw them away or give them away and that he didn't even give me any of it and there is no reason for me to leave it.

 

apart of me actully felt like he may have been a little bothered that i didn't contact him sooner..that maybe because he contacted my friends boyfriend and all he got from them was him saying i was alright..maybe he was expecting more when he asked, maybe he thought i told them to say that as well...its just sort of what ran through my head when he mentioned twice about not speaking for months..but i could be wrong i guess

 

 

 

i wrote goodbye to him saying i guess you let go, you moved and i need to do the same and he writes back that is not the case in so many words....he didn't need to reply if i was saying goodbye and he was just totally done---that could have been it..he could have left it at that....and i feel like he is confusing me by saying its not a matter of being over me, he just isn't ready to start over and this is unexpected to him after months of not speaking

 

 

i wrote him back saying i understand what you are saying about not speaking for months and you are right but i didnt know how else to go about this and time kept passing. It took a lot for me to write the words i wrote but i meant every word and i hoped we would be able to discuss things, learn from mistakes made and start over because we loved each other...i know i have grown in different ways since this happened. I do think you know in your heart you have meant everything to me and still do. You wrote its not a matter of you moving on and i havent moved on--i wish there was a way for u to believe me that things can be different and more grown up. I really can't accept my things back. Its too hard..

 

 

 

I'm not contacting him again because i have no reason to, i told him the honest truth about recognizing what went wrong and that after this time passing i still love him.......a bigger part believes he isn't over me and maybe he was being sincere...i am hoping some part of him will be thinking about this and all that i wrote.........

 

 

I know a few months have gone by but i told him the whole truth before walking away and i am hoping he is being sincere saying he just isn't ready and that he isn't over me.. i am hoping a little maybe he just needs a little time to consider this and we can start over...i felt he was contradicting himself b/c i just said it flat out--i guess you have let go, you have moved on and you are telling me to do the same...he must have known i was looking for a direct answer and he knew i wouldn't have said something like that 4 months ago..

 

he could have simply said i'm sorry after that and i would have known ok, thats the case..or better yet---not reply at all.....but its almost like that sort of bothered him alittle with me just saying ok, i guess its time to move on......and he writes that isn't the case, and this is unexpected after months of not speaking but then he mentions my things and how he isn't going to throw it and its mine and there is no reason to leave it

 

my mother and close friend say its weird how you asked him very direct questions and he knew you probably looking for direct answers because you asked specifically are you sure you just want to say goodbye? then you said ok i guess you let met go etc etc...and they also were even mad a little by his responses and then even questions why does he even need to tell you he doesnt remember the last time he went out..they thought it was weird lol

 

apart of me wanted to text him something very very direct to get an answer but its probably not good a idea at all to push him into a corner. They also said if there is some small part of him looking back at what happened this past week----its better to leave him alone now because now he knows the whole truth and pushing him into a corner will just negate all the honest, heartfelt things i wrote to him...they think he doesn't want to completely say goodbye which is why he answered the way he did....

[GoGators2008]

hey guys,

 

well i did contact him about a week ago and i do feel a little better but i also feel confused/angry etc (what a surprise?)

 

i wrote things are ok but i still love you and know (creepy) the things that got in the way could have been easily fixed and avoided...he wrote back saying he waited a long time for things to change with me and with him. He said It got to the point that he was wasting my time (Doesn't get any clearer)

 

I wrote him back basically saying--i know we had talks here and there about it but i think (desperation) if we had sat down face to face and had a discussion of what had to be changed immediately to save the relationship (he does not want to save it) things would have been different. I also wrote i know certain actions i did drove you to your breaking and i recognize my mistakes etc etc etc and i wrote i still love you....he didn't respond (wow)...2 days later i wanted to just have him say to me --this is goodbye (No you want him to tell you he wants to work it out, stop lying to yourself)---so i wrote basically i did mean everything i wrote and did you not respond because you are sure you want to say goodbye? (ur trying to make him feel sorry for you in hopes of convincing him, again being counterproductive)

 

he wrote back saying i don't want to start over, have everything good for a few months and then everything starts changing and go through this all over again. And then he mentioned he is transfering to a job title that will require him to work alot of overtime everyday and he won't have time. (he doesn't care about you, move on) He also wrote he doesnt know the last time he went out (maybe he feels a little guilty and wants me to know he isn't partying?) (um psycho?) He also wrote we haven't spoke a word in months and this is not a switch that is just turned on and off.

 

 

i wrote saying don't you think time apart has made me view things alot differently? (ur literally begging him to change his mind, it doesn't work like that) And he said he doesnt know if it has or hasnt but he just wants to work right now and he basically said he can't right now. (what a surprise) I'm sorry.

 

 

 

I then wrote my goodbye message saying "ok. I do truly love you (u should see a therapist) and know it would have been different this time around and i hoped you would have seen it as worth it and believed me. I guess you have let me go and moved on and I guess you are telling me i need to do the same. I also said i have to change my mind about getting my things back. I told him its too difficult and to throw it away or give it away.

 

 

I expected him not reply or to just reply back saying i'm sorry..i would then know ok he has let me go, he has moved on etc. (no u wouldn't, stop lying to yourself)

 

He writes back an hour later saying "I know you are worth it and its not a matter of being over you or moving on. I'm just not ready to start doing this all over again. Not to mention this is very unexpected. We dont say 2 words to each other for months and then we're supposed to just forget everything and start over. He then mentioned my things being at his place and how he isn't going to throw them away or give them away and that he didn't even give me any of it and there is no reason for me to leave it.

 

apart of me actully felt like he may have been a little bothered that i didn't contact him sooner..that maybe because he contacted my friends boyfriend and all he got from them was him saying i was alright..maybe he was expecting more when he asked, maybe he thought i told them to say that as well...its just sort of what ran through my head when he mentioned twice about not speaking for months..but i could be wrong i guess (maybe not)

 

 

i wrote goodbye to him saying i guess you let go, you moved and i need to do the same and he writes back that is not the case in so many words....he didn't need to reply if i was saying goodbye and he was just totally done---that could have been it..he could have left it at that....and i feel like he is confusing me by saying its not a matter of being over me, (he's not confusing you, ur just dragging it on by making him feel sorry for you and he has to respond in that matter so he doesn't seem like an a-hole, he is totally done) he just isn't ready to start over and this is unexpected to him after months of not speaking

 

 

i wrote him back saying i understand what you are saying about not speaking for months and you are right but i didnt know how else to go about this and time kept passing. It took a lot for me to write the words i wrote but i meant every word and i hoped we would be able to discuss things, learn from mistakes made and start over because we loved each other...i know i have grown in different ways since this happened. I do think you know in your heart you have meant everything to me and still do. (you can't let somebody be worth everything in ur life, when that person leaves you have nothing, live ur life for yourself) You wrote its not a matter of you moving on and i havent moved on--i wish there was a way for u to believe me that things can be different and more grown up. I really can't accept my things back. (and this whole time you were saying what's wrong with contacting him to get my things back...what a surprise) Its too hard..

 

 

 

I'm not contacting him again because i have no reason to, i told him the honest truth about recognizing what went wrong and that after this time passing i still love him.......a bigger part believes he isn't over me and maybe he was being sincere...i am hoping some part of him will be thinking about this and all that i wrote......... (you can't force other people to think about certain things, if everytime you speak to him u make him feel bad or get him stressed or upset, then everytime he talks to you there will be a negative correlation with that which means he will avoid you)

 

 

I know a few months have gone by but i told him the whole truth before walking away and i am hoping he is being sincere saying he just isn't ready and that he isn't over me.. (you seriously need to go see a therapist) i am hoping a little maybe he just needs a little time to consider this and we can start over...i felt he was contradicting himself (no he didn't, u kept making him feel bad by saying that he's this heartless person and he doesn't care about u blah blah, that he had to respond in the manner he did, deep down inside he's been done with you) b/c i just said it flat out--i guess you have let go, you have moved on and you are telling me to do the same...he must have known i was looking for a direct answer and he knew i wouldn't have said something like that 4 months ago..

 

he could have simply said i'm sorry after that and i would have known ok, thats the case..or better yet---not reply at all (no because then u would say something like "Oh he didn't respond, I guess he still loves me" or something like that, u control everything in ur head, it has very little to do with what he's actually saying cuz u only wanna hear what u want).....but its almost like that sort of bothered him alittle with me just saying ok, i guess its time to move on......and he writes that isn't the case, and this is unexpected after months of not speaking but then he mentions my things and how he isn't going to throw it and its mine and there is no reason to leave it

 

my mother and close friend say its weird how you asked him very direct questions and he knew you probably looking for direct answers because you asked specifically are you sure you just want to say goodbye? then you said ok i guess you let met go etc etc...and they also were even mad a little by his responses and then even questions why does he even need to tell you he doesnt remember the last time he went out..they thought it was weird lol

 

apart of me wanted to text him something very very direct to get an answer but its probably not good a idea at all to push him into a corner. (too late) They also said if there is some small part of him looking back at what happened this past week----its better to leave him alone now because now he knows the whole truth and pushing him into a corner will just negate all the honest, heartfelt things i wrote to him...they think he doesn't want to completely say goodbye which is why he answered the way he did....

 

Seriously, I know I sound harsh, but you need a serious reality check. First off, I think you need therapy. Second, from everything you said, the guy has made it CLEAR, BLATANTLY CLEAR, that he doesn't wanna be with you. The thing is you interpret that in your head as something you wanna hear, not what was actually said, like "oh he doesn't have time but he still loves me, he still cares for me, he still wants to be with me when time is right" NO. Stop lying to yourself.

 

And you're not trying to contact him to get closure, ur trying to contact him to see if there's still a chance that you can somehow convince him to make this work when he has clearly said no to you. You can only get closure from within.

 

You have to learn to love yourself, what you're doing right now is being pathetic and whether you like to admit it or not, it's tearing apart your self-esteem. You have to find happiness within, then and only then can you actually be happy with somebody else and not let that person be the only thing in your life. Think about when you were happy and single, reminisce on those days and get your life back. Go join a club, go work out, find a hobby, take a class, volunteer for something meaningful, etc.

 

Stop letting other people control how you feel and think, because you will never truly be happy until you master and control your own feelings. Happiness is from within, and when u let others control that, then you will be miserable your whole life. And lastly, seek some professional counseling because you really need it. Good luck.

[jmmm]

i appreciate your advice but he ended things very sharply...sometimes a person can't just walk away without talking to the person, getting some information from the person and thats what i wanted to do...i don't think telling him how i felt was wrong because now i can walk away completely knowing i tried...and sorry but i was looking for some direct answer from him...if he said i think it is time for us to move, i have let go..then thats it...and thats what i was looking for when i did ask those direct questions and after being with someone for over 3 years---i don't see it as wrong to let the person know how i still feel about them, how i recognized what went wrong...if they then don't appreciate it, then i can walk away peacfully. I was looking for direct responses and everyone around me agrees he just couldn't really give me answers directly

[jmmm]

gogator...some of your advice i thank you for but i really don't agree with how you think it was wrong or pathetic to let someone i was with for over 3 years know that i still love him...i think you have a lot of bitterness in you.

 

atleast i can walk away knowing i tried and letting him know that i did genuinly care about him and love him and recognize mistakes made..and i didnt mean it literally that he meant everything to me---its an expression that this person was and is very important. I already belong to a gym, have close friends, have family etc...sometimes taking a risk like this and putting yourself out there is worth it because if that is how you feel in your heart and you acted on it, there should be no regrets about it.

[GoGators2008]

i appreciate your advice but he ended things very sharply...sometimes a person can't just walk away without talking to the person, getting some information from the person and thats what i wanted to do...i don't think telling him how i felt was wrong because now i can walk away completely knowing i tried...and sorry but i was looking for some direct answer from him...if he said i think it is time for us to move, i have let go..then thats it...and thats what i was looking for when i did ask those direct questions and after being with someone for over 3 years---i don't see it as wrong to let the person know how i still feel about them, how i recognized what went wrong...if they then don't appreciate it, then i can walk away peacfully. I was looking for direct responses and everyone around me agrees he just couldn't really give me answers directly

 

Here's the thing. Don't take this as being offensive or mean, but you gotta stop lying to yourself, that is the only way to true recovery. You weren't looking for direct answers from him and you know that, you were looking for ways to convince him to be with you, plain and simple. He said he doesn't wanna be with you, how much clearer does he have to be? When you beg and plead and try to make the dumper feel horrible by saying things like "so you don't care about me anymore," that person will try to be sympathetic and say things that you would interpret as there still being a chance, when in reality there isn't.

 

You're not expressing your feelings to get true closure, you're expressing your feelings to get him back somehow. When you said you recognized what went wrong, you didn't mean just that, you meant "I recognized what went wrong, now I'm changed, take me back." You gotta face reality here. Even if he gave you a direct answer, you would sit there and plead with him like "think about all the years" or something like that, and he probably knows that. Truth is, you already have all the answers, you're just not willing to accept them.

 

gogator...some of your advice i thank you for but i really don't agree with how you think it was wrong or pathetic to let someone i was with for over 3 years know that i still love him...i think you have a lot of bitterness in you.

atleast i can walk away knowing i tried and letting him know that i did genuinly care about him and love him and recognize mistakes made..and i didnt mean it literally that he meant everything to me---its an expression that this person was and is very important. I already belong to a gym, have close friends, have family etc...sometimes taking a risk like this and putting yourself out there is worth it because if that is how you feel in your heart and you acted on it, there should be no regrets about it.

A lot of people have give you good advice here but you're set on your own ways, which is making your life miserable. You don't let somebody know that you love them, when they dumped you, because it's probably one sided. Think about it...has he ever said I love you once after you guys broke up? And taking a risk and putting yourself out there is doing what for you but making you feel more hopeless and empty and angry?

 

What you have to do is learn to be happy being single. Don't let this guy, who dumped you, control your happiness. You wanna get back with him because you forgot what it was like to be without him, to be happy without him. Do you really wanna go through like having other people control how you feel and think? You have to accept the fact that it's over, and stop thinking that it's over but later you guys will get back together, because if you think like that, then ur life is held back, ur life is in a way controlled by this guy while he's pursuing everything for his life, ur sitting there feeling hopeless and sad about something that is in the past. Do you really wanna live like that?

 

Cut him out of your life completely for at least a month. No contact whatsoever, see how that works out for you. Most importantly don't lie to yourself, recognize that he has moved on and you should do the same and stop asking for answers because you know that you already have them, you just have to accept them.

[jmmm]

sorry to tell you gator---but you are wrong...yes i do want him back but I was in fact looking for direct answers when i approached him..looking to see if this was a closed book...which is why i specifically asked are you sure you just want to say goodbye and then when he wrote different things rather than just directly answering i wrote saying i guess you have let me go and moved on and you are telling me to do the same to which he gave me another indirect confusing type of answer....to me that was a direct question on my part and i was looking to see if he would say yes i have...would it have made me feel sad? yes of course---but the whole bandaid would be ripped off and healing would take less time..

 

i have left him alone for a long time so you don't need to tell me to go no contact..if he had returned my things very soon after the break up and didnt call one of my friends who isn't even his friend to ask how i was i probably wouldn't have contacted him like i did..things ended very sharply making me feel miserable and i needed to approach him to tell him that in fact yes i do still love him and i do recognize my mistakes...if he doesn't appreciate me reaching out to him and someone who genuinly loves him saying im sorry in so many words---then i tried and can walk away in peace

 

 

if he said yes i did move on, its time and im sorry...i would have wrote him a message saying that i still care about you but atleast i have a straight answer and i wish you all the best

 

and its a twofold situation..me contacting him to see if he is completely done or not gives me more closure than i had a few months ago...i do still feel conflicted about things i wrote but now i have no reason to contact him again and its all on him.