Getting them back/Pride/closure/no contact

[jmmm]

well this wouldnt be contacting him explaining how i am or asking him how he is..its my way of maybe seeing if its over for good..i can get my things and thats it..i dont need to contact him again or count how long its been..obviously its just over

[BCCA]

its my way of maybe seeing if its over for good..

 

I feel obligated to do this as a student of cognitive psychology...

 

Has he done anything recently that would give you the impression that its NOT over for good? Has he done anything recently that would make you feel like he hasn't made up his mind? I'm sure the answer is no.

 

Just so you know, I'm not perfect and I JUST put up a post about writing my ex a letter to clear the air. And people told me the same thing - dont do it. After thinking about it RATIONALLY I agreed, what a waste of time. If some one doesnt want to be with me, their loss. I'm sure there is nothing you can say or do to make him feel otherwise.

 

If you wait for closure from him, it might never come and you'll be beating yourself up everyday. If you want to know where it stands, just take a look: you are no longer together and he doesnt seem interested in talking to you any longer about it. I'm not trying to be rude, but those are the facts, and sometimes people need to see them.

 

Close the door on this from YOUR side before you go on any longer. As some one who has traveled the dark road to missery, trust me youll thank yourself later.

 

Be well

[jmmm]

is there something really wrong though with asking about your possessions and saying so and so can pick it up?..do you believe there are absolutely no cases out there where the dumper makes contact after some period of no contact to speak or do whatever to get closure and close them out of their life and the other person doesnt think i didn't think this person would even speak to me again, am i sure i want to do this for good and once and for all say goodbye?

[BCCA]

is there something really wrong though with asking about your possessions and saying so and so can pick it up?..do you believe there are absolutely no cases out there where the dumper makes contact after some period of no contact to speak or do whatever to get closure and close them out of their life and the other person doesnt think i didn't think this person would even speak to me again, am i sure i want to do this for good and once and for all say goodbye?

 

Take every dollar you have, go to vegas, find the roullette wheel and put EVERYTHING on number 8. You have about the same chance as hitting number 8 as you do that he'll decide he doesnt want to do this after you asked for your stuff back.

 

To answer your question, I'm sure its happened before and it will happen again, but if you want the more LIKELY result, we've already given it to you.

 

Look, if you really feel in your heart that this is something you need to do, do it! If you'll regret it later or feel like you missed an opportunity if you dont go ahead and contact him about your stuff, then just go ahead. But I think you know deep down what youre contacting him for and what the likely result is going to be. What you're hoping for is a miracle, to be in the less than 1% of people that actually get good results from this.

 

If you need to do it, for yourself, then go ahead. You dont need anyone to tell you its a good idea, if its something you have to do - DO IT! And I promise not to say 'told you so' if it goes bad. We'll be here for you if you need.

[me007]

Take every dollar you have, go to vegas, find the roullette wheel and put EVERYTHING on number 8. You have about the same chance as hitting number 8 as you do that he'll decide he doesnt want to do this after you asked for your stuff back.

 

To answer your question, I'm sure its happened before and it will happen again, but if you want the more LIKELY result, we've already given it to you.

 

Look, if you really feel in your heart that this is something you need to do, do it! If you'll regret it later or feel like you missed an opportunity if you dont go ahead and contact him about your stuff, then just go ahead. But I think you know deep down what youre contacting him for and what the likely result is going to be. What you're hoping for is a miracle, to be in the less than 1% of people that actually get good results from this.

 

If you need to do it, for yourself, then go ahead. You dont need anyone to tell you its a good idea, if its something you have to do - DO IT! And I promise not to say 'told you so' if it goes bad. We'll be here for you if you need.

 

 

what he said. If you think it'll really make you feel better, do it. What everyone is saying is just don't have any hope that it'll go the way you want so you won't get hurt all over again.

[jmmm]

yeah i guess its a chance i could take and if its a negative response then i can truly just move on and hopefully stop posting about the subject

 

im still hesitant to do it..feel nervous b/c i know this is the last thing i can do

 

some are saying he didn't really have compassion in this break up though...he knew this was my first serious everything with him..i cried on the phone, i texted, i called just asking to speak to him, asking to get closure...and instead he texts me saying he wasn't up for it right now, but we will...and now over 2 months have gone by, he calls my friends b/f right before he was leaving almost throwing me a crumb to hold onto and then i still don't hear from him

 

some family and friends saying whatever jealousy/controlling issues you had and what you feel bad about now---he made up for it by how he handled this situation.....

[Treasa]

I don't think he handled the situation poorly. I think the poor guy did whatever he could just to get away from you.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but all of your posts have indicated that you're controlling and manipulative. Yes, you're willing to change, but only to the end of getting him back. You'll do whatever it takes to get him back, but if you do, then what?

 

I haven't once seen you post anything about wanting to change for yourself. I haven't seen a single post about what you're going to do to better yourself. If you were so serious about changing, THAT is what you'd be focused on right now, not how it will affect this dude.

 

You were constantly clingy, needy, insecure, and jealous. Any contact made by you now will only make you look bad. He won't respect you. He will NOT suddenly think, "Wow, this girl has changed! I think I want her back." Instead what he'll think is "SSDD."

 

Assume the relationship is completely over. From another post of yours, it seems as though the only possessions of yours that he still has are things that you don't desperately need or want back. You're just looking for an excuse to contact him.

 

I don't think this guy wants you back. If he did, you'd certainly know it. And I mean conclusively know it, not just draw *possible* conclusions based on what your friends think.

 

Please get some counseling, talk about YOURSELF and why you have these insecurity and control issues, and start posting to us regarding YOU.

 

Good luck, and please stick around.

[Ingenue]

My recommendation is for you to keep NC and write those belongings off. I know that it's a hard thing to do and that you're in pain because you're still holding onto the hope that your ex will come around and regret the decision he's made. However, if you choose to break NC to get your belongings you have to be completely sure that the negative response will indeed be that symbolic switch that triggers your acceptance of the break up. Don't go there with the expectation that your actions will open a channel of communication in which your ex will discuss the relationship.

 

I really feel for you and breakups are a hard thing to accept, especially if it's your first love. When my ex of 5 years, also my first love, broke up with me over email, I didn't really get a sense of closure. But then I realised something that has given me peace and calm. I knew it was important to accept what had transpired. For whatever reason, the relationship wasn't working for my ex. That didn't nullify any of the wonderful memories and times we shared together. Nor did it mean that I was a mistake in his life. He didn't hate me and he still loved me, but his feelings for me changed. I have no control over that and the only thing I can do is accept his decision because I know that it was in his best interest. If I put myself in his shoes, I would have done the same thing (perhaps not the same way). I wouldn't have wanted a partner that, for whatever reason, I was unsure about. And I would never want my ex to live a life of regret nor would I want to be his regret.

 

When I really accepted it, internalised it and processed it, I made the decision to move on and that was my closure. Closure didn't come from getting my belongings from him (he still has things of mine). It wasn't calling him to inquire about him or obsessing over whether he called a friend or hasn't called me. It was accepting the situation for what it is. You can only live in the present. You cannot rewrite the past and you cannot force the future.

 

jmmm, please ask yourself what is the true purpose of recovering your belongings. After every break up, people need to heal. Please take some time for yourself to heal and accept the situation. Trust me, after you get through it, you'll be stronger. Good luck

[BCCA]

jmmm,

 

I am curious about what you decided to do, and how you're doing. Please dont take any of the suggestions and comments here as a slight against you, everyone here is actually doing their best to look out for you. We all need a little advice from time to time, and its great to have a bunch of people to bounce ideas off of.

 

I hope no matter what you did, you got your own closure and are ready for the next chapter in life.

 

Take care.

[Trialbyfire]

jmmm, go for it. Break NC. Most have realized why they went NC in the first place when they've broken it. It's like a reality check of why it didn't work in the first place. Just be prepared to return to step 1 or worse. People usually recover much faster after that.

[jmmm]

i haven't done it yet.

 

Still thinking about what exactly i should write and if i should send the text...

 

Apart of me thinks maybe i should lay the truth out there rather than just say so and so can pick up my things

 

i was thinking of writing something along the lines of "i know the things that brought us apart were very trivial and could have been easily fixed to make things different and alot better but i understand u want this over for good. I had so and so things there. So and so can pick it up

 

sounds horrible huh?

 

 

thanks for everyone's support by the way and wondering how i was.

[BCCA]

I think you're doing too well to break NC now. You've already made it this far, and although you are still having a hard time letting go, you don't want to be back at square one all over again. Wether you like it or not, his reaction to this letter is going to REALLY get to you. I would just call a mutual friend or some one who can call him and just go get your stuff without a word from you. Nothing you write will speak as loudly as silence. And youll have your stuff. Trust me, if/when he wants to get back with you, he'll come let you know. And by then, youll probably have some one much better and you can tell him to get lost!

 

No need for the note, youve made it this far. You're doing too good to let him break your stride. Let your stuff go or get a friend to grab it.

[jmmm]

i think me leaving him alone for this long shows i already am strong and can be independent and if i choose to text him a message to get some final response, to get something said after 3 years..i dont think that means i have become weak or its necessarily a set back

 

i haven't made up my mind yet i guess of when to send him the message

[Ingenue]

jmmm, I just wanted to see how you're doing and am wondering if you're okay. You haven't posted in awhile and I know you're contemplating a difficult decision for yourself.

[BCCA]

i think me leaving him alone for this long shows i already am strong and can be independent and if i choose to text him a message to get some final response, to get something said after 3 years..i dont think that means i have become weak or its necessarily a set back

 

i haven't made up my mind yet i guess of when to send him the message

 

 

You need to do whatever you feel like you need to do. If that means sending him a message, do it. Dont worry about what your actions show to him, the only person you have to be ok with is yourself. What he thinks about you from now on is meaningless. You need to do whats best for YOU.

[jmmm]

thanks for checking in on me =)

 

i dont know how to describe how i am feeling. I miss him..i dont want to date anyone else, i miss being with him...i wish things could be different

 

i haven't texted him yet but i think i will regret it if i don't so i know i have to within the next few days.

[jmmm]

is it the worse thing to do though or it really doesnt matter at this point?

 

i know he loved me and maybe apart still does but it probably would give him some slight satisfaction i contacted him right?

 

but at this point, does it really matter? it was 3 years with someone and is it so horrible for that person to know yeah, i do still think of u from time to time and how this was hangled but i do understand the situation and i want my things back

[jmmm]

i get nervous thinking about texting him...

[BCCA]

i get nervous thinking about texting him...

 

I wouldnt do it unless you are convinced that its something you have to do. Part of your nervousness is the fact that you probably have an idea that its not going to go how you want it to. I'm in a similar situation, and as much as I would like to contact my ex, I know its not going to help. More likely, it will just make matters worse.

 

Here is what I am doing, and what I recomend to you. I set this Friday as the limit, and if I dont hear from my ex by then, I'm going to assume I never will and act accordingly. As it stands right now, Im focused on moving on, but do have a lingering curiousity about whats going to happen next.

[jmmm]

its been almost 3 months...he is probably close to completely over me

[Ingenue]

jmmm, forget about texting him about your belongings. As you've said, you can write them off.

 

Use this time to work on yourself and to heal yourself, grieve the relationship. I know it's a hard thing to do, but you can get through this

[jmmm]

there is some gut feeling i have that when he called my friends b/f asking how i was and was given an answer of i'm alright...which is pretty neutral..maybe he thought they would have said something else and maybe he knew this call would get back to me and i would eventually contact him..and maybe he is a little too afraid to do it b/c some time has passed and he is a little bit of a coward to deal with this

[Ingenue]

jmmm, trust me. If an ex wants to get in contact with you, either because he realises what a putz he is, or wants you back, he will climb through heaven and hell to get to you.

 

I want to contact my ex too, just to re-establish a friendship. But I know that I'm not emotionally ready to do so. And I know my ex well enough to know that if he wanted me back, he'd be beating down my door with a fork if he had to.

 

You need to get over this hump and just focus on yourself. Don't think about the "what ifs" because they don't exist. Live in the here and now

[jmmm]

i just feel it was more my fault and maybe i should take that chance..i also think he is too cowardly to call or text..maybe i am making an excuse but i think that is part of his reason.

[jmmm]

i also joined a dating site recently and think well maybe someone he knows saw me on it or he himself possibly(although i dont think he would ever pay for something like that) and then he thinks i am over him or something and doesnt contact me for that reason.