BCCA Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 apart of me just kind of feels when he wrote this is unexpected, we haven't spoke in months and its not a switch that can be turned on and off..apart of me kind of thinks in time he may actually come back...i know work is an excuse and he should have just been more direct about it WHY? What reason has he given you to believe that he will come back in time? It's just wishful thinking, no offense. And I'm sure your friends try and be open with you, but again, I'm just not seeing what he's done to make you think he isn't over this. Is it because he didn't respond to your 'I guess this is over for good' email with a simple 'yes'? I've told you why he did that, he doesn't want to look like a big douche and feel guilty about it. He is being direct by being indirect, if that makes any sense. He's telling you what you need to know, he's just not being a cold hearted jerk about it. And if he did, you would be on here saying what an evil guy he was for talking to you like that. What's weird about the way he ended things? Is it because he didn't come right out and say 'we are done forever, never talk to me again'? You're honestly making this whole situation a lot harder on yourself than it has to be. It's ok and perfectly natural to be sad. I'm still sad about losing my ex, it sucks. But the difference is that this is consuming you. You're killing yourself over this by worrying about every little thing, and constantly searching for a silver lining to whatever he says. "He didnt say he was done for good, so he's leaving the door open" NO! I'm sorry, his actions tell you everything you need to know, you just need to take the blinders off and be honest with yourself. Let it hurt now, dont prolong the agony. Im glad youre going out, but you need to do so with the intention of getting over him and meeting new people. Don't just go out of your house, but talk/think about him all night, don't talk to other guys, etc. You're just suffering in a different place then. Find someone to go out with tomorrow night, have your friends set you up, go dancing (and dance with other guys) and stop living your life as though you are just waiting for him to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 MY ex ended it horrible with me too. I still miss her alot. its been 5-6 weeks NC. It is hard not to call. But I don't want to make an A** of myself. stay strong, the 5-6 weeks will soon become months BELIEVE me ! Link to post Share on other sites
Sysyphus28 Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I hope it gets easier. I have been dating and it has been pretty good. BUT I miss my ex badly. I can't believe she hasn't left my mind yet. The holidays will be hard. I will not contact her again!! It would be like saying, "what you did was ok". When it was NOT ok. However, We go to the same concerts. I am afraid to see her face again! It will be a hard jolt to just physically see her! I almost forgot what it feels to be around her. I HAVE wanted to break NC every day this week. I won't lie. Getting re-rejected feels like the worst possible thing right now. I have positivity in my life...........and I would be asking for an emotional beat-down. WHY won't this go away? Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I hope it gets easier. I have been dating and it has been pretty good. BUT I miss my ex badly. I can't believe she hasn't left my mind yet. The holidays will be hard. I will not contact her again!! It would be like saying, "what you did was ok". When it was NOT ok. However, We go to the same concerts. I am afraid to see her face again! It will be a hard jolt to just physically see her! I almost forgot what it feels to be around her. I HAVE wanted to break NC every day this week. I won't lie. Getting re-rejected feels like the worst possible thing right now. I have positivity in my life...........and I would be asking for an emotional beat-down. WHY won't this go away? The important thing to keep drilling into our heads is that the only type of contact from an ex that isn't harmful is "We/I think we made a mistake, can we try again? (and even this isn't necessary good in all cases). Any other type of contact, regardless of how neutral, just undoes any progress made in healing. All it does is remind us that we aren't with them, and they are living a separate life without us. The addiction to hearing from them is a hard one to break, but it's the only way to really move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Hersheys Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 apart of me just kind of feels when he wrote this is unexpected, we haven't spoke in months and its not a switch that can be turned on and off..apart of me kind of thinks in time he may actually come back...i know work is an excuse and he should have just been more direct about it WHY? What reason has he given you to believe that he will come back in time? It's just wishful thinking, no offense. And I'm sure your friends try and be open with you, but again, I'm just not seeing what he's done to make you think he isn't over this. Is it because he didn't respond to your 'I guess this is over for good' email with a simple 'yes'? I've told you why he did that, he doesn't want to look like a big douche and feel guilty about it. He is being direct by being indirect, if that makes any sense. He's telling you what you need to know, he's just not being a cold hearted jerk about it. And if he did, you would be on here saying what an evil guy he was for talking to you like that. What's weird about the way he ended things? Is it because he didn't come right out and say 'we are done forever, never talk to me again'? You're honestly making this whole situation a lot harder on yourself than it has to be. It's ok and perfectly natural to be sad. I'm still sad about losing my ex, it sucks. But the difference is that this is consuming you. You're killing yourself over this by worrying about every little thing, and constantly searching for a silver lining to whatever he says. "He didnt say he was done for good, so he's leaving the door open" NO! I'm sorry, his actions tell you everything you need to know, you just need to take the blinders off and be honest with yourself. Let it hurt now, dont prolong the agony. Im glad youre going out, but you need to do so with the intention of getting over him and meeting new people. Don't just go out of your house, but talk/think about him all night, don't talk to other guys, etc. You're just suffering in a different place then. Find someone to go out with tomorrow night, have your friends set you up, go dancing (and dance with other guys) and stop living your life as though you are just waiting for him to come back. Great advice, BCCA. I totally agree. Jmmm, you've been given some really good advice here (particularly BCCA's). I hope you take all the advice to heart. Everytime you feel sad, just read your posts here then read the responses given to you. The responses given to you here are not meant to make you feel bad but to help you wake up and begin the process of letting go any hopes of getting back together with your ex. Try real hard to forget even for a little while of your hopes with the ex then take a moment and see the relationship for what it really is. Would you still want to analyze "the phone call he had with my friends bf asking about how I'm doing" 3 or 4 months from now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted October 26, 2008 Author Share Posted October 26, 2008 i'm not like i was 2 months ago, or 3 even but i feel sad without him..thinking about him going on with his life...its like we were never together or something, weird feeling Link to post Share on other sites
BackonTrack2 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 I am not sure what to tell you but the best way to get over someone is to find someone else. As to the NO CONTACT/Getting them back, WHATEVER. They left, their stupid. In time your feelings will go away, but if you sit around moping all day, its only going to take longer. Go outside, excerise, etc etc. I had a whoring girlfriend, she was a PRO. Didn't want to be with me (I had no idea) so she started cheating, blamed me for everything, then sent the most hurtful email known to man, haven't heard from her since. But in or last closing conversation(s)/seeing each other, I cold tell that a SHE WAS ACTIVELY ridding herself of me, excerising, jogging, going out, dating, the whole nine yards. Its like she's been through it before or something. From her vantage point, it was only "feelings" NOTHING more, I guess what I am trying to say is getting over someone is a mental/physical act, like brushing your teeth. If you start to do the things you need to do to move on, you won't care anymore if they come back. All you need is time and excerise and going out with new people, holding good conversation etc... over time, each little thing that you found so good about your ex would be replaced with someone else's memory or atleast knock out that notion in your head that "their the only one" who can do xyz Link to post Share on other sites
Sysyphus28 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 On the way to work today...........bright and early...I started getting really nostalgic. It has been 6 weeks NC, and i imagined showing up at me ex's school(10 min downt he road) and talking to her face to face, or calling or emailing, etc. Why do I need to be have the closure re-iterated......or get re-dumped? Or get some kind of window into her NEW love life? I wish I could just get over her and stop thinking she still cares. She does not still care! SHe is not emotionally thier for me. She is not my partner or lover anymore. She left me for someone else. I have gotten alot through my head and NC has been semi-successfull, BUT........... I still think about her and I am still here on LS. I want to break NC, but I read all the posts of the people who did, and they regret it so F-ing much. ANy support? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 On the way to work today...........bright and early...I started getting really nostalgic. It has been 6 weeks NC, and i imagined showing up at me ex's school(10 min downt he road) and talking to her face to face, or calling or emailing, etc. Why do I need to be have the closure re-iterated......or get re-dumped? Or get some kind of window into her NEW love life? I wish I could just get over her and stop thinking she still cares. She does not still care! SHe is not emotionally thier for me. She is not my partner or lover anymore. She left me for someone else. I have gotten alot through my head and NC has been semi-successfull, BUT........... I still think about her and I am still here on LS. I want to break NC, but I read all the posts of the people who did, and they regret it so F-ing much. ANy support? Breaking NC reminds you, harshy and abruptly, why you started it in the first place. Trust me, you DONT want to show up and see her anywhere. What would you do if showed up and shes making out with this guy, or acts like a total bitch because hes there, etc. Its just bad news waiting to happen to you. You need to break your cycle of thinking. She is not part of your life anymore. Do anything and everything to keep your mind on other things for as long as possible. Eventually, youll think of her less and less. Its a long, hard road, but a worthwhile one in the end. If you find yourself getting all teary because you hear a song that reminds you of her, remind yourself that youre a MAN, and arent going to let some sappy song break your stride. Dont allow yourself to wallow in missery, it is a choice. Initially, its going to be extremely hard to break the pattern, but you have to - there is no other choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Sysyphus28 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 You have to remind yourself who you sometimes and man-up. Your right. Whenever I get really nostalgic I should just tough it out. I guess thats a curse. I really miss her and I get sappy as hell in my own head. Its pretty sad stuff. I almost broke NC today. I pulled over to the side of the road with my phone on my hand. I wanted to call her really bad. BUT.............then I reminded myself why I wasn't calling in the first place. She lied/ she cheated/ and she dumped me. All i that order...........oh yeah, and made me feel like it was all my fault....... thanks you rotten Bi***! Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Don't think I'm telling you to man up because I'm Mr. Toughguy and I never feel emotional. I've been there - I wouldnt even go to the same resturants, stores, etc that I went with my ex for a long time, because the only time I'd gone there was with her. I couldnt watch certain shows or listen to certain songs, because they would remind me of her. Then, I finally realized that I couldnt live my life avoiding reminders of her, I needed to deal with them like a man, toughen up, and just get over it. Do yourself a favor, dont make that call. I've been in your shoes, and have NEVER had it work out positively. All youre doing is basically saying "hi, i miss you more than you miss me, and Im here waiting if you ever need" you dont want that message getting passed along. She treated you like crap. The only reason you even want her back is because when she wasnt treating you like garbage, you were comfortable not looking for someone else. Read "No more Mr. Niceguy" by Glover. Listening to you, I sense some of the 'niceguy' tendencies that will leave you in this prediciment over and over if you dont stop them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 definitely hard with him being the first thing in a lot of different ways i miss certain things about him, certain ways we spoke to one another, our little routines...but i guess i should remember the bad as well..and the things he did/said that made me insecure and speaking to a few people and a good guy friend about it, they said it would make most feel not as special and i should have been treated a little better... Link to post Share on other sites
GoGators2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 definitely hard with him being the first thing in a lot of different ways i miss certain things about him, certain ways we spoke to one another, our little routines...but i guess i should remember the bad as well..and the things he did/said that made me insecure and speaking to a few people and a good guy friend about it, they said it would make most feel not as special and i should have been treated a little better... Your problem is that you don't think you can do better than this guy. You need to work on your self-esteem and confidence. Then and only then can you get over this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 I know that breaking NC is the path to hurt, even when you are trying to stay friends and you've gone down this road before with them. I recently broke NC to talk to my Ex with the classic, "My feelings haven't changed" and the ever-popular "I miss you" and "I'm not ready to be friends" to which I got the response that at least recognizing my problem of not accepting and letting go was the first step to recovery. She was right and, of course, showed no inkling of reconciling. The fact is that whatever your Ex said she felt last to you is more than likely how they still feel about you. You don't have to contact them to just be told what you already know. I feel like an idiot and I will have to fight my embarassment for emailing her next time I see her professionally, so learn from my lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 I got the response that at least recognizing my problem of not accepting and letting go was the first step to recovery OUCH! Man, that was cold-hearted. Even if there is a wrinkle of truth in there, that was a real kick in the balls. Don't feel like an idiot at all. You did what people normally do, even though it normally doesnt work, its not unusual. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 i have been on a few dates with different people another one last night..compared most things to my ex and how much i miss him and liked him better..... Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 i have been on a few dates with different people another one last night..compared most things to my ex and how much i miss him and liked him better..... Well, try not to go on dates expecting a carbon copy of your ex. You're not going to find it. Everyone is different, and everyone has +/-'s. Its ok to use your ex as a point of refference, but dont evaluate everyone based on how closely they are to him. Link to post Share on other sites
gdap Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 8 days NC. I got an e-mail from her yesterday, but I haven't read it. I have a lot of work to do, and I need to concentrate on other things. But the pain's coming back... Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I think that last conversation you had with him was quite dramatic on your part (understandable, we've all been there upset, wanting answers!), and he probably tried to give ambiguous answers to avoid being a complete jerk, but also to avoid risking a lot more drama in your response, which would justve made things a lot more awkward. He mightve asked his friend how you were as he was interested in knowing you were ok, but again, didnt want the hassle of you reading the wrong things into it, so didnt feel he could ask you himself. He sounds like he's 100% happy with his decision the day he made it....I really hope you move on from this guy soon, I know its hard, but there's another lovey guy waiting out there for you somewhere! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 i don't think he had any business calling my friend up..and i think he knows me as well...he must have thought i would read into that a little..and i think he should have just been more direct when i contacted him months later...after months passing if he felt like its time to just say goodbye, then say it..its not like the situation just happened. And through a text message none the less...how hard could it possibly be..we weren't even speaking on the phone like normal people to think he is happy right now and being carefree just makes me feel horrible...i definitely know he is more ok about this than i am and he isn't on some site posting about the situation trying to figure things out..his routine has not changed i feel kind of lost without him and i really feel no matter who i go out with and when, i will just want someone like him...its not good and i know that but that is how i feel. Link to post Share on other sites
lovingguy Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 You will always feel lost with out him because you are still hoping to get back with him and you cant even if you want someone back you have to move on focusing on your self what you did in those 2 months of NC i don't know, but i can tell you this anything you did to better your self was for him and not you. You have to first accept that its over before you can start again with or without him. Sorry but i am not sure who wrote this but it did wonders for me "You cannot rewrite the past and you cannot force the future" i understand what you are feeling! believe me i know i was dumped October 23,2008 we were together for 5 years we lived together for 3 months and were happy as could be but that day it ended there was nothing i could say or do about it. I was like you hoping and hoping this could change but i finally understand she wasn't happy(right or wrong) she want and that's OK this is our first love we had all are first experience together and 5 years is hard together since we were 17 we been through allot. I want her back more than anything but i would of never been happy with her if she wasn't happy. now i am 22 and feel like i cant connect with anyone and i cant but the reason isn't her it me i made her my life she didn't make me but i did if we got back together tomorrow it would never be the same. i feel like you feel now my world is gone and all i can think about is her. The reason you feel no matter who you go out with and when, i will just want someone like him is OK you loved this person you were attracted to this person they have qualities you love and want to be part of your life. i am trying my best to tell you what i am think in my situation. but that really cheesy saying "if you love something let it go" is true you will never find happiness in your self or others (even him) if you dont move on. pm me if you want i am here and if anyone can help me pm i would appreciate it ! "Stay strong and make your on life and make some one part of it not all of it" Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 i don't think he had any business calling my friend up..and i think he knows me as well...he must have thought i would read into that a little..and i think he should have just been more direct when i contacted him months later...after months passing if he felt like its time to just say goodbye, then say it..its not like the situation just happened. And through a text message none the less...how hard could it possibly be..we weren't even speaking on the phone like normal people to think he is happy right now and being carefree just makes me feel horrible...i definitely know he is more ok about this than i am and he isn't on some site posting about the situation trying to figure things out..his routine has not changed i feel kind of lost without him and i really feel no matter who i go out with and when, i will just want someone like him...its not good and i know that but that is how i feel. I highly doubt he thought out contacting your friend that much. Youre making it seem like he concocted this elaborate plan to make you think about why he was calling, when he MAY have actually just wanted to see if you were ok without talking to you directly. Its really not that odd of a thing to do. I've asked people who shared a class with my ex if she was ok, because I wanted to make sure she was alright but didnt want to talk to her. If he called you and asked, you would think he was possibly interested, wanted to get back together (moreso than you already did when he called your friend), and he probably doesnt want to play with your emotions. He doesnt want to be mean, so youre never going to get direct answers. And besides, talk is cheap...look at his actions. Do you see him doing anything that would lead someone to beleive that he isnt completely done? Hes not calling you, he doesnt want to hang out or talk, and he wont say anything except for generic, non-commital gibberish people say when they broke up with someone and dont want to be a jerk. Focus on getting over him before you look to seriously date again. You should just be going out and having fun with no expectations right now, not looking for a replacement for your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 i don't think he had any business calling my friend up..and i think he knows me as well...he must have thought i would read into that a little..and i think he should have just been more direct when i contacted him months later...after months passing if he felt like its time to just say goodbye, then say it..its not like the situation just happened. And through a text message none the less...how hard could it possibly be..we weren't even speaking on the phone like normal people to think he is happy right now and being carefree just makes me feel horrible...i definitely know he is more ok about this than i am and he isn't on some site posting about the situation trying to figure things out..his routine has not changed i feel kind of lost without him and i really feel no matter who i go out with and when, i will just want someone like him...its not good and i know that but that is how i feel. jmmm. How many more months are you going to let yourself suffer like this? This was the same thoughts and feelings you had months ago. I know everyone takes time in healing but we really have to get you looking forward more. Don't live in the past, live for your future jmmm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 i need to say sometimes going out makes me feel worse..when i see guys that are acting immature or in such a manner that completely turns me off..they don't even have to be talking to me directly, just from observations---it just makes me feel regret and feel horrible about not being him and makes me full of sadness...i just got home tonight and that is how i feel...... :*( Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 i need to say sometimes going out makes me feel worse..when i see guys that are acting immature or in such a manner that completely turns me off..they don't even have to be talking to me directly, just from observations---it just makes me feel regret and feel horrible about not being him and makes me full of sadness...i just got home tonight and that is how i feel...... :*( jmmm, I dont mean to be harsh, but you and this guy are over, done, fin. Stop going out looking for reasons why everyone else is immature. The only reason you're turned off by everyone else is because youre making yourself crazy thinking about this ex too much, STILL. You're not going to find an exact replica of your ex, stop doing this to yourself. There is no way you should be able to look at everyone and be turned off or think theyre immature when you didnt even talk to them. Youre just making excuses for yourself to be hung up on your ex. I dont know him, but I'm pretty sure he is not perfect and there were things you didnt like about him, too. Youre going to suffer as long as you allow yourself to. You need to just get it through your head that the ONLY choice you have is to pick yourself up off the ground and move on with your life. This guy is not coming back, and despite what you might want to tell yourself, he has made that quite clear. If you want to waste more months of your life worrying about someone who didnt want you or being sad because you're not together anymore, you're only wasting your time. Why dont you go out with the attitude that even if you dont meet anyone to date, you can still find people to chat with or enjoy just hanging out with your friends? Being single isnt so bad. Look, I was with a girl for 5 years, she lived with me, and we were supposed to get married. She called me at work and dumped me one day. Did that hurt? Of course, but instead of mull over what happened for months and months, I just accepted that I had to get on with my life. Everyone who I have dated since has turned out to be a bad match, ignored me, never called back...etc. Yeah, its not a lot of fun, but I dont have any other choice but to keep getting on with my life alone until I find someone. Youre the only one making yourself misserable. Link to post Share on other sites
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