jmmm Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 i have read alot of threads on no contact and the rules to follow if you want try to make them come back..i'm a little confused on what is the best thing to do..i haven't contacted my ex after he said he wasn't up for talking but we will(that was over 2 months ago..he broke up with me)..and he really has no clue how i am doing except for when he called my friends boyfriend and asked one person wrote--try to show them you are fine with the break up and even make them jealous a little..show you are happy, going on with your life or even flirting with other guys etc etc how can someone see you are fine without them, healthy, upbeat if you are in no contact with the person and are not in the same neighborhood either and what if the person who was the dumper has alot of pride and if they wanted to consider getting back together and working things out but see HOW HAPPY and carefree the person is without the other person---couldn't that even be a turn off?..and if the person who broke up has a lot of pride, couldnt that prevent the dumper from even trying to get them back? and then both people miss out because one is trying to pretend they are pefectly fine, doing no contact or making them jealous and other doesnt say anything because of their pride and seeing the person NOT making contact or being carefree would anyone who has been dumped choose to contact the ex for some reason..maybe after 2 months or more..to kind of feel them out? did you ever think maybe they had too much pride to contact you after they made the decision to split? maybe they are fearing rejection? are these valid thoughts? or am i just reaching? this is why some part of me wants to contact my ex and make sure its over for good.....
CaliGuy Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 The problem is you are faking it. You are faking being happy for the sole purpose of making him jealous. You are using NC as a means to try and manipulate him back. All that is going to come of this is you will be "secretly" miserable and not really healing at all. Who cares if he knows you are doing well or not? He's no longer part of your life so you owe him nothing. If I were you, I would put the real focus on me and NOT whether what I am doing will win him back. And honestly, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? There's no greater lonely place in this life than sitting next to someone you love completely yet they don't feel the same way about you. You need to focus on yourself. Get busy with hobbies, hang out with friends, work out A LOT and put the emphasis on making yourself happy. Spoil yourself a tad. Honestly, when you are truly over him, somehow he'll know it and start poking around. By then you won't even want him anymore and hopefully have found someone new.
Author jmmm Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 i realize all those things...sooner or later a person will find someone else..years later i doubt i would still be hung up on the same person but i'm questioning different people's opinions on doing these things like no contact and being carefree and maybe the other person is doing them back and doing the same...and maybe the dumper is second guessing things but thinks ok i dumped this person and it seems like they are just going on with their life anyway so maybe its best if i do the same or leave them alone..maybe they didnt love me as much as i thought because they seem just fine now even though they wanted me to initially stay and its only been a month or two is it a very negative move to break no contact after 2 or three months if you still love this person and want to feel them out to see how they respond..maybe just be the first to contact no matter who dumped who..maybe even saying i understand u want this over for good..and maybe see what they have to say?..see if they respond to it in a positive light..and if they don't...then maybe the person can walk away and move on knowing they tried with all their heart? is it pathetic to do such a thing? maybe people miss out on getting back together because of too much pride/ego/pretending to be ok when we arent?
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 jmmm, it's over for good. At least from your point of view it has to be. Caliguy is right, you are faking it and your ex will see right through that. You need to STOP, for your own sanity, looking for a silver lining to everything. This gentleman has decided to go on without you, leave it at that. If he ever decided he made a mistake, pride/ego will go right out the window and he'll come let you know. Contactiing him will give him the following information: she misses me more than I miss her, and she is still hung up on this relationships. NOTHING ELSE. You dont need to make sure he knows that you still want to talk to him. If he wanted to talk to you, your phone would ring - plain and simple. Don't worry about what anything you do or say will seem like to him you cant control him and his actions. Only yours. My heart goes out to you. Please stop killing yourself over this guy, because you're only hurting yourself. There is nothing more you can do but let it be. As long as this is effecting you this much (and I promise he can tell) you'll never get anywhere but misserable. Once you have finally and honestly moved on, you probably wont care if he calls or not. You need to stop reaching for validation for your actions from him. YOU need to decide its over, close the door, and work on YOU. Im sorry, but this just has 'dissapointment' written all over it. Do you really think contacting him is going to do anything but leave you feeling like crap all over again? Because, I have contacted my ex after months, and it was aweful. There is nothing there but pain, dont do that to yourself.
me007 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 It's true you don't want to be faking it. If you break NC you don't want it to be just ripping an old wound open if the outcome isn't a happy ending. If you break NC you want to be happy with or without him and should feel you could care less is he comes back or not. If you are truly moving on, in the guides that say to use NC as a way to get them back say after a month or 2 to call them for lunch or coffee..something short for about an hour. You want it to look like you have a life and are busy. If when the doors of communication are open, you have to keep it low and try not to put any pressure on them, just remain happy and friendly and still have your own life. You don't want to be acting, because your ex probably knows you well enough to know when you are not yourself. I don't recommend trying to get them jealous. If you are really dating or seeing what else is out there, don't bring it up to him or try to be in places he might see you with someone else. If he asks, just say you've been hanging out with friends or if you really went out on dates you can say you've been on a couple but nothing serious.
CaliGuy Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 i realize all those things...sooner or later a person will find someone else..years later i doubt i would still be hung up on the same person Then stop wondering what HE is thinking or doing, none of that matters anymore. but i'm questioning different people's opinions on doing these things like no contact and being carefree and maybe the other person is doing them back and doing the same...and maybe the dumper is second guessing things but thinks ok i dumped this person and it seems like they are just going on with their life anyway so maybe its best if i do the same or leave them alone..maybe they didnt love me as much as i thought because they seem just fine now even though they wanted me to initially stay and its only been a month or two If he really loved you like you thought he did, he'd still be with you. Hurts, but it's truth. is it a very negative move to break no contact after 2 or three months if you still love this person and want to feel them out to see how they respond..maybe just be the first to contact no matter who dumped who..maybe even saying i understand u want this over for good..and maybe see what they have to say?..see if they respond to it in a positive light..and if they don't...then maybe the person can walk away and move on knowing they tried with all their heart? is it pathetic to do such a thing? maybe people miss out on getting back together because of too much pride/ego/pretending to be ok when we arent? I will tell you what I know and that is if someone REALLY wants to be with you, neither hell nor high water will stop them from finding you (Just ask Foxh1234). If he's having doubts, pride won't stop him. You can bet on that. I think women move on much easier than men do, simply because men don't talk about their feelings with other men very often so their decisions about relationships are less thought out than women's. When women leave, it's usually a done deal and they've moved on mentally well before they pull the trigger to end things. You don't need to worry about whether he is having second thoughts or if pride is keeping him away. He will TELL you. If you contact him, you will simply let him know that you are not over him and that in and of itself is far less attractive than if you had really started moving on with your life. Confident, happy, easy-going people are attractive. So even if HE doesn't want you back, the next guy will be happy to have you. But if you keep yourself in this state of "wondering" when/if your ex wants to come back, you will never heal. And other guys will pick up on this and you'll be miserable and single a lot longer than you need to be. Cheers.
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 It's true you don't want to be faking it. If you break NC you don't want it to be just ripping an old wound open if the outcome isn't a happy ending. If you break NC you want to be happy with or without him and should feel you could care less is he comes back or not. If you are truly moving on, in the guides that say to use NC as a way to get them back say after a month or 2 to call them for lunch or coffee..something short for about an hour. You want it to look like you have a life and are busy. If when the doors of communication are open, you have to keep it low and try not to put any pressure on them, just remain happy and friendly and still have your own life. You don't want to be acting, because your ex probably knows you well enough to know when you are not yourself. I don't recommend trying to get them jealous. If you are really dating or seeing what else is out there, don't bring it up to him or try to be in places he might see you with someone else. If he asks, just say you've been hanging out with friends or if you really went out on dates you can say you've been on a couple but nothing serious. Well, I think you are leaving out the biggest piece of the "how to get them back" strategy, which is to completely accept and be ok with going on without them. jmmm, you are not there...not even close. You are still hurting from this pretty bad, and I can feel the desperation as I read your posts. There is no "scheme" or "plan" you can use so that you will win him back. Its best to assume its not going to happen, get yourself ok with that, and see what the future holds for you. What you are doing now is looking for excuses and reading WAY too much into everything. I would strongly advise staying away from this guy and going NC as long as youre feeling this way. I think you need to date other people and get back to enjoying your life. This is consuming you.
Author jmmm Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 hey caliguy, i still feel as if i am limbo..and i still have things there...and feel as if i need to contact him for myself to get my things back and in that small action i will know its over for good..and then i will probably be done posting about this relationship i feel after 2 months i am going to ask for my things back...yes, it can be seen as an excuse to contact him but if i want my things back i feel it should come from me and then i can have a friend pick it up...the actions of him gathering the few things i had there will tell me for sure its over for good and its definitely an opportunity for him to say something(which im guessing won't be what i want to hear) i have been reluctant to do this b/c i know this is the last of it..but apart of me knows i will keep wondering and thinking about this if i dont...it will give me closure i guess
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 jmmm, I'll leave with a story: My ex had the key to my car. A few weeks after the breakup, I emailed her to say hi and maybe she wants to grab lunch. She declined my offer, said 'not right now', and acknowledged having my key. I figured I could look at it positively and think maybe there was a reason she still had it. A few days later, I get the key in an envelope. No note, no call to make sure I had it, nothing. That was 3 weeks ago, and I havent heard a word from her at all since the breakup (aside from the response to my email). I finally realized that closure came from me, not her. There is nothing about getting your stuff together thats going to trigger any emotions. Be careful why you do things, its almost as important as what you do. I know what youre after, and its him, not closure. Youre in limbo because you wont let go, not because he has your stuff. Just let the stuff go completely and move on with your life. I understand that youll do what you feel you need to, and I'll be here if you need to talk afterward, but please, PLEASE dont expect good things from this contact. 99.9% chance youll be dissapointed if you do.
gd26 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Caliguy and BCCA have amazing wonderful advice here.... I completely support what they've written. You just need to realize that you are worth more than this. It's about developing self-love and realizing that you DESERVE to be in a happy loving healthy relationship where someone treats you like you are special. Right now you are just settling for crumbs. Why is it okay for you to settle for so little? There are wonderful men out there who would be glad to treat you like a queen.... yet you settle for someone who neglects you. I've been in your situation several times... so I know many of the emotions that you might be experiencing. And I can say from personal experience that the reason I suffered so much in the past was that I didn't value myself enough at that point of time to realize that I deserved so much better. How about having your friend contact him to request your stuff back, as well as get it for you? That way you don't have to contact him at all. Contacting him with only serve to either have him reject you one more time (ouch!) or will have him continue to string you along while not respecting you as a person. Neither seems good to me.
CaliGuy Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 hey caliguy, i still feel as if i am limbo..and i still have things there...and feel as if i need to contact him for myself to get my things back and in that small action i will know its over for good..and then i will probably be done posting about this relationship i feel after 2 months i am going to ask for my things back...yes, it can be seen as an excuse to contact him but if i want my things back i feel it should come from me and then i can have a friend pick it up...the actions of him gathering the few things i had there will tell me for sure its over for good and its definitely an opportunity for him to say something(which im guessing won't be what i want to hear) i have been reluctant to do this b/c i know this is the last of it..but apart of me knows i will keep wondering and thinking about this if i dont...it will give me closure i guess Just have a friend go get your things. Makes it nice and simple.
nopainnogain Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 The problem is you are faking it. You are faking being happy for the sole purpose of making him jealous. You are using NC as a means to try and manipulate him back. All that is going to come of this is you will be "secretly" miserable and not really healing at all. . yeah. N/C to get someone back is a covert contract which is not good.
BCCA Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Just have a friend go get your things. Makes it nice and simple. That's great advice, even though it sucks to think about it. It really sucks worse than anything that you cant even be around this person you care a lot about because its only going to make you feel like crap, but take care of yourself for now. You've already spent too much time worrying about what he thinks/wants/needs and he didnt return the favor. The one person you counted on to be your 'rock' in life let you down the most, and hasn't looked back. Welcome to my world, it's not fun. But the only thing you can do is say F that person and get on with life. There are great people everywhere, but you could miss them if you dont get yourself out there. Do you really even want to be bothered with that stuff or is it an excuse to contact him looking for closure? I can feel its the latter, but hear me out. If you want to set yourself on the right path, let the stuff go right this instant and dont ever make any attempt to contact him again. You've already let him hurt you without even talking to you for long enough. Dont look back, dont pass go & collect $200, just move forward. We're almost all in the same boat, and if I can do it, you most certainly can. I'm rooting for you, take back your happiness now!
CaliGuy Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 yeah. N/C to get someone back is a covert contract which is not good. NMMNG rule #1
ahhhchooo Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 yeah. N/C to get someone back is a covert contract which is not good. When I first signed up here and read NC I started doing it because I wanted that person back. It took a few weeks to see why I really had to NC for myself.
seminoles84 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 My Ex has my 37 inch LCD ($800). And I let that go.. What do you even have over there? CD's.. maybe a few movies or toothbrush? Just take it as a loss.. it's only material items.
Author jmmm Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 its just my way of getting closure i guess..knowing its over for good, getting anything that was mine out of there and maybe even showing i am taking control of myself and moving on after that there would be no reason to contact him again..i probably will hurt from it but i guess then atleast i have nothing to think about in terms of what i should do
seminoles84 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 its just my way of getting closure i guess..knowing its over for good, getting anything that was mine out of there and maybe even showing i am taking control of myself and moving on after that there would be no reason to contact him again..i probably will hurt from it but i guess then atleast i have nothing to think about in terms of what i should do You should just do it then. Because obviously nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind. If you think this is a way to get "closure." Do it. We are all just looking out for you because we don't want you to get even more hurt (Which the odds are you will).. because we all have had it happen to us and would not want it to occur to anyone.. even complete strangers online.
BCCA Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 You should just do it then. Because obviously nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind. If you think this is a way to get "closure." Do it. We are all just looking out for you because we don't want you to get even more hurt (Which the odds are you will).. because we all have had it happen to us and would not want it to occur to anyone.. even complete strangers online. He's telling the truth. I dont know how old you are, but I'm almost 30 and I've been through this song and dance more times than I care to think about. I KNOW exactly where you are when I see what you write here. I thought the same way. I even called everyone I could think of, looking for anyone who agreed with my plan. I would have listened to a crack head if he told me to go to a couple ex's house's. In the end, I did what you are wanting to do. I always kept myself in limbo, thinking each day was a new hope. The problem is, each day only got more hopeless. When the reasons for contact were finally up, I realized that nothing I was trying to read into or hold onto was more than wishful thinking that blew up in my face. Each and every time. I almost feel like you need to hit rock bottom before you can climb back up, and if you go and text him about his stuff, you'll no doubt feel like you're there. It's not a pretty place. Please do what you need to for whatever closure or stuff you feel like you need. If you're hell-bent on contacting him about your stuff, no one here is going to stop you. But I dont think you're going to find support for that idea if that's what you want. Let us how you're doing. No matter what you do, you can come here for support.
me007 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 My Ex has my 37 inch LCD ($800). And I let that go.. What do you even have over there? CD's.. maybe a few movies or toothbrush? Just take it as a loss.. it's only material items. haha...did you get that from Dane Cook "no I can't leave that easily! I have my CDs in his trunk!"
seminoles84 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 haha...did you get that from Dane Cook "no I can't leave that easily! I have my CDs in his trunk!" Haha yeah!
BackonTrack Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I am not sure what to say or not to say but contacting the person when you have an another motive in mind is not a good sign. I think you should just let it go, if the person wanted to be with you, they would be with you, its just that simple. My ex cheated on me for months, why she did it, I have no idea but in the end after I found out I tried to end things but I couldn't do it, I kept going back until finally she must of got fed up and told me do not contact her. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, at one point in our lifes, we have all been in the same situtation you are currently in and what I can offer as solid advise is just to go NC, over time, your feelings will go away. Ofcourse everyone was telling me the same thing but I did not listen, about 1 month into NC, she contacted the family and this just trigged me and brought me back to day in, I refused to go back to that place in time so I did something really irrational like drive by the girl house and call her 3-4 times, then send an email stating I was sorry which ofcourse was a huge mistake. Because of my past experience, I would just advise that you keep with the NC, work on yourself, live your life and just accept that you are no longer together. Sooner or later, your ex will wonder what your up too and try to reach out or not, but eitherway NC is just a way to heal yourself, it could have the adverse affects of allow the ex to realize what he lost but don't bank on it. Just live your life and worry about yourself. Thats just my two cents, eitherway everyone else has already offered great advise, in the end, its your decision to do what you want to do.
ahhhchooo Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I almost feel like you need to hit rock bottom before you can climb back up It's only once you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything.
changchewsoon Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Well, my ex had me put in 20k worth of modifications to her car while we were together back then. Now that we're not longer together, I don't even bother. All I could think of is good riddance!
HeartOnSleeve Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Don't break NC....trust me. I feel like the minute I tried to move on...was the minute my ex contacted me and continued to do so. I have never reached out to him, and he calls me, texts me, stops by my work and I just get back to him or see him if I want to. He even said that he thought I was happier without him and that it made him sad. Unfortunelty it is hard when you can't express how you are doing to someone when you want them to see you doing well or not. Hang in there.
Recommended Posts