I only get a stinkin' kiss on the cheek?

[rod_in_gtown]

Rod, would you sleep with a woman, on the same bed, 3 nights in a row and do nothing with her, just because you want to take your time and not rush things with her?

 

Plus if I was being patient, I couldn't just "do one night" out of the three, once you do once, it's just too easy to say "well, we did it yesterday so what difference does it make if I don't do it tonight?"

 

Maybe (and this is a long shot) he wanted the weekend to be about connecting, about building the foundation for a bigger type of commitment... then again maybe he has cooties.

[audrey_1]

I could... and if I truly believe that she is the one, then I would. I love sex as much as the next person but I have no problem controlling myself, I find it that the anticipation can be just as enticing as the act itself, plus when we do get to do it, it would be so good... every single round

 

Oh, the agonizing anticipation. Except, in my case, I'm not even sure if there's anything to anticipate anymore. We definitely don't have any trouble in this department; we've already established this; last time we were together, he almost didn't make it out in time. He seemed very surprised he nearly lost control. (Condom discussion can be another thread.) It all seemed so natural.

 

Plus if I was being patient, I couldn't just "do one night" out of the three, once you do once, it's just too easy to say "well, we did it yesterday so what difference does it make if I don't do it tonight?"

 

Maybe (and this is a long shot) he wanted the weekend to be about connecting, about building the foundation for a bigger type of commitment... then again maybe he has cooties.

 

Why is the connecting/foundation building a longshot? Especially since you just admitted you could patiently not sleep with someone in that situation.

 

I could either be "the one" or the best platonic female friend former lover he ever had? Yeesh. Lots of room there.

[Lucky_One]

Maybe he has learned he has herpes.

 

Honestly, it sounds as though he likes you a lot as a friend. I have NEVER seen a guy move backwards from sex to no sex IF they like the girl as a GF.

 

You don't call. You rarely text. Sounds like a friendship with someone he likes spending time with.

 

But that's all.

[Lucky_One]

"I could either be "the one" or the best platonic female friend former lover he ever had?"

 

Well? Which one is he treating you like?

[audrey_1]

"I could either be "the one" or the best platonic female friend former lover he ever had?"

 

Well? Which one is he treating you like?

 

I'm not sure!

 

It's like we're dating. He buys my dinner, opens doors for me. He made some very flattering comments to me throughout the weekend that I didn't expect. I've offered to stay with my parents when I've come to town and just meet him out and about, but he finds a way to ask me to stay, or we wrap up our activities late. He even cooked dinner for me one night. I was trying to leave earlier last night, but a movie came on we've talked about I hadn't seen; he suggested I stay to watch it; then after that, there was a sports game on tv; he was like, oh, look what's on! Like I should stay.

 

Last time we did this dance, I ended up rising at 5:30 a.m. to drive to a work meeting. That night, he'd bought me a bottle of wine to get me to stay.

[Lucky_One]

Really? That's dating to you? I have a lot of male friends who open doors for me and who cook dinner or pay for my dinner. We don't, though, sleep in the same bed - but we could, I guess, although that would make me uncomfy.

 

To me, dating is making an effort to spend quality time together often. We call each other daily, we text randomly, and we spend romantic time together. If we go a week without seeing each other, we do impractical things like drive halfway to see each other - bc we miss each other's physical presence.

 

Just hanging out doing the things you are doing doesn't say "dating" to me at all.

 

You know just occured to me?

 

He's gay. He had/has a crush on you. But he really doesn't want to have sex with you. There are a lot of hidden gays who try the GF thing - in order to tell friends and family that "hey - I'm not gay! Julie spend the whole weekend with me!" You could be his "cloak".

[audrey_1]

Really? That's dating to you? I have a lot of male friends who open doors for me and who cook dinner or pay for my dinner. We don't, though, sleep in the same bed - but we could, I guess, although that would make me uncomfy.

 

It makes me uncomfy, too.

 

To me, dating is making an effort to spend quality time together often. We call each other daily, we text randomly, and we spend romantic time together. If we go a week without seeing each other, we do impractical things like drive halfway to see each other - bc we miss each other's physical presence.

 

Just hanging out doing the things you are doing doesn't say "dating" to me at all.

 

You know just occured to me?

 

He's gay. He had/has a crush on you. But he really doesn't want to have sex with you. There are a lot of hidden gays who try the GF thing - in order to tell friends and family that "hey - I'm not gay! Julie spend the whole weekend with me!" You could be his "cloak".

 

A guy I dated in college pulled this on me. I really wasn't surprised when it happened. I really hope this is the second time in waiting. We've actually joked about the fact his mom thought he was gay at one point. And his ex-girlfriend. He said that people who respond to that are just being sensitive because they're not secure in themselves, or in the fact that they AREN'T gay.

[Lucky_One]

His mom thought he was gay? And an ex-GF?

 

Ok. Why do you NOT think he is gay?

[audrey_1]

His mom thought he was gay? And an ex-GF?

 

Ok. Why do you NOT think he is gay?

 

Because he has porn on his computer that is only women. And I found one that's just a head of a woman who looks a lot like me, and she is moving about, making noises like she is responding to sex with someone, though there isn't a man in the video. It's just of her face. She looks like me.

[Lucky_One]

That is the ONLY reason you don't think he is gay?

 

When a mom thinks that her son might be gay, that is BIG. Moms tend to be more in denial at the thought that their kid might be gay. Bringing up the question "I think you are gay, honey" is pretty telling!

[audrey_1]

That is the ONLY reason you don't think he is gay?

 

When a mom thinks that her son might be gay, that is BIG. Moms tend to be more in denial at the thought that their kid might be gay. Bringing up the question "I think you are gay, honey" is pretty telling!

 

Would you ask him?

[Lucky_One]

Sure. What's his number.

 

Doubtful he would be honest with me, though. Sounds like he is in denial or that he is trying to keep his alternative lifestyle hidden with you as a cover.

[audrey_1]

Sure. What's his number.

 

Doubtful he would be honest with me, though. Sounds like he is in denial or that he is trying to keep his alternative lifestyle hidden with you as a cover.

 

I didn't mean YOU specifically. Of course, you know that. I've seen on Facebook where he's searched for ex-girlfriends or other women who he had crushes on through the years. And he has the number of this hot chick on his FB programmed into his phone. I'm not sure I'd count him as gay just yet.

 

I just don't think he's programmed like the typical male.

[Shygirl15]

I could... and if I truly believe that she is the one, then I would. I love sex as much as the next person but I have no problem controlling myself, I find it that the anticipation can be just as enticing as the act itself, plus when we do get to do it, it would be so good... every single round

 

Make sense if it's a new relationship where sex hasn't taken place yet, but Audrey already had sex with this guy before, which is why this whole business sounds fishy to me.

 

And I support whoever started the idea that he could be gay. That was the first thing that came into my mind as I was reading this post.

[audrey_1]

Make sense if it's a new relationship where sex hasn't taken place yet, but Audrey already had sex with this guy before, which is why this whole business sounds fishy to me.

 

And I support whoever started the idea that he could be gay. That was the first thing that came into my mind as I was reading this post.

 

He said one time that he believed intercourse always leads women into a bond of commitment, and he wasn't ready, so he didn't want to lead me on. Of course this, too, was after we had already been sexually active.

[Lucky_One]

Then believe what he has told you.

 

He said that he doesn't want a commitment with you and that sex equals commitment.

 

That is why he doesn't want to have sex with you.

[Capricciosa]

You need to speak up, girl. There is no other way. Doesn't seem like you are able to just let this go away on its own. How much of that anxious suffering and waiting are you willing to do? Unless there is something that has really impeded his sex drive, like anti-depressants or something, 3 nights in a bed and no intimacy is all the information you need. (I also thought of the herpes thing, and if mom thinks he's gay and the ex=girlfriend, you need to take their hunches seriously).

[audrey_1]

Then believe what he has told you.

 

He said that he doesn't want a commitment with you and that sex equals commitment.

 

That is why he doesn't want to have sex with you.

 

Arrgh. I hate the choice I'm faced with. Hate that I'm probably the one in the lopsided equation who wants more. I'm not sure I can just be his friend anymore. It's making me crazy and breaking my heart.

[carhill]

OP, it is possible he might love you but just not "in that way", as in the extra factor which, as you so eloquently stated, causes him to "want to rip your clothes off". I know this feeling. I would take a bullet for this person, give her anything and everything, and for a long time thought she was the love of my life, but somehow, for some reason, sex with her just feels wrong, even putting thoughts and imagery to the desire. I know that probably doesn't make sense and I didn't realize it until only recently, after knowing her for years. It's a fascinating nuance, since most men want to "do" women they get close to, and I see that feature in myself, with other women, just not this one. Someone here on LS once said you can have a soulmate but it doesn't have to be a romantic/sexual connection. That's what I've experienced.

 

Hope you can make sense of your situation. Sounds very frustrating. I can empathize

[audrey_1]

OP, it is possible he might love you but just not "in that way", as in the extra factor which, as you so eloquently stated, causes him to "want to rip your clothes off". I know this feeling. I would take a bullet for this person, give her anything and everything, and for a long time thought she was the love of my life, but somehow, for some reason, sex with her just feels wrong, even putting thoughts and imagery to the desire. I know that probably doesn't make sense and I didn't realize it until only recently, after knowing her for years. It's a fascinating nuance, since most men want to "do" women they get close to, and I see that feature in myself, with other women, just not this one. Someone here on LS once said you can have a soulmate but it doesn't have to be a romantic/sexual connection. That's what I've experienced.

 

Hope you can make sense of your situation. Sounds very frustrating. I can empathize

 

Oh now, wouldn't that be something. I finally feel the juices flowing again over someone in every way: intellectually, emotionally and physically, and fate wouldn't let me have it.

 

Figures.

 

In this same conversation that he thinks sex leads women to a bond of commitment, he said that it didn't have anything to do with his attraction for me.

 

I've gotten so many mixed signals from him, but he's gotten them from me, too. Ugh.

[carhill]

A simplistic, and likely erroneous (for your specifics) explanation would be that you're not on the same page romantically. I experienced this with my friend. Timing and circumstance are everything. The more water under the bridge without the relationship moving into that very intimate bonding period, the more likely IMO you will experience what happened to me.

 

Specifically, even if I were divorced tomorrow, healthy in a year and ready for a new relationship and she came to me, the feeling of immediacy and attraction which I had for her for many years is now gone. Circumstances (not overt action) killed that desire in me, likely over time, but, regardless, it's dead, without consummation, and IME, unrequited desires are far stronger and long-lived than emotions from consummated relationships, since those are based in reality and the chance of one party placing another on a pedestal lessens greatly. You had the latter, experiencing reality, and, if you're not getting strong signals of present and future desire from him, I'd be very doubtful. IMO, and I've always very selective about whom I have sex with, his story about intercourse and commitment is just BS. Sorry....

[audrey_1]

A simplistic, and likely erroneous (for your specifics) explanation would be that you're not on the same page romantically. I experienced this with my friend. Timing and circumstance are everything. The more water under the bridge without the relationship moving into that very intimate bonding period, the more likely IMO you will experience what happened to me.

 

Specifically, even if I were divorced tomorrow, healthy in a year and ready for a new relationship and she came to me, the feeling of immediacy and attraction which I had for her for many years is now gone. Circumstances (not overt action) killed that desire in me, likely over time, but, regardless, it's dead, without consummation, and IME, unrequited desires are far stronger and long-lived than emotions from consummated relationships, since those are based in reality and the chance of one party placing another on a pedestal lessens greatly. You had the latter, experiencing reality, and, if you're not getting strong signals of present and future desire from him, I'd be very doubtful. IMO, and I've always very selective about whom I have sex with, his story about intercourse and commitment is just BS. Sorry....

 

No, this explanation makes perfect sense, though it is a tough pill to swallow. He has said that dating had never really been a priority of his. Succeeding in business is. He was curious about where I was in my life; he found me and has caused mass confusion in my heart and head. But for him, his curiosity had been satisfied and consummated. So you're right. There's probably no hope for us beyond platonic friendship at this point. I hoped for more, but I'll just dive back into my life.

[Lauriebell82]

No, this explanation makes perfect sense, though it is a tough pill to swallow. He has said that dating had never really been a priority of his. Succeeding in business is. He was curious about where I was in my life; he found me and has caused mass confusion in my heart and head. But for him, his curiosity had been satisfied and consummated. So you're right. There's probably no hope for us beyond platonic friendship at this point. I hoped for more, but I'll just dive back into my life.

 

Sounds to me like he could be a workaholic in the making. Do you want to end up with someone who makes his job a priority over you? I agree with the fact that he probably stopped having sex with you for fear that it would grow too serious. You sound like YOU are very serious about this guy, he may have sensed that you may have wanted more, therefore he just pulled back in an attempt to show you he didn't want anything real huge. Granted actually TELLING you how he was feeling would have been the better route, but unfortunely men are dense when it comes to relationships sometimes.

 

I still say that you should at least talk to him so you can get some closure. I'm hesitant to persuade you to stay friends with him if thats what he says, as chances are you may always be wanting more. Being freinds with someone you have feelings for is not easy, and most likely you won't be able to move past it and get over him.

 

It's up to you what you chose to do, but my advice is find closure from him so you will know for sure. Yes, it will hurt, but trust me you will get over it. You deserve someone who is totally devoted to YOU, and he's out there somewhere.

[audrey_1]

Sounds to me like he could be a workaholic in the making. Do you want to end up with someone who makes his job a priority over you? I agree with the fact that he probably stopped having sex with you for fear that it would grow too serious. You sound like YOU are very serious about this guy, he may have sensed that you may have wanted more, therefore he just pulled back in an attempt to show you he didn't want anything real huge. Granted actually TELLING you how he was feeling would have been the better route, but unfortunely men are dense when it comes to relationships sometimes.

 

I still say that you should at least talk to him so you can get some closure. I'm hesitant to persuade you to stay friends with him if thats what he says, as chances are you may always be wanting more. Being freinds with someone you have feelings for is not easy, and most likely you won't be able to move past it and get over him.

 

It's up to you what you chose to do, but my advice is find closure from him so you will know for sure. Yes, it will hurt, but trust me you will get over it. You deserve someone who is totally devoted to YOU, and he's out there somewhere.

 

No, I don't want to play second fiddle to a job, even if it occupies a lot of their time. I understand placing emphasis on this aspect of life, but it shouldn't trump those we care about, IMO. The venture in the works for him right now can be partially credited to me. I wrote the proposal he submitted for a project he's working on that could potentially make him a millionaire. I will receive a share of the initial profits, but it would see him traveling and working odd hours for sure. I am preparing myself for the closure conversation. We have been at this crossroads once before; he said that finality would come from what I want. If I want more, any and all interaction will probably end, save the check he sends to pay me for my contribution to his success.

 

Perhaps he did sense that I cared for him beyond friends and pulled back as a result. Last weekend, he told me he cares for me, and I blew him off. I didn't pursue a discussion about it once he said it. Maybe I should have. I just didn't want him to be uncomfortable if his saying that caught even him by surprise. Of course it could be as Carhill says, he cares for me, but just not THAT way.