also about changing your name

[zoe1983]

So i always liked the traditional idea of taking my husbands name when i get married. Not only do i not particularly like my last name but i like my boyfriends and also just like the way it connects the two of you.

 

ANyways here is the problem....my boyfriend hates his last name. Not because it sounds funny or anything (actually i like it much more than my own!) but because his ******* grandfather left his father on his third birthday and never came back. My boyfriend's father is EXTREMELY bitter about the whole thing and most of the family members use this as an excuse for his fathers awful behavior. he wants us both to choose a completely new last name when we get married. Not only do i feel like this takes away from the tradition, im also worried it might bother some of his family. Also i feel like it just keeps the cycle of hate and bitterness towards this man going. They already have a cycle of violence in the family and that is something my boyfriend works hard to avoid.

 

I didn't even realize in the beginning how serious my boyfriend was about this but lately ive realized he really is. We plan to get engaged soon and im just not sure how to resolve this issue.

 

Is he dragging up old history and causing new potential drama or am i just not being understanding?

[Walk]

My H isn't particularly fond of his last name for generally the same reason. Seems like people believe passing on the last name immortalizes the previous generation. That a part of their fathers/grandfathers has some kind of influence over them because of the same last name. Its kind of an irrational thought process once you really look at logically.

 

I explained to my H (at the time) that I could understand why he wasn't happy with how his family treated him as a child, but a name isn't anything more then a thing we use to identify people. I've been married before and had changed my last name from maiden to married to maiden, and it made no difference what last name I carried, I was still the person I am. It doesn't matter if my father has my last name or doesn't, he's still my father. It wouldn't matter if my H's last name was different then it is now, he still would've had the same past, the same experiences, the same anger at his relatives. Changing his name wouldn't clear the slate, wouldn't change his life, wouldn't remove the memories. Its just a name. I was marrying him for who he is. And I felt that he had created a name that signifies his strength, his love, his ability to overcome great obsticles, and the great man he is. He made that name have significance, not the other way around.

 

I explained that it was him (my H) that determined what that name stood for, and what type of person he would be.

 

Anyway, I told him I would be honored to take his last name because I felt it represented someone great (him!). But I left the decision up to him.

 

We decided we would both use his last name and start a family (well, just the two of us) that represented what we wanted it to represent... and not allow the actions of past generations to dictate who we are.

[Lizzie60]

Everytime I see threads like this I roll my eyes.. why would you want to ditch your identity for a man that, most likely, will not be with you in 10 years... really... why doesn't he change for your last name.

 

This, for women, is going back in our gain for 'equality'... women give a lot for a man.. we hear stories on LS all the time.. he's lazy, I do all the work, he's cheating, he is not communicative, yadayadayada... the list goes on.

 

I never understood that concept, to give up your own heritage for a man. I find it totally idiotic to be honest.. and 'wimpy'

[Ronni_W]

Also i feel like it just keeps the cycle of hate and bitterness towards this man going. They already have a cycle of violence in the family and that is something my boyfriend works hard to avoid.

I would look at it as your bf's attempt to BREAK that cycle of violence and bitterness. There is a lot of "vibe" around names in general. If your b/f identifies his ancestral trauma and pain with the word that links him to his ancestors, it makes a lot of sense for him to want to break away from that word with the intention of liberating himself from negative bonds & beliefs, unpleasant family experiences that have spanned generations, and unhelpful or useless "traditions".

 

I think it is wonderful that he wants to make such a fresh start with you -- for him, his new beginning means starting with a new word (last name) with which he can associate true happiness, joy, love, success, harmony, etc.

 

Another perspective is that it DOES take a deep desire and much courage to actually change one's last name (maybe especially for guys, given tradition?) -- he would have given this SERIOUS thought and it is obviously very important to him, likely for many reasons on many different levels.

 

Can you guys "join" your current last names in a harmonious way, so that you will BOTH be extremely happy? Or use specific letters, or sequences of letters? Or you could do some research on numerology, even, to create something that will represent, for you BOTH, all your highest visions and dreams for your future.

 

IMO, the very LAST thing to worry about is how others will view it. Focus on your bf's desires and comfort level before societal norms and "traditions". You both have the power to create your own traditions that match your own ideas of what will bring lasting happiness and success.

 

Congrats on your upcoming engagement -- wishing you both all the best in the future.

[Touche]

Maybe he can change his last name to his middle name and use a last name from the other side of his family?

 

I would go along with his desires on this. I mean you're changing your name anyway so it shouldn't matter too much whether it's his current name or another family name.

 

And I agree that you shouldn't worry about what other people think.

 

I certainly understand wanting to have the same name as you become "family." I mean you're not going to just be "shacking up" with the guy. You will be married.

 

I do agree though that one's name isn't one's "identity." Two separate things. So he should keep that in mind.