LateBloomer Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I've just gone through the most traumatic breakup of my life. In fact, it feels like it's been the most traumatic EVENT of my entire life. I've had many relationships, ended some, had others end it, etc... In any case, I tried posting about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t161791/ To make a long story short, the woman of my dreams (or so I thought) cut and run on me right at the end. You know, the runaway bride syndrome, but of course we never made it to the altar. It's been more than a month since the breakup, but only a week since "NC." Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better, other times I relapse into those thoughts: "Sweety, you made a mistake, come back!" "What happened, what we had was so great!" But then: - She had some issues. - The dynamic led to things under the surface that exploded for her in the end. - I was somewhat empty when the relationship started. And I still have this fantasy where in the not too distant future I've remade myself into the person I've been trying to be for years ... and she's dealt with her issues (doesn't seem like it at the moment) and we're back. Even though I know I can probably never trust her feelings again, I miss her like crazy and part of me just wants her back in my life. Truth be told, I have made a ton of progress on myself in a pretty short period. The devastation of this breakup has been transformative to say the least. It's woken me up to things I haven't been dealing with properly for about twenty years. For anyone familiar with Rilke's letter on pain ... it was is if he wrote it for me. I've taken it so to heart. I try to stay active, work while at work. Have started volunteering (although still waiting for my 1st day due to background check). Took my first yoga class, which was only soso. Reconnecting with old friends. I exercise like crazy (twice per day just about). Am going to attend MA meetings (I've quit for more than a month, but see other aspects to recovery it might help with) starting this Thursday. I'm also getting professional help. Please, tell me there's even something little extra I can do. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours per night in over a month. I try to discipline my mind to not think about her, but it's hard. I also try to cut myself slack, and rather than fix everything right now am just trying to stabilize. But my brain often goes back there. I know it will take time, but I'm hoping there might be some other things I'm missing. I keep a diary, gratitude lists, things I can do today, tomorrow and in the future that will make me happy, etc... Comments more than welcome.
replicator Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 It sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort to move forward, and while it won't fix all your problems or take away that ache in your chest, you're going in the right direction. My break up was pretty shocking and traumatic as well, and I was a zombie for months. I still get flashbacks of us together, and the sting is still raw, but I am better than I was 4 months ago. I think all that we can do is keep moving forward. Don't be afraid to look back now and then, it is only natural. Don't expect the pain to go away, but believe that you will feel better some day. Just like you said, tough situations in life can be very transformative. In a sense, when you face tragedy/trauma where you seemingly have no control, you can chose to accept it and rise up to become something greater. Even in the face of something really horrible, you can still learn something and find meaning in your life.
citizen67 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Replicator gives good advice. Keep staying busy, working and focusing on yourself. Try to have some interactions with elements of nature that appeal to you - walk by the ocean, go to the arboreteum, take a kid to a zoo. Give yoga a few more tries - or try a different class teacher. Yoga totally feels weird at first, you sort of have to surrender to it. And sometimes, its okay to just lose it and cry and cry and cry, feel the pain, obviously its preferable if you do that alone & at home! Bad idea on dates
Author LateBloomer Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 I actually got a better experience from Bikram yoga. Sadly it was with her. I know she goes semi regularly and there's only one Bikram center in town. I'd hate to run into her at this point. It would be quite upsetting. But then again, who knows. I'll give this class another try AND maybe try some of the others. I don't think I have to avoid Bikram just because she does it. But I'll try others first. I don't need the yoga/workout so much as I exercise plenty. I do like the deep stretch though.
ianandris Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Bro, the quickest way out is through. If you keep distracting yourself, it will take longer to get over her. Let your grief run its course. Don't talk to her, but don't stop yourself from thinking about her. Memories and thoughts lose emotional potency the more often they're replayed. Don't worry, though. you'll get through. The first month is the hardest (first month of NC, that is. It's like a video game. If you break NC, you reset your break up clock and have to start over.). Don't misunderstand, you NEEED to stay busy. But when you have those down times you need to let yourself think and feel what comes. Censored emotions don't process.
RecordProducer Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 When I am down due to a breakup (gone through two broken marriages), it always helps me to relax, watch TV, read, hang out with my kids, friends, focus on other people's problems and forget about mine. Trying hard to be happy after a major breakup is like trying to run after a big surgery. You'd say you're not trying to be happy - then, accept that you will be miserable for a while. If all your effort to stay busy doesn't pay, just burst in tears 'till you have no more tears in your eyes. Then curl up with your favorite ice cream and softest blanket in front of your TV and a bunch of movies from the DVD club. It hurts, but it goes away and it makes you a stronger person. Separations are a great exercise of your emotional strength - those "muscles" stay in your mind forever.
citizen67 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Bro, the quickest way out is through. If you keep distracting yourself, it will take longer to get over her. Let your grief run its course. Don't talk to her, but don't stop yourself from thinking about her. Memories and thoughts lose emotional potency the more often they're replayed. Don't worry, though. you'll get through. The first month is the hardest (first month of NC, that is. It's like a video game. If you break NC, you reset your break up clock and have to start over.). Don't misunderstand, you NEEED to stay busy. But when you have those down times you need to let yourself think and feel what comes. Censored emotions don't process. That is really really good advice. I am at a place where people keep saying "keep busy, date other people, forget him he's a big jerk, you are better off" but I know that I do need to feel the pain if there is any chance of moving on
RecordProducer Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Memories and thoughts lose emotional potency the more often they're replayed. Sooooo true! like a video game. If you break NC, you reset your break up clock and have to start over.).Somebody likes to play video games. Don't misunderstand, you NEEED to stay busy. But when you have those down times you need to let yourself think and feel what comes. Censored emotions don't process. Again, very ture.
ianandris Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Somebody likes to play video games. shh. don't let the ladies know. They'll write me off as lazy, immature, and childish.
blue636 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Bro, the quickest way out is through. If you keep distracting yourself, it will take longer to get over her. Let your grief run its course. Don't talk to her, but don't stop yourself from thinking about her. Memories and thoughts lose emotional potency the more often they're replayed. Don't worry, though. you'll get through. The first month is the hardest (first month of NC, that is. It's like a video game. If you break NC, you reset your break up clock and have to start over.). Don't misunderstand, you NEEED to stay busy. But when you have those down times you need to let yourself think and feel what comes. Censored emotions don't process. My counselor just told me this after separating 5 months ago (ultimately divorce). All my friends kept saying, "Well, I guess the best thing to do is move on, get rid of all your pictures of her, the two of you, and everything that reminds you of her." Why is it that everyone seems to think that getting over someone and moving on means erasing them from your mind? For the first month or two, every time I thought of her, I would try to distract myself by doing something, reading, playing chess or piano, or working out. I kept wondering why I wasn't feeling completely miserable and whether I'd have some kind of breakdown or hit bottom. It didn't come at that time because I ignored it and pretended like life would be great from here forward. Since I've put it off, it's all hitting me now... Now, I think of her and miss her more than ever. We haven't talked since we split. I miss her and I'll feel anything from sadness, anger, guilt, hatred, etc.... This time, I'm not running away from those feelings or thoughts. I let them set it, run its course, and then do something productive so I don't do anything stupid from the feelings I have (getting really drunk, begging for her back, etc.) I wish I'd known to do this long ago.
RecordProducer Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 shh. don't let the ladies know. They'll write me off as lazy, immature, and childish. Wow, you even know that. You know an awful lot about men & women, dude. Indeed, if a guy told me in the first 10 min that he passionately plays video games, I'd probably picture our relationship as him ignoring me over playing games. My kids do that.
RecordProducer Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I would try to distract myself by doing something, reading, playing chess or piano, or working out. Now, I think of her and miss her more than ever. Well, you're going to miss her for a year or two anyway, so you might as well live your life in the meanwhile. I don't think that putting the thoughts off will prolong the pain. Time cures everything and it's best to use that time to do something with your life. You might be suffering, but at least create your future while suffering. The thing is, people choose the wrong things: exercise, music, etc. You need to keep your mind budy. For example, if you'd start a new business (not necessarily your own business, just anything completely new that would involve real money and gains/losses), your mind would quickly become occupied with other stuff and there would be less room for thoughts about the ex.
laars Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 not sure if this will work (my break up is only t minus 2 days) but I know a technique that's suggested for people with anxiety problems is to set aside a period of time per day to worry about stuff. Maybe you should try setting aside an hour a day for a week to sit down and dwell on your pain. Think about her as much as possible in this hour... look at photos, ticket stubs, whatever it takes. After that hour pack the pain away until the next day. Postpone any thoughts you have of her until this hour. This will let you deal with the pain (I agree with ianandris you do need to embrace the pain in order to move on) but will also let you take control over at least 23 hours of your day. After a while you'll find yourself packing the hurt away after 30 minutes, then after 10 and then one day you wont need to do it at all.
Author LateBloomer Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 I may try that. I think I did early on and found that it was hard to make myself feel the pain. Instead, it seemed to come on it's own.
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