Devastating breakup, "She just didn't feel it anymore"

[LateBloomer]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm hoping I can get some words of wisdom from people here because I'm hurting pretty bad, and have been for more than a month. I'm not even sure I can explain this story anymore, as I've done it a dozen times to friends, but I'm not sure what else to do.

 

I met this wonderful woman about one year ago. Although we had a bit of a rocky start, I felt we hit an amazing groove back in January. The defining strength of the relationship, or so I thought, was our ability to communicate and always move forward. Lots of common interest, friends in common, and constant, amazing love making.

 

We had just come back from a trip to Europe, where she told me she was having some troubles with my being unhappy in my job, being negative, and often not "present" in our conversations. To make a long story short, the whole thing forced me to see the reality about an addiction to video games and marijuana. I agreed to change, and did for the most part. The pot went, but the video games remained. They went as well, shortly after all this **** hit the fan.

 

Once again, she agreed that this all made sense and we continued to move forward. We had a beautiful evening where we confided deep secrets we had never told anyone. My birthday came and went where she told me how happy she was that we could spend it together, and relieved that we had weathered the storm so to speak.

 

We took a trip to California to be with her family. It was magical, at least for me. Almost like a pre-honeymoon. But it seems as though for her, we failed some kind of litmus test. So the day after we got back it seems as though she decided that "she didn't love me enough." The next day, she came to me and said, "I'm not feeling this way now, but I've been feeling distant."

 

I don't think it's a coincidence that every time we got into a more and more romantic situation, her doubts and fears rose. I feel sometimes like this is a bit of the runaway bride syndrome.

 

Anyhow, I had trouble handling it that night and became very upset. It seemed as though she was priming the pump for a breakup. I couldn't believe it because it seemed like we were moving closer and closer, and I was making some real changes. I tried to reason with her, asking her why she would want to flush such a beautiful thing down the tubes. I also tried before leaving to get her to reconsider.

 

Two days later we spoke again and she seemed to have hit the ground running in the other direction. I told her how much I loved her, and that love means work, that you can't expect butterflies all the time. Also that the visit with the family was a bit stressful for her.

 

So she took two weeks "thinking about it." We had basically no contact that whole time. Sadly, she just drifted away. I didn't know what to do. I felt if I had tried, it would have just pushed her away. Who knows if I did the right thing.

 

When we talked after that two weeks (which were the most hellish of my life) I told her how bad I felt about my checking out with video games and pot. I told her that I hadn't been the person I want to be, the person I used to be. And I tell you it is the truth.

 

But she said she didn't have the love to go what lies ahead for me and needed closure. She also said that she wanted to remain friends, and that we should touch base in another two weeks. She called me last Tuesday saying that she does want to be friends, but thought it might be too early, and asked me what I thought. Sadly, all I could do was tell her that I still love her and to please, please think about what she's doing. I told her this could be a wake up call for both of us and that that magic may very well lay right around the corner, if we'd just have a look.

 

She was adamant. "I just don't feel it." It hurt so bad to hear that. It was like banging my head against a brick wall. It really felt as though in one moment we were so incredibly close, and the next she was gone, gone, gone.

 

Apparently, since the beginning, she had been waiting for some kind of magical love to blossom, and also was grinding a seriously negative critical lens about me, even before I starting gaming and smoking again.

 

But I was also the first man she had ever said "I love you" to first. It was a highpoint for her. I know she has some deep wounds from childhood and really think she has some intimacy issues. In fact I know she does. We had a conversation once early on where she said, "I dunno, fear of intimacy? I'm not having this conversation with you!" and went running into the other room crying.

 

The thing that kills me is how she's built such a negative case. She feels now that we're just different people. It's like I'm talking to a completely different person. There's even an undertone of anger and harshness in it all. I've never done anything bad to her or even so much as raised my voice in anger.

 

Yet at some point wants to be friends ... after the emotions die. I told her, if they have to die ... then there's something there! And if we're such different people, why does she want to be friends at all? She insists that we just need to be apart for a long while so the feelings can just die. It kills me.

 

It's very confusing, and leaves me feeling very broken. I have problems with self criticism. And the fact that I was just turning a corner and making some changes, which she admits I was ... but then to have her leave ... hurts more than I can really express. It feels like she's told me, "You can't be fixed."

 

She thinks we need to basically have no contact at all for a while, months perhaps. That's so harsh. She was a part of my daily love. We had amazing sex ALL the time. I don't see how she could turn on a dime like that.

 

She hasn't even really apologized for how painful this was. She knows she was leading me in the other direction. We were talking about "marriage as the end game" and even planning on moving out of our little town in two years. It was "the two year plan" as she called it. Neither has she really come out about HER role in all this, and the things she did to make me feel anxious during the relationship, mainly in the beginning.

 

Anyhow, I haven't gotten more than two or three hours of sleep per night since it all happened. Sometimes none. Obviously, it shows. Sorry for the wall of text. I know there's stuff I'm leaving out, but needed to reach out somehow here online.

 

Any comments or input would be surely welcome. I know I can't get her back. She's gone, running, sprinting in the other direction. But she was my lover and best friend. It hurts so bad this feeling of her completely turning her back on me, on us. I loved her more than life itself.

[journey1]

I hear what you are saying and I totally can empathize with you. Perhaps she is going through a phase. How old are the two of you?? Age can def play a part in all of this. If she were young like in her early 20s it is possible she is freakig herslef out and that she is pulling away. I used to do it too. The best advice I can offer you and i think it will work for you is to try your best to ignore her and give her zero attention until she convinces you she is ready for you!! You can turn the tables on her if you stop acting like the always available guy waiting for her every move. I am in love with my ex who I ran after and it make s him ignore me more, on the other hand I have a guy who is obsessed with me and I cant even look in his direction cause its pathetic to me how eager he is and how much self respect he lacks AND THAN I THINK I AM DOING THE SAME THING TO THE GUY I LOVE. But it all seems different when its you and your love! So I have been following all the NC no contact advice finally and I hope soon thigs will turn around for all of us here! Good Luck PS Most people are so hurt becasue one min things are great and talks about love, and babies and marriage and than POOF GONE ..some for good and others until they can figure their sh** out! Hang in there, its only the beginning. As for sleep...start smoking that pot again...hey she is not around dictating your life anymore. Puff away and get some rest!

[LateBloomer]

Thanks. Sadly we live in a small town and have friends in common. I just saw one of her friends today and she asked how I was doing. I couldn't help myself and said "not well." I almost broke down right there in the street.

 

I know ... a good friend of my ex's had this ridiculous situation with her ex, where he moved here (and she told him not to) he hung around perpetually (and she told him not to) yet she also asked him for favors, help and even travel on a big trip for an art project. All she could say was "I just don't love him." Both her any my ex would discuss this and feel the guy was somehow just being a fool. I felt so bad for him. He got the raw end of the deal for sure.

 

I don't want to be that guy. Sadly, I think I've already made the mistake. I told her last we spoke that it had been a month, and I still loved her. It's true. And like I said, I'm sure her friend and mutual friends will report in. I guess I have to hide it?

 

Yet I have to admit, this was a serious betrayal. I don't know that I can ever trust her again. I know there's no way we could be back together now unless SHE made some serious changes. She's not. She's not processing what went wrong for her at all. She thinks her "deep wounds" are what made her try so hard to work it out. That's probably true.

 

But she fails to see how EVERY time we got in this close, romantic situations, she freaked. She's in her early 30s, I'm in my late 30s.

 

Sometimes it makes me want to just give up on life. Thankfully I'm getting some professional help and trying to fill my life with other things. The sad fact is that I was EMPTY as a person and she filled so much. I know a solid relationship is based on two people are are at least 50% full ... each.

 

But the thing was, she TRIED to be a positive force ... all the way up until the end. Then she bailed, HARD CORE. I've never had that happen to me, only heard stories of the "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore."

 

So it goes. The ups and downs are terrible and I still can't sleep more than a couple of hours each night. It's starting to drive me crazy. I'm actually afraid to go to bed right now.

 

I miss her so much.

 

PS. Pot is gone. I'll never smoke again. The cost this time, was far too great. It blinded me to things ... and had I not been I might have been able to change things. It has also been a problem for me on and off for the last twenty years. Nothing left for me to see in that world. Time for some reality, and feeling good there. That's just me though. I think some people can use pot just fine. Not me is all.

[journey1]

Do you think there is any possibilty that has found another guy???? or is she talking to someone, hanging out with friends more regularly??? Something fishy is up here and you need to figure this out. Maybe you need to get mad enough and begin to turn cold.

 

As for your feelings, never hide them, if people ask, admit you love her and prob always will but you are going to respect her wishes and whatever happens happens. Try to smile and be positive when you are speaking to these people. They will report to her that you are sad and miserable and that Def wont attract her back to you. Let people know that you are doing well, and ,aybe in time when you can stomach it, go out with another girl and hopefully your small town will witness it and report back to your ex! She may need to be shaken to the core to realize that in fact she was inlove with you! Perhaps you were too predictable and became a turn off and her inlove feelings subsided cause you became so easy to push around i a sense???? Some girls like myself almost like it when a guy is loving and caring but at the same time...a little tough and a little sure of himself.

 

In the meantime and that is the hardest time...(I am living in it now and it is hell) stay as busy as you can. But for the first days and weeks, maybe reflecting and being sad is theraputic...but not for too long. Enjoy your last days of summer!

[xpaperxcutx]

If she has personal problems, then she wouldn't want to be with someone that has problems of his own. You're 30- something, smokes pot and play video games. What about your other responsibilities? It seems like she was really upset with the situation you were in and she tried to save you, yet wasn't really adamant on whether she can expect a complete 180 degrees turn from you.

 

She doesn't feel anything anymore with you because she can't be with someone who isn't goal oriented, and is constantly so negative about everything. She felt she's put alot of herself into the relationship yet it only took you recently to fully put yourself into it. She doesn't want to be used emotionally or physically and that's why she's backed way off from wanting any contact with you.

 

The thing you really need to focus on is whether you think you're worthy enough for her to take you back. You're depressed and suffering insomnia. If she sees you like this, not only would it not break her heart, she'll be disgusted with the person you've become.

 

Start detox, lay off the games, and actually live for once.

[Aleeed]

I know how you are feeling as I am going through the same thing at the moment. The harsh reality is that feelings change and so do people. My only advice is not to give up on her if you really love her, you will know when the time is right to give up. Keep contact minimal and just ask her how her day was, keep it casual, try not to bring up your relationship, if she really loves you she will realize what she is missing and come back to you. Remember that everything happens for a reason. Keep smiling, don't let it bring you down, spend time visiting friends and family and keep it at the back of your head.

[LateBloomer]

If she has personal problems, then she wouldn't want to be with someone that has problems of his own. You're 30- something, smokes pot and play video games. What about your other responsibilities? It seems like she was really upset with the situation you were in and she tried to save you, yet wasn't really adamant on whether she can expect a complete 180 degrees turn from you.

 

She doesn't feel anything anymore with you because she can't be with someone who isn't goal oriented, and is constantly so negative about everything. She felt she's put alot of herself into the relationship yet it only took you recently to fully put yourself into it. She doesn't want to be used emotionally or physically and that's why she's backed way off from wanting any contact with you.

 

The thing you really need to focus on is whether you think you're worthy enough for her to take you back. You're depressed and suffering insomnia. If she sees you like this, not only would it not break her heart, she'll be disgusted with the person you've become.

 

Start detox, lay off the games, and actually live for once.

 

Well, that's pretty harsh, but a little bit true. The thing is, I wasn't smoking and gaming when the relationship started. She has some issues with being openly emotional / affectionate. She kept me somewhat at a distance for several months and that freaked me out. Then the games entered.

 

In the end, she did see me making real change. I had quit smoking and the games were serious curtailed. I was already moving in the right direction. She was also telling me that things were good, getting better.

 

Somehow we failed some kind of litmus test for her in California. That began to unravel everything. Now she's going back in time coming up with all these reasons "we're so different" even suggesting that maybe we should have broken up in December of last year! I can't tell you how much that hurts.

 

I appreciate the advice about NC though. I fear I've already done the damage by a) trying three times over the last month or so to get her to reconsider and b) confiding in mutual friends how miserable I am. It's a small town, so b) has probably spread pretty far and wide.

 

I do still love and care about her, but honestly don't know if I could get back together with her. She would need to make some serious changes too in terms of being so critical of people and those nasty intimacy issues. Like it or not, this has been a betrayal. She led me to believe one thing, but deep down was planning an exit ... then ran when she somehow got confused about "feeling distant."

 

As far as emailing her and whatnot, she seems to feel that absolutely no contact is best until we can "just be friends." I guess it would have been nice to just do that ... but since the last time we spoke (was supposed to be as friends) ... I tried once again to get her to reconsider and told her that even though it had been a month, I still loved her.

 

Part of that was actually a negative reaction I was having to some meds. They may work for some, but definitely not for me. I had serious anxiety attacks and woke up from a nap one day feeling like the WHOLE THING had just happened moments ago ... even though it had been about a month.

[LateBloomer]

Do you think there is any possibilty that has found another guy???? or is she talking to someone, hanging out with friends more regularly??? Something fishy is up here and you need to figure this out. Maybe you need to get mad enough and begin to turn cold.

I've asked her repeatedly if there's someone else and she says no. I am pretty sure she's been hanging more with at least one very negative girlfriend. She's also had lots of trips out of town lately (wedding, family beach) doing things we had planned on doing together. I also think she has been busy with her work, I actually know she has ... stressed about some conference paper deadlines coming up and the start of the semester (we work in academia). And I do think she's been spending more time hanging with other friends too, some of whom are leaving town.

 

As for your feelings, never hide them, if people ask, admit you love her and prob always will but you are going to respect her wishes and whatever happens happens. Try to smile and be positive when you are speaking to these people. They will report to her that you are sad and miserable and that Def wont attract her back to you. Let people know that you are doing well, and ,aybe in time when you can stomach it, go out with another girl and hopefully your small town will witness it and report back to your ex! She may need to be shaken to the core to realize that in fact she was inlove with you! Perhaps you were too predictable and became a turn off and her inlove feelings subsided cause you became so easy to push around i a sense???? Some girls like myself almost like it when a guy is loving and caring but at the same time...a little tough and a little sure of himself.

Damn, I wish I had that advice before. Like I said, I worry I've already messed it up. Yet part of me feels like I shouldn't care because I don't honestly see how we could get back together now ... unless she's REALLY willing to make some changes too. How can I ever trust her again? She could do this very same thing in another year or two and have a completely different reason for "not feeling it."

 

In the meantime and that is the hardest time...(I am living in it now and it is hell) stay as busy as you can. But for the first days and weeks, maybe reflecting and being sad is theraputic...but not for too long. Enjoy your last days of summer!

I'm trying. It's been more than a month, but not really. The timeline kind of went like:

 

1. First conversation about breaking up ...

- -"I'm not feeling this now, but I've been feeling distant lately"

2. Two days later

- -I try to get her to take time to think about it (she does)

3. Two weeks after that (hell)

- -She doesn't have the love to work on this relationship

4. Two weeks after that (negative reaction to meds)

- -I try again to get her to reconsider

 

So in some ways, the clock has been getting reset.

 

Thanks for all the advice.

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, that's pretty harsh, but a little bit true. The thing is, I wasn't smoking and gaming when the relationship started. She has some issues with being openly emotional / affectionate. She kept me somewhat at a distance for several months and that freaked me out. Then the games entered.

 

In the end, she did see me making real change. I had quit smoking and the games were serious curtailed. I was already moving in the right direction. She was also telling me that things were good, getting better.

 

Somehow we failed some kind of litmus test for her in California. That began to unravel everything. Now she's going back in time coming up with all these reasons "we're so different" even suggesting that maybe we should have broken up in December of last year! I can't tell you how much that hurts.

 

I appreciate the advice about NC though. I fear I've already done the damage by a) trying three times over the last month or so to get her to reconsider and b) confiding in mutual friends how miserable I am. It's a small town, so b) has probably spread pretty far and wide.

 

I do still love and care about her, but honestly don't know if I could get back together with her. She would need to make some serious changes too in terms of being so critical of people and those nasty intimacy issues. Like it or not, this has been a betrayal. She led me to believe one thing, but deep down was planning an exit ... then ran when she somehow got confused about "feeling distant."

 

As far as emailing her and whatnot, she seems to feel that absolutely no contact is best until we can "just be friends." I guess it would have been nice to just do that ... but since the last time we spoke (was supposed to be as friends) ... I tried once again to get her to reconsider and told her that even though it had been a month, I still loved her.

 

Part of that was actually a negative reaction I was having to some meds. They may work for some, but definitely not for me. I had serious anxiety attacks and woke up from a nap one day feeling like the WHOLE THING had just happened moments ago ... even though it had been about a month.

 

I don't think I was being harsh, I think in a way I understand her. I was in a previous relationship with a guy who was just like you, he had quit smoking pot before we met, but he was a game addict, and he had severe mood swings from suffering clinical deppressions. At times I was really frustrated because he was always moody and I couldn't handle being his mother and taking care of him all the time. He had family problems as well because he never leaves his apartment and I was constantly trying to encourage him to get a job and better himself. But in the end I couldn't handle all his drama, because no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't make him be goal oriented with his life.

 

Your gf feels like that. She's constantly having to encourage you to better yourself, and when she doesn't see you even trying, she feels like she's wasting her time and energy. It can be frustrating because in a way she does have alot of expectations placed on you to be the man of her dreams. But you can't expect her to deal with your problems constantly. She wants you to reassure her that everything is going to be okay once in a while without her having to worry about you.

 

But right now, I think you need to stop calling her. Right now, no matter how hard it is, you need to place your focus on yourself. You're a wreck, and if you continue to let yourself deteriorate like this, the possibility of her even wanting to be just your friend is out of the question. Give her and yourself some space. No matter how much you plead with her, and tell her how much you love her, isn't going to make things better on its own. You need to work hard on getting yourself better. It's not that she betrayed you, it's just that she figured out she can't really fix you. The only person that can do it is yourself.

 

She's shut down her emotions to you completely, and that's why her behaviour seems harsh and somewhat condescending. You can't make her come back to you. The only thing you can do is to better yourself and hope that she sees the change in you enough to regret breaking up with you. That doesn't mean you change for her. First and foremost, you should change because you want to.

[LateBloomer]

I don't think I was being harsh, I think in a way I understand her. I was in a previous relationship with a guy who was just like you, he had quit smoking pot before we met, but he was a game addict, and he had severe mood swings from suffering clinical deppressions. At times I was really frustrated because he was always moody and I couldn't handle being his mother and taking care of him all the time. He had family problems as well because he never leaves his apartment and I was constantly trying to encourage him to get a job and better himself. But in the end I couldn't handle all his drama, because no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't make him be goal oriented with his life.

 

Your gf feels like that. She's constantly having to encourage you to better yourself, and when she doesn't see you even trying, she feels like she's wasting her time and energy. It can be frustrating because in a way she does have alot of expectations placed on you to be the man of her dreams. But you can't expect her to deal with your problems constantly. She wants you to reassure her that everything is going to be okay once in a while without her having to worry about you.

 

But right now, I think you need to stop calling her. Right now, no matter how hard it is, you need to place your focus on yourself. You're a wreck, and if you continue to let yourself deteriorate like this, the possibility of her even wanting to be just your friend is out of the question. Give her and yourself some space. No matter how much you plead with her, and tell her how much you love her, isn't going to make things better on its own. You need to work hard on getting yourself better. It's not that she betrayed you, it's just that she figured out she can't really fix you. The only person that can do it is yourself.

 

She's shut down her emotions to you completely, and that's why her behaviour seems harsh and somewhat condescending. You can't make her come back to you. The only thing you can do is to better yourself and hope that she sees the change in you enough to regret breaking up with you. That doesn't mean you change for her. First and foremost, you should change because you want to.

 

There might be some similarities, but also some differences. I have a good job and make decent money. I also own a house and do (did) get out. She was very critical very early on about things having nothing to do with my "problems." She's like that with several folks. It helped set an unhealthy tone.

 

Even worse, she never told me how my "problems" were actually a problem for her. Instead, she always preached understanding and patience. Always. She never once complained, until the very, very end. That's the betrayal. You need to tell your partner what's going on, not hide negative emotions.

 

I think it all came unraveled when being in a very romantic situation triggered some of her other fears. The whole thing was too much, and part of what you're saying came rushing back to her. Even though I was trying to change, it left a bitter taste in her mouth. So I agree there. The thing is though, it takes two. She's never owned up to what she did to screw this up ... and she did just as much as I did.

 

But yeah, I'm not calling. In fact, I haven't called. It's been her calling me on those "regularly scheduled" contact points.

 

Yes, I am working very hard on myself. I'm in better physical shape than ever. My main goal now is the sleep. But I'm also putting other things into my life like volunteering, yoga, and attending MA meetings. Sadly, I was on Wellbutrin for the duration of our relationship and I think it was a MISTAKE. Two side effects hit me pretty hard: obsessive behavior and sleep problems.

 

I guess at the end of the day, I wasn't ME throughout much of the relationship. She knows that ... yet I think she's also doubtful if I can change. Somehow in all that mess, her emotions shut down. It's a shame because the ME that I really am would have complimented the SHE she really is. Who knows if it'll be too late and she'll find someone else. I don't think she's dealing with her underlying issues very well though. But who knows. I can't do anything about it.

 

I will keep up the NC and work on myself. It occured to me this morning that either a) we'll come back to each other one day or b) I'll find someone even better ... because as I become more of a full person I will be able to find people that compliment me EVEN BETTER.

 

That last paragraph is true, but man it comes and goes sometimes.

[xpaperxcutx]

There might be some similarities, but also some differences. I have a good job and make decent money. I also own a house and do (did) get out. She was very critical very early on about things having nothing to do with my "problems." She's like that with several folks. It helped set an unhealthy tone.

 

Even worse, she never told me how my "problems" were actually a problem for her. Instead, she always preached understanding and patience. Always. She never once complained, until the very, very end. That's the betrayal. You need to tell your partner what's going on, not hide negative emotions.

 

I think it all came unraveled when being in a very romantic situation triggered some of her other fears. The whole thing was too much, and part of what you're saying came rushing back to her. Even though I was trying to change, it left a bitter taste in her mouth. So I agree there. The thing is though, it takes two. She's never owned up to what she did to screw this up ... and she did just as much as I did.

 

But yeah, I'm not calling. In fact, I haven't called. It's been her calling me on those "regularly scheduled" contact points.

 

Yes, I am working very hard on myself. I'm in better physical shape than ever. My main goal now is the sleep. But I'm also putting other things into my life like volunteering, yoga, and attending MA meetings. Sadly, I was on Wellbutrin for the duration of our relationship and I think it was a MISTAKE. Two side effects hit me pretty hard: obsessive behavior and sleep problems.

 

I guess at the end of the day, I wasn't ME throughout much of the relationship. She knows that ... yet I think she's also doubtful if I can change. Somehow in all that mess, her emotions shut down. It's a shame because the ME that I really am would have complimented the SHE she really is. Who knows if it'll be too late and she'll find someone else. I don't think she's dealing with her underlying issues very well though. But who knows. I can't do anything about it.

 

I will keep up the NC and work on myself. It occured to me this morning that either a) we'll come back to each other one day or b) I'll find someone even better ... because as I become more of a full person I will be able to find people that compliment me EVEN BETTER.

 

That last paragraph is true, but man it comes and goes sometimes.

 

Whatever underlying issues your ex has, I think she's trying really hard to keep it bottled up. That in itself is a serious denial on her part, and therefore may have played a significant role in your relationship. People in denial usually seek out perfection in their lives, and if they feel like it's not working out, they completely erase whatever is not perfect. Maybe the two of you contributed personal faults into the relationship, but seeing as the two of you are already unstable in alot of things, it seems that the outcome shouldn't have a surprise.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you are in such pain. From my experience when a person says "they just don't feel it anymore", it's over. She may have loved you but was not "in love" with you. As xpaperxcutx said, the only thing you can do now is work on yourself and getting over her. It is not good to try to be friends with her when you still want her as a lover. You need to move on and get over her and then maybe one day the two of you can be friends. Be thankful that she came out and told you how she felt instead of avoiding you or cheating behind your back.

[LateBloomer]

Well, thanks again. I am trying to work on myself and I know it will take time. I'm not trying to be "friends." Although I have some hope that may happen ... then again not. She never really apologized for how the sudden turnaround hurt me so terribly. She also never really acknowledged her own role in this mess.

 

The thing that really hurts though was how seemingly sudden it was. I guess on the surface she was trying to convince herself that it was working. It felt, however, like it really was. Perhaps it was ... but the doubts and negative feelings, fear perhaps, took over in the end. It felt like we were cruising down the road, then she kicked me out of the car, spun around 180 degrees and left me bleeding by the side of the road.

 

It's also really strange how much she kept saying how important it is that we end up as friend. She wants us to be friends someday. Well, if we're such different people (as she also says) why the hell would being friends someday matter at all? Also, why has she "thought about this every day for the last month" if she's so convinced. I've broken up with people, and there really wasn't anything to think about. I told them I was sorry and that I would be there for them in any way they needed. That's not what's happening here. She states she's trying to let the remnants of the love die. It's so painful sometimes. I feel like she started running away and I JUST MISSED catching her. The regret over that is tremendous. It feels like we just missed something truly magical.

 

I'm actually not that unstable. This event has reached deep into my heart and forced me to realize childhood pain that I've never looked at. So it's shaken me to the very core.

 

Plus, I see that we had REAL potential together. It's a tragedy and a shame that it didn't work out. I try to think, well I'll just continue to work on myself and see what happens. But keeping even tiny shreds of hope is hard. I know it shouldn't even be that way. You can never predict the future, hope or not. My actions, however, need to be the same regardless ... a slow and steady "filling" of my life with things that are ME, the real me that I was many years ago and want to be again. Actually, it's the ME that I've always wanted to become but never made such a focus. Sadly, it took this for me to realize.

 

I also know that I'm engaging in something called "euphoric recollection." Where I only look back at the good times, and forget things that actually bothered me about her. Similarly, I did become empty at some point and allowed HER to fill me emotionally. So losing her is extra hard.

 

But again, there was REAL potential. She saw it, or at least I think she did. I know there's nothing I can do in real terms to change her mind other than really become the person I want to be. Hopefully she won't have met someone else by the time we meet again and she can meet the new me. But if she has ... there's nothing I can do. It's a tragedy though, because I really sense she saw that potential too. Then, something inside her just got short circuited. It doesn't seem like a coincidence that this happened after romantic trips to Europe and California, which was very much like a "pre honeymoon" almost pseudo engagement type celebration. Her family loved me and vice versa.

 

The "there's lots of fish in the sea" thing doesn't seem to help either. I know, it will take time. But man, sometimes, it's impossibly hard. I've never felt such a strong deep connection with a woman and I've had many long term relationships in my life. For the first time, I felt we could go the distance because of our seemingly excellent ability to communicate. She agreed with this too ... she used to say "Yay us."

 

So I'm still trying to understand the shutdown, deal with shreds of hope that she'll really think and feel about all this someday ... and not with the huge negative lens she has ... and also just work on becoming the me I've always wanted to be ... somehow regardless of her. But it's hard. Sometimes, it feels impossible because I feel like I've lost the woman of my dreams ...

 

I guess in the end what I'm REALLY struggling with is how to put the bits and pieces away, so they make sense, and so that my mind can stop trying to figure it all out ... and often suffer this huge pangs of regret over my role and the real, real, loss of a lover and best friend.