Eating Cake and NOT Having It, Too

[2sunny]

the term "we lead separate lives" really doesn't mean anything except they are probably both busy people but doing mostly separate tasks.

 

it's an excuse in his mind to rationalize another person to fill a void he's looking to fill.

 

it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to leave the wife... it may mean he just wants some other things to be interested in besides what's going on inside the marriage/home/family...

 

it also doesn't discount that he may love the wife, love the OW etc.

[jj33]

 

JJ33, this is so like me:lmao: For the past 3years he gave me the impression that he led a separate live from his wife whilst still remaining under the same roof. I really do not want to debate over this issue but like you, this too had been confirmed by others.

 

Till today, I still do not understand. Apparently through the years, MM have had discussions with W about leading separate lives and she agreed, the last discussion was last year. Do you think with MM's W has only listen to what she had wanted to hear? I don't want to sound harsh, nor do I want to sound careless here.

 

When MM was faced with a situation whereby, I had already walked away from the A, he had another "discussion" with W. Apparently, he did this because he thought that she wasn't being serious all these years and he had wanted to spend the rest of his live with me and no more sneaking around.

 

Should I finally grab this chance of being with him? Like JJ33, after so much aggravation, so much uncertainties, this latest episode has made me question the past 3years, how much if any was it true. Why only when faced with such a drastic situation, when it finally hit home that I had walked away, that he decided to confront his W? So, how much was this "we lead separate lives" was true?

 

I am Asian and being Oriental we have strange preceptions on M & A. Generally Asian women are reared in a household where a display of affection between adults is taboo. She is conditioned to have sex with her husband whether she wants or not, and then two contradictory elements come into play. There is the long-suffering type who will pardon her husband for all his sins, even sexual exploits outside his home, and there is the other type who accepts all his vices like gambling and drinking but will never allows him to womanise. Perhaps, the first womans attitude is more realistic because she knows that her husband really loves her in his own way, satisfies her material needs and seeks sex outside because he genuinely believes that he is sparing her from his demands in bed. Such women, generally older, cope by turning a blind eye to the other woman, knowing that it will blow away. They hold their heads up high and smile believing that men are easily aroused and that the other woman doesnt stop their men from being good husbands and fathers. They would never dream of a divorce or of confronting the other woman.

 

Oh Camay I dont know. How do you feel about it? Do you feel ok about him and the relationship? If you walked away can you put aside whatever negative feelings you may have had? If so and if his arrangement with W gives you enough that you honestly feel in your heart it will be enough, tho not everything, and your emotional needs will be met and you wont secretly be hoping that one day he will leave for good, then I would go for it.

 

I used to think that a certain amount would be enough. That I didnt need to tear apart a 40 year relationship and everything that goes with it if I could have enough to be happy. Now I think less than a whole relationship would never have made me happy. I was suppressing my own needs. Its something that only you can answer for yourself but dig deeply. Its hard to walk away but its harder to go back only to have to break away again. And repeat this whole painful cycle. Maybe you are more carefree than I am and can look at it and say time together is good even if its not forever lets live for today. If so that is good.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[troubadour]

Wildsoul.... STILL pissing in the wind...?

[wildsoul]

Wildsoul.... STILL pissing in the wind...?

Apparently. And would you mind stepping aside? You're pissing downwind towards me and I'd appreciate if you zipped it. I'm in no mood for snarky comments.

[CAMAYPARK]

Oh Camay I dont know. How do you feel about it? Do you feel ok about him and the relationship? If you walked away can you put aside whatever negative feelings you may have had? If so and if his arrangement with W gives you enough that you honestly feel in your heart it will be enough, tho not everything, and your emotional needs will be met and you wont secretly be hoping that one day he will leave for good, then I would go for it.

 

I used to think that a certain amount would be enough. That I didnt need to tear apart a 40 year relationship and everything that goes with it if I could have enough to be happy. Now I think less than a whole relationship would never have made me happy. I was suppressing my own needs. Its something that only you can answer for yourself but dig deeply. Its hard to walk away but its harder to go back only to have to break away again. And repeat this whole painful cycle. Maybe you are more carefree than I am and can look at it and say time together is good even if its not forever lets live for today. If so that is good.

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

JJ33, I don't know. I used to think, I wanted less and needed less. But now, I have a whole lot of unanswered questions. Has the past 3years been a lie? Or does the W only wants to listen and hear what she wants to hear? Does he has his own hidden agenda? Why now? And why after all the latest discussions and confrontations, apparently a lot of tears, shouting and screaming, one minute, they are divorcing, the next they are not, one minute he is moving out, the next he isn't, one minute she asked if they can reconcile, the next he said they cannot. She called his brother and apparently his brother told her that he had wanted to leave her more than 20years ago. Then she admits to him that she cannot survive with him being there. She is totally dependent upon him, I don't mean financially.

 

Then out of the blue one day 3weeks ago, I asked him, how's the W, how's the kids? You know, usually normal chit chat. He blew it and told me never to ask/mention his family. So, I haven't and to be perfectly honest that made me suspicious. Its another game with another set of rules. I feel these days there's nothing left to talk about. What is there? I am constantly on my guard.

 

Is there a way back? Or is it a case of too many lies?

[jj33]

Camay I think only you know if there is a way back and I think if there was an easy happy way back you woudlnt be asking. My sense is that you are in a painful but not unusual place. You wish there was a way to snap your fingers and make it all OK, to somehow morph it into something you could live with and feel good about.

 

But its not making you happy. You are longing for the day when it will but it isnt.

 

This may be a good time to reflect and think long and hard about whether this is what you want for yourself. You are not the older Asian woman with a decades of history with this man holding your head high while you suppress the grief and humiliation. You are the mistress who doesnt feel she is getting what she wants. You have the freedom to walk if you are not happy. You dont have to suppress your needs out of duty and loyalty to this man.

 

Easy enough for me to say I am not in your shoes. But there comes a point when just "breathing the air they breathe" is no longer enough. And if you search long and hard, disappointing and sad as that is, you may find that you have reached that point. Where you cant bargain with yourself anymore, just a little while longer and then maybe things will change.

 

If hes no longer willing to tell you what the status of his deal is with his W, then it does sound like the rules have changed. And not in the way you wanted them to. But its a decision only you can make. If you were my sister I would tell you to walk immediately do not pass go do not collect $200. And even then noone can tell someone else when to pick up their toys and go home - its something you do when you are ready.

[astra77]

 

If hes no longer willing to tell you what the status of his deal is with his W, then it does sound like the rules have changed. And not in the way you wanted them to. But its a decision only you can make. If you were my sister I would tell you to walk immediately do not pass go do not collect $200. And even then noone can tell someone else when to pick up their toys and go home - its something you do when you are ready.

 

Bingo !! This is sooo tru, so very true