Jilly Bean Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 But JB.. you are in your 30's... times are different today then when you grew up.. can't you see that ? Gas is 4 bucks a gallon and to heat a home in the winter can cost 400 bucks a month.. No, I see its all relative, Art. People earn a lot more than they did 15 years ago. And I don't know many 18 or 22 year olds who could afford their own apartment even back then. Everyone had roommates, but that was all part of the transition to total independence and adulthood. And Love - yes, I went to college. But I had apartments when I left for school. My friends who also went to school, a few would go home in the summers and WORK while living at home, but no one stayed after 22 when they graduated. I don't consider hanging at your folks house during college breaks the same thing as living at home. You're basically on your way to full-on independence at that point! And I know what you mean about the Dad thing - I'm a huge Daddy's girl, and he gets a little sullen at times if I tell him I, or a bf, took care of the chore around the house.
hotgurl Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 while I wouldn't want to live at home forever for many reasons mentioned here. If it works for the op and her parents so be it. But I think people of coming down on her hard because she seems to have a superior attitude. She can buy a car in cash ans a house and has all this money saved. Well I could save a ton of money too if I lived with my parents whoop to do. It is not much of an accomplishment to brag about. esp since her rents are now giving her 20 grand a year. As a side note I wonder why of all the kids she is the only one still living at home. Is she the baby perhaps and the parents are having a hard time letting go?
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 No, I see its all relative, Art. People earn a lot more than they did 15 years ago. And I don't know many 18 or 22 year olds who could afford their own apartment even back then. Everyone had roommates, but that was all part of the transition to total independence and adulthood. And Love - yes, I went to college. But I had apartments when I left for school. My friends who also went to school, a few would go home in the summers and WORK while living at home, but no one stayed after 22 when they graduated. I don't consider hanging at your folks house during college breaks the same thing as living at home. You're basically on your way to full-on independence at that point! And I know what you mean about the Dad thing - I'm a huge Daddy's girl, and he gets a little sullen at times if I tell him I, or a bf, took care of the chore around the house. Did you go to college in Manhattan or CT...as you said you lived there for a few years? I don't doubt people can afford to move out @ 22 or 18, and do, but my point is that when it is time to buy a house, the people who were home longer generally have an easier time doing it b/c they have more money saved. Case in point, how many people do you know from NY/NJ/CT etc. who are in their mid-late 20's living by themselves and own a house? (I only know one and that's me!)
Art_Critic Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 No, I see its all relative, Art. People earn a lot more than they did 15 years ago. Many 18 year olds work minimum wage jobs Minimum wage when I was 18 was $3.35 an hour. Today it is $6.55.. http://www.dol.gov/ESA/minwage/chart.htm That extra $3.20 per hour means an extra $100 bucks or so a week than it meant almost 30 years ago... The cost of renting plus heat/light and living has gone up more than $100 bucks a week.. So it isn't relative.. it plain out costs more today for an 18 year to live on their own.. even if you figure in the yesterday-today's dollars. That is why more young kids stay at home longer...
Stockalone Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Yes I really DID learn alot by having my own place, I learned a thing called responsibilty. Does that mean you were completely irresponsible before you moved out? I highly doubt that. I am sure you had responsibilities at home too. I had to wash the cars, mow the lawn, paint the fence, help with the gardening, etc. I had to take care of the family pet when it was my turn. We kids were taught how to use a broom and where to find the vacuum cleaner. We also learned how to cook. And when we get older, we have responsibilities that are the same for all of us, regardless if we live at home or on our own. Pay taxes, car insurance, pay for gas, cell phone bill, etc. I honestly don't see how a few more bills increase the level of responsibility. To be 35 and always lived with your parents does not give you responsibility and experience of life problems and how to cope. That is how I see it anyway. I agree that there are differences, but you make it seem like people who live with their parents aren't even involved in everyday life or live in a world of their own and thus are exempt from the problems that come with living in the real world. Maybe some of them are very sheltered and spoiled but I don't think that is the case with the majority. I could be a cultural difference as Nevermind already mentioned. Many friends and people I went to school with moved back in with their parents after college for a while to save money. That's what I did. My sister is living with my parents in her early/mid twenties. I know both men and women who stayed with their parents until they married. But all of them chipped in financially to bolster the household income. Of course, I also know people who never looked back after going off to college and said they could never do that (move back home) because their independence was far too valuable to them. As a side note I would also run a mile from a 35 year old man who had lived with his parents all his life Dating a woman who still lives with their parents wouldn't bother me per se. If she chose to stay with their parents for a reason and isn't a spoiled brat, I wouldn't be worried.
carhill Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I think family closeness is an amazing thing...I wish i was close to my father. I find myself relying more & more on my boyfriend and less on my father and yet my father yearns so much for me to need him. I see the sadness in his eyes & hear it in his voice everytime i tell him "no it's ok dad, my boyfriend did it." I agree, but I was trying to be gender-specific. If your BF talked to his mom frequently and spent a lot of time at his parents house (while living independently) and solicited or accepted his mother's advice on matters of house and hearth, how would that impact you. Assume that you were included as much as you wished to be in that dynamic. I'm interested in hearing from the younger generations. I already know what my generation thought of such dynamics
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Many 18 year olds work minimum wage jobs Minimum wage when I was 18 was $3.35 an hour. Today it is $6.55.. http://www.dol.gov/ESA/minwage/chart.htm That extra $3.20 per hour means an extra $100 bucks or so a week than it meant almost 30 years ago... The cost of renting plus heat/light and living has gone up more than $100 bucks a week.. So it isn't relative.. it plain out costs more today for an 18 year to live on their own.. even if you figure in the yesterday-today's dollars. That is why more young kids stay at home longer... You hit the nail on the head, Art. And in places like Long Island, real estate prices have almost quadrupled. 30 years ago my parents bought their house for $60,000. Today the house is worth almost $450k.
Jilly Bean Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Did you go to college in Manhattan or CT...as you said you lived there for a few years? I don't doubt people can afford to move out @ 22 or 18, and do, but my point is that when it is time to buy a house, the people who were home longer generally have an easier time doing it b/c they have more money saved. Case in point, how many people do you know from NY/NJ/CT etc. who are in their mid-late 20's living by themselves and own a house? (I only know one and that's me!) Neither. I went to school in MASS and also in England. I just grew up in CT, NYC, and Boston. All of my relatives in NJ and NY owned homes in their 20s WITHOUT doing it from living off their parents first. Of course someone who lives at home forever can afford more luxury items, Art. But at what cost to their own personal development and independence? My point is that if you work for your things and maintain your own independence while doing so, they will mean a HELL of a lot more than knowing you got there by sponging off others. I'm sure many of us *could* have lived home past the point we did, but chose to become adults and not adult children living at home having Mom do our laundry and cook our meals.
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I agree, but I was trying to be gender-specific. If your BF talked to his mom frequently and spent a lot of time at his parents house (while living independently) and solicited or accepted his mother's advice on matters of house and hearth, how would that impact you. Assume that you were included as much as you wished to be in that dynamic. I'm interested in hearing from the younger generations. I already know what my generation thought of such dynamics But he does that now. He tells his mom a lot of stuff. He gets advice from her on things with me and how to deal with things in a relationship (hey she was a younger girl once!) and just life in general. Parents know a lot more than we think they do and at times they can be underutilized. My biggest regret in life is not seeking out my parents for advice enough and thinking I had all the answers.
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Neither. I went to school in MASS and also in England. I just grew up in CT, NYC, and Boston. All of my relatives in NJ and NY owned homes in their 20s WITHOUT doing it from living off their parents first. Of course someone who lives at home forever can afford more luxury items, Art. But at what cost to their own personal development and independence? My point is that if you work for your things and maintain your own independence while doing so, they will mean a HELL of a lot more than knowing you got there by sponging off others. I'm sure many of us *could* have lived home past the point we did, but chose to become adults and not adult children living at home having Mom do our laundry and cook our meals. ALL= as in how many, is that 3 or is that 19? ALL is a very vague number. Also, are we talking within the last 2-3 years are you talking 10 years ago? Furthermore, when you say 20's...do you mean 24 or 29? There is a very big difference in all of that. I would think it would be alot easier for someone who is 29 to own a house than someone who is 23. I am not saying it's not possible, it's just very difficult...b/c all the money someone is throwing away @ 22 or 23, they could be saving while living at home. And I should have clarified, when I said NY I meant Westchester and below. Houses in upstate NY are very affordable so that doesn't really prove anything.
Jilly Bean Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Many 18 year olds work minimum wage jobs Minimum wage when I was 18 was $3.35 an hour. Today it is $6.55.. http://www.dol.gov/ESA/minwage/chart.htm That extra $3.20 per hour means an extra $100 bucks or so a week than it meant almost 30 years ago... The cost of renting plus heat/light and living has gone up more than $100 bucks a week.. So it isn't relative.. it plain out costs more today for an 18 year to live on their own.. even if you figure in the yesterday-today's dollars. That is why more young kids stay at home longer... LOL. I still really disagree. If young people want to move out, they will (and do!). If they want to stay home, then they will. It's a matter of personal choice and I don't agree it is so dependent on wage. That's an excuse to not leave the nest.
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 LOL. I still really disagree. If young people want to move out, they will (and do!). If they want to stay home, then they will. It's a matter of personal choice and I don't agree it is so dependent on wage. That's an excuse to not leave the nest. but you can't move out if you don't have the money regardless of how much you may want to...
Jilly Bean Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 ALL= as in how many, is that 3 or is that 19? ALL is a very vague number. Also, are we talking within the last 2-3 years are you talking 10 years ago? Furthermore, when you say 20's...do you mean 24 or 29? There is a very big difference in all of that. I would think it would be alot easier for someone who is 29 to own a house than someone who is 23. I am not saying it's not possible, it's just very difficult...b/c all the money someone is throwing away @ 22 or 23, they could be saving while living at home. And I should have clarified, when I said NY I meant Westchester and below. Houses in upstate NY are very affordable so that doesn't really prove anything. Would you like to come to a family reunion? We are Italian, so the family down there is IMMENSE. And they ALL live on Long Island, in the city, and the pretty parts of Jersey (ie. not Newark - lol). Lovestruck - not everyone struggles as much as perhaps you did or your friends did. My family (overall, there are a few oddballs thrown in here and there for comic relief - lol) made good choices and reaped the benefits of that. Hard work, excellent educations, some have taken over successful family businesses, etc. Not everyone in the tri-state area suffers for a lifestyle ya know.
Jilly Bean Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 but you can't move out if you don't have the money regardless of how much you may want to... Well, if you're unmotivated and sponging off your folks while living in their house, I suppose not. But, if you want out, money won't be a deciding factor. If you want anything in your life badly enough, then where there is a will, there is a way.
carhill Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 But he does that now. He tells his mom a lot of stuff. He gets advice from her on things with me and how to deal with things in a relationship (hey she was a younger girl once!) and just life in general. Parents know a lot more than we think they do and at times they can be underutilized. My biggest regret in life is not seeking out my parents for advice enough and thinking I had all the answers. So, you find this dynamic with your BF and his family to be healthy and perhaps wish you had made different choices in that regard. Is that bridge now uncrossable? I think the confidence and awareness you show is a great thing. At this point in life, how does that external perception match up with your internal compass? I ask because you did mention a "regret". I think the behaviors and philosophies we present in life come from a very small but complex basis. Understanding that core of who we are can be (and IMO is) the impetus for growth and evolution. Perhaps, understanding itself is a different, yet equally valuable, form of "savings".
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Well, if you're unmotivated and sponging off your folks while living in their house, I suppose not. But, if you want out, money won't be a deciding factor. If you want anything in your life badly enough, then where there is a will, there is a way. yeah but no guarantee you wont end up on the street...yeah anyone could physically move out, but with no money, how are they supposed to pay for things? Money IS a deciding factor, it HAS to be.
climbergirl Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 No, I see its all relative, Art. People earn a lot more than they did 15 years ago. And I don't know many 18 or 22 year olds who could afford their own apartment even back then. Everyone had roommates, but that was all part of the transition to total independence and adulthood. And Love - yes, I went to college. But I had apartments when I left for school. My friends who also went to school, a few would go home in the summers and WORK while living at home, but no one stayed after 22 when they graduated. I don't consider hanging at your folks house during college breaks the same thing as living at home. You're basically on your way to full-on independence at that point! And I know what you mean about the Dad thing - I'm a huge Daddy's girl, and he gets a little sullen at times if I tell him I, or a bf, took care of the chore around the house. Great points, especially in bold type. Having roommates teaches adaptability and compromise-important qualities to possess for any future marriage. Living with your parents your whole life might only teach a sense of entitlement and to be set in your own ways.
Nevermind Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 As Trialbyfire pointed out, pages ago, it can be the fiscally responsible thing to stay at home. If you have the choice between barely scraping by on your own, or saving some money by staying with your parents...why shouldn't you? Granted that you don't abuse this. There is a huge difference between an adult who is doing his part of the chores, chips in for gas, groceries etc and somebody who pays for nothing and mooches off their parents. As long as they are happy, and it seems that OP's parents are, let them be happy.
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 So, you find this dynamic with your BF and his family to be healthy and perhaps wish you had made different choices in that regard. Is that bridge now uncrossable? I think the confidence and awareness you show is a great thing. At this point in life, how does that external perception match up with your internal compass? I ask because you did mention a "regret". I think the behaviors and philosophies we present in life come from a very small but complex basis. Understanding that core of who we are can be (and IMO is) the impetus for growth and evolution. Perhaps, understanding itself is a different, yet equally valuable, form of "savings". I think any kind of closeness is a healthy thing- whether it be a family member, a significant other, a best friend, a teacher, a boss...whomever. Having a good relationship and a factor of closeness is something special and it ahould be cherished...b/c at some point in your life when you are in a bind and you need someone, you can count on having those people there for you...(well one would hope anyway). Lack of closeness distances people and can ultimately lead to distructive behaviour depending on the severity. I think it is great my boyfriend has a good relationship with his family...considering he is living at home now anyway. Is that bridge uncrossable for me at this pt? Absolutely not. I think as we grow older we realise we actually need our parents more so than we did as kids. Teenagers/young people are punk...lol. They think they don't need anyone. The smart ones are the ones who say to themselves "ya know what? I don't know evrything and there are people out there that know more than me and I would be a fool if I didn't take advantage of that knowledge."
Art_Critic Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Great points, especially in bold type. Having roommates teaches adaptability and compromise-important qualities to possess for any future marriage. Living with your parents your whole life might only teach a sense of entitlement and to be set in your own ways. I didn't have any roommates when I moved out and I learned adaptability and compromise... Of course there were some women that I lived with in my 20's but that nothing to do with my learning adaptability or compromise..
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Great points, especially in bold type. Having roommates teaches adaptability and compromise-important qualities to possess for any future marriage. Living with your parents your whole life might only teach a sense of entitlement and to be set in your own ways. yes but parents can also be looked at as 'roommates' and you also sometimes have to compromise and be adaptable to them. What is the difference? My parents didn't let me do everything I wanted and I often had to compromise and sacrifice a lot of things with them...same as with a roommate who is not your parent.
lovestruck818 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I didn't have any roommates when I moved out and I learned adaptability and compromise... Of course there were some women that I lived with in my 20's but that nothing to do with my learning adaptability or compromise.. but see my post above...one can also learn that from their parents!
stillafool Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Well, if you're unmotivated and sponging off your folks while living in their house, I suppose not. But, if you want out, money won't be a deciding factor. If you want anything in your life badly enough, then where there is a will, there is a way. I agree. Who said a young person has to move out on their own. Get roomates, work more than one job until you get on your feet. That's what I did. Also no one says that just because you were born in NY/NJ/CT that you can't move to another state and live.
stillafool Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 yes but parents can also be looked at as 'roommates' and you also sometimes have to compromise and be adaptable to them. What is the difference? My parents didn't let me do everything I wanted and I often had to compromise and sacrifice a lot of things with them...same as with a roommate who is not your parent. Well, with roommates you can do what you want. Suppose you want a guy you just met to stay overnight or you stay out all night. Roommates won't care but parents will. Parents will always be your parents and will look at you as their child. Roommates won't.
Nevermind Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I agree. Who said a young person has to move out on their own. Get roomates, work more than one job until you get on your feet. That's what I did. Also no one says that just because you were born in NY/NJ/CT that you can't move to another state and live. Sure you can. But why make it the end all be all of one's life? If you're in college in NY, why move elsewhere just because you could afford living on your own? Why make it the all-deciding factor in your life? If everybody is alright with it - let them live together.
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