2sunny Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 angry is good... think how angry his wife must feel.... hmmm, why don't you forward those e-mails to his wife? speaking of that - her reaction to this whole scenario makes me think she's been in this position a few times before. in other words... you are not his first affair... the W has been there done this with his other women he's used along the way. she's willing to put up with it too. he knows this and just plays the same song and dance as long as you are a willing participant. cut him off!
SeaBrooke Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Dylan, Just my opinion here, but in healthy relationships people communicate. I am not saying he is in a healthy state of mind right now, obviously he is emotionally raw right now. But I don't see the harm in just clearly restating your boundaries to him and getting out some of your own hurt and anger in an email. You have had 9 mos together and a life planned which he defaulted on. I am not suggesting you have him back in yoru bed. But, perhaps in expressing some of your own feelings, and getting them out at the source directly .... you maybe just maybe, find some closure and peace a little sooner than later. Again, I am not saying accept things as they have been, but you can get your feelings out and reinforce your personal boundaries at the same time. Obviously this relationship has meant a great deal to you. Like peoples marriages do to them. IF you were his wife, everyone would be telling you both to "Communicate" "Communicate" because that is what heals. Even in divorce, there is "Communication" The stuffing of feelings, keeps many a therapist in a good living, and when you go to see them...they encourage you to talk...how ironic. If you should decide to communicate with him. Have your boundaries in place when you do. Be solid in your resolve. Remember to Wear the truth of your side of the situation like a sheild of armour. Put yourself first, and do what you have to do to heal. I imagine all of this is first and foremost in your mind, and your not going to have much peace without releasing some of these feelings anyway.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 And by the way I don't adhere to this idea that you wrecked a marriage either, since the only people that have the power to that are the two people IN the marriage. But if this is what you feel, who am I to tell you what you should or should not feel. Atleast she IS aware that she is hurting his wife, being the MM's partner in the affair. She isn't to blame for the marital problems, ofcourse..But, she IS responsible for taking time away from his wife and family. He is putting energy into her, therefore excluding his wife. This IS affecting his marriage, reguardless. It also is good that she can see what pain this will cause his wife. She's had a year or so with the MM, his wife has had 26+ years with him. If she is feeling pain by thinking of leaving or ending the A, imagine what pain his wife would feel after 26+ years of HER life invested in this man? The two just can't be compared.
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Will just add that until his wife found out the first time in Dec, I had only had two evening dates with him, since then it has always been office hours!!!
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Will just add that until his wife found out the first time in Dec, I had only had two evening dates with him, since then it has always been office hours!!! So in other words he's totally lying to his wife and begging her forgiveness. She has no clue you are still involved. I think it is time to tell her he never let go of you and the promises he has made you.
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 So in other words he's totally lying to his wife and begging her forgiveness. She has no clue you are still involved. I think it is time to tell her he never let go of you and the promises he has made you. Yes still lying to his wife, she has found out 3 times before now that he has got back in touch with me, I gave her my e-mail log-in details in March so she could see what he had been promising, she would have read that he was planning a future with me & my daughter. The last time I had contact from her was when she told me 'to save it for my punters'!! I would imagine that she would think I wam still in the picture because of the history but from her reactions & the fact that she has kept him tells me that maybe she has buried her head in the sand because she doesn't want & can't take knowing about me anymore.
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Hi there. Welcome to the club. There are nice people here, providing cookies and strong advice. Please have a seat. What you've been through sounds like hell. Heartbreaking to read, actually. I don't know how you managed to get through that July 1 incident. I think that would have killed me. It's good you are brave enough to get past the shame enough to reach out for support. There's a ton of info in these posts. I'm new here too, but what struck me most is how almost all the stories are the same. Sure, there's a couple variations on the theme. But you'll soon realize, if you haven't already, that these A (affair) dynamics run in consistant patterns. Starting to see that helps a lot. Because unique as your story might seem, it's not really. So us newbies can learn from the others who've already been down these roads. (((hugs))) The people on here are actually really helping me, some of it hurts to read, as they say 'the truth hurts'. I also read about peopl whos MM did leave, not that I should rely on that for myself, but I still can't help hoping, if he hadn't of left in July I think it would be easier.
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Yes still lying to his wife, she has found out 3 times before now that he has got back in touch with me, I gave her my e-mail log-in details in March so she could see what he had been promising, she would have read that he was planning a future with me & my daughter. The last time I had contact from her was when she told me 'to save it for my punters'!! I would imagine that she would think I wam still in the picture because of the history but from her reactions & the fact that she has kept him tells me that maybe she has buried her head in the sand because she doesn't want & can't take knowing about me anymore. Pffft "save it for your punters?" what a joke. I thought that is what you WERE doing when you were trying to open her eyes up to the crap shoot she is involved in but whatev.... God your MM W sounds JUST like my ex's W. BLINDERS on the entire way. Look Dylan I read what you just posted here it's obvious this woman is weaker than weak, she is going to keep forgiving him and no amount of wrong doings on his part is going to make her give up on him and in turn and because he knows he can get away with it he can keep doing what he is doing suffering little to no consecuence to his actions. It is SO obvious she wants to be with him at any cost she is willing to burry her head in the sand. EXACTLY what my exe's W did, to a T. Sorry but I don't think you have much to reflect in terms of the so called "pain" you are causing her by distracting her H. If she is willing to let him repeatedly lie to her then there is not much you can do to prevent her unhappiness. That pain is independant of your actions and it is exclusive to her acceptance and his lack of word towards her. Here is your chance to show him you are not cut from the same cloth, so to speak, a chance to show him with you things are a little different. I wouldn't let him back in I would stay firm with him and let him know you won't settle for his lies like his W is doing. NO man is worth all those lies, NO WAY. He will respect you far more.
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Yes still lying to his wife, she has found out 3 times before now that he has got back in touch with me, I gave her my e-mail log-in details in March so she could see what he had been promising, she would have read that he was planning a future with me & my daughter. The last time I had contact from her was when she told me 'to save it for my punters'!! I would imagine that she would think I wam still in the picture because of the history but from her reactions & the fact that she has kept him tells me that maybe she has buried her head in the sand because she doesn't want & can't take knowing about me anymore. If you only see him during working hours why do you believe she has her head in the sand?
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 oh and if she has found out 3 additional times he was in touch with you then it doesn't sound like her head is buried. Sounds like someone who wants to know she she can plan her own life and future on facts not lies. He's just being careful. Are you sure he left in july not that she threw him out after a discovery and he begged his way back in?
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Pffft "save it for your punters?" what a joke. I thought that is what you WERE doing when you were trying to open her eyes up to the crap shoot she is involved in but whatev.... God your MM W sounds JUST like my ex's W. BLINDERS on the entire way. Look Dylan I read what you just posted here it's obvious this woman is weaker than weak, she is going to keep forgiving him and no amount of wrong doings on his part is going to make her give up on him and in turn and because he knows he can get away with it he can keep doing what he is doing suffering little to no consecuence to his actions. It is SO obvious she wants to be with him at any cost she is willing to burry her head in the sand. EXACTLY what my exe's W did, to a T. Sorry but I don't think you have much to reflect in terms of the so called "pain" you are causing her by distracting her H. If she is willing to let him repeatedly lie to her then there is not much you can do to prevent her unhappiness. That pain is independant of your actions and it is exclusive to her acceptance and his lack of word towards her. Here is your chance to show him you are not cut from the same cloth, so to speak, a chance to show him with you things are a little different. I wouldn't let him back in I would stay firm with him and let him know you won't settle for his lies like his W is doing. NO man is worth all those lies, NO WAY. He will respect you far more. Well I ignored his e-mails all afternoon with the help of all your support so big thanks & hope I can keep it up tomorrow.
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 oh and if she has found out 3 additional times he was in touch with you then it doesn't sound like her head is buried. Sounds like someone who wants to know she she can plan her own life and future on facts not lies. He's just being careful. Are you sure he left in july not that she threw him out after a discovery and he begged his way back in? I believe she has her head in the sand because she has found out 3 times that he has got back in touch, I have told her that & the reason I know she didn't kick him out is because I talked with him for weeks when he was planning on leaving, when he came to me on the 1st July I heard his W say to him on the phone 'how could you let me come home & find an empty wardrobe after 26 years of M' I heard her say that she doesn't care what he has done just please come home.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 when he came to me on the 1st July I heard his W say to him on the phone 'how could you let me come home & find an empty wardrobe after 26 years of M' I heard her say that she doesn't care what he has done just please come home. And like it or not, she has every right to fight for husband, for her marriage. Why should his wife just give up without a fight, after 26+ years of a life together? HE obviously is having trouble ending it and walking away from 26+ years as well. Sorry but 1+ year(s) cannot be compared to 26+ years. This isn't meant to sound mean at all. You're having trouble walking away after such a short time, yet his wife is supposed to just hand over her husband? He is home now? If so, then YOU need to be the strong one and stop all contact. Allow him to refocus and fix his marriage.
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I believe she has her head in the sand because she has found out 3 times that he has got back in touch, I have told her that & the reason I know she didn't kick him out is because I talked with him for weeks when he was planning on leaving, when he came to me on the 1st July I heard his W say to him on the phone 'how could you let me come home & find an empty wardrobe after 26 years of M' I heard her say that she doesn't care what he has done just please come home. It's sounds like she must have had another discovery and he was afraid to face the consequences and ran away to you. Then he was back 3 hours later basically after she said after 26 years of marriage I don't care we can work this out no that is is reason for divorce. I'm sure she cares. You keep faulting her for keeping him but she has been married for 26 years. Isn't this what you have been doing all along as he goes back and forth after only 9 months? Just something to think about. Said nicely.
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 And like it or not, she has every right to fight for husband, for her marriage. Why should his wife just give up without a fight, after 26+ years of a life together? HE obviously is having trouble ending it and walking away from 26+ years as well. Sorry but 1+ year(s) cannot be compared to 26+ years. This isn't meant to sound mean at all. You're having trouble walking away after such a short time, yet his wife is supposed to just hand over her husband? He is home now? If so, then YOU need to be the strong one and stop all contact. Allow him to refocus and fix his marriage. wouldn't you love to get a piece of this man? What gives this man the right to screw up two women's hearts like this? 26 years and he is telling his wife he wants the marriage and telling her they have a future. What a sick bastard.
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 And like it or not, she has every right to fight for husband, for her marriage. Why should his wife just give up without a fight, after 26+ years of a life together? HE obviously is having trouble ending it and walking away from 26+ years as well. Sorry but 1+ year(s) cannot be compared to 26+ years. This isn't meant to sound mean at all. You're having trouble walking away after such a short time, yet his wife is supposed to just hand over her husband? He is home now? If so, then YOU need to be the strong one and stop all contact. Allow him to refocus and fix his marriage. I know the first time it happened that was exactly how I saw it, & I know it's my fault for being weak & allowing him to keep coming back. 1 year doesn't compare with her life, far from it, but it doesn't take it away from the fact that he has promised me a future, a future that I wanted with him & a future that I wanted for my daughter, he told me he would build her a pedestal & asked if she would take his name when he married me, I can't imagine the pain his W is going through all I know is the pain I feel.
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 It's sounds like she must have had another discovery and he was afraid to face the consequences and ran away to you. Then he was back 3 hours later basically after she said after 26 years of marriage I don't care we can work this out no that is is reason for divorce. I'm sure she cares. You keep faulting her for keeping him but she has been married for 26 years. Isn't this what you have been doing all along as he goes back and forth after only 9 months? Just something to think about. Said nicely. I know I'm no better, I keep letting him get away with it too
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I know the first time it happened that was exactly how I saw it, & I know it's my fault for being weak & allowing him to keep coming back. 1 year doesn't compare with her life, far from it, but it doesn't take it away from the fact that he has promised me a future, a future that I wanted with him & a future that I wanted for my daughter, he told me he would build her a pedestal & asked if she would take his name when he married me, I can't imagine the pain his W is going through all I know is the pain I feel. I know you must be in a lot of pain but he promised these things to you while living at home with his wife. He had no right to promise you a future without cleaning up his present first. It's truly scary he promised you all this while living with her. GET ANGRY.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 but it doesn't take it away from the fact that he has promised me a future, a future that I wanted with him & a future that I wanted for my daughter, he told me he would build her a pedestal & asked if she would take his name when he married me, I can't imagine the pain his W is going through all I know is the pain I feel. How could you believe a man who is telling you that WHILE he is still married? HE was inappropriate by making promises to you while still married. HE is lying and has been lying to his wife so did it occur to you that maybe he'd lie abit to you as well? I just hope you're able to let go and heal.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he does care and love you, but he loves himself more. He loves you when he's with you, and loves his wife when he's with her. Cake-eater. A selfish man who has two women meeting all his needs. If he really did want you and not his wife, he would tell her goodbye, feel bad and hurt, but still would leave because the sooner SHE can heal, move on..HE hasn't done that, he goes back home because what he shares with her IS his life, all that he knows. He'll give up everything, a house, friends,inlaws, cousins, aunts uncles, everything will change. He cannot picture his life without HOW he life is now. Do you see the other side of this? It isn't just about him loving you and wanting a new life - HE has to choose now! His fault, his choice! He put himself IN that situation that he now HAS to choose.
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 How could you believe a man who is telling you that WHILE he is still married? HE was inappropriate by making promises to you while still married. HE is lying and has been lying to his wife so did it occur to you that maybe he'd lie abit to you as well? I just hope you're able to let go and heal. I have never had an affair with a MM before & maybe a bit stupid when it comes to men, but all I can say is that I believed him & that I thought he wanted a life with me. I have hurt a lot of people, my family included & am not proud of myself not a lot else I can say other than when he promised he would never hurt me I trusted him.
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Well I ignored his e-mails all afternoon with the help of all your support so big thanks & hope I can keep it up tomorrow. GREAT Dylan, keep at it. Keep coming here to reach out when you feel tempted. And to quote a silly line by Rob Schneider in a movie and to lift the spirits a little "You can do eeeeeet"
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I know I'm no better, I keep letting him get away with it too The difference is, you are not married to him, you have no obligations to him. He does with his wife and she does with him. You two don't share kids, a house, money, all of that stuff. I'm not belitting what you two shared, to you it IS real, I get that...Just please don't think that he owes you the same way he owes his wife. That's all. And again, none of what I'm saying is meant to come off as mean, or bashing - I just want you to take a step back and see this from all angles.
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I believe she has her head in the sand because she has found out 3 times that he has got back in touch, I have told her that & the reason I know she didn't kick him out is because I talked with him for weeks when he was planning on leaving, when he came to me on the 1st July I heard his W say to him on the phone 'how could you let me come home & find an empty wardrobe after 26 years of M' I heard her say that she doesn't care what he has done just please come home. I don't presume to know what her motives are for sticking it out. But could it be(just a possibility mind you)that she loves him and is a Christian woman. IF that is possible, she will continue to forgive him. The Bible says you forgive over and over just as Jesus does us. I forgave Mr. Messy, I just didn't want to live my life with someone I couldn't trust and was willing to hurt. So don't assume her head is buried, maybe she is trusting God to restore her H and her M. Just a thought.
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 The difference is, you are not married to him, you have no obligations to him. He does with his wife and she does with him. You two don't share kids, a house, money, all of that stuff. I'm not belitting what you two shared, to you it IS real, I get that...Just please don't think that he owes you the same way he owes his wife. That's all. And again, none of what I'm saying is meant to come off as mean, or bashing - I just want you to take a step back and see this from all angles. Well he should have thought about that before he made her all those promises and lied to her and made her think there was a future when there wasn't. He owes Dylan he owes her what a single man would owe her if he were making those very same promises to her. This is no different. What he has with his W is for him to figure out but what he needs to be held accountable for is the lies and misleading he did to Dylan. You would not let a single guy off and say "oh well he changed his mind so what if he lies and made promises" so why let this guy off with "oh he is in no state to make these promises" Boo-hoo! HE DID do those things and he needs to face up to that. Why is it that the OP is always advised here basically "bow your head and walk away in shame and that's that and don't expect anything because he is taken" TOUGH if he is already taken he was big enough to sleep with another woman to make love to her to plan a friggin future with her he needs to be big enough to face up to the consecuences of his actions then! NO the OP should not bow their head and just accept it. I don't agree with that! NO WAY
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