porter218 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 you're right, you're right. All I meant was that - from my personal point of view, which is not the OPs - if I somehow found myself in this situation and made the highly unlikely decision to work on the marriage instead of packing my bags, one of the non-negotiale conditions would have been getting rid of the.. you know. Would you really? I mean knowing that there is a 50% chance that you are demanding your own child be aborted?? You can't get a DNA test until you are past the legal and moral cutoff for abortion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makinitmine Posted August 15, 2008 Author Share Posted August 15, 2008 UPDATE: Ok so my wife started to have blood show up and then she went to the doctors and found out she had an ovarian cyst, but it wasn't anything to worry about, but she'd have to come in for another appointment after 3 days bed rest...so on the third day she went to the doctors and found out she had a miscarriage.... right so I thought that maybe after this whole ordeal that we just went through would bring us closer and stuff or w/e.....so the night she found out she had a miscarriage she went out drinking again.....and now she continues to go out and drink and continues to hang out with this dude that she had sex with....I ask her to not hang out with him or talk to him just because of what happened.....she says she can't because it's the only thing that is keeping her sane and if I can't deal with that then we might as well get divorced all i can say is that the door is about to slam shut on her ass Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 UPDATE: Ok so my wife started to have blood show up and then she went to the doctors and found out she had an ovarian cyst, but it wasn't anything to worry about, but she'd have to come in for another appointment after 3 days bed rest...so on the third day she went to the doctors and found out she had a miscarriage.... right so I thought that maybe after this whole ordeal that we just went through would bring us closer and stuff or w/e.....so the night she found out she had a miscarriage she went out drinking again.....and now she continues to go out and drink and continues to hang out with this dude that she had sex with....I ask her to not hang out with him or talk to him just because of what happened.....she says she can't because it's the only thing that is keeping her sane and if I can't deal with that then we might as well get divorced all i can say is that the door is about to slam shut on her ass You do know that her saying that she only had unprotected sex with him one time was a big fat lie, don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 and now she continues to go out and drink and continues to hang out with this dude that she had sex with I think you know what you have to do now..This woman has absolutely NO respect for you, your marriage or herself. She's very messed up and the best thing you can do is get away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 UPDATE: Ok so my wife started to have blood show up and then she went to the doctors and found out she had an ovarian cyst, but it wasn't anything to worry about, but she'd have to come in for another appointment after 3 days bed rest...so on the third day she went to the doctors and found out she had a miscarriage.... right so I thought that maybe after this whole ordeal that we just went through would bring us closer and stuff or w/e.....so the night she found out she had a miscarriage she went out drinking again.....and now she continues to go out and drink and continues to hang out with this dude that she had sex with....I ask her to not hang out with him or talk to him just because of what happened.....she says she can't because it's the only thing that is keeping her sane and if I can't deal with that then we might as well get divorced all i can say is that the door is about to slam shut on her ass About to shut??? The minute those ridiculous words came out of her mouth, that door would've slammed completely shut. She is completely out of her mind and has no respect for you or your marriage. She has a lot of nerve expecting you to stand by her during this pregnancy and as soon as it's over, she betrays you. Unbelievable!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
fubarred Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 What a bitch. I'm sorry you are going through this. The biggest victim here is that poor little girl. Her mother was lucky enough to find a good man who was willing to raise her illegitimate daughter as his own, and work his ass off in the process, and then she goes and throws it all away... If you think of that little girl as your own, then fight for her. She doesn't deserve to live with that witch who gave birth to her. You might get partial custody and then you could at least provide some stability in her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soda Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 right so I thought that maybe after this whole ordeal that we just went through would bring us closer and stuff or w/e.....so the night she found out she had a miscarriage she went out drinking again.....and now she continues to go out and drink and continues to hang out with this dude that she had sex with....I ask her to not hang out with him or talk to him just because of what happened.....she says she can't because it's the only thing that is keeping her sane and if I can't deal with that then we might as well get divorced You should divorce her. You do not deserve to be disrespected like this. Your wife sounds like a horribly selfish person who seems not to care about you or the marriage. There are too many good, available women out there to waste any more of your energy on this trainwreck. She'll get hers. You need to concentrate on recovering you. Link to post Share on other sites
bobdole Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 UPDATE: Ok so my wife started to have blood show up and then she went to the doctors and found out she had an ovarian cyst, but it wasn't anything to worry about, but she'd have to come in for another appointment after 3 days bed rest...so on the third day she went to the doctors and found out she had a miscarriage.... I wouldn't put it past her getting an abortion to try to keep you "happy" that it isn't your child so you'd stay and support her. About the whole situation, this woman disgusts me. Link to post Share on other sites
InaPanic Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Wow, this is really a sad situation. You didn't say but is she distraught at all that she miscarried? Did she go back out drinking due to pain & sadness at this or simply because oh the pregancy is over so i can resume my past lifestyle? Also, who watches her little girl when she goes out, you? I don't know why but I'm presuming you are pretty young. Get out of this now & start recovering & you will find someone else but I just can't imagine she's going to get better if she's still hanging out with this guy & being obvious about it. There are levels of disrespect & this one is way up there at the top me thinks. sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makinitmine Posted August 16, 2008 Author Share Posted August 16, 2008 Wow, this is really a sad situation. You didn't say but is she distraught at all that she miscarried? Did she go back out drinking due to pain & sadness at this or simply because oh the pregancy is over so i can resume my past lifestyle? Also, who watches her little girl when she goes out, you? I don't know why but I'm presuming you are pretty young. Get out of this now & start recovering & you will find someone else but I just can't imagine she's going to get better if she's still hanging out with this guy & being obvious about it. There are levels of disrespect & this one is way up there at the top me thinks. sorry. she went out drinking again because she was sad over the miscarriage but she is still continuing to do so because of the lifestyle....and when she goes out nobody really watches the girl because she is sleeping downstairs but yeah I have to stay home because of that.....and yeah you guessed it right we are pretty young, I'll turn 22 in November and she just turned 21 at the end of july......and now she's gettin into weed as well and bought some and brought it home last night and bought a bong & stuff....and after we're done I can't imagine what kind of environment she'll give our daughter as she isn't even planning on working this fall as she's going to school, to go along with all this permiscuous behavior/drinking/drugs...oh yeah she's starting to sell pain medicine as well Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 UPDATE: Ok so my wife started to have blood show up and then she went to the doctors and found out she had an ovarian cyst, but it wasn't anything to worry about, but she'd have to come in for another appointment after 3 days bed rest...so on the third day she went to the doctors and found out she had a miscarriage.... right so I thought that maybe after this whole ordeal that we just went through would bring us closer and stuff or w/e.....so the night she found out she had a miscarriage she went out drinking again.....and now she continues to go out and drink and continues to hang out with this dude that she had sex with....I ask her to not hang out with him or talk to him just because of what happened.....she says she can't because it's the only thing that is keeping her sane and if I can't deal with that then we might as well get divorced all i can say is that the door is about to slam shut on her ass It sounds like you're on the right track. But just in case it needs to be said again, I'm going to borrow a phrase from Dan Savage: DTMFA. It stands for "dump the motherf***** already". It totally sucks about the little girl, there's no denying that. But if you look into the future, what possible good do you see in a marriage to this toxic woman? Be careful, if she's that selfish, she'll probably try to soak you for child support and spousal support. Get yourself a good lawyer ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
syz Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 I agree with reservoirdog DTMFA. She is toxic and it isn't going to get better she is on a downward spiral and it is only going to get worse and she will take you with her. Putting love aside for a moment you are really young & still and have a huge life ahead of you. I do believe reconciliation can work, I know most betrayed spouses want to reconcile but I am at the point where I don't think most should unless they meet this criteria: Long Term Marriage, children Fairly Immediate Remorse from the betrayer complete with transparency, IC, the works. Because honestly there are no amends one can make for cheating. I cannot tell you how many people get cheated on early in their marriages, work at it reconcile etc and then 15 years down the line bam all over again. It isn't worth it. I understand how you feel about her daughter. I would continue to help out if you can etc but the guy who is the biological father ought to be paying child support. You are going to have a family one day of your own and you need to really think ahead. This woman is just a bad investment don't keep investing hoping that somehow it will turn into a good one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makinitmine Posted August 16, 2008 Author Share Posted August 16, 2008 haha yeah the biological father is like this druggy/wanna be gangbanger that's kinda bad news...runs with the wrong people and is always in trouble with the law..he also married some chick in a nearby town I heard & had another kid with her and then left her....but anyways yeah she actually deceived me a lot..when we were dating and stuff I wanted to know bout her past cause she had a daughter and stuff...anyways whatever she told me then I find out in this past 1-2 months that that wasn't the way it really was...she had led me to believe that she made a mistake one time having sex without a condom and that's when she got pregnant...turns out they had sex all the time...then when she was pregnant I now find out is when she had sex with this other guy (one she cheated on me with)..I guess I was too stupid and believed her stories...I mean I'm finding out a whole bunch of stuff these days I didn't know about before we were married....yea Link to post Share on other sites
syz Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 I'm sorry you've been lied to so much. Essentially you don't know who you are married to. And that must be very disturbing. Thank god you found out sooner rather than later, too bad it wasn't before you married but I would get out. I was with my ex for two years before she started cheating on me. I had known her casually for 5 years before that. She cheated on her ex 10 years before me and I stupidly thought she had learned her lesson... she said she had but she hadn't. She was a bad bet and as painful as it was living with her for another 4 months because I was afraid to let her go and in too much pain, it was the best thing to have her move out. She wasn't remorseful and she needed to go. Going no contact with her was the best thing I did in that situation. It was excruciating and easier said than done. I met someone else 1 year later and while I still have damage from being cheated on I'm not sorry I'm not with her anymore. She has too much bs to get through, to learn, to fix in herself to have made reconciling worth while. It can take up to 5 years to heal from this.. I hadn't even been with her that long it made no sense to try. I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with her anymore, not after that. She is in the process of reaping what she sowed and I'm glad I'm not around to pick up the pieces. I deserve so much more in my life and so do you. Your W's choices speak for themselves, sounds like you are one of the only decent choices she's made and she has totally squandered that. I'd go 180 on her, get a good lawyer and finish this like surgery. The longer you take the longer it will take to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Why are you with her again? Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 yeah she has brought up counseling already....I agreed to go but also suggested that she takes counseling for herslef as well..... and part of the reason that I am staying with her is the fact that there's a 50/50 shot at it being mine...and I told her that there will be need for a paternity test asap DON'T sign the birth certificate until the child has been proven to be yours! Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 Why are you with her again? You took the words out of my mouth.... Knock-knock? Anybody home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author makinitmine Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Ok so I'm an idiot yet again, and I'm done making mistakes....so after the last update I gave things started to look up..she stopped going out, she stopped talking to the guy, and she even started going to counseling....I thought things were going pretty good....until this morning that is. My wife went out two nights ago and told me she was going to her friend kayla's house....she kept saying she'd be home and an hour would go by and she'd still be there....that happened like 4 times...anyways to make a long story short I was on the computer this morning and the internet was still up but was on the logout screen of myspace....so since things are getting back to the weird feeling that was around when she cheated on me I decided to hit the back button a couple times.....and what do I see?....a message to this one guy who I thought was a friend of hers, a christian guy, and a guy that kinda helped me through this tough time when she cheated on me...and what were the messages about? About how my wife was at his place drinking and cuddlign with her instead of being at this kayla's house.....and something about how he liked that and wanted it again and how he liked her goodnight kiss......yeah that is it for reals now...I let things try and get better and I just end up getting screwed.......so now she's being thrown out, time to move on and time to find someone better!!!! Sad part is I bet I won't be able to get any kind of custody of the little girl becaus I'm not the biological father and I doubt 2.5 years is enough time to rule me as a de-facto parent..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 You could atleast try to get visitation and/or shared custody. Talk to your lawyer about it, find out what your options are. Sorry that you're going through this. Your wife never hit her rock bottom and suffered alot of consquences, enough to want to change...Though, now she IS going to suffer and understand that her selfish choices DO have consquences. No more free rides, she's on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I know you love the little girl, but you have to come to terms with the fact that she's not your child. You can try for visitation, but it will eventually go bad. At 2.5 years old, the best thing you can do is leave her be to forget you and try to teach her mother a hard lesson in life. If she's running around at less than a year into your marriage, she doesn't love you. She just wants a place to stay, so she'll trade sex for rent until something better comes along. You've got to get away from all this. Nothing good can come of you staying. Link to post Share on other sites
rod_in_gtown Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Child protective services would generally try to keep the child with family. so if she and the bio father are unfit to raise the baby because of their drug and alcohol problems then they might want to try to get the grandparents involved. I would say talk to a social worker and a family lawyer to see what your actual chanves are. However, Her alcohol and drug abuse problem does make her an unfit parent. and if the bio father is also a drug abuser, you actually might have a pretty good chance at getting custody if you can prove that you can provide a safe environment for the child. Link to post Share on other sites
rod_in_gtown Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 However, if it was me, knowing what I know, and having gone through what I've gone through. I would let the grandparents of the baby take care of her. You have your whole life ahead of you. Take advantage of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Ok so I'm an idiot yet again, and I'm done making mistakes....so after the last update I gave things started to look up..she stopped going out, she stopped talking to the guy, and she even started going to counseling....I thought things were going pretty good....until this morning that is. My wife went out two nights ago and told me she was going to her friend kayla's house....she kept saying she'd be home and an hour would go by and she'd still be there....that happened like 4 times...anyways to make a long story short I was on the computer this morning and the internet was still up but was on the logout screen of myspace....so since things are getting back to the weird feeling that was around when she cheated on me I decided to hit the back button a couple times.....and what do I see?....a message to this one guy who I thought was a friend of hers, a christian guy, and a guy that kinda helped me through this tough time when she cheated on me...and what were the messages about? About how my wife was at his place drinking and cuddlign with her instead of being at this kayla's house.....and something about how he liked that and wanted it again and how he liked her goodnight kiss......yeah that is it for reals now...I let things try and get better and I just end up getting screwed.......so now she's being thrown out, time to move on and time to find someone better!!!! Sad part is I bet I won't be able to get any kind of custody of the little girl becaus I'm not the biological father and I doubt 2.5 years is enough time to rule me as a de-facto parent..... Um, wake up? That means no child support for this child! You had better get a good Lawyer and Pronto MAN! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 OH! And STOP HAVING SEX WITH THIS WOMAN!!!!! JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE NOT CONNECTED TO THIS WHATEVER FOREVER! Just gotta get that big point out there! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Run, or better yet tie your tail to a rocket and light the fuse. You have been granted the oppertunity to extricate yourself from a gigantic mess... take it. Link to post Share on other sites
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