xyz_212 Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 History: I'm 23 my boyfriend is 26. We have been dating for 4 years with a summer broken up 2 years ago. I broke it off that summer because I wanted him to commit and stop keeping one foot out of the door. He wanted me back after 3 months and things were wonderful - better than ever for the past 2 years and last week he droppd a bomb on me. - he said he has been having doubts about us for the past 6 months and he needed to say something to me (which i love and respect that he did) - he need time (2 weeks - month) to think things through and decide if he wants to stay together or break up - he says he is in love with me, im his best friend and he loves hanging out with me but we're young and he doesnt know if he can make a commitment because the road we're on is leading to wedding bells one day - he also said that things have become routine and that we depend on each other too much and he doesnt like it. - he wants freedom - but he doesnt want to give me up one minute and then the next hes too confused and needs time basically i think hes scared of commitment and the idea of only being with me forever because we are so young. but we really do love each other deeply and enjoy our time together so much.. we have so many fun times. and a great relationship at that...until his doubts/fear cam along.. i have a feling his male traits are getting the best of him and he's considering the idea of wanting to be with other women... which hurts. but i cant control him or what he wants.. im giving him space but how long is enough.. i dont want him to be selfish and i want to keep my best interests as first priority - MALE ADVICE is appreciated.. whats up? is he dragging outa break up or is there hope..? thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 There's hope but he's not nearly ready to make a commitment to you. Some men like this don't make a definitive move until their lady has left them...then they come running. But even then they are scared and their heart is completely into it. You are the only person who can make the decision on how long to wait. Keep up good communication and see if you can get into his head and reduce any fears he may have. There are so many aspects of a committment he could be afraid of, from losing his freedom to taking on responsibility to fear of parenthood to being unsure of his financial ability to handle things. He could decide in a month or two he's ready...or he could be in his mid 30's or later before that happens. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 Some guys have the heart of a player and thats that, thats my view on it. Or perhaps he doesn't find that you are as supportive as you used to be and maybe you have to conquer some fears and work on that. What I am saying is: a guy will either want space because he wants to try somebody else's sugar or he doesn't feel you are truly for him. Think about that. Link to post Share on other sites
yagottahelp Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 Being a guy, I can understand- You say you are young- here is my view, you might get back together, he might decide he wants to be with you- but something brought about that feeling, and chances are if he does get back together with you, it may likely resurface until it's satisfied, whatever it may be. I would think you're still at the age of growing up a little, maybe even missing out on some of it by being together during college years. Sometimes it's best to let the other person get whatever it is out of their system, if then you are back together, you know it's meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyz_212 Posted August 8, 2003 Author Share Posted August 8, 2003 thanks for the advice - its been a long week and i still have some time to go. ! he has dated a lot of women before we started dated.. i feel like how much could he want to get out of system.. he tells me to my face that he never wants to lose me and that he can marry me because im perfect for him - but hes scared about being too young to make such a big commitment. i say - your going to be 27 in a few months and you need to grow up.. what a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
mattdad Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 From what I've read in your story, you are a lady with a clear head on your shoulders, and coupled with a fine sense of what your emotions are (how rare that is!), there stands a woman any man would be a fool to leave behind... In spite of all the good in a relationship, one thing is uncontrollable and unpredictible - what the other person feels. You acknowledge this to your credit. So I think you clearly see where this is heading and what you must do. Go out and take good care of yourself. If he wakes up, fine! If not... The berst of luck and keep up the good work. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 Well, I'm not a guy, but... im giving him space but how long is enough You really need to think through how long you are willing to sit around in limbo while he makes up his mind. I've seen these kinds of "I need space" breaks drag on for months and months. When you decide how much time you are willing to give him, tell him. But the trick is...you have to follow through. If you decide a month, at the end of a month if he still doesn't know, you have to be willing to walk away. This is hard...but it's better for you in the long run. (I've done this...and it hurt so much at the time, but I sure am glad I did it or I'd still be dealing with the same stress.) is he dragging outa break up or is there hope..? Consider this: You've been with him four years. He can't decide whether to stay together or break up. He may not be ready for commitment. He's tired of the routine and comfortableness. He wants freedom. These don't look like good signs to me. After four years of being with you, he should know fairly quickly whether or not you have a future together. In my view, his hedging means he is leaning toward "no." This likely has nothing to do with you or how good for him you might be. It's all about him. But it's hard to just break up with you--you two have a huge past together. And why would you want to be with a guy who "can't decide" whether or not he wants to stay with you? Ugh! Go find a guy who absolutely positively wants to be with you! I don't know--I'm not a huge fan of the "I need space." I think it's only a pit stop on the way to the inevitable break up in most cases. (Of course, there are exceptions.) Good luck to you... Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 "i say - your going to be 27 in a few months and you need to grow up.." When you say something like this you are putting yourself on a pedestal above him where he really can't get close to you, maybe that is the source of his frustration and why he is looking for the good stuff elsewhere. Our society and its tentacles (i.e. psychology, school) always teaches us to look for the worst in people and to look for the negative assuming that once we have rooted out the problem then the person will be cured. People really never get "cured" of anything, they may get tired or acting one way and decide to act another way or the may stay the same forever, but they never get cured. I think its stems from a "disease" in thinking that sees an emotional issue as a sickness. My point is that you may be trying to force somebody who likes to play around to be faithfull and that is a tough chore, and usually I may add a hopeless one. There are two options: accept him for who he is or bear the brunt of your own misery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyz_212 Posted August 10, 2003 Author Share Posted August 10, 2003 i dont say "you're 27 now grow up" TO him.. these are just things im thinking in my head... im trying to be patient but as days go by i just dont know what to do. hes having a hard time adjusting to "grown up" life these past few months he got a real full time office job 9-5 - his married friends are trying to get pregnant, he finding that he doesnt have as much time as he used to for just ;hanging out' and such.. this is all bumming him out. but i have faith that he will get out of the funk and realize that this is the way things go..i guess having me for 4 years now and having the level of relationship that we have - serious, in love, next step is probably engagment - that he feels pressured. i have assured him that i dont want marriage anytime soon but for some reason he cant stop talking about it. should i worry that maybe hes getting into some sort of depression? im so confused! Link to post Share on other sites
dmoore Posted August 11, 2003 Share Posted August 11, 2003 I am not defending him, because every situtation is different, but I am going through a very similar situation with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years. Maybe this can give you a bit of insight into what he is going through. My g/f & I are both 26. Even though she does not put the pressure of marriage on me via words, I can occasionally sense that she is gong to be ready sometime soon. I also think that there is definitely a sub-conscious societal pressure to either become engaged or married as you near the age of 30. This is probably a big part of why he is not sure about whether he wants to move forward w/ you. You may see this as being selfish or not mature enough, but he is VERY aware that his window of time until he turns 30 is becoming smaller & smaller. I am also asking my g/f for a little time - I think the first few days have certainly helped clear my head a bit and take a step back. She has given me a few days - not a month. I think that a little time is necessary to be able to focus in on your feelings ... but I do also know that as someone in another post mentioned - the hesitations and doubts are now out in the open. I am working hard to determine whether or not a renewed commitment is what I am ready for, but something tells me that even if I want to try and become more focused on us and our future, some of these doubts will come back again. I really do care for my girlfriend and want to do what's right -- for BOTH of us, which I am sure sounds strange since I may break up w/ her -- but I really do want her to be happy. I would say to give him a little time, focus on yourself and how you can prepare for either outcome, and try and be understanding of what he is going through. Just b/c he wants a space does not mean he is ready to definitely break up, although there are many signs that is leaning towards it. There is always a possibility that he will come back to you, but be careful in saying that you are ready for that and that he is clearly aware of the level of commitment and communication that you expect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyz_212 Posted August 12, 2003 Author Share Posted August 12, 2003 thank you for the honest words. for some reason its just makes me feel better and less frustrated. good luck with your relationship..' all though i may be confused i always believe - "what is meant to be, is meant to be" THANKS Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 It's always easier to accept that everything is in the hands of "Fate" or "Destiny" or "G-d" or what have you. But what about this thought: "If it is meant to be, it is up to me!" Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 I realized that the quote I posted may not have been helpful out of context: Okay...so I would daresay that as a general rule people are looking to be happy in life. Is that fair to assume in your situation with your boyfriend? You want to be happy? So my thought is...DO NOT rely on someone else to make you happy. Do things in your life that make you happy. Be a fulfilled person so that when you venture into a relationship, you can bring that into it. Find things that make you happy that do not require another person to necessarily be there, perhaps, and then be willing to share those experiences with another. In other words, "If it is meant to be," that being your happiness, "it is up to me" (obviously change me to YOU for this) and it is your responsibilty to make you happy. Does that help? Hope so! Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 I don't get it. Why do people wanna give up something so good to find or search for something they're not sure about. I need time to figure things out? Figure what out? figure out if you love me? 4 years is a long time. I don't see how someone could just leave 4 years behind. I know people change but come on... 4 years? there has to be something special there, this shouldn't blow it. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 Speaking for myself, as the one who is the leaver, my current relationship has lasted a bit over five years. However, mine was a really destructive one, and I am only now finding the courage to leave it behind. By destructive, I don't mean physical abuse or anything, but definitely what I feel has been mental abuse. That is something much more difficult to "prove" and of course is also something that could be pinned on me as "All in my head." More often than not, the key issue in longer term relationships that "goes wrong" is that people stop really talking. Sometimes people change, and think that they're the only one who has changed, when in reality both partners have been changing all along anyway. Sometimes people change in directions they never could have anticipated due to a life event, or even just something as simple as falling onto the street and finding a brand new penny shining at them. WHO KNOWS?! All I'm saying is that communication is key, and it is a two way street. Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 Yeah i see where you're coming from totally. Mental abuse is horrible, i won't argue there. That's not cool. But i'm talking about the relationships where everything is good. I always pushed for communication and always pushed for my ex-love having her space when she needed it. I wanted us to be individuals, but be a solid couple who love each other. I just am having a hard time wondering why people, Girls/Boys, walk away from perfectly good relationships in order to figure out what it is exactly that they want. I can understand if you are heartless and don't really need love, but I can understand why people can be so wishy washy as to what they want regarding love. Do i wanna be with her? I mean i love her. Should i stay with him? or should i see what's out there because i haven't ever really mingled and partied in my life . I'm still young and wanna get out and have a good time. ? ? ? That's all i'm saying. I have dreams, i have goals, but i can accomplish them and STILL love someone and be there for her and give her all of my heart no matter what. When i give my heart & Love, i give it fully, i just wish other people could be that way. There'd be a lot less heartache in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 It would indeed be great if everyone could do things the way that everyone else does them. Or wait...as long as it's good? Or is that just MY perception of what's good? Or wait...why should my good be better than anyone else's good?! My point is, although I do agree with you, bicyclejunk, perhaps there is more going on than anyone either realizes or can accept. Ideally, your relationship plan is fabulous! I wish you luck in finding Ms. Right. In terms of relevance to this thread, I just think that there is obviously more going on than meets the eye. Perhaps the relationship has only been good to an extent for one or both people, and they've chosen to "settle" for a time or whatever... Ack...being jaded and not nice. Maybe you're right. Maybe it really was good for both of them, and if that is the case there is absolutely no reason that they won't find a way to work it out! Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted August 15, 2003 Share Posted August 15, 2003 i personally found that when i was young (early 20's) i felt that i had eons before i had to think about settling down with one guy tiem seemed to go so slowly. i was a bit disalusioned thinking that the guy i was with could be reunited with "later" maybe years or months later ( if a better knight in shining armour never came my way). Until i got a full perspective on what was out there guywise many years later did i realize that what i had with the first guy was pretty special. i think that some gals more than others have this instinct (not overt materialism or gold diggers that is entirely something else. ) to find that male who will provide for the future offspring the best. it is all nature- also of us let this overrule our hearts and emotions. i saw this explained on TLC television in a documentary. i think that it is less complicated for the male species- physically and instictively. they inherently look for different traits in a potential mate. growing up for some can take into the thirties to get all of this strait. i often felt that if i could have had that first guy come back to me 12-13 years later it would have worked. alas i AM happily married and fortunate to have gotten all of this out of my system. hope this gives you insight on we females. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyz_212 Posted August 16, 2003 Author Share Posted August 16, 2003 dmoore: your words are almost the same as my boyfriends so i have let him go. we tried for a week to to be back together but i could tell he wasnt in it 100% and that he was still VERY confused. So this morning we broke up. And after our lonng goodbye he left. Im upset and it hasnt really hit me yet - but i love him so much and believe it or not as we made our decision./// your word were ringing in my head. I just dont understand what hes going through - and all though he may love me - he cant give me what i need right now - so its not fair to either of us - i guess what im trying to say is thank you - again. such a small post on a tiny message board has made a huge impact on me. best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
dmoore Posted August 19, 2003 Share Posted August 19, 2003 xyz: your welcome. believe it or not, but you helped me too. by posting on the board, i was able to get a better grip on my own feelings. i hope things work out for you. the very best, dmoore Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyz_212 Posted August 22, 2003 Author Share Posted August 22, 2003 we broke up this past sat - i was a lonng month or breaks and long talks and crying and finally we were both exhausted and it was over. we live in chicago and both ended up here together from elsewhere because of work and school. we've lived in 2 cities together through out our relationship (but never living TOGETHER) anyways - after 4 years im really heart broken and confused and i just decided to get the hell out of chicago - im moving to new york to get a fresh start and a fresh job. im nervous im may have been too drastic to move - i just feel like there is nothing here except for him and i need to move on.. i keep wantin to call him - i feel like this is all a mistake - but i will not all him - no way - ever - he initated all of this so let him call. im just feeling down and im wondering if just getting up and moving in 4 weeks is a good thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyz_212 Posted September 1, 2003 Author Share Posted September 1, 2003 ok please read this and give me your advice. i have another post from 2 weeks ago 'boyfriend wants a break' History: me - 23 him - 26 dated - 4 years he said he was having doubts he needed a break after 2 weeks of going back and forth we broke up - its been 2 weeks we had future plans, moving in together , we've spent time at each others family's houses - spoke of marriage and all sorts of future plans. He says we should be on our own for a while - this way we dont have any regrets or resentments. i have been wanting to move for a year now because i need to improve my career path and he needs to stay in the city we live in now. i have only dated him - he is my first serious relationship and the only guy i have slept with - this worries him. hes scared that ill resent him for holing me back and hes scared that he'll resent me because hes not ready for the "full dive in ..'im with you forever' commitment" - he says we're young.. i just dont understand how a year off will help him to grow up.. whats a year? i was sick of his indesciveness so i have decided to take a new job in a new city and im moving in 4 weeks. i called him a few days ago just to get some closure and because there were so many things left unsaid. -he wrote me a letter the next morning = the phone call calmed me and i understand where he is coming from... but this letter is crazy to me??!! what do you read out of this? _____________________________________________ dear .... ...I hope your feeling better today, that talk lastnight really helped me so I hope it helped you... I love you, theres no denying that...I know you might not realize this now, but I honestly think a year apart would be good for us, I know it sounds crazy but if we make the effort to keep in touch and visit when we can and if we truly love each other we will be fine.... I promise you, I swear on my life, that I will not lose touch with you while your in NY....your too much a part of me now to dismiss you like that....this year is going to go by so quick, I want you to go start your new job and do your thing and really shine, your such a career oriented person and your so good at what you do..... The bottom line is we need to take care of ourselves now, physically, emotionally, financialy, careerwise...all that, I've given this a lot of thought and I know in my heart that this will be best for both of us in the long run, we're young, I know I sound like a broken record but we are, Theres nothing wrong with being away for a while, we've done it before and we found each other again....... I promise you that nothing is going to keep me from staying in touch with you, nothing....I just want you to be ok and I know its hard, but I just hope that you understand...Life is short, we both are going to be doing alot of soul searching this year, we've become so dependent on each other...both of us need to just be us and it hurts me to leave you, it hurts me so bad to be away from you, but I know that in the long run this will save us alot of regrets and resentment towards each other.... you need a career you can be happy with and right now I need time to figure out were I want my life to be headed careerwise....the past few years you've become such an extra variable in my decisions about things and I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can go it alone for a little while, I owe you so much....Before I met you I was so untrusting of people and you showed me how good someone could be...in the past two years you've always been their for me... .I will not forget that, I'd like to make you a promise...If your willing to, we should get together for christmas this year in I'm going to be their to visit my parents ...I hope you'll come to see me, I'd love to walk around the city again with you.....I love you so much, don't think for a second that I'm unaware to how special our bond is, I promise no matter what happens I will always keep you close to my heart and I will make such an effort this year to keep in contact....if you ever needed anything I'll be there for you.....I would love to see you the day before you leave, please call me.... be strong, everythings going to fall into place for us I promise.... I love you always love .... _______________________ honest advice is appreciated - you guys & gals have been so helpful these past few weeks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
emokid Posted September 1, 2003 Share Posted September 1, 2003 Hey Girlie Girl- What is a year going to do? You guys could easily meet other people in a year. I just don't understand why people freak out and need space or need a break so badly that, they're willing to risk losing the love they have. I don't know what your thinking But...So What if this is your first REAL relationship and first REAL sexual experience, It doesn't mean that you're missing out on living life..you're probably old enough to know what you want. I still feel that my first love and first sexual experience was the love of my life. I would have stayed with her forever, But she didn't see it that way, thought we were too young and had to take off to "Find herself". A few relationships later, I still feel she's the one that got away and i sort of think she does too. I think she regrets it. She just freaked out and felt like she needed to be doing something else, but wanted to keep me around just in case she changed her mind. How can you stay with someone who's doubted if they love you or not? You know it if you feel it. If you're in love and he loves you, Then why do you need a year long break? Sure...It's inevitable, when your in a 3year/4year relationship, eventually, you may possibly need a break, but not a year!! and it shouldn't mean you have to break up!!!It's just the same thing i keep telling people...If You Love someone and you feel this is the one, Why ruin it? Link to post Share on other sites
inneed29 Posted September 2, 2003 Share Posted September 2, 2003 Hi he seems to really love you...i noticed he talked about careers alot..are you more ahead in your career than he is? maybe that is a factor he feels inadequate and wants to take time to get his career path in order so he could feel more macho who knows...i wouldn't take it as a brush off that he wants to meet other people..he wants to see you at Xmas right...i would just take it like he says face value..that he loves you but he needs to go it alone for awhile , I'm sure everything will work out for the best...best wishes and good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 2, 2003 Share Posted September 2, 2003 dear .... ...I hope your feeling better today, that talk lastnight really helped me so I hope it helped you... I love you, theres no denying that...I know you might not realize this now, but I honestly think a year apart would be good for us, I know it sounds crazy but if we make the effort to keep in touch and visit when we can and if we truly love each other we will be fine.... IF we make the effort? IF we truly love each other? It sounds like he is trying to convince himself and give himself an out if he needs one. On the other hand, he could be trying to convince you to be assertive about staying in touch with him too. I promise you, I swear on my life, that I will not lose touch with you while your in NY....your too much a part of me now to dismiss you like that....this year is going to go by so quick, I want you to go start your new job and do your thing and really shine, your such a career oriented person and your so good at what you do..... Now he swears he won't lose touch. He sounds a little scared. He also sounds supportive of you and your career here. The bottom line is we need to take care of ourselves now, physically, emotionally, financialy, careerwise...all that, I've given this a lot of thought and I know in my heart that this will be best for both of us in the long run, we're young, I know I sound like a broken record but we are, Theres nothing wrong with being away for a while, we've done it before and we found each other again....... There is always a bottom line. (*sigh) Apparently there are some aspects in his life, and maybe yours too, that require some focused attention. Whether that is career or emotional or both, I don't know. But it's a good idea, imho, to take the time to focus on those areas of one's life that need attention while eliminating as many distractions as possible until the task is done. Maybe he is afraid of co-dependency issues here. I promise you that nothing is going to keep me from staying in touch with you, nothing....I just want you to be ok and I know its hard, but I just hope that you understand...Life is short, we both are going to be doing alot of soul searching this year, we've become so dependent on each other...both of us need to just be us and it hurts me to leave you, it hurts me so bad to be away from you, but I know that in the long run this will save us alot of regrets and resentment towards each other.... This sounds pretty realistic - do some soul searching, make sure that there is no co-dependency going on and that any concerns either of you may have about a life-time commitment are thought about and brought up and discussed before hand. That means getting your priorities straight. Career sounds so important to both of you. Suppose you were married and both had great careers. Then he gets offered the absolute dream job of his life, more money, and everything he could want - in another state. You are perfectly content and happy with your job and have even remarked that you wouldn't change it for anything. Because it was so hard to find. Would you move with him? If the situation were reversed, would he move with you? That's a very hard commitment to make. you need a career you can be happy with and right now I need time to figure out were I want my life to be headed careerwise....the past few years you've become such an extra variable in my decisions about things and I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can go it alone for a little while, I owe you so much....Before I met you I was so untrusting of people and you showed me how good someone could be...in the past two years you've always been their for me... Here we are with careers again. And he calls you an "extra variable" in his decisions. I refer to my comments above. He may be afraid he is becoming co-dependent on you, on your input into his decision and is searching for his self-confidence and self-worth. That is very important for everyone and its great that he recognizes the value you have added to his life while wanting to prove himself also. .I will not forget that, I'd like to make you a promise...If your willing to, we should get together for christmas this year in I'm going to be their to visit my parents ...I hope you'll come to see me, I'd love to walk around the city again with you.....I love you so much, don't think for a second that I'm unaware to how special our bond is, I promise no matter what happens I will always keep you close to my heart and I will make such an effort this year to keep in contact....if you ever needed anything I'll be there for you.....I would love to see you the day before you leave, please call me.... This is really a wishy-washy statement. He will "make such an effort" what happened to his earlier promise? And the "no matter what happens" statement is rather chilling. Is he giving you an out to dump him so that neither of you has any guilt? Or is he giving himself an out? Maybe he realizes that there is a possibility that during your soul searching year, your search will lead you away from each other and he's giving you both a closure statement here. be strong, everythings going to fall into place for us I promise.... I love you always love .... there is that promise again, but this time he doesn't state that what falls in place will be the two of you together. However, he is right - whatever happens (stay together or split up) your lives will both go on and you will find happiness. things will fall into place for you - together or apart. All in all, I think this letter is very ambiguous. He sounds like he wants to let go completely, but he's afraid of falling - so he's decided to hang by a thread until he either gets his feet under him, or chickens out and grabs back ahold of you again. That's how I read the letter - but I don't know you or the history you two have and I could be way off base. I think the year (or more) apart will be good for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
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