Will he come back?

[GreenEyedLady]

Thank you GEL...

 

I know you’ve been one of the lucky ones and I am so happy for you. And yes, if there is one thing I'll do is stay NC as much as it hurts. That is one piece of advice everyone here agrees on. I have never placed him in this position and if he loves me the way he says he does then it was for the best, and if it does not work out for me, I guess I'll finally realize it's time to move on. My mind is worried, but my heart is at ease.....because it is so hopeful

 

I did not stay NC after the 2 weeks. I knew this was different. Alot of people say don't go back until he has divorce papers in hand, but I am not one of those. I knew it was different because he told his brother, took me out to his region so I could see it and he made his exit plan and I made my relocation plan. There's no way I would have waited for his divorce to be final. It takes too long.

 

But I also need to say he changed. He changed since I met him. And I wouldn't suggest anyone going this road unless they know their partner is not the same person who cheated on their spouse with them. If they are the same, then they will be the same with you. They have to realize their actions hurt people and that lying is not acceptable. If they don't think they did anything wrong, then watch out. Those are the ones that will cheat again.

 

So anyways, good luck. If he comes back it's up to you to go through the process with him or wait until it's final. I just couldn't see waiting when he was already long gone. And it's tough going through the process and I feel like I am able to support him when he needs it. It's even more of an emotional roller coaster than the A part. I kid you not.

 

What will be, will be.

 

GEL

[OWoman]

I did not stay NC after the 2 weeks. I knew this was different. Alot of people say don't go back until he has divorce papers in hand, but I am not one of those. I knew it was different because he told his brother, took me out to his region so I could see it and he made his exit plan and I made my relocation plan. There's no way I would have waited for his divorce to be final. It takes too long.

 

But I also need to say he changed. He changed since I met him. And I wouldn't suggest anyone going this road unless they know their partner is not the same person who cheated on their spouse with them. If they are the same, then they will be the same with you. They have to realize their actions hurt people and that lying is not acceptable. If they don't think they did anything wrong, then watch out. Those are the ones that will cheat again.

 

So anyways, good luck. If he comes back it's up to you to go through the process with him or wait until it's final. I just couldn't see waiting when he was already long gone. And it's tough going through the process and I feel like I am able to support him when he needs it. It's even more of an emotional roller coaster than the A part. I kid you not.

What will be, will be.

 

GEL

 

That's for sure! But worth it, despite or because of that.

 

HOO I hope your MM comes through for you. I hope he lives up to what you believe him to be, for you and for himself.

[dazed.1]

Actually the fact of going through all these years of being committed without a commitment when you finally do it you will appreciate, and value it even more.

 

His marriage to his wife is a commitment, look at how that turned out.

 

You really consider being in a EA with someone as being committed to them? You might be faithful to him, but he is married to another woman!

 

Move on with your life, find someone that will truely commit to you 100%. Not put you on the back burner while he has a life with his wife and kids (if he has kids).

[Kamikaze]

Yesterday I finally found the strengh and courage to tell my MM that it was over. The A had been going on for 4 years, I love him but I just can't continue living this lie. I proposed NC for a while and told him to really think what he wanted. That he needed to really decide; either work thing out with his W, or end it completely. That he could come back only with divorce papers in hand. When it was time to say goodbye I said, " I feel I will not see you in a long time". He responded... I will see you sooner than you think, I just have to finally work on those papers.

 

Will he ever be back? I felt he left leaving me with hope, I feel excited and hopeful that things will finally work. Do you think it was just another way to keep me waiting and not moving on? I need advice.

 

HOO,

 

I was with my MM for 29 years. Our (SECOND) D-day was this past May 24. We have been in non-communication now since July 3 when the W called the police on me for harassment - i.e., calling him (of course she did not know he was talking to me). He has not made an attempt to contact me since that day so we will see how long this lasts.

 

I just do not believe that a man or woman can spend this many years with someone - deeply in love - and just turn it off because a W or H finds out - but, I may be wrong. My MM has also only been with two women - his W and Me.

 

I have no idea how my situation will turn out. I have opened lines of communication for my MM and if he does not contact me so be it.

 

I am in therapy now and I am working on ME! Don't listen to all the Nay Sayers here. True unconditional love happens rarely! If this is what the two of you had he will be back.

 

Kami

[Kamikaze]

I'm with ya on the 5-8 calls a day thing... my OW and I were in nearly constant contact one way or the other during the day and even the evening for that matter... But for me looking at it now that is why it is so important for you to go dark right now. It's the only truly way to know for sure if all of that invested time (and potential invested time) was worth it or is going to "pay off".

 

I do not believe for a second, though some here may disagree, that I am a typical "cake eater" or typical MM. I am in my early 30's and the only two romantic relationships or women I have ever known are my wife and OW. With that being said, it was amazing to see after coming on these forums how actions I have taken and things I have said are stereotypical of someone (a MM) in my situation.

 

So that is why I tell you to give him some time to figure out exactly what he wants 'cause if he truly loves you he is essentially choosing whichever for the rest of his life. It may not be morally correct but it's the way it is for me. Just know that really NC is best for the both of you...

 

I can second that TATE! My MM would call me an average of 8 -12 times a day and txt me 3000-4000 times a month - from the time he woke up until late at night. Since July 3 - nothing!!!! It is very hard!!!

 

You sound very much like my MM - I was also only the second woman he had ever been with. We have had 29 happy loving years together - more than many marriages. It will be interesting to see what he does now.

 

Kami

[HIS OTHER ONE]

Wow Kami....

 

I feel for you, 29 years; many people can say how do you allow yourself to go that far. I can understand....I saw a few months, that have turned into 4 years. I cannot beging to imagine how hard it must be for you, but always "Give the benefit of doubt", you never know why this is happening. But your heart will say when, and then you will be able to move on. Thank you for your advice.

[Mino]

Tate....Thanks its actually good to hear your feelings as the MM, I will take your advise and follow the NC rule as much as I can. It's not easy goings from 5 to 8 calls a day to none, but like you said he needs time to sort his life out and I am willing to give it for the best which ever way it may go. I totally agree to continue on this thread for a while..thats why I am here for all the support I can receive and give as well.

 

 

 

jon01....Why are you so bitter in all your responses? I read some of your posts and they all seem full of anger. Maybe you should start your own thread instead of insulting those of us who know what we are doing and are here for advice & support.

 

TY ....OW

He is bitter because his wife left him after he got caught cheating...

[Tate]

Kami,

 

Wow... I really hope you haven't lost him after all those many years and time - the dedication and love on both sides must be incredible. Just based on my feelings for my OW after 6 years I cannot imagine that he would up and abandon you that way... in fact, I would be shocked.

 

Our no contact time started very much around the same time yours did; it is very difficult and almost just impossible on my mind... my heart just isn't "In" much of anything anymore. I can say this forced disconnection has been good and has made me think about things and what I need to do to make things as right as they can be after all this time... I hope your MM is doing the same.

 

My thoughts are with you; stay strong for yourself just like you are doing. I think that is the best way of deciding what we all actually really want and how we want to live.

[Kamikaze]

Kami,

 

Wow... I really hope you haven't lost him after all those many years and time - the dedication and love on both sides must be incredible. Just based on my feelings for my OW after 6 years I cannot imagine that he would up and abandon you that way... in fact, I would be shocked.

 

Our no contact time started very much around the same time yours did; it is very difficult and almost just impossible on my mind... my heart just isn't "In" much of anything anymore. I can say this forced disconnection has been good and has made me think about things and what I need to do to make things as right as they can be after all this time... I hope your MM is doing the same.

 

My thoughts are with you; stay strong for yourself just like you are doing. I think that is the best way of deciding what we all actually really want and how we want to live.

 

Thanks Tate! I know exactely what I want. My MM is the one who could not give up the kids & grandkids (they are grown) - or so he has said. The last we spoke he just told me to allow things to calm down, give him some space, until things blow over. But, this is very hard. There is always a way to contact someone no matter how much one is watched. I am certain he is totally paranoid. She takes his cell phone and makes him use hers at random for work, has access to all his email, work files, cell phone bills, and has a gps on his car - plus, he thinks he is being followed - but I doubt that.

 

What really hurt was he took her on vacation the week after the NC started -"so that they could get away from all the stress."

 

Still, I will always love him and I know if he called me right now I would go to him - leave everything behind.

 

Kami

[Kamikaze]

Wow Kami....

 

I feel for you, 29 years; many people can say how do you allow yourself to go that far. I can understand....I saw a few months, that have turned into 4 years. I cannot beging to imagine how hard it must be for you, but always "Give the benefit of doubt", you never know why this is happening. But your heart will say when, and then you will be able to move on. Thank you for your advice.

 

You are very welcome. It really seems like only yesterday for me. The hard part is not knowing how he feels now or what he is thinking.

 

Anyway, you need to decide what is best for YOU! Then go for it!

 

Kami

[jon01]

not insulting but judgemental is okay ?

 

Well she told me she knows what she is doing, so I disagreed. Is that a crime?

[jon01]

you don't need no MM! think of the families you would be hurting!

FInd a single man! he might have been using you for sex only and may be one of many! Think of his wife you are hurting! Would you like your man doing two women!

Move on girl! Move on!

 

Stop being judgmental!

[jon01]

He is bitter because his wife left him after he got caught cheating...

 

No but your close. My wife left me after I caught her cheating.

[Lookingforward]

Thanks Tate! I know exactely what I want. My MM is the one who could not give up the kids & grandkids (they are grown) - or so he has said. The last we spoke he just told me to allow things to calm down, give him some space, until things blow over. But, this is very hard. There is always a way to contact someone no matter how much one is watched. I am certain he is totally paranoid. She takes his cell phone and makes him use hers at random for work, has access to all his email, work files, cell phone bills, and has a gps on his car - plus, he thinks he is being followed - but I doubt that.

 

What really hurt was he took her on vacation the week after the NC started -"so that they could get away from all the stress."

 

Still, I will always love him and I know if he called me right now I would go to him - leave everything behind.

 

Kami

 

that may be many things...but it's not what I'd call either a marriage OR a life - I can't imagine being either party in that type of scenario....

[Lookingforward]

Well she told me she knows what she is doing, so I disagreed. Is that a crime?

 

nope, but saying such things as "you should never have gotten involved with a MM in the first place" is judgemental (not to mention a little late and fruitless as it's past tense now)

[jon01]

nope, but saying such things as "you should never have gotten involved with a MM in the first place" is judgemental (not to mention a little late and fruitless as it's past tense now)

 

Get off your high horse and stop being so critical of what I said.

[Mino]

No but your close. My wife left me after I caught her cheating.

Sorry Jon, I mistaken you for someone eles.. We do have a bitter cheater around sometimes, who did get caught, wife left him, he is really anry at all women... sorry again,,, hope you acept my apologies:o

[Agent_99]

HOO, Tate and Kami,

 

Your three stories are killing me. I am getting ready to end my affair AND the freindship, because we have tried being "just" friends and it's still the affair without the physical part, and somehow we always end up back in it.

 

I know that I have to stop letting my fear of losing her keep me from doing what is right for both of us. She either needs to fix her life, leave it, or find a new band-aid. I just need to heal.

 

I really hope that whatever happens for all of you that you find what you need in the end, even if it wasn't what you want in the moment.

 

And GEL ~ honestly I am so very jealous in a whistful sort of way. I honestly don't think my MW will leave her M.

 

~99

[jon01]

Sorry Jon, I mistaken you for someone eles.. We do have a bitter cheater around sometimes, who did get caught, wife left him, he is really anry at all women... sorry again,,, hope you acept my apologies:o

 

No problem man, thanks. I know I can be a prick sometimes too, so I hope nobody takes me all too seriously.

[GreenEyedLady]

And GEL ~ honestly I am so very jealous in a whistful sort of way. I honestly don't think my MW will leave her M.

 

~99

 

You know what Agent99, if she won't leave then it's HER loss.

 

I really didn't think mine would leave his. I thought he placed such a value on material possessions and image that he would never do it. But he really changed. He became very humble and remorseful and tired of hurting people and lying.

 

And he realized that it wasn't fair to either of us what he was doing and he made his choice. (I kinda forced his hand, but ya know, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.)

 

And I know I'm lucky because he took a risk instead of staying status quo. But you know what, he's pretty lucky too.

 

GEL

[Tate]

GEL - when you went NC with your MM before he came back to you what was the tone or message you sent with the NC message? My OW's last e-mail had a cold and matter of fact tone to it that just has me thrown a little... Of course I do believe if I make the decision for her she would welcome me with open arms.... it's just sometime any little thing in MY mind can become a struggling block when trying to break free from that status quo and initiating the process of dissapointing so many.

[OWoman]

GEL - when you went NC with your MM before he came back to you what was the tone or message you sent with the NC message? My OW's last e-mail had a cold and matter of fact tone to it that just has me thrown a little... Of course I do believe if I make the decision for her she would welcome me with open arms.... it's just sometime any little thing in MY mind can become a struggling block when trying to break free from that status quo and initiating the process of dissapointing so many.

 

Tate - I imagine that your OW really struggled to write that email, and that a cold, distant, and objective tone was the best way she could get through what must have been a difficult task for her. Blocking out her emotions would likely have been the only way she could have held her resolve, rather than giving in to warm memories of good times and heartfelt emotions of fear and loss and loneliness.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL - when you went NC with your MM before he came back to you what was the tone or message you sent with the NC message? My OW's last e-mail had a cold and matter of fact tone to it that just has me thrown a little... Of course I do believe if I make the decision for her she would welcome me with open arms.... it's just sometime any little thing in MY mind can become a struggling block when trying to break free from that status quo and initiating the process of dissapointing so many.

 

My tone was matter of fact and he knew that this was it. Either he made a choice or I made the choice for us-which was me to move on.

 

It's just like enabling really. As long as I allowed the R to move forward the way it was, he wasn't going anywhere. It wasn't until he realized that he would lose me and never get me, back that he finally acted.

 

He was worried about retirement, worried about what people would think, worried he'd lose everything. And he told me that everything he had could be replaced, but if he lost me, he could never replace me. So he had to let go of all those other things first.

 

And all the worries have been put to rest. I'll still be working for over a decade when he retires so that takes care of that and he didn't lose anything at all. We have a good life together and it's funny because he said he actually has more money now. Go figure.

 

Finally one of the things I asked him was: "Why are you the only one getting what they want out of this? I'm sure she wants a faithful husband and I want you to be with just me. Why are you the one getting what they want?"

 

I know it's daunting to feel like you're disappointing everyone. But I was with my honey every step of the way. It was PRETTY SCARY for me too. I ended up moving 100 miles away and changed jobs so that we could be together. But we're each other's biggest support.

 

My thing was make a choice. If you want to stay with her, then I'm outtie. If you want to make it work with your W, then you have to let the OW go. That's how I was after we broke up. He kept calling and the thing that did it was that I sobbing on the phone and just asking him to "let me go." Later he told me that that was when he realized he couldn't hurt me anymore.

 

And we made our plans and now less than a year later, the dust has settled and everyone is pretty happy and we have all found peace.

 

We were lucky.

[Tate]

I know it's daunting to feel like you're disappointing everyone. But I was with my honey every step of the way. It was PRETTY SCARY for me too. I ended up moving 100 miles away and changed jobs so that we could be together. But we're each other's biggest support.

 

He kept calling and the thing that did it was that I sobbing on the phone and just asking him to "let me go." Later he told me that that was when he realized he couldn't hurt me anymore.

 

The prospect of dissapointing is very daunting... it's a fear of mine in general and with this being what I consider the biggest decision of my life so far makes the pressure nearly unbearable... My OW and I have a lot of obstacles to overcome as well if things happen... she would be moving as well.

 

The way you describe the "let me go" phone call is stunningly similar to our experience... exact actually. I told my OW it sometimes takes that sort of revelation for me to see the light of how much pain I am causing her... because at times she seems so strong. It's because of that I am respecting our NC rule and trying to get down to what I need to do.

 

GEL, thanks for your words and experiences; I appreciate them as I head into this weekend... a potentially very difficult one.

 

T

[OWoman]

We were lucky.

 

I don't think so. "Lucky" is waking up to find all the bad things were just a dream.

 

You were brave, strong, determined. You MADE your luck. You deserve your happiness.