Enablers..???

[Lishy]

We all own our own behaviour and reactions. We have no one to blame but ourselves when we overstep the mark and become angry and insulting.

 

We all need to make any poster who is bullying another aware of their actions. Bullies are cowards and can only work in a gang.

 

The only way to stop the bullying is to confront it!

 

Hopefully the person bullying will step back and realise what they have done and recitify it and not just justify it or try to get back up. If they are man/woman enough then they will do that!

[Virgo1982]

We all own our own behaviour and reactions. We have no one to blame but ourselves when we overstep the mark and become angry and insulting.

 

We all need to make any poster who is bullying another aware of their actions. Bullies are cowards and can only work in a gang.

 

The only way to stop the bullying is to confront it!

 

Hopefully the person bullying will step back and realise what they have done and recitify it and not just justify it or try to get back up. If they are man/woman enough then they will do that!

 

I've seen ignoring work as well. If no one entertains them, sometimes they go away. Ignoring does suggest indifference, which goes back to number 1 on the list.

[grogster]

I think if you can say something pretty critical to someone and be prepared to get a fairly angry response from them without being outraged by that anger, or telling them off for being angry/defensive, then that's probably "tough love" rather than bullying. It is, at least, respectful. You're giving the person an opportunity to respond to the criticism. Mild anger, in response to criticism, is to be expected. Signs that a bullying situation might develop are when the person's responses to the criticism are stifled and disrespected. Some favourites an old boss of mine used to use when I was responding to criticism during supervision:

 

1. Now you see - you're being defensive.

2. You seem angry. Is this raising issues for you? Do you have anger management problems?

3. It's somewhat passive aggressive when people shut down and go quiet as you're doing just now.

 

I filtered 2 and 3 out, and concentrated on 1. Being defensive is the fastest way to increase a bullying situation - because effectively you're telling the person "I care what you think. I want to change your mind about me. I don't want you or other people listening to this to think badly of me..."

 

So....

 

"You seem angry."

"Do I?"

"That's a little passive aggressive?"

"Is it?"

"Can we have a conversation without you being passive aggressive?"

"I'm sure we can. Could you explain exactly how you find this passive aggressive?"

"You're like the sulky kid who stares out of the window when the teacher's talking to her."

"What's the wrong in that? Does the wrong relate to the way it makes the teacher feel? How would a competent teacher handle that situation?"

 

Putting a bit of responsibility back onto the other person who's veering towards bullying. Not automatically attempting to change your behaviour just to please them, but encouraging them to think about why your behaviour is pissing them off and what they personally could do to get a better response from you. That's one way for a person to steer someone who's attempting to brow-beat them back towards delivering constructive criticism - and also taking a bit of responsibility for their own behaviour.

 

You raise good questions, Walk. I'd also be interested in hearing about some methods, that don't involve making personal attacks, that other people find useful in steering people away from both bullying and over-enabling.

 

The best advice is focused, delivered dispassionately and with a dollop of empathy. The critical focus is on the specific behavior, and not on the OP's value or worth as a human being.

 

Constructive advice is situation specific, highly contextual and delivered in either a neutral or empathic tone. You, Tara, or Lucretia Bortia give constructive advice. It's all about helping.

 

Destructive advice is general, demeans the OP as a human being and is delivered in a snide, snarky or harsh tone. The abusive poster could care less about providing meaningful advice but, rather, sadistically enjoys savaging the OP to score "virtue" points with her friends. It's all about one-upmanship

 

Does the Shack have a problem with the Abusive Poster? You bet.

[Owl]

The best advice is focused, delivered dispassionately and with a dollop of empathy. The critical focus is on the specific behavior, and not on the OP's value or worth as a human being.

 

I TOTALLY agree with this. Even if you disagree with that poster's actions, there's no need to be insulting, angry, rude, or or respond with deliberately provocative comments that are only aimed at insulting and not solving the problem.

 

"Wow, with an attitude like that, no wonder you're not married!"

 

Just not helpful.

 

Put yourself in the other person's shoes, even if you'd never take the actions that they have. See how they're feeling...and above all, give advice targetted towards actually helping them RESOLVE THE PROBLEM.

 

Good observations, Grog!

[OpenBook]

The best advice is focused, delivered dispassionately and with a dollop of empathy. The critical focus is on the specific behavior, and not on the OP's value or worth as a human being.

 

Constructive advice is situation specific, highly contextual and delivered in either a neutral or empathic tone. You, Tara, or Lucretia Bortia give constructive advice. It's all about helping.

 

Destructive advice is general, demeans the OP as a human being and is delivered in a snide, snarky or harsh tone. The abusive poster could care less about providing meaningful advice but, rather, sadistically enjoys savaging the OP to score "virtue" points with her friends. It's all about one-upmanship

 

Does the Shack have a problem with the Abusive Poster? You bet.

 

Grogmeister, you have hit the nail on the head once again. Nice post!!