More "guy weekend" b.s.

July 20, 2008

LB... I think you handled things just fine. Have more trust in your own abilities. You might not always get it right, but as long as you communicate with your bf in an open way then you two will be okay. If the relationship doesn't work out, it won't be due to lack of comprimise and communication, it'll be due to differences in core values.

As far as some of the posts this thread... yes, they were incredibly attacking and harsh. Some simply state their opinion, give their reasons and allow the OP to come to their own conclusions. Others turn it into a figurative 'shove their opinion down your throat and get pissed you didn't swallow fast enough'. There are healthy paths to take, and attacking paths. Some people need to be reminded that this is a discussion, not a boxing match.

Personally LB, I think you reacted to Star Gazer, Touche and the others who critized your motivations the same way you reacted to your bf... you back down. You hide, you give in, you stop communicating and tell everyone you give up, they win. (same thing I do.) You can't do that though. You can't back down on things that are important to you. Stick up for yourself maybe not on here.. but in real life)

For the record... I would love to hear how this plays out. I know how I would react to the situation, and I sure as hell wouldn't be as diplomatic, comprimising, or understanding as you have been. It just shows that you have a good handle on the situation.

I agree with Walk 100%, especially on the bolded part. Don't back down when you feel you're being attacked. Stand up for yourself, and stick to your guns. I think your problem is you keep changing your stance on something you weren't OK with to begin with. That's why people feel they can be antagonistic to you, even online.

Better to just draw a clear boundary from the start and never let it be crossed. Only compromise as far as it doesn't compromise your basic needs.

But if you ever do agree to something that you're not comfortable with (which you should seriously avoid doing), you have every right to back out...just stay there.

July 20, 2008

But if you ever do agree to something that you're not comfortable with (which you should seriously avoid doing), you have every right to back out...just stay there.

She can change her mind, but then her boyfriend has the right to lose all respect for someone who changes their mind like the weather. I couldn't be with a woman like that. I'd cut and run and chalk it up as a failed relationship.

July 20, 2008

Do you not have transportation where you live?

What do you mean? I have a car, but seriously we live in PA..the nearest beach is like 3 or more hours away. Probably even farther than that. That would be awesome though.

Our apartment complex does have a very nice pool so I've been going to that a lot (without my bf).

July 20, 2008

But if you ever do agree to something that you're not comfortable with (which you should seriously avoid doing), you have every right to back out...just stay there.

Inconsistency can kill a relationship pretty fast. Never agree to do something you can't follow through with. It makes you unreliable.

July 20, 2008

But if you ever do agree to something that you're not comfortable with (which you should seriously avoid doing), you have every right to back out...just stay there.

Sure, but don't expect the relationship to last. Inconsistency is poison to a relationship.

July 20, 2008

I wasn't inconsistent about anything. I changed plans, but I don't see how that will "kill" my relationship. It's not like I do that everday and neither of us ever follow through on what we say. That couldn't be further from the truth.

I agree that unreliability can kill a relationship, but that is def. NOT the case with mine.

July 20, 2008

Sure, but don't expect the relationship to last. Inconsistency is poison to a relationship.

Too much inconsistency can, but I don't think this one incident will make or break her relationship.

July 20, 2008

I wasn't inconsistent about anything. I changed plans, but I don't see how that will "kill" my relationship. It's not like I do that everday and neither of us ever follow through on what we say. That couldn't be further from the truth.

I agree that unreliability can kill a relationship, but that is def. NOT the case with mine.

I don't see any problem with that either.

That is like saying, honey I'm going to go to Mexico with aunt Martha this weekend and then her car breaks and there is a change of plans.

Is not like you changed your mind but other people couldn't make it.

Doesn't sound unreasonable to me.

July 20, 2008

I wasn't inconsistent about anything. I changed plans, but I don't see how that will "kill" my relationship. It's not like I do that everday and neither of us ever follow through on what we say. That couldn't be further from the truth.

I agree that unreliability can kill a relationship, but that is def. NOT the case with mine.

Flexibility is also important in a relationship. R.E. Ariadne's response.

July 21, 2008

I wasn't inconsistent about anything. I changed plans, but I don't see how that will "kill" my relationship. It's not like I do that everday and neither of us ever follow through on what we say. That couldn't be further from the truth.

I agree that unreliability can kill a relationship, but that is def. NOT the case with mine.

Consistency is key. If you agree to something, stick by it. The less amendments, the less drama. One person can't always be made responsible for the other's happiness or enjoyment in life.

Consider the overall situation. He acted in a disrespectful manner towards you originally by making plans without your buy in and then compounded the situation with the expectation that you'll exit the apt. The situation wasn't disrespectful. Everyone deserves some fun time outside of the relationship.

You called him on it, which was the right thing to do since being a doormat preps the way to being treated as such in the future. You had a choice, as at this point in time to shut it down, roll over or compromise. You chose to compromise. He understood that his actions weren't acceptable and agreed to compromise. A deal is inked. His friend throws a hissy fit and your b/f backs you.

Two days previous to the event, your plans change so instead of sticking to the original plan by amending your plans to accommodate, you chose to look to him to make it right for you. Your b/f accommodated you.

While this one incident won't break your relationship, although it could have, this type of inconsistency will, if it continues to happen. It creates a sense of unreliability for the bigger decisions in life.

July 21, 2008

Are you suggesting she has nothing left to learn from this situation?

No, not at all.

However I don't think dragging the thread on for another ten pages will help her learn anything else at this time.

July 21, 2008

No, not at all.

However I don't think dragging the thread on for another ten pages will help her learn anything else at this time.

I think I learned a lot. Especially that working things out has def. made our relationship better and stronger that we were about to work things out.

July 21, 2008

Laurie, you do not need to defend yourself

It is YOUR relationship and they are YOUR mistakes to make so if you feel everything is cool then that is it!

Myself, I think you need to stop overthinking every detail of things and just have fun, get your own life that does not just happen when your bf has stuff planned and be happy!

Good luck

July 21, 2008

LB... I think you handled things just fine. Have more trust in your own abilities. You might not always get it right, but as long as you communicate with your bf in an open way then you two will be okay. If the relationship doesn't work out, it won't be due to lack of comprimise and communication, it'll be due to differences in core values.

As far as some of the posts this thread... yes, they were incredibly attacking and harsh. Some simply state their opinion, give their reasons and allow the OP to come to their own conclusions. Others turn it into a figurative 'shove their opinion down your throat and get pissed you didn't swallow fast enough'. There are healthy paths to take, and attacking paths. Some people need to be reminded that this is a discussion, not a boxing match.

Well stated. Fair enough - the girl made a promise to her bf re letting him have the flat for the weekend, so it's right that she sticks to that promise. But there's been a fair bit of "I give it straight" cyber-swaggering at LB's expense on this thread. Have to say, if I were her I'd have accumulated around 20 million infraction points by now, returning some of that good old "tough love ".

The first few pages dohave that "ganging up" feel about them. And I'm not saying that to be spiteful or bitchy. I like all the people involved, but it was an onslaught. Things seem to get like that now and again on LS. Is it the hot weather or something?

July 21, 2008

Gotta' love the judgements being passed considering how few people passing judgements have followed and supported LB through her progress...

July 21, 2008

Gotta' love the judgements being passed considering how few people passing judgements have followed and supported LB through her progress...

Well, perhaps people have just got too involved emotionally in her situation, and that accounts for the overly heated, personalised nature of some of the advice.

July 21, 2008

Well, perhaps people have just got too involved emotionally in her situation, and that accounts for some of the overly heated wording of some of the advice.

Possibly, possibly not. You might want to read all her threads to understand the relationship dynamic a little better.

July 21, 2008

Possibly, possibly not. You might want to read all her threads to understand the relationship dynamic a little better.

I've had a look at some of the other threads she started in the last few months - though there's a lot, and I don't have time to read it all. From what I've read, I can't say I have any real knowledge of the relationship dynamics. What I do feel, reading LB's posts is that she really lacks confidence in her own judgement, seeks reassurance from other people - and as a result possibly finds herself getting dominated a lot.

"Affectionately bull-dozer" I used to term a friend, who would do that to most of her female friends and some of her male ones. At times that tough love approach can feel quite cosy, funny and nurturing - but it needs watched, because it can swiftly veer towards somewhat oppressive and controlling....which isn't empowering for a person who needs to build up their self confidence.

Because of that impression I'd had from much of this thread (which I only read today, I must admit) I liked Walk's message. I felt she was picking up the same vibe about LB that I am - and that she was giving her the kind of "start trusting yourself more..." message that maybe she could use more of.

July 21, 2008

I've had a look at some of the other threads she started in the last few months - though there's a lot, and I don't have time to read it all. From what I've read, I can't say I have any real knowledge of the relationship dynamics. What I do feel, reading LB's posts is that she really lacks confidence in her own judgement, seeks reassurance from other people - and as a result possibly finds herself getting dominated a lot.

"Affectionately bull-dozer" I used to term a friend, who would do that to most of her female friends and some of her male ones. At times that tough love approach can feel quite cosy, funny and nurturing - but it needs watched, because it can swiftly veer towards somewhat oppressive and controlling....which isn't empowering for a person who needs to build up their self confidence.

Because of that impression I'd had from much of this thread (which I only read today, I must admit) I liked Walk's message. I felt she was picking up the same vibe about LB that I am - and that she was giving her the kind of "start trusting yourself more..." message that maybe she could use more of.

LB and her b/f are both emotionally young. They're trying to do the best they can but many times look to number 1. Then things get into a mess and LB comes online to question his/her perspective. More than enough times, it's LB who needs to review her thought processes.

July 21, 2008

I felt she was picking up the same vibe about LB that I am - and that she was giving her the kind of "start trusting yourself more..." message that maybe she could use more of.

If LB had trusted herself and her own thought pattern at the start of this thread, that is, seeing it from the tempertantrum "This is B.S., I'm STAYING!" point of view, she would have ruined her BF's weekend and cause a LOT of resentment along the way. It was ONLY because of the "tough love" she received here regarding not renigging on her prior agreement that she saw the light of say and avoided that.

July 21, 2008

LB and her b/f are both emotionally young. They're trying to do the best they can but many times look to number 1. Then things get into a mess and LB comes online to question his/her perspective. More than enough times, it's LB who needs to review her thought processes.

It's true that we are young. Most of the issues that we have had to overcome are mostly his lack of "serious long-term relationship" experience and the fact that I am the first gf that he has lived with. I have issues of my own, insecurity and lack of self-confidence. Both of these are issues that I am trying to work out and feel that I have gotten better with them.

I do tend to overreact and over-analyze his behavior, so it tends to be me that creates problems that aren't there. Maybe thats a lot of my school/career training that has contributed to my chosing to act that way.

It's interesting that he has commented several times on the fact that I went out with my freind to a bar. He has jokingly asked if guys were hitting on me at the bar, and he said that considering how extremely hot I am he "couldn't blame them." Not trying to analyze or anything, just thought it interesting that I think he may have some insecurity issues of his own to deal with.

July 21, 2008

If LB had trusted herself and her own thought pattern at the start of this thread, that is, seeing it from the tempertantrum "This is B.S., I'm STAYING!" point of view, she would have ruined her BF's weekend and cause a LOT of resentment along the way. It was ONLY because of the "tough love" she received here regarding not renigging on her prior agreement that she saw the light of say and avoided that.

Was it this thread, or the other three threads that defined this? I can't remember...

July 21, 2008

Was it this thread, or the other three threads that defined this? I can't remember...

Defined what? You lost me.

July 21, 2008

Was it this thread, or the other three threads that defined this? I can't remember...

2 threads..all pertaining to a different things. I didn't demand that I was staying at all, I actually TALKED to my bf about reaaranging plans and although his initial reaction was troublesome (hense the reason for the thread) he was understanding once we discussed the issue and the weekend went perfectly fine.

July 21, 2008

If LB had trusted herself and her own thought pattern at the start of this thread, that is, seeing it from the tempertantrum "This is B.S., I'm STAYING!" point of view, she would have ruined her BF's weekend and cause a LOT of resentment along the way. It was ONLY because of the "tough love" she received here regarding not renigging on her prior agreement that she saw the light of say and avoided that.

Hmm actually the "tough love" upset me, and I continued with my plans, which worked out for the better actually.

Not trying to say "told ya so" or anything just trying to clarify.

Sign In

More "guy weekend" b.s.

Recommended Posts

shadowplay

anecdote

Lauriebell82

Trialbyfire

Star Gazer

Lauriebell82

shadowplay

Ariadne

Cherry Blossom 35

Trialbyfire

sb129

Lauriebell82

Lishy

Taramere

Trialbyfire

Taramere

Trialbyfire

Taramere

Trialbyfire

Star Gazer

Lauriebell82

Trialbyfire

Star Gazer

Lauriebell82

Lauriebell82

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...