porter218 Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 This will only work if the OW has 100% decided to never speak to the MM again and the A is really over. If an OW still has feelings for her MM, she'll feel torn and feel like she's betraying him by speaking to his wife. Also, if she wants him back, she won't tell the truth completely, if anything, there's always a chance she'll say more than necessary that may not be true so she can benefit in hopes the BW will kick MM out of the house. Honestly WWIU, I think that with the right approach most OW will be mostly honest with the BS...But no matter what approach you use with the WH he is almost guaranteed to lie about a lot of the details. I am not saying the OW are always going to tell the whole truth but they will tell more then the MM 9 times out of 10. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShouldveKnownBetter Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 Waaaaaaaaaait a minute. You had all the available time in the world to go out in the evenings and party with friends, meet MM for lunch, spend afternoons and evenings out on dates with him, and go to his softball games but, you couldn't find one spare moment of your busy schedule to face the BS?!! I empathize with the fact that you got royally duped by this schmuck but your excuses about having no time to meet her because of working two jobs, yet still having enough time to go out and spend with friends (while she roamed the city looking for you), says you've got more time available for yourself than you're honestly admitting. Just wanted to respond to this part... Most of those things you've mentioned occur late at night (minus the lunches). If you look at some of my earlier posts, you'll see that I mentioned she has a long commute - 1.5 hours each way. I would become free at 8pm, and she would just be getting home & need to be with her 2 young kids. That was the scheduling problem. That, and I have been trying to get out of town as much as humanly possible since this happened so I haven't been around much on the weekends. I appreciate the feedback though... they've both left me alone since my last post. And porter & ww - I have NO intention of contacting him. I don't use the word "hate" very freely, but if the shoe fits... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Just wanted to respond to this part... Most of those things you've mentioned occur late at night (minus the lunches). If you look at some of my earlier posts, you'll see that I mentioned she has a long commute - 1.5 hours each way. I would become free at 8pm, and she would just be getting home & need to be with her 2 young kids. That was the scheduling problem. That, and I have been trying to get out of town as much as humanly possible since this happened so I haven't been around much on the weekends. I appreciate the feedback though... they've both left me alone since my last post. And porter & ww - I have NO intention of contacting him. I don't use the word "hate" very freely, but if the shoe fits... Enough is enough - you've done more than could be expected of you already (personally I wouldn't have spoken to her 'extended family' myself) and if she is going to starts with the threats etc, then I'd just tell her she's had all the info she'll be getting from you and to take it up with her H Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 Honestly WWIU, I think that with the right approach most OW will be mostly honest with the BS...But no matter what approach you use with the WH he is almost guaranteed to lie about a lot of the details. I am not saying the OW are always going to tell the whole truth but they will tell more then the MM 9 times out of 10. Porter I think that the approach would be critical - I can't say I've ever been in that position, so can only speculate on how I may have reacted had I been... but I think if someone approached me calmly, rationally and respectfully, chances are I'd respond likewise. Trouble is, the nature of the situation doesn't lend itself to that, and the approach would more likely be hostile, aggressive and blaming, if the BW was in the throes of the hurt, and that kind of approach would shut me down completely and my response would likely compound any hurt she already felt. (Though, of course, the answers she got even under the best circumstances may well not be what she wanted, or needed, to hear. We all have our own truths. They may not always mesh conveniently.) Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Honestly WWIU, I think that with the right approach most OW will be mostly honest with the BS...But no matter what approach you use with the WH he is almost guaranteed to lie about a lot of the details. I am not saying the OW are always going to tell the whole truth but they will tell more then the MM 9 times out of 10. Honestly, had I ever been approached by the STBXW, I would have told her to talk to him. I would not have gotten involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Honestly, had I ever been approached by the STBXW, I would have told her to talk to him. I would not have gotten involved. Most probably I would have done the same......said I'm not the person you should be talking to Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Most probably I would have done the same......said I'm not the person you should be talking to Exactly... When you're in love with them, and you see yourself with them, you don't betray them. I think that's the most complicated part of all of it...It's like the world as you know it is turned upside down... And when you're talking married partners, the discussion should be between them, not between outside sources... And I understand that the cheater will lie til the death, but why is it on the OP to be the one to shed light on the truth? Does the BS really believe that the OP is telling the truth? Even if they are? I don't know. I wish life were just easy. And everyone played by the same rules. KWIM? GEL Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Most probably I would have done the same......said I'm not the person you should be talking to I fully understand what you and GEL are saying...but this is exactly what two of the OW in my case said to me only to change their minds after a long and calm talk with me. That is why I said "with the right approach". Your angle and reason behind the talk greatly influences how much the OW is willing to tell. But no matter what your reason with your H, you know you aren't going to get the truth...not unless you already have it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShouldveKnownBetter Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 It's a bad situation all around, but I can see both sides - the "talk" and "don't talk" parts. I didn't necessarily feel "compelled" to talk to the BS, and I did tell her numerous times that she should ask her husband the same questions. In this particular situation, I think she was asking him... and then asking me the same questions to see whether he was telling her the truth. I am pretty sure she knew I was, although (to me) she seemed very quick to dismiss a lot of his behavior and focus on my wrongdoings. I was willing to take a certain extent of that, but it definitely did cross a line. I have forgotten to mention the best line that I heard through the whole thing -- BS told me that her husband told her that he felt we had both told each other the things that we wanted to hear and that I "manipulated" him. I laughed out loud to that. My response to her: I just find it funny that someone who clearly led two separate lives, lied to the most important people in his life about critical things, and risked EVERYTHING is calling me a manipulator. But hey, I guess that's the way it rolls. There is cause for celebration now though -- I haven't seen or heard from him (minus the one 3rd party message) in almost 3 weeks, and she has stayed true to leaving me alone as well. I'm on my way to healing fully - both from the "romantic" blow & the guilt about the whole situation -- but I've been feeling 100 times better now. Thanks for all of your help! Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Exactly... When you're in love with them, and you see yourself with them, you don't betray them. I think that's the most complicated part of all of it...It's like the world as you know it is turned upside down... And when you're talking married partners, the discussion should be between them, not between outside sources... And I understand that the cheater will lie til the death, but why is it on the OP to be the one to shed light on the truth? Does the BS really believe that the OP is telling the truth? Even if they are? I don't know. I wish life were just easy. And everyone played by the same rules. KWIM? GEL 1. I wouldn't for the simple fact that it's not my place. I know a woman whose partner attempted to betray her with an aunt. When the aunt informed her, she turned on the aunt and adjusted her thoughts to accuse her aunt of trying to seduce him. However, he also came onto me and I know I gave him no indication that it would happen. However, he knows she would rather believe him. 2. I have been cheated on once and I did not want to know ANY details. When this OW was bold enough to call me, I informed her that she could have him and thanked her for her services. My "gift" was the best revenge I could offer. He's no longer with her and married some other woman that he's not happy with. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 ... she seemed very quick to dismiss a lot of his behavior and focus on my wrongdoings. I know a woman whose partner attempted to betray her with an aunt. When the aunt informed her, she turned on the aunt and adjusted her thoughts to accuse her aunt of trying to seduce him. Yup, sounds mighty familiar 'round these parts... Sheesh, who needs it? It makes me SO GLAD not to be in her shoes, denying reality & living a lie, just for the privilege of putting up with HIM. It's horrifying. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Yup, sounds mighty familiar 'round these parts... Sheesh, who needs it? It makes me SO GLAD not to be in her shoes, denying reality & living a lie, just for the privilege of putting up with HIM. It's horrifying. She's finally coming to an understanding now. THANK GOODNESS! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShouldveKnownBetter Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 just wanted to give everyone who had been following this a quick update - Still going strong w/ NC - 3+weeks with him, and I'm 10 days clear of his wife. Strangely, I've been having a lot of dreams about running into the two of them out and about. Luckily, I haven't. I'm still getting upset about things, but it's definitely not as bad. Still wish I could've had some kind of conversation with him as closure... but I guess maybe nothing was the closure I needed? He would've lied anyway, I suppose! And... there is a light at the end of the tunnel... I got a new job today... and it's NOT in the city he's moving to (although I did get the offer there!). Thank God for small miracles... disaster averted! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Make your own closure. Chances are, whatever questions he answers for you, won't be enough and will only lead you more questions or confusion. Congrats on the job! Clean slate. Link to post Share on other sites
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