Any tips for a unique situation??

[Lookingforward]

Sixx, unfortunately even though you went into this as a "fun no strings" thing, you took the risk of developing feelings - from my experience most women find it hard to NOT develop feelings for someone they are involved with physically - just the way it is.

 

How do you cope with the hurt ? The same way you would cope with the hurt from any similar R whether or not one or both parties were married. In your case however, you have to cope with it on two fronts - dealing with a co-worker/boss that has pretty much rejected you as being worth any deeper feelings on his part, and figuring out what to do with your H and M on the other at the same time.

 

I really ask you to consider telling your H and starting to repair whatever is wrong in your M that caused you to have the A in the first place.

 

Also tell the boss that all bets are off re physical contact.

[Owl]

I actually read the opening questions...but rather focus on the question...chose to focus directly on the problem instead. And my intent was to help the OP do the same thing...focus on the REAL issue instead of the less important things that don't directly contribute to solving the problem.

[LakesideDream]

Sixx, I'm not going to give you a lecture on having an affair when you are married. You're a grown up girl, evidently able to see what's going on around you.

 

You haven't mention whether you have children.. that does matter.

 

It's to bad that your Boss feels free to prey on his employee's for sex. That is not an honorable or ethical thing for him to do. You should consider this as you make decisions about continuing your employment in "his" workplace. A man who uses his power and position to initiate unequal sexual relationships with employee's is a very disgusting guy.

 

Many here will tell you to that you must "confess" everything to your husband. I'm not going to tell you that. You need to make that decision on your own. As a man who was married to a woman who cheated, for many years, I'm not so sure. Had her cheating only happened for a short period of time, with just a single partner, and had never been repeated, knowing would not have done me any good at all. Honesty at the cost of forever damaging my marriage, (and it would have been badly damaged). Honesty at the cost of risking my childrens growth and happiness. Honesty at the risk of becoming a "single dad, or part time parent" would have been very selfish, however unavoidalbe. I am frankly happy it didn't happen. My ex's infidelities did not come to light until my children were adults.

 

The above being said. Had I discovered the infidelity before the first child arrived I would have left in a New York minute. As it was, 25 years of my emotional life was totally wasted. This is only offset by the successful raising of my kids.

 

Regardless of whether you choose to tell your husband or not. Stop cheating on your husband and your marriage, and gawd forbid your children if you have any. The decisions you make now, about your marriage, your "other man", and your employment are going to last a long time. Think carefully.

[sixx1986]

Thanks everybody, so much sound advice. The common thread is to end the affair isn't it? I had already decided that but this reiterates it further. With regards to telling my H, I'm not sure whether it will do more harm than good, still unsure on that one, although I do think the idea of a 'united front' is good.

 

To be honest, I had never personally questioned the fact that he's my boss but on reflection I feel he may have used his authoritative attitude to persuade me - I hold my hands up, I could've said no - but I do think he's been a bit underhand. I love my job but how feasible is it to stay? Has anybody had experience of this before?

 

I am re-evaluating my marriage right now and I feel that the problems there shouldn't be too difficult to iron out.

 

I really wish I hadn't got into this and it's something I will NOT be repeating.

[Lookingforward]

Thanks everybody, so much sound advice. The common thread is to end the affair isn't it? I had already decided that but this reiterates it further. With regards to telling my H, I'm not sure whether it will do more harm than good, still unsure on that one, although I do think the idea of a 'united front' is good.

 

To be honest, I had never personally questioned the fact that he's my boss but on reflection I feel he may have used his authoritative attitude to persuade me - I hold my hands up, I could've said no - but I do think he's been a bit underhand. I love my job but how feasible is it to stay? Has anybody had experience of this before?

 

I am re-evaluating my marriage right now and I feel that the problems there shouldn't be too difficult to iron out.

 

I really wish I hadn't got into this and it's something I will NOT be repeating.

 

I would say if you tell your H, he will insist you leave that job anyway.

 

If you don't tell, it would probably be awkward for you to stay at any rate. There is also the factor of feeling hurt by seeing the exA partner engaged with others.

[sixx1986]

I am a little worried about the possibility of having to meet the boss's new girlfriend, it's not going to be easy.

 

Would somebody be able to explain the abbreviations to me please? i.e what is EA and PA? Thank you

[Geishawhelk]

EA = Extramarital Affair...

 

PA I can't see, or else I'd tell by the context....

[Lookingforward]

EA = Extramarital Affair...

 

PA I can't see, or else I'd tell by the context....

 

no EMA is extramarital affair

 

EA is an emotional affair

PA is a physical affair

 

[bish]

Hello, I am new to this site and was hoping for a bit of advice?

 

I am a MW who started an affair with my boss (who is single) 6 months ago. We agreed it was all about no strings fun and I was well aware that he had others. This was fine at first but I did start to develop feelings and I did feel envious of the others. I never made him aware of this as I knew that it wasn't what he was looking for and would probably end it. He recently told me he has met somebody and is developing strong feelings for her, it is really hurting me so I know I have to end it. I keep asking myself why he didn't develop feelings for me? He has told me that he would like to continue our affair regardless of whether he starts a relationship with this woman, but I know it has to end as it is affecting my life in a big way i.e I've lost weight, don't feel mentally healthy etc. Obviously I have to have frequent contact with him through work. Does anybody have any advice on this specific situation and any ideas on how to cope with the hurt?

 

I notice you didn't give your husband even the slightest consideration or concern since you didn't mention him once.

[bish]

My H does not know about the affair and I have no plans to divorce at all.

 

Maybe you should since you clearly don't respect him.

[bish]

I think you're possibly right about ending it definitively with him, it's something I have to do.

 

As for telling H, I really don't think I can do that. I am frightened it destroys everything.

 

Has anybody else got any advice on this? Does anyone think I should tell him?

 

yes, you should tell him because he deserves to know. That and if you don't have any consequences to your actions, you'll have your "no strings fun" again with someone else in the future.

 

You had the guts to cheat, have the guts to give your husband what he deserves and let him make decisions regarding his life as to whether or not you should be forgiven for this.

 

That and if he forgives you, you need to quit your job.

[Geishawhelk]

no EMA is extramarital affair

 

EA is an emotional affair

PA is a physical affair

 

 

Yeh.... and NMA is something to make you poop...!

 

I'm going to have to write all these down and memorise them...I am obviously waaaay out of touch....!!

 

Thank you LF.... (short for Laugh...!!)

[InLimbo2]

I know people here always say you should tell the spouse - I'm not so sure that is the best idea - I think Dear Abby once said something like - if you made a mistake and learned from it and won't do it again - telling only serves to make YOU feel better (shedding guilt of lying) but does nothing but harm the other party. If you intend to stay married - perhaps it's best to discuss whether to tell or not with a qualified therapist. No offense to the folks here - but most are not 'objective' or have both you and your husband's best interests at heart by definition. Many on this board have either had their spouse have an affair on them, or been involved in one.

 

 

My H does not know about the affair and I have no plans to divorce at all.

 

I know that people automatically assume that there are problems within the marriage and I have searched very hard for them but in my opinion we are fine - love life is still great, we have a good laugh together, communication is good. To be honest it is something that baffles me, what made me start it in the first place, the only answer I can come up with is my boss was very persuasive. Does that make sense?

 

Thanks for your quick reply.

[Angel1111]

I think your boss is probably someone you respect a great deal because of his position and self-assurance, among other things. Successful men are extremely attractive to women. Period. And when they come on to us, we can be like putty in their hands. If you're wondering what is up with your marriage, it would be my guess that you may not admire or have a lot of respect for your husband - justified or not.

 

I think it's an incredibly bad idea to tell your husband about this affair. Unless you want a minium of 2 years of Hell, and to see first-hand the face of a person you have just stabbed in the heart, I think telling the spouse is really just a continuation of an already selfish act - a way of purging one's soul. I think you're more on the right track by keeping quiet about it and dealing with it yourself. When we cheat, we create the burden. Do we carry it, or do we unload it on the person who will be hurt the most by it? If there are problems in the marriage, then start discussing those. Once an affair is brought to light, no other issue will be addressed for a very long time after that. The affair will be THE topic of conversation, and it will be THE problem. I hear this all the time on this forum - to 'fess up and tell the spouse - and I just don't get the rationale. What on earth do you have to gain by revealing this piece of information???

 

As for your relationship with your boss, why were things icy between you? Is he mad at you about something? If it were me, I would just calmly tell him that since he is now in a serious relationship, you do not want to interfere with that, and wish him and her the best. After he picks his jaw up off the floor, you can be long-gone by then.

 

Then the next time he comes on to you - and be prepared for it because it will happen, and it won't take long for it to happen - be firm in your resolve and tell him that you meant what you said and that you have also done some soul-searching and realize that you don't want to do anything again to put your marriage in jeopordy. You may also want to let him know how sorry you are that you can't be with him, and how great and wonderful he is so that his ego isn't wounded. I'm sure that would all be true, plus it would be a way for you to be able to continue working there comfortably - while actually gaining his respect and walking away with dignity.

 

But just remember, if you cave in after ending things with him, you'll undo everything you set out to do. Don't give in. If he persists, say very gently, "I don't know, maybe I should just look for another job. This situation doesn't seem to be working." That might get his attention. And he might just realize what a dumb boss he is for getting involved with people working directly for him. I'm a boss, too, and can't imagine doing something so incredibly dumb.

 

And, as a sidenote, when you end it and don't cave in, that's probably when he'll fall in love with you. This other woman that he has feelings for is probably a very cool customer and either won't sleep with him, or keeps herself at a distance emotionally. You were an easy catch and he got bored. This is true with most men but it is especially true with highly successful men. They get bored very easily because things often come to them very easily, i.e., like you did.

 

Just a side story - one time, the husband of someone on my staff came on to me. He pursued me all night at a company Christmas party and then kissed me as I was leaving. I was shocked. Later, when I thought about it, I told a friend, "What could he have been thinking? That I would actually have an affair with a man who is the spouse of someone who works for me?" The insanity of it all just cracked me up. Anyway, your boss may be a great guy but he is toying with potential lawsuits - not to mention flirtling with disaster with his career. If someone in our company acted that way and it was discovered, his career would be SO over SO fast, he wouldn't know what hit him. He has guts, I gotta hand him that.

 

As for you, just extract yourself from this drama and from this man who sluts around way too much. And, just for the record, there is no such thing as a casual relationship so don't ever kid yourself about that ever again. No such thing.

[InLimbo2]

Oh good lord - yes there are! Plenty of people date - have fun - both knowing full well the other isn't 'the one' - and both are fine with it. Especially when younger - like high school and college in particular - or when young and not looking for something serious that is heading to marriage - or newly single - or focusing on career and not wanting to get serious. And sometimes it's just about the great sex

 

And, just for the record, there is no such thing as a casual relationship so don't ever kid yourself about that ever again. No such thing.

[Angel1111]

Maybe you're right. I can see that if you sleep with someone once and never see them again. But I've seen it so many times it's not even funny - people get into relationships and tell themselves that it means nothing or that they're just having fun. I have personally never heard of that being successful - someone always ends up getting hurt.

 

I've just learned not to toy around with relationships. Every time I've ever told myself that it was casual, I was just kidding myself. Like staying with someone that I knew wasn't right for me - it turned out to be an incredibly bad decision. I guess I was trying to convey something that is purely a personal viewpoint. I suppose we all have to experience things in our own way.

[sixx1986]

I know people here always say you should tell the spouse - I'm not so sure that is the best idea - I think Dear Abby once said something like - if you made a mistake and learned from it and won't do it again - telling only serves to make YOU feel better (shedding guilt of lying) but does nothing but harm the other party. If you intend to stay married - perhaps it's best to discuss whether to tell or not with a qualified therapist. No offense to the folks here - but most are not 'objective' or have both you and your husband's best interests at heart by definition. Many on this board have either had their spouse have an affair on them, or been involved in one.

 

I do agree with this - not because I'm backing out of telling him, I will do anything to rescue my marriage - I just don't want him to suffer unnecessarily. I know some will say that if that was the case I shouldn't have started the affair but what's done is done.

[sixx1986]

I think your boss is probably someone you respect a great deal because of his position and self-assurance, among other things. Successful men are extremely attractive to women. Period. And when they come on to us, we can be like putty in their hands. If you're wondering what is up with your marriage, it would be my guess that you may not admire or have a lot of respect for your husband - justified or not.

 

I think it's an incredibly bad idea to tell your husband about this affair. Unless you want a minium of 2 years of Hell, and to see first-hand the face of a person you have just stabbed in the heart, I think telling the spouse is really just a continuation of an already selfish act - a way of purging one's soul. I think you're more on the right track by keeping quiet about it and dealing with it yourself. When we cheat, we create the burden. Do we carry it, or do we unload it on the person who will be hurt the most by it? If there are problems in the marriage, then start discussing those. Once an affair is brought to light, no other issue will be addressed for a very long time after that. The affair will be THE topic of conversation, and it will be THE problem. I hear this all the time on this forum - to 'fess up and tell the spouse - and I just don't get the rationale. What on earth do you have to gain by revealing this piece of information???

 

As for your relationship with your boss, why were things icy between you? Is he mad at you about something? If it were me, I would just calmly tell him that since he is now in a serious relationship, you do not want to interfere with that, and wish him and her the best. After he picks his jaw up off the floor, you can be long-gone by then.

 

Then the next time he comes on to you - and be prepared for it because it will happen, and it won't take long for it to happen - be firm in your resolve and tell him that you meant what you said and that you have also done some soul-searching and realize that you don't want to do anything again to put your marriage in jeopordy. You may also want to let him know how sorry you are that you can't be with him, and how great and wonderful he is so that his ego isn't wounded. I'm sure that would all be true, plus it would be a way for you to be able to continue working there comfortably - while actually gaining his respect and walking away with dignity.

 

But just remember, if you cave in after ending things with him, you'll undo everything you set out to do. Don't give in. If he persists, say very gently, "I don't know, maybe I should just look for another job. This situation doesn't seem to be working." That might get his attention. And he might just realize what a dumb boss he is for getting involved with people working directly for him. I'm a boss, too, and can't imagine doing something so incredibly dumb.

 

And, as a sidenote, when you end it and don't cave in, that's probably when he'll fall in love with you. This other woman that he has feelings for is probably a very cool customer and either won't sleep with him, or keeps herself at a distance emotionally. You were an easy catch and he got bored. This is true with most men but it is especially true with highly successful men. They get bored very easily because things often come to them very easily, i.e., like you did.

 

Just a side story - one time, the husband of someone on my staff came on to me. He pursued me all night at a company Christmas party and then kissed me as I was leaving. I was shocked. Later, when I thought about it, I told a friend, "What could he have been thinking? That I would actually have an affair with a man who is the spouse of someone who works for me?" The insanity of it all just cracked me up. Anyway, your boss may be a great guy but he is toying with potential lawsuits - not to mention flirtling with disaster with his career. If someone in our company acted that way and it was discovered, his career would be SO over SO fast, he wouldn't know what hit him. He has guts, I gotta hand him that.

 

As for you, just extract yourself from this drama and from this man who sluts around way too much. And, just for the record, there is no such thing as a casual relationship so don't ever kid yourself about that ever again. No such thing.

 

I wholly agree with this. I have told him it is over and he is avoiding me at work and behaving very childishly. He is not just the boss but the owner of the entire business so he can pretty much do as he pleases as he makes the rules. I am upset and disappointed as I love my job and don't want to leave but I don't see any other way if he is going to continue to avoid me. My colleagues are worrying and questioning why he may be avoiding us which is proving hard to explain. I am very surprised at his reaction and behaviour.

[White Flower]

This man is a predator and gets off on creating competition between all of you. Don't let him spin you into his web like that. Break free, and count your blessings.

[Owl]

I think it's an incredibly bad idea to tell your husband about this affair. Unless you want a minium of 2 years of Hell, and to see first-hand the face of a person you have just stabbed in the heart, I think telling the spouse is really just a continuation of an already selfish act - a way of purging one's soul. I think you're more on the right track by keeping quiet about it and dealing with it yourself. When we cheat, we create the burden. Do we carry it, or do we unload it on the person who will be hurt the most by it? If there are problems in the marriage, then start discussing those. Once an affair is brought to light, no other issue will be addressed for a very long time after that. The affair will be THE topic of conversation, and it will be THE problem. I hear this all the time on this forum - to 'fess up and tell the spouse - and I just don't get the rationale. What on earth do you have to gain by revealing this piece of information???

 

This is great advice...if you want to live a nice quiet life and marriage....that's a total lie and sham.

 

Angel...have YOU ever recovered a marriage from infidelity? Really and truly lived in a marriage that recovered from one partner cheating?

[sixx1986]

This is great advice...if you want to live a nice quiet life and marriage....that's a total lie and sham.

 

Angel...have YOU ever recovered a marriage from infidelity? Really and truly lived in a marriage that recovered from one partner cheating?

 

 

Do you say the only option is to tell him owl? I'm confused. I agree with Angel about not wanting to hurt him but I have to question whether I'm more inclined to follow that advice as it is without doubt the easiest option for me.

 

With regards to boss, he is still avoiding me. He has told my colleague that due to his new relationship he has ended it with all his single "friends" and only wants to keep the married ones so no risk of anyone else expecting a r/ship. I am beginning to despise him.

[Owl]

Point blank...yes...from MY perspective, your only choice is to tell him. The other option is to live a lie for as long as your with him. Is that how you really want your relationship to be??? REALLY?

 

Or would you rather have a relationship knowing that he knew the full truth...and STILL opted to work things out with you?

 

Or...possibly...tell him, and have the relationship end, because he couldn't accept remaining with someone who cheated on him? (This is a possiblity). While this would indeed HURT...it would be HONEST...and it would free him to make his own decision in this relationship that is HALF HIS.

 

I am (and always have been) in the BE HONEST camp when it comes to this. I personally do not believe that a marriage can truly and completely recover with this gigantic lie in the middle of it. It prevents you from being totally honest with him...it keeps him in the dark about an important occurrence in his marriage...and, whether you'll admit this or not, it keeps the door open for it to potentially happen again in the future. If you tell him, you'll probably not get away with it another time.

 

We can't "make" you tell. But, as a betrayed husband...I'd tell you that I'd rather know the TRUTH than to live a LIE. I chose to recover and rebuild my marriage...and over four years of posting here and other places, I can tell you that many men make the same choice. Some don't...I'm being honest here...its a risk you take.

 

But...at the end of the day...what do you think your husband DESERVES in all of this? A LIE, to prevent "hurting his feelings"...or the truth, to make his own choices?

[sixx1986]

I do totally understand what you're saying and I know it's the right thing to do. I worry about the "elephant in the room" situation that people talk about, that even though you don't talk about it it's always there. How long does it take to rebuild the trust - will he worry every time I go out of the door for the rest of his life? Or does that fade eventually?

[Owl]

OK, couple of thoughts on that...this might be a long post. LOL...ye were warned!

 

IMHO, I think that we're often pretty naive when it comes to marriage. We're all convinced that OUR marriage is special...the problems that other marriages have won't affect OUR love...we're SPECIAL. Then we learn the truth. The TRUTH is that we're not special...our marriage isnt' bullet proof.

 

But, we operate under that assumption until we're proven wrong.

 

And...we often have a "blind trust" in our spouses that's probably pretty unrealistic when you stop and think about it. That trust is blind in that "she'd NEVER cheat on me" perspective. As you've learned...she can. And might.

 

And that's ALWAYS a risk...we just never realize it until it happens.

 

I went into this, because this ties into the rebuilding trust factor that you asked about.

 

Honestly...the trust in your marriage will never be "blind" again after this. But, that doesn't mean that its gone. Not at all. He can rebuild his trust in you. My trust in my wife is very, very high again too. Its not blind, but its high. I don't 'snoop' on her at all anymore. And as long as nothing comes up that 'tweaks my radar", I'm not likely to. But at the same time, I CAN. And she's cool with that. And she can snoop on me as well...and I'm fine with that. Being open and honest is the BIGGEST thing to rebuild trust there is.

 

Its going to take years to rebuild trust. Honestly...most marriages take at least two years to recover from infidelity...and that's if both do what they're supposed to do.

 

But with time, with effort, with openness and honesty...yes, he can trust you again. And as long as you demonstrate to him that you are trustworthy, it'll get better and better.

 

But...you are going to have to EARN that trust. And it won't be easy. It will be HARD...because in the beginning, you can GARAUNTEE that he will NOT trust you. For several months, you can expect that he's not going to be comfortable. He WILL wonder where you're going, what you're doing.

 

I'm sorry, but that's a consequence of your affair that you're going to have to deal with.

 

You'll have to TELL him what you're doing. You'll have to SHOW him that you're trustworthy now. And you're going to have to accept that he's not always going to believe you at first...and when something happens, things will be painful.

 

That's one reason a marriage counselor can help so much. Its CRITICAL that you get one that understands how to rebuild a marriage after an affair...who understands what both sides are going through, and how to help them work out ways to recover.

 

I know this probably isnt' what you wanted to hear...but its the truth as I've lived it...from your husband's perspective.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think the problem you're having within your affair stems from an ennui that has been building in your marriage. You became restless, sent out vibes of interest to your boss, and began a PA that's morphed with the onset of emotions into a desire for a full affair. Maybe you don't want to be married to your husband right now which is why you're dissapointed in your boss' lack of interest in reciprocating your feelings or perhaps you have low self-esteem and need the affirmation of others beside your husband to bolster your need to feel desired. (the latter can happen especially after a woman has had a baby, reaches a certain age, or is being neglected at home)

 

If you can't automatically point to any major deficiencies related to how your husband treats you then the problem lies larglely within you. You need to examine yourself by getting some IC to find out what makes you tick before disclosing anything to your husband because right now you don't have any more answers to give him than you've provided to members who've inquired of your marriage from this forum.

 

I also agree with the many other posters who've adviced that you change jobs and go NC. When your OM is completely eliminated as a distraction and you've isolated the problems you have within yourself I also agree that you must disclose all facts of this affair to your husband so that he can make his own independent assessment of whether he wishes to continue the marriage or not.

 

Though the truth will set you free...It ain't always pretty!