Lishy Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 The whole situation is a bit fishy I am thinking that your boyfriend has not made this situation easier by his response to his friend being mean about you. He has obviously allowed his friend to disresrect you and that is not cool. He is certainly not blamelesss in the situation, and far from 'awesome' - He should not have taken the call to another room because he didnt want you to hear the nasty things his friend was saying about you, he should have stopped him in his tracks and told him that if he had a probelm with you then he is not welcome in YOUR home! You have agreed to spend one night at your mum and dads (who you dont want to stay with) and he is still stomping his feet like a silly child! I cannot understand why you would still have this guy, who obviously feels he should be more important to your BF that you are, in your house!!!! You have even agreed to be fine with him! Why? Why the hell would he or you want this cretin in your apartment after all this mystifies me! I also do not believe your boyfriend is correct in still wanting this man who has been nasty about to be in YOUR home! You even contemplated sending him an email persuading him to come? WHY???? Don't be a doormat LB, stand up for what you believe in and stop trying to please everyone but yourself. LB, I think you need to stop worrying about making your boyfriend happy and grow a backbone! Dont let anyone make you feel like a stranger in your own home even for a second! They are lucky they are coming at all! If he was my boyfriend he would have been booking a motel! Selfish or not, my home is my home, end of story!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 The whole situation is a bit fishy I am thinking that your boyfriend has not made this situation easier by his response to his friend being mean about you. He has obviously allowed his friend to disresrect you and that is not cool. He is certainly not blamelesss in the situation, and far from 'awesome' - He should not have taken the call to another room because he didnt want you to hear the nasty things his friend was saying about you, he should have stopped him in his tracks and told him that if he had a probelm with you then he is not welcome in YOUR home! You have agreed to spend one night at your mum and dads (who you dont want to stay with) and he is still stomping his feet like a silly child! I cannot understand why you would still have this guy, who obviously feels he should be more important to your BF that you are, in your house!!!! You have even agreed to be fine with him! Why? Why the hell would he or you want this cretin in your apartment after all this mystifies me! I also do not believe your boyfriend is correct in still wanting this man who has been nasty about to be in YOUR home! You even contemplated sending him an email persuading him to come? WHY???? Don't be a doormat LB, stand up for what you believe in and stop trying to please everyone but yourself. LB, I think you need to stop worrying about making your boyfriend happy and grow a backbone! Dont let anyone make you feel like a stranger in your own home even for a second! They are lucky they are coming at all! If he was my boyfriend he would have been booking a motel! Selfish or not, my home is my home, end of story! He told him if he has a problem with me he was not to come Lishy. I don't think he "convinced" him to change his mind either. He said he is going to let it go and if his friend STILL has a bad attitude then he can stay at home. The call situation I don't care about, I'm not going to get over "what if scenerios." He's entitled to his privacy, and I think my bf is more mature than to start yelling and hang up on his friend. I don't even know if his friend WAS saying nasty things about me. My bf didn't go into detail regarding the conversation he just told me that his friend acted like a baby and said he wasn't coming and my boyfriend said fine. I'm not going to justify the situation anymore, it's over and done with. If the friend still has a bad attitude then I really doubt my bf will want him in our apt either. I'm giong to let the situation drop, I'm sick of the drama and sick of dealing with it. I trust my bf and I believe him when he said that he is on my side..which he is. Case closed.
Walk Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Case closed. OMG LB... How can you do that?!? If you close this, then I'll have nothing to do today. (Just kidding.) Try to have fun over the weekend!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 OMG LB... How can you do that?!? If you close this, then I'll have nothing to do today. (Just kidding.) Try to have fun over the weekend! Yeah thats very true. Loveshack inbetween my counseling sessions and paperwork helps me get through the day! I have been consumed by this drama for the past few days so I'm just looking forward to the situation finally being over.
serialgf Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 although i see your points and think the friend is being immature, i can't help but wonder why you dont trust your bf and why you feel a need to oversee or babysit him? i know its your house, and thus ultimately you have 100% right to be there whenever you want, but why not just scram for the whole boys time and do your own thing? that's what i would do but i guess i'm just an ultra laid back girl... i've read many of your postings and it just seems like you have a whole lot of insecurity and control issues i would use a small fraction of the money your bf is saving and get a nice hotel room for yourself for the night you are planning on staying in your apartment. i know i don't know you but it seems like you just want to be around to keep an eye on them, perhaps on a subconscious level like i said, just my 2 cents and given with respect, sgf
luvmy2ns Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 It's because her sleeping arrangements would be very uncomfortable. I don't think insecurity causes discomfort on an uncomfortable couch.
serialgf Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 It's because her sleeping arrangements would be very uncomfortable. I don't think insecurity causes discomfort on an uncomfortable couch. what couch?? am i missing something here.... must admit i didn't read all six pages of responses....
Kamille Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Serial gf, there was a whole other thread where LB discussed how these plans came about, and why a hotel room wasn't an option (first of all, I don't think she should have to pay for her own hotel room and the guys are trying to save money for another trip). Mostly, she reported that her boyfriend and her found a compromise that suited both of them. It sounded to me in that thread like LB had superbly curbed her control issues on this one and that she was simply trying to figure out what bothered her about her boyfriend suggesting she leave her own home for two days while he partied with his friends.
bish Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Yup, let it go. Sounds like your b/f has it well in hand. If the friend chooses to continue acting childishly, he's only punishing himself now. Question is, is her bf going to let his friend disrespect her? Is he just going to let the friends comments slide and try to ignore them, or will he stand up for his LB who is going to leave the apartment for them?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Serial gf, there was a whole other thread where LB discussed how these plans came about, and why a hotel room wasn't an option (first of all, I don't think she should have to pay for her own hotel room and the guys are trying to save money for another trip). Mostly, she reported that her boyfriend and her found a compromise that suited both of them. It sounded to me in that thread like LB had superbly curbed her control issues on this one and that she was simply trying to figure out what bothered her about her boyfriend suggesting she leave her own home for two days while he partied with his friends. It's not so much an issue of control or insecurity..I really do trust my boyfriend, and I know that even if his friends are making crude comments or talking about hot girls or something, I have no reason to suspect my bf of doing anything to betray me. I trust him completely. I'm starting to think that this all may be a little bit of jealousy regarding him and his freinds. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, I want him to be with his friends. I suppose I just miss having my own group of friends to have girl weekends with. It's hard that I don't have that anymore. As far as what Bish said: I don't get the idea that he disrespected me, on the contrary he stuck up for me and told his friend not to come if he was going to have that kind of an attitude. It looks like his friend is still being a baby, so he most likely wont come next week. Oh well, I really don't want him around if he is going to act like that. He's going to Ohio this weekend to visit his friend and go to Cedar Point, which I suppose I'm a little "disappointed" because I will barely get to see him this weekend or next. Yes, we live together and see each other all the time, and I suppose it will be nice to have a weekend all to myself doing all the girl stuff I want.
bish Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 As far as what Bish said: I don't get the idea that he disrespected me, on the contrary he stuck up for me and told his friend not to come if he was going to have that kind of an attitude. Thats great, but I didn't say if your bf was gonna dis you, I said is he going to let his FRIEND disrespect you. So since he told his friend that, then you answered the question. I'd expect to be in the doghouse for a looooong time if a friend of mine dissed my SO and I let it slide. It looks like his friend is still being a baby, so he most likely wont come next week. Oh well, I really don't want him around if he is going to act like that. Good, because you know what, a friend like that would probably do anything in his power to break you 2 up. Not saying your bf will be influenced, it would just suck to have to put up with him having a friend like that. He's going to Ohio this weekend to visit his friend and go to Cedar Point I LOVE Cedar Point. Went there 10 years ago. Am thinking of going there the end of this summer. Make sure he rides The Magnum.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Yeah, I'm happy he does get to go to Cedar Point. I actually WAS invited to come, but it would be hard with only 3 people, and I only like certain kinds of roller coasters. I heard the ones there are huge and they do all kinds of upside turns and loops..I don't really like those kind. I am kind of excited for a "girls" weekend, I can watch 90210 all weekend and do some things I enjoy. I suppose I am jsut a little envious like I said, that he has this tight nit group of friends, and I don't really have that.
serialgf Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Lauriebell: I really admire the way you take advice... sometimes its hard to take in others' points of views with a cool head. It's awesome that you came to the realization that you miss having your own tight group of girls to have a weekend with. I hope you will have one again soon - then you can kick him out for the weekend - !! Enjoy your girly time!
serialgf Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Serial gf, there was a whole other thread where LB discussed how these plans came about, and why a hotel room wasn't an option (first of all, I don't think she should have to pay for her own hotel room and the guys are trying to save money for another trip). Thanks for catching me up, Kamille. I wasn't suggesting she pay for it but rather her boyfriend... or better yet his friends.... you know like from a fraction of the money they're all saving by staying at her place. it would be that expensive for one night.... well anyway its irrelevant now...
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Lauriebell: I really admire the way you take advice... sometimes its hard to take in others' points of views with a cool head. It's awesome that you came to the realization that you miss having your own tight group of girls to have a weekend with. I hope you will have one again soon - then you can kick him out for the weekend - !! Enjoy your girly time! Yeah, Ive had to learn how to take feedback and advice from a supervisors..we are getting it CONSTANTLY as counselors. So I had to learn how to not flip out and get defensive when my supervisor tries to give me feedback.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 I think my boyfriend is like "friend-whipped" or something. His best friend (not the annoying a-whole friend) wants so much of his time. He spent last weekend with him when we went to his parent's for the 4th of July, the previous weekend we both went to Ohio to visit him and the two of them pretty much ignored me the whole weekend, and now he is going to Ohio this weekend AGAIN. And then the rest of his friends are coming next weekend. I don't know, I get this weird feeling. I think this is too much and I told him that. He said the only reason he is going this weekend is because its his best friend's bday and he wants to go to Cedar Point. Which is all fine and dandy but he saw him two weekends ina row, PLUS next weekend. Am I nuts to get upset about this? I already told him that I feel like he's slipping away and that I feel left out with all this guy stuff, and he said that I'm important to him and that he loves me more than anything. Is he guy whipped or something? What the heck???
spookie Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I think my boyfriend is like "friend-whipped" or something. His best friend (not the annoying a-whole friend) wants so much of his time. He spent last weekend with him when we went to his parent's for the 4th of July, the previous weekend we both went to Ohio to visit him and the two of them pretty much ignored me the whole weekend, and now he is going to Ohio this weekend AGAIN. And then the rest of his friends are coming next weekend. I don't know, I get this weird feeling. I think this is too much and I told him that. He said the only reason he is going this weekend is because its his best friend's bday and he wants to go to Cedar Point. Which is all fine and dandy but he saw him two weekends ina row, PLUS next weekend. Am I nuts to get upset about this? I already told him that I feel like he's slipping away and that I feel left out with all this guy stuff, and he said that I'm important to him and that he loves me more than anything. Is he guy whipped or something? What the heck??? My opinion is that if you love him, let this stuff go; it's not worth fighting about. If your R is built to last, you will have him forever. Let his friends have him for a couple of weekends.
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Lauriebelle, will you do this exercise? Lay out what you expect from your b/f, for the amount of time he should be spending with you. Be specific. i.e. 24x7 or every minute he's off work, etc. Now go to your b/f and ask him what his expectations are, for time spent together. Get him to be specific.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Lauriebelle, will you do this exercise? Lay out what you expect from your b/f, for the amount of time he should be spending with you. Be specific. i.e. 24x7 or every minute he's off work, etc. Now go to your b/f and ask him what his expectations are, for time spent together. Get him to be specific. Well, we sort of already talked about it, but it was more in a marriage type context (how much time to spend with friends vs. SO). We said that our friends are still important to us so we would like to keep in contact with them. We agreed that about one night a month could be spent out with friends to have a good time. However, that was in a marriage context. We never talked about a "living together" context so maybe we should.
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Well, we sort of already talked about it, but it was more in a marriage type context (how much time to spend with friends vs. SO). We said that our friends are still important to us so we would like to keep in contact with them. We agreed that about one night a month could be spent out with friends to have a good time. However, that was in a marriage context. We never talked about a "living together" context so maybe we should. Before you have this discussion, one night a month is very minimal for a marriage. Are you certain this is reasonable for your b/f?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 My opinion is that if you love him, let this stuff go; it's not worth fighting about. If your R is built to last, you will have him forever. Let his friends have him for a couple of weekends. I'm really trying to. It's not like I want to monopolize him or want him to spend every waking moment with me. You are right that if we are built to last we will be together forever. And that's the way he looks at it too, he told me. He said that I will always have him and that since we live together he is never going to lose me. It's just hard because I guess I feel a little left out, and I miss having my own group of friends.
spookie Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Well, we sort of already talked about it, but it was more in a marriage type context (how much time to spend with friends vs. SO). We said that our friends are still important to us so we would like to keep in contact with them. We agreed that about one night a month could be spent out with friends to have a good time. However, that was in a marriage context. We never talked about a "living together" context so maybe we should. I don't think he'd have very many friends to worry about if he "could" only spend one day a month with them.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 Before you have this discussion, one night a month is very minimal for a marriage. Are you certain this is reasonable for your b/f? Well we were talking more in terms of there being children there. We didn't really discuss if it was just us. I guess 1 night a month is pretty minimal if we don't have any children.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Posted July 11, 2008 I don't think he'd have very many friends to worry about if he "could" only spend one day a month with them. Well, "could" does not mean that he is like bound by that and it must never be exceeded. We just sort of meant that we both want to make our family a priority.
spookie Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I'm really trying to. It's not like I want to monopolize him or want him to spend every waking moment with me. You are right that if we are built to last we will be together forever. And that's the way he looks at it too, he told me. He said that I will always have him and that since we live together he is never going to lose me. It's just hard because I guess I feel a little left out, and I miss having my own group of friends. I think he's looking at it the right way. What happened to your friends? I think you'd have a healthier relationship if you made more friends in your area to hang out with, or an interest you were actually interested in devoting time to.
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