Lizzie60 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Hi Stamp, I agree 100%.... Me too.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 be careful... I completely agree with Melodymatters.. that was my advice too... Be smarter.. be stronger.. be independant... just tell him that you will give him all the space he needs as YOU ALSO need some in order to see clearly where you're going... That should make him think... if he really loves you.. he will become 'obsessed' with you... he will get jealous.. don't tell him that you'll wait for him.. yada yada.... don't say anything.. be evasive if he asks you about your life.. Nothing is stronger than a woman with self confidence... and who is independant.. she will have all the men she wants.. at her feet... Good luck.. give him time and space.. and .. in the meantime, take care of yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
spinningwheels Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 He is on vacation with his wife...trust me....he lies to take time away, checks in, just a little to keep you off his back. He went on vacation with his wife or his wife and family. When he gets back to work, from his trip, things will be back to normal. I'm not trying to upset you--but I dealt with this sitch many times. They try to cover up their trips because they know it will upset us. I would put money on this. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 "...You mean so much to me, and I don't want to lose you, so i want to take some time and handle my business. I want us to start having discussions about other things besides our home lives. There's more to us than that. I don't want this to end, but I don't feel like I can keep doing this to you and us. I love you and want to be with you. So if this is meant to be, we will percivere and be stronger together, instead of seperated like we are now." This is such a f*cked-up message, on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin. But I'd be more upset at how he misspelled persevere than anything else. Who has the energy for such sick and senseless mind games?? Run!! As fast as you can!! Link to post Share on other sites
spinningwheels Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 My ex even pretended to be in therapy and have a breakdown, to get away on a tropical vacation with his family. He said he was in the hospital dealing with his stress!!! All to get away with vacation and me not knowing. I still have that very long message saved saying that this time apart would be so hard, but to just trust in him to get his head together so that we would be okay in the end.....all of the lies, just to sneak away for a vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Some people do know what they are doing is wrong. It's her/his life, after all. If they choose to live it their way, who's to stop them? No matter how much you go on and on preaching about how you think marriage/relationship should be, how high your morals are etc - it is not going to stop them from continuing the things they are doing. All we can give is our opinion and let them deal with it. You don't have to go back and forth about how one should respect this and that. It's getting old, really. Some of those people do not even give a chance to those who have ended the As. They are still labeled such and such except for those FOW who all of a sudden changed from being timid to someone close to a BW putting down the OW etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony Posted July 9, 2008 Senior Moderators Share Posted July 9, 2008 If you are not able to put up an ON TOPIC response to the OP in this thread, please go elsewhere. There is no reason why you must go off on a irrelevant tangent. Thank you in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 While what I meant was sincere... You and your MM shows a case study of the sin's of the parents coming back on their children. I don't mean it as a bad thing. But, as a show WHY we as parents have to be the better examples than what so many apparently aren't. I am a product of a divorce. My mother and stepfather got divorce (with our stepfather being the adulter, and our father was never in our lives because he was off chasing skirts). But, you know what, me and my brother vowed never to do that to anyone we love. And to this day, we never treat any woman with disrespect. He has never cheated on his wife. I have never cheated on a girlfriend. So, doing what is right isn't hard. Not placing ourselves ahead of others is not difficult. It takes a conscious choice. Rather or not you accept that is up to you. But, I am far from bitter. Actually I feel sad for people who fail to see the follies of their ways. Sad especially for the wife and if there are any children who are doomed to reap the rewards of this whole mess. Yes they may seem like they are okay. Its not until we see them in similar situations to see if they can break the mold of this foolishness. DNR So by promising not to even cheat, you now seem to deal with control issues (as in controlling others). That is not really a fair trade, nor is it the proper way to heal from your experiences. Accepting that life is not always what we want it to be, and learning to accept our imperfections and the imperfections of others, that is something to work towards. Trying to control our surroundings is guaranteed to cause more and more and more pain (and this, btw, is coming from a woman who is a self-described control freak ). Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 ISo what do you think I should do??? I am trying to disconnect myself as well (protection against getting hurt I guess), but I do want him to know I will always be there for him...... He is doing the right thing by trying to deconstruct his life. It's like an addict hitting rock bottom. And you may find that, when he comes back up, he may not be there for you. Just let him know that you'll be there for him if he wants you after he finds himself, but don't be there for him now. Be there for you. (Admittedly, easier said than done, but still....). Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 He is doing the right thing by trying to deconstruct his life. It's like an addict hitting rock bottom. And you may find that, when he comes back up, he may not be there for you. Just let him know that you'll be there for him if he wants you after he finds himself, but don't be there for him now. Be there for you. (Admittedly, easier said than done, but still....). In my case, after a year of NC, I broke that to tell him I wouldn't be there "should this not work out"..... he's on a sinking ship and I'll be damned if I'm letting him think he has a life raft waiting. He has to decide whether to sink or swim alone. I think you're in the same place Isave Link to post Share on other sites
me003 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Even if he is still contacting you... Why are you still inserting yourself into his and HIS WIFE'S marriage? You have no right or reason to be there. And where is the self-respect to find a man of your own? To be in a relationship that does not involve hurting someone else? DNR I don't think that your comments are very helpful... she wants to get out but with words such as yours it makes people want to stay in relationships like these. If they will be stoned by your words they might as well enjoy the sin. Sometimes you catch flies with honey. Kind words make everyones realize their mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
me003 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Beat up or not... It is definitely a reality check that those who go outside their marriage for any reason are not worth the effort that other person puts into them. And it does not matter how in love with them they are, love does not promote doing what is wrong or harmful to one's self or others. DNR Next time you have a problem you should try this reality check on yourself to see how it works out on you. You might need to read a bit more about why people cheat and see that it is not all black and white. Usually it is done without thinking and just going with your heart. Attacking will do nothing but yes you have the right to BLASt away, but I think this forum to to help out people get out of what they got into. If people are posting here its because it is the first step into getting out not staying in. try to use nice words to get your point across and you will see that you will get what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 No offense .... Where's your self-respect? Nope, no offence... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Even if he is still contacting you... Why are you still inserting yourself into his and HIS WIFE'S marriage? You have no right or reason to be there. You don't consider "by invitation" to be a right or reason? If you go to a dinner party because you were invited, you don't consider you have a right or reason to be there? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 While what I meant was sincere... You and your MM shows a case study of the sin's of the parents coming back on their children. I don't mean it as a bad thing. But, as a show WHY we as parents have to be the better examples than what so many apparently aren't. I am a product of a divorce. My mother and stepfather got divorce (with our stepfather being the adulter, and our father was never in our lives because he was off chasing skirts). But, you know what, me and my brother vowed never to do that to anyone we love. And to this day, we never treat any woman with disrespect. He has never cheated on his wife. I have never cheated on a girlfriend. So, doing what is right isn't hard. Not placing ourselves ahead of others is not difficult. It takes a conscious choice. Rather or not you accept that is up to you. But, I am far from bitter. Actually I feel sad for people who fail to see the follies of their ways. Sad especially for the wife and if there are any children who are doomed to reap the rewards of this whole mess. Yes they may seem like they are okay. Its not until we see them in similar situations to see if they can break the mold of this foolishness. DNR Nope, bashing OWs who approach this forum for support is treating them with the utmost respect hey, whateva Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 OK,my take on this: I know I will get bashed here when I post this, but hopefully there are some other women/men in my situation that can add some insight. I recently posted that I have been with a MM for 4 months, and things have been wonderful for us during that time. Then about 2 weeks ago, I got this email from him : "" I miss you kid. I keep hearing you saying that I need to take care of one thing at a time, and I think that needs to be us. It's not fair to you to be here and not 100% dedicated to you. I'm stressed and not thinking clearly. I think maybe I should step back for a bit from us so I can take care of stuff . We each have our own thing going on it will take a toll on us. I want us to have a future !!!I know we're both nervous to see how things settle with all of us. I want nothing but the best for you, but if I can't be there all the way, its not fair to you. You deserve more. You are so great!!! I need to get to where we are equal, and I'm not there yet. You mean so much to me, and I don't want to lose you, so i want to take some time and handle my business. I want us to start having discussions about other things besides our home lives. There's more to us than that. I don't want this to end, but I don't feel like I can keep doing this to you and us. I love you and want to be with you. So if this is meant to be, we will percivere and be stronger together, instead of seperated like we are now." I sent him a text message asking what he was doing, and if he was looking to throw it all away, his reply was: ""Not looking to throw it away. We just have some time apart and I want to focus on taking care of stuff here so WE can move forward. Guess I wasn't clear in my rambling....". SO, things for the next week got worse and worse, we were at each others throats, and he was disconnecting from everyone (not just me). On Saturday 7/5 he took me home from work, and stayed about an hour. Then something happened and he literally had a "breakdown". I talked to him briefly Sunday morning, and Sunday night he said he was not going into work Monday, and needed a "Mental Health Day". He said "we'll be fine kid", I love you, and we hung up. Yesturday, I didn't talk to him till 10pm, and it was very short, he said he didn't feel like doing anything and may not come into work today (Tuesday). No normal "I Miss You, I Love You, Nothing" .... So today, he took another day off, and text me a few minutes here, and a few there. He let me know that he went to the Dr and the Dr said he was "over stressed, and needed to disconnect and relax for a few more days, before returning to work". He let me know how he was doing, and I told him I missed him, I asked if there was anything I could do at work to help since he was gone 3 days. He said "things at work will be fine" "Everything will work out the way it's suppose to"..... OK so here's my question....... was he talking work or us. I will say he has definitely disconnected this past few weeks, and been angry at the world (as he put it), but when he sees me he says he gets in a better mood. I want to stand by him whole heartedly (I do know I am the 1st affair he has ever had)..... I know his home life has taken a toll on him, but so have I lately, putting more pressure on him to set goals, and stick to them........ So what do you think I should do??? I am trying to disconnect myself as well (protection against getting hurt I guess), but I do want him to know I will always be there for him...... Things have been "wonderful" during your time together. But... He's still M. He's living a schizoid life and now the cracks are starting to show. The cognitive dissonance is getting to him and he's unable to sustain things the way they were. "Wonderful" is taking its toll. How things ultimately pan out no one can say for certain - but he's going through the crisis now that probably many MMs only get to go through on Dday when their two worlds collide. His two worlds are pulling him apart and he can't sustain that. So he's facing it now and dealing with it now. Out of this crisis, he should emerge clearer and stronger with some kind fo decision taken about where he wants to go, and with whom. It may be you, ISL2, or it may be his W, or it may be neither, or it may even land up being someone else. But he needs to go through with this and he needs to get to a position where his life makes sense to him again. You want him whole, I assume, so you need to back off and let him get to the place he needs to get to. At which point you'll either have a whole man, or none, but at least you will no longer have part-share in a half-man, and you'll know where you stand. (((((hugs))))) Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 My ex even pretended to be in therapy and have a breakdown, to get away on a tropical vacation with his family. He said he was in the hospital dealing with his stress!!! All to get away with vacation and me not knowing. I still have that very long message saved saying that this time apart would be so hard, but to just trust in him to get his head together so that we would be okay in the end.....all of the lies, just to sneak away for a vacation. This guy is just sneaky all around isn't he?! First he sneaks around behind his wife's back to be with you then he sneaks around your back to be with her. Why does the cartoon character of "Simon Le Greasy" spring to mind? Yet...You love him.... Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 My take on this...he's made it very clear he wants to end the A and is doing the 'slow fade' to make it hurt less for you, and to make it less likely that you'll get really angry and tell his W. If this is his first A, he's probably realised he isnt in love with you after all, he was just infatuated, and now its time to go back to real life (ie life with his W, who he loves). I bet he feels guilty about hurting you, and also still likes a bit of attention from you, as it is ego boosting, both reasons for his texts every now and then, but don't miscontrue those texts for signs he wants you back. He probably doesnt feel so bad about those texts, as in his mind he's clearly ended the A with you, and its all part of his 'slow fade' to get this A over and done with with minimum disruption or feelings of guilt. Plus he has gone as far as physically avoiding you by booking time off work! I think if you keep trying to contact him, in a couple of weeks he'll be asking you to stop contacting him, or he will be replying to about 10% of your messages with non-committal 'hi, how are you's'... Link to post Share on other sites
Stress in Disguise Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 what I can tell you is that I was once the ow many year's ago and he sound's like either he is trying to make all these excusses to make you leave him. It dose not work out over night it takes many year's because these MM never want to be the one's to leave the W, and the W never want's to leave the H because she is not going to let him be happy with the OW. Sorry to say when these MM take time for themselves they are never alone the W is with them someway some how I just advise you if you have had good times enjoy them remeber them and let go because unfortunately as strong as women are we always get hurt they move on.. In my case I ended up staying with him he did leave his W but she was always in our life thier child his family then eventually after seven year's I had my 1st child and it was a little better but remember to everyone elses's eye you will always's be the OW but now the OW who took the man from his family men never get blamed remember that too... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 So what do you think I should do??? I am trying to disconnect myself as well (protection against getting hurt I guess), but I do want him to know I will always be there for him...... I think you should break it off on YOUR terms. He sounds like he's in WAY OVER HIS HEAD. I'd bet you he is wondering how he got himself into this. It's early, he's feeling guilty, knowing how much he has to lose and unsure whether being with you is at least a lateral step and not a step down. I say this from experience, to help and open your eyes. And I'm trying to do you a favor now. Decide what you want. Decide why you want him. You have the luxury of knowing he's married. Is he the kind of man you want to wait around for year's for? Because I bet money that that is how long it will take for him to really leave, if he ever does. And the thing about breaking it off with them, is that it totally kills their ego, which is why they started cheating in the first place. (Ok, maybe a little overgeneralizing.) And more importantly YOU are in charge of your destiny. YOU are the one choosing. Remember, you can go anywhere. Where can he go? GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 I have to agree - DNR you really do preach a bit too much. You might as well just cut-and-paste your responses because they all sound the same. And I haven't even been on this site for very long. The world is not black-and-white, and people do things outside those tiny little boundaries of yours. I think it's great that you operate from this high moral ground but you're so judgemental, unmoving, and self-righteous, that it dilutes anything you have to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 ...and back on topic, I also think MM needs a lot of space in order to get a griip on this situation. I know it's hard to back-off when he's texting you all day long and wanting to talk, but I think it's going to be up to you to instill the 'space' here. First of all, I'd stop riding to work with him. Just nicely tell him that you can tell he's in incredible pain and confusion and you really don't want to add to that. Then when he calls or texts you, don't answer or respond too readily. If he leaves his marriage, then he needs to do it for his own reasons. It would be better to end the affair so that this isn't a factor that adds to his confusion. I know you know this and I know you're not pressuring him but it seems that by being so available to him, it's actually hurting things. Instead of going totally no-contact, maybe you can just slow things down a bit and be less of a presence in his life. Then let him make his decision with a clear head. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 It does sound as though he is truly distraught over the affair and needs to figure it all out. It does not sound as though you were just a fling that he is going to laugh off. Let him figure it out and spend the time apart working on you and what you really want in life. GEL is right, if he does leave for you, it'll take a long time and be a very hard road. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 what I can tell you is that I was once the ow many year's ago and he sound's like either he is trying to make all these excusses to make you leave him. It dose not work out over night it takes many year's because these MM never want to be the one's to leave the W, and the W never want's to leave the H because she is not going to let him be happy with the OW. Sorry to say when these MM take time for themselves they are never alone the W is with them someway some how I just advise you if you have had good times enjoy them remeber them and let go because unfortunately as strong as women are we always get hurt they move on.. In my case I ended up staying with him he did leave his W but she was always in our life thier child his family then eventually after seven year's I had my 1st child and it was a little better but remember to everyone elses's eye you will always's be the OW but now the OW who took the man from his family men never get blamed remember that too... Stress, I'm sorry your situation worked out so badly. Mine was rather different, with his family and friends being really supportive and glad to see the back of the W. The only "blaming" was of this W for the hell she'd visited on all of them over the years. ISL2 I hope you're hanging in there and giving not only him the space he needs to get himself together, but giving yourself also the time and love you need to recharge. Link to post Share on other sites
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